My blog

Before I continue to write more posts for this blog, I want to give credit to my best friend. This blog was borne because of his teasing remark that reminded me that sharing my thoughts and views with the world might be useful and helpful to some of my readers.

When I was confused, frustrated and disappointed with things not going my way, I googled the internet to look for answers. I came across certain stories /issues that were similar to mine and from there I managed to get some solace, understanding and the ah ha moment.  The posts wrote by others who had been thru similar experienced as me had allowed me to understand myself better. Not only do I understand myself better, I understand a lot of people and things better too. I know what I want in my life and what I have to do (step by step) to get to where I want to be.

It will be a bumpy road, but I'm pretty sure I will come out as a winner because I'm a super positive person. Hahaha!

Anyway, thanks to this best friend of mine for teasing me, he reminded me indirectly that I should always share my views and thoughts with people because I never know who might find it useful and helpful. Another reason is because when I'm dead, my blog still live in this world. And when I'm too old to remember my life experienced, this blog will reminds me of it. See, writing a blog isn't such a bad thing. And who knows, I might be famous one day because of my blog. Hahahahaha!

I'm not going to disclose his name. He knows who he is when I let him read my blog. Haha. He isn't aware of this new blog existent yet. Still thinking of when to let him read it :-)!! Let me sleep on it and decide when I wake up.

I got a feeling he is going to say I'm acting crazy again. For the record, I'm not.

Guest and Permanent Resident

Can anyone of you guess what I'm going to write about in this post :-)???


I'm going to write about the people in our life whom we can categorise into two categories - Guest or Permanent Resident.

Let me start off with Permanent Resident. The definition of permanent resident means people who will be in our life no matter what happens. Parents, siblings, and kids. People who have direct blood relationship with us. No matter what happens, this category of people will always be in our life and will never leave. They will be there for us thru thick and thin. They will stand by us when we need them. They are our past, present and future!! Hence, they are the permanent residents :-)! Is easier to understand so I won't explain too much about it.

Guest means people who might stay in our life for a period of time only. Such as friends, co-workers, business partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, wife and husband. People who have no direct blood relationship with us at all!! I think by now my readers will have raise their eyebrows wondering why do I categorise wife/husband into this guest category.

Let me explain why. Your spouse is a guest because you cannot guarantee that you will still be married to them tomorrow, the next year or the next decade. Who can say for sure that divorce will not take place?? Who can say for sure that your spouse won't die young? If your spouse is gone, won't you be looking for a new one to replace them?? Let's face it, everyone needs to have a companion in his/her life no matter how independent or strong he/she is. Hence, your spouse is just a guest because a guest is replaceable when his/her time in your life is up. Is a fact!  Like it or not.

And your spouse is also a guest because you invited he/she to come into your life in the first place. You extended the invitation to him/her. Without your invitation he/she is not even a guest at all. So as your guest, you have the right to ask him/her to vacate the spot if having he/she in your life is making you miserable. Allowing them to hold on to the spot means denying yourself to invite another better guest to take up the spot. Again no one can guarantee that the new guest will makes you happy, but at least you give yourself a chance to have another shot at happiness if the old guest failed to do so for you. Oh ya, your spouse doesn't has any blood ties to you, only to your kids. Hence, your spouse is a permanent resident to your kids, but not you.

Never ever sacrifice your own happiness and health for a guest because it isn't worth it. If a guest robs you of your happiness and health, he/she robs the essence of life from you. A permanent resident can do that to you, but not a guest. Never a guest!! I will not allow any guest to do that to me. My happiness, my destiny and I control it.

I know I sounded cold and even callous, but I'm just being honest and blunt with my thoughts. You don't need to agree with me. But if you are truthful and honest to yourself, you will see my views and points. I'm not trying to break people up. I'm just trying to share with you guys that when a relationship or marriage has to end, it isn't the end of the world. You don't need to feel bad or depress or unhappy if you choose to look at their departure from a positive angle - as a guest!

But if you prefer to allow he/she to rob the essence of your life from you, it is also your choice. Your GUEST, Your CHOICE!

So next time when your relationship doesn't works out for you, don't be sad because there is always the next guest waiting in line. You just need to give him/her a chance. Never say no to your next date with the good looking men or women :-)! Hahaha!

Passions

1 of my best friend is very passionate about music. He has shared some of the music that moves or inspires him and I find it interesting. Why? Because the type of music he is passionate about I wasn't exposed to it until he shared it with me. So I learned something new. I love to learn new things. It makes my life more interesting and colorful.

