Affair

Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can't call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn't, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let's identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn't good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn't bother to remember as it doesn't concerns me.
Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don't know and I don't care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don't get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won't deny that I'm curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn't. I'm curious, but I never ask any V and I don't act weird around them when I see them together. I don't pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn't right, but 1 hand can't clap. Just like 1 person can't tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S's dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn't raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V's parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X'mas. S's wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don't judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don't know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.
Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I'm proud to say I'm not one of those people as my life is very open. I'm not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I'm wrong. I don't hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I'll admit and face the consequences. I'm not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn't values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy's friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn't wants him to divorce her and doesn't mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don't. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don't pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don't condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge. 

A little bit about "Me"

November is a slow month. No meetings schedule till next week. Been sitting at home waiting for decisions from Developers. Really bored. So today decided to have a late lunch at LeBar Sofitel KL as I want to get out of the house. Been holed up in the house for the entire week except went out for groceries shopping. Ordered food delivery hence didn't need to go out for food too. Hahaha.

I literally sat at home and played game to prevent my brain from thinking too much. I'm also trying not to do to many soul searching thinking as I did a lot of that in the past 1.5 years and I'm sure I know myself much more deeply now. I don't want to plan too far ahead as I don't know what is around the corner waiting for me. There are things I want to achieve in life and I'm working very hard to achieve my goals. Basically, I need to rebuild my financial nest. Once my financial is back to a stable and healthy level I will be able to embark on my colourful life journey again. I have to temporary slow it down because I have a fair bit of financial obligations that I need to fulfill and without a steady flow or a large chunk of income stream going into my bank account, I can't freely embark on my colourful life journey. Is kinda frustrating sometimes as I can't go out and do what I want to, but I have to be patient because I put myself in this predicament by investing too much properties when the market was booming and now I'm stuck with properties that I can't sell yet and took too long to rent it out. So it burnt a hole in my bank account. Plus a huge chunk of my cash is stuck in stock market as I can't sell the shares I bought at the peak because the prices are super low now. So have to wait for it to climb back to a healthy level before I cash out. And I hadn't worked for almost 3 years and living on my savings so depleting my bank account further. And although I started working again last year, the salary I received was way too pathetic that it wasn't even enough to cover my condo monthly instalment. I did closed a few deals, but only enough to help em to cover my living expenses. At least it helps to pay bills, but definitely not enough to allow me to indulge in the type of colourful life journey that I was used to. Temporary setback until I get my financial back on track.

So now what I have to do is work hard and work smart to build up my financial again. I have a strong feeling that 2018 will be a great year for me. Once my financial is back to a healthy level, I will relook into going back to university for my MBA in psychology. It has always been my wish to go back to graduate school for this subject. Human behaviour is an interesting subject for me to analyse and explore. I wished I took up psychology during my undergraduate rather than business management and marketing. Anyway, it isn't too late for me to pursue this subject. At least now, I study for fun and not to get a job so the pressure is off to deliver good grades. Haha. Anyway, I was an alright student seeing that I rarely study except 1 week before the exam. My overall GPA was 3.5 so ain't too bad. I would say I'm a street smart person more than book smart although I like to read a lot. Just not educational materials. Haha.

I'm a rebellious kid since I was young being the eldest not only in my family, but in the entire clan too. So I got pampered a lot even though I grew up in a broken family. My grandma (dad's side) not only loved me a lot, but she pampered and spoiled me to the maximum. Although I had a few years of very sad and dark childhood, I still grew up alright because of my grandma. I loved her loads, but when I was younger I didn't show her my love enough and definitely didn't know how to appreciate her until much later in life which was already too late as she passed away almost 15 years. She didn't get to see my success today. If she is still around today I'm sure she will be very proud of me. I miss her. I miss my grandma. Without her unwavering love and support I wouldn't be who I'm today. I owe part of what I own today to my grandma. She didn't only give me love, attention, but she also supported my financially when my dad was poor and couldn't support me. And I don't remember thanking my grandma properly. I think there were many moments that I found her annoying and irritating. I was very impatient with her as she got older and slower in her movements. I also didn't spend enough time with her when she was alive. Now that I'm writing about my grandma, I'm feeling sad as I didn't spend enough time with her before she passed away. And I didn't say a proper thank you and goodbye to her. I think I will do it now.