When we have passion in the things we do, we will go very far in life. Without passion, there is no excitement. Without excitement, life is boring and dull!! 

What are my passions?? Travel, Wine, Whisky, Food and Charity.

Travel - I love to travel to places I have never been because I want to explore different culture, taste different food, meet interesting people and make friends along the way. I love the adventure, the unknown, the unfamiliarity and the experience when I travel to a new country. My dream is to travel to every corner  of the planet before I die. Of course, I would love to travel with my lover (if I have one), but I don't mind exploring the world by myself. I can't put my plans on hold just to wait until my Mr.Right turns up. What if he never turns up?? Hahaha!

Wine, Whisky & Food - I have learned so much about wine, whisky and food after owning my restaurant and bar. Now I know how to appreciate the wine, whisk and food better than before. My taste buds are enhanced and enriched :-)! I have also learned a new trade and still learning. Is still work in progress and although it can be very stressful, frustrating and tiring at times, it is still a great experienced so far. But the most valuable gift this restaurant has given me so far is - NEW FRIENDSHIP!! I have made so many new interesting friends who keep my nights occupied when I'm bored. Haha. Aside from new friendship, I have also rekindled and strengthened old friendship and nothing beats that. I'm a lucky woman because I can have a place of my own to hangout with my family, friends and also making new friends along the way. 

Charity - My ultimate dream is to set up a charity organisation for under privilege children. They deserve a chance to have a shot in this world because they are our future. I'm not financially able to do this now, but I hope to be able to do so when I'm 45 years old. I wish and hope that my future lover will share this passion and dream of mine. And from next year onwards, I will allocate some of my time to charity works to gain some experience. 

As you can see, all my passions are not making me money. In fact, I have to spend money for all my passions. Hahahaha! I need a job!! Who wants to offer me a job :-)?? 

What are you passions? It is never too late or too old to have passions. Make sure you have at least one so that when time is tough, you have your passion to keep you going and alive!

Feel free to share your passions with me :-)!

p.s. The good friend I was referring to was Peter

Life is a Journey

Life is a journey to be experienced to the maximum because we are only given one life, one chance to be on this earth. The journey will varies for each and everyone of us even if similarities are to be found in our journey because everyone of us handle our life journey differently. Therefore, it is absolutely rare for two different people to have the same exact journey. Even twins have their own differences.

The only thing all the 7 billion people on this earth share in common is the final destination - 6 feet under or cremated to ash. Death is the only thing we all share without the exception. When are we going to die, how are we going to die, where we are going to die, who is with us when we die - is  different for each of us. If the final destination is already been predetermined for us and there is nothing we can do to change it, then it is even more imperative that we make our life journey an exciting, a fabulous and a colourful one because this is the only part we can control to certain extend!!

The journey might be short - a few mins, a few hours, a few days, a few weeks or a few months and it might be long - a few decades or even a century. For those whose journey were a short one, there were nothing they could had done and experienced.

But for those of us who have the privilege to live a long life, we should make the journey a great one so that when we die we have no regrets. In our journey, we will encounter obstacles and challenges that make us feel shitty about life, make us want to give up and call it quits. This is part of the journey. How we deal with the shitty part of the journey will determine how fabulous our life journey is going to be in the future!

For me, I deal with the shitty part by being optimistic and positive about my life. I think back about all the good times I had experienced, how lucky I'm to be where I'm today, what I have achieved to date and filled my mind with positive thoughts. I always believe that there is a will, there is a way. I just need to look harder or search a bit longer to find the solutions/answers to my obstacles/road blocks.

Because of my positivity, I rarely have long sad period in my life. Maybe 2 weeks in a year only my mood is really really shitty and down. I'm not a saint, so I still have my down moment. But I never allow myself to feel shitty for too long. I always set a timeline for myself when I need to get back up and charge ahead. 

And when I have decided to charge back, there is nothing to stop me. No one can persuade me to change course except myself. This is my own life journey, so I call the shot!!! Most people think I have a fabulous and colourful life journey and honestly, I do!!!

Every half a year I will review and examine my yearly life journey and see what I like and don't like, what needs to be improved or discarded and how I want to continue the remainder of the yearly journey. It is like a pit stop where you pump in more fuel, change the tires and do whatever you need to do to finish the race :-)!

And I also promise myself that every year my journey will be better than the last one. I need to improve and evolve on a yearly basis and progress with time. 2015 will be a year of big change for me. It is already happening and for those who knows me deeply they have started to see the changes. For those who  think they know me well, they will not be able to notice the changes :-)! I will share some of the changes I have implemented in my new journey in my future posts.

Make your life journey a great one. Never ever allow anyone to stop you from progressing and improving your journey because you only have 1 chance at LIFE!! Don't let anyone rob or deny you of your true journey. If you need to remove toxic people (friends, spouse, partners, relatives) from your life journey, do it!! If you feel that changing certain things in your life journey will make it more fulfilling and fabulous, do it!! Never ever give yourself too many excuses on why you shouldn't do it. Instead give yourself all the excuses/reasons to do it!!

Just remember - Life Is A Journey and the definition of journey for me is "making progress from one stage to another on a yearly basis" and that includes travelling too. Hahaha!

Smile

A SMILE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY :-)!

To kick start my day, I will give myself a genuine smile after I woke up every morning. I will stand in front of the mirror in my bathroom and smile at myself until I get a genuine smile. The first smile is always hard and not genuine. The second one is definitely better than the first. You have to keep smiling until you get a genuine out of yourself. Meaning the smile is not force and it comes from the heart. For me, I usually can give myself a genuine smile on the second or third tries.

So why do I need to give myself a genuine smile every morning after I woke up?? Because it makes me happy and cheerful. What better way to start a day then to reward myself with a genuine smile. It makes me feel good and allows me to think positively. It makes me feel lucky that I'm alive for another day. Hahaha!!

Also, smiling makes me look younger because I will have less wrinkle as I frown less :-)! I shared this with a few of my friends and they did tried to do it, but they said it was hard to smile when they don't have a reason to smile. That's my point!!!

You don't need a reason to smile!! You don't need to wait for someone to make you smile!

You SMILE because you want to treat yourself good. You give yourself a genuine smile every morning because you feel lucky that you have a job, your health and etc. These are good reasons for you to reward yourself with a smile.

Yes, there are times when things in life don't go the way we plan or want and we couldn't seem to find the energy to smile as issues are weighing heavily on our mind and bringing us down. I understand. I went thru that sometimes too. But then those are the very reasons why we need to SMILE every morning because when we give ourself a genuine smile, we are re-energizing our mind and body with positive energy!!

We need the positive energy to find solutions to our problems. Hence, try to SMILE every morning when you look at yourself in the mirror. Make it a daily habit and you can see a different in the way you look at your problems. It works for me and I sure hope it works for you too :-)!

Divorce

I have seen and heard too many stories about failed marriages........they are not happy, but they forced themselves to stay because of the kids, financial, familiarity, ego, honour and whatever other reasons/excuses they could come up with. Love, trust and desire in the marriage are either long gone/diminish, but because of share financial and they want the kids to grow up in a so called 'intact' family, they stay on  for the kids sake. Most people will say to themselves or to their friends/relatives/family that is the right thing to do. The kids happiness is the priority. I couldn't agree more. But I have a question to ask......what message are you sending to your kids when you pretend to be happy in an unhappy/unfulfill marriage? Are you teaching your kids that it is ok to ignore their own happiness/needs/wants?

Are you really doing it for your kids benefits and happiness or are you doing it for your own conscious so that your kids won't think of you as a bad parent?

Are you using your kids as a shield because you don't want to face the reality that your marriage has failed? Are you trying to avoid giving half of your hard earned money to your partner? Are you trying to maintain your public image??

Which is the truth? Only you know the truth.

From what I have gathered from people I know and unhappy with their marriage, majority stay in the marriage because of their kids. Main reason. And the reason they gave me is that they want their kids to grow up with both parents living in the same house even though their marriage has ended for them. They don't want to file for divorce because they don't want their kids to think of them as a bad parent.

They are physically present in their kids life and to certain extend mentally and emotionally present as well, but they are not happy. They hold back their unhappiness in front of the kids, but suffer in silence. Although they still talk to their spouse, but it is out of necessity rather than love. And even if they still love their spouse, they told me that their love has changed.

So then my questions are : Is this a healthy marriage? Is this marriage worth to continue? Is marriage supposed to be all about kids only?

For me, the answer is NO. I will not stay in the marriage for the kids sake nor for financial reason or any other reasons. I always think that if I can't be myself and I'm not genuinely happy in my marriage and with my life, I'm cheating myself of the life I deserve - which is a HAPPY AND HONEST LIFE for myself! If I'm not happy, I can't be happy around my kids too. That's me. I can never force myself to be happy when I'm not.

A lot of people will think I'm selfish because I put myself first. YES I AM! I don't have my own kids now, but if I do have my own in the future, I will teach them to be true to themselves, to put their needs and happiness as their top priorities. Never compromise on things and people that will rob them of their own happiness. Sacrificing one happiness is a noble act, but it is also not sending the right message to the kids. The world needs more people who can be true and genuine to themselves. We only have 1 life to live. So how can we choose to live a life where we have to control our actions, feelings, wants and desires. I'm not willing to stay married if I have to sacrifice my true self and conform to society expectations.

They might not understand now, but they will when they grow up. You can pour all your energy into your kids, but you have to remember that one day they will grow up, have their own family and leave you. By then, your precious life on earth has passed you by and there is no more 2nd chance for you. Some would say the sacrifice is worth it. Some would regret it. For me, life shouldn't has any regrets.

If you think you are providing a good environment for your kids to grow up by pretending to be a happy family when it isn't, you are robbing your kids the chance to learn what is true happiness. You can be divorced and your kids can still grow up happy because they still have both parents in their life. Sometimes, they might have more than two parents because of step mum/step dad.

It might be hard on the kids initially, but eventually they will understand. You need to show and teach them to be selfish because when they grow up, they need to depend on themselves to find happiness and not wait for someone to make them happy. By providing them a cocoon of happiness, they think that happiness can be found externally. True happiness comes from within oneself when one is allows to pursue his/her choice of life. A life without pretending and lying to oneself that it is ok to stay in a failed marriage/relationship. A life that is worth living and fighting for. If I do have kids thru adoption or stepchildren, I will definitely teach them to always be selfish when it comes to their own happiness and never give up and sacrifice their happiness for anyone. I will teach them to be strong because walking away from a failed marriage takes more courage and strength than staying. Staying is a sign that both party are cowards. They rather take the easy way of doing nothing than to do everything in their power to change their life and destiny.

So for people who think they are doing their kids a favour by staying in an unhappy marriage, please think again and ask yourself honestly why you don't want to get the divorce??

Don't use the kids as an excuse because they are not your excuse! If you are a good parent, you will always be a good parent, divorce or not. If you are a good parent, you will know how to explain to your kids to make them understand and think intelligently why you need to divorce. They might not understand when they are young, but they will understand eventually! And if you are a responsible adult and a good parent, you will sit down with your spouse and work out the details for an amicable divorce where both parties come out as a winner. Learning to let go is the key to achieving true happiness. When a marriage is coming to an end, don't hold on to it hoping that there is still a chance to turn it around.

And if you use your kids happiness and wanting to give them an 'intact' family as excuses, then you are not a good parent because you selfishly doesn't want the kids to think of you as the bad parent when you file for divorce. To me, using the kids as an excuse is the most selfish act!! I can't accept such excuses!! Today's kids are way smarter and their ability to adapt to changes are faster than adults.

If you truly love your kids, show them the courage to love, to trust and to be happy without fear. Teach them that their happiness has to be the utmost priority before they know how to make other people happy. When you are true to yourself, you show your kids how to be true to themselves. You are their role model, so be the right role model. Teach them how to be true to themselves and always, always pursue their heart desire. Never allows anyone to hold them back. The person who truly loves them would want them to follow their heart and not ask them to compromise to make someone else happy.

If because of share financial and properties, it is even a more unacceptable reasons not to file for divorce. These are all material possessions that you can't take it with you when you die. And as long as you are still able to work, you can earn back what you have to give away.

So why sacrifice your own happiness for an unhappy/unfulfilling marriage because of material possessions??

For me, I'm a selfish person. My happiness and being true to myself are my priorities. I can't be the right role model if I'm lying to myself, if I pretend to be happy when I'm not. I'll never stay in a marriage for the sake of kids and money.

I will let go and move on when my guy makes my life miserable and unhealthy even though if there are kids in the picture. I will do my best to be a great parent irregardless if I stay in the marriage or not. In fact, if I choose to stay I will be a miserable parent because I'm trap in a marriage that I want out. I hate to be trapped because I'm not an animal. I'm a human being and I have the freedom to choose from all the choices available to me. So why should I not choose the life I want when I only have 1 life to live. That's me.

And yes I'm selfish. But please don't pass judgment on my selfishness if deep down you agree with what I wrote.

In fact, think about my questions and answer it honestly to yourself. You owe yourself the truth and honesty. If you can't be honest and truthful to yourself, then you are living a life that is a big lie. You can lie to everyone, but please don't lie to yourself. If you do, that will be the message you will be teaching your kids. Lie to themselves. Ignore their true feelings/wants/desires.

Divorce isn't easy and there will be a lot of heartbreaks, but if it is necessary, it is better to do it sooner than later. Again, it is my personal views only.

What is Marriage??

Marriage is a union between two people who are supposedly to be madly in love and want to spend the rest of their life with each other and build a family. That's how most people think and view marriage.  But not my views.

Before I share my views and thoughts, I would like to share some of the answers I got from my friends, both sexes, when I posted the above question to them.

The men view was different from the women view, but they did shared one same view - "Marriage is overrated!!" 

My male friends advised me not to get married unless I want to have kids of my own. Otherwise, just have a long-term companion without the official paper to bind me. For my guys friend, they married because they wanted to have kids, hence, they need to provide a good environment for their kids to grow up - a loving and happy family. So to a guy, marriage = children!! Oh another reason men get married is because of an obligation/a promised made to their gf to marry them. The man might still love the woman, but he isn't in love with her anymore. But because they have been together for so many years, the man feels obligated to marry her or else he will be deemed the bad guy. So sad......and even sadder if the man is in love with another woman, but still decide to marry the gf. Should a man still continues with the marriage in the above scenario just because of a promised he made few years ago?? 

My female friends also advised me not to get married because it isn't a fairytale ending. They told me not to get myself stuck in a situation. They told me if they can turn back the clock, they wouldn't have gotten married. They don't mind having children, but minus the husband. Some of the women feel trap in their marriage because their love for the husband has changed, but are forced to stay in the marriage for various reasons. Some of them hope that their husband can let them go by dissolving the marriage. Some women gets into marriage because of security/safety net (financial).

Ok, now my views and thoughts on marriage:

For me, marriage is a piece of legal paper where two people signed on it and announced to the whole world that now he/she belongs to each other and no one else can claim him/her anymore!! A piece of paper that creates a miserable life for either party who wants to call it quit if the above scenarios should happen. A piece of paper that serves no purpose in a marriage except to make the marriage legal. This piece of paper does not guarantee that love, trust and happiness will exist and continue to exist after being legally married so why then do I need this piece of paper???

If I need a piece of paper to keep the man I love in my life, I don't want it. Why?? Because I'm not so naive to think that even after legally married, he won't file for divorce one day when he isn't in love with me anymore or vice versa. If it is true and long lasting love, the legal paper isn't necessary at all. Some women will argue that it is for protection so that if anything happens to the man in their life, the wife will be the legitimate beneficial of his assets (if any). Valid point. But then, we are living in 21st century. If my man really loves me and takes my interests to heart, he will have arranged everything for me to make sure that I will be fully taken care of one day he isn't around anymore.

He doesn't needs a piece of marriage paper to remind him to do that. He doesn't needs the judge to tell him to pay alimony to me. He will make sure that I'm taken care of when he isn't around anymore if he truly loves me irregardless if we are officially married or not.

So to me, marriage is overrated and it doesn't guarantee love, trust and happiness. For me, I don't want kids of my own so marriage is not required. I will be happy to be a stepmom to my man's children or we could always adopt. All I want is to be with someone who isn't afraid to love me wholeheartedly and will treat me as his wife even if I'm not legally married to him.

To me, a real marriage happens when two different minds, two different hearts, two different souls and two different people are merged into 1 without a piece of legally signed paper!! They took the leap of faith that their love is strong enough to keep them together and they will continue to be in love with each other even though they are not legally bind to love, to cherish and to treasure each other.  Hence, marriage isn't in my to do bucket lists because I want to take the leap of faith with the right man without a piece of legally signed paper.

I know I'm too idealistic and majority of the women don't agree with my views and is ok because what I want for my life is for me and not everyone. I just have to meet a man who shares the same believe as me. Tall order, but never say never.

Beside, marriage is messy (big wedding ceremony, planning and etc) and divorce is even messier (splitting of assets, disagreements, kids visitation and etc)!!!

Just imagining both scenarios in my mind are enough to scare me away from getting married.....LOL!! Beside, there is nothing I hear about married life that I envy.

Anyway, good luck to those brave souls who jump into the marriage wagon.