"Ma Ma, thank you for your love, care and support for me when I was growing up. You were my anchors. Without you, I might not have achieved so much in life and be who I'm today. You will always be in my heart. And I'm sorry for not being a better granddaughter. I miss you a lot 😘😘. I hope you are happy where you are now. I'm sure you are in heaven. I love you always"

I'm feeling emotional now. And I'm sobbing while writing the above. I'm still sitting in LeBar in Sofitel and trying to hold back my tears. Haha.

I grew up in a broken family and had experienced 1st hand being neglected by my parents. My mum was because she had me when she was too young and just never grew up. My dad was because he had to work to support the family so always not around as he was a traveling salesman then. My dad still travels a lot now, but it doesn't bothers me anymore as I'm a grown woman now. I never experienced growing up in a loving and intact family so it created a problem for me when I was growing up because I became insecure. I seek attention and associated to getting attention as getting love. Even until I was in my mid-30s', I was still insecure and always wanting attention. I only managed to find inner peace and accepted myself 100% about 5 years ago. I'm still work in progress, but I'm in a better place now than I was 5 years ago and definitely better than I was last year after the bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp. That changed me even though I didn't want to admit, but it did changed me. I'm not sure if my changes are good for me in the long-term yet as I'm still improving on myself. But for now, I like who I'm becoming into after the shitty experienced. I didn't deserve what Peter Wittendorp did to me before, during and after.

Anyway, I will let bygone be bygone.

Oh well, I better stop here as I want to head home now......Happy Sunday everyone!!

Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I'm super bored and even then I still don't spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn't see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don't think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don't add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was "You are a goat". I replied "huh". Then his next message was "Don't contact me again". The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don't plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm......nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I'm very focus on my career now and won't have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren't many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn't a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn't click as the connection weren't there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don't live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don't like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don't add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don't feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I'm super bored. Otherwise I couldn't be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I'm definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn't in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn't a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn't, keep trying. And for those who hasn't try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn't frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today's society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder.  Cheers.

Don't ever tell a woman to chill....

When a woman is pissed off, NEVER tells her to chill or relax or calm down because it will makes her more pissed off! At least it is the case with me. It annoys me to the maximum when my people tell me to chill or relax when I'm pissed off. If I have wanted to be chilled or relaxed, I wouldn't be pissed off and ranting in the 1st place. When I expressed about the thing/issue that pissed me off openly on social platform, it is my way of letting off steam rather than keeping the unhealthy feelings inside me or ignores it!!

I noticed it is usually men who would tell a woman to chill or relax or calm down and move on. Women will give more sympathetic comments or supports than men. Women are more careful with their words as they understand when another woman is upset or pissed off, we don't want to be told to chill or relax or calm down. Never ever uttered these words to a foul mood woman unless you want her to chew you alive. Hahaha. What  we want to hear from you is that you understand what we are feeling at the moment and shows your sympathy or compassion for us. You can even crack a joke, but it has to be a funny one that crack us up laughing as it will helps us to get back into a good mood quicker.

Men just don't know how to appease an upset, angry or pissed off woman other than telling us to chill or relax or calm down! Haha. So men out there, please don't tell a woman to chill or relax when she is pissed off or angry or upset or mad as it will makes her even more pissed off and this time it will be aimed at you rather than the thing/people who pissed her off in the 1st place. You will become a victim and she will lashes out at you. So the best way to handle a woman who is in a foul mood is better just to say "hey, i know you aren't in the mood to talk, but I'm here so anytime you are ready I'm happy to listen". That's all I want to hear and it will definitely makes me calm down faster. Men, please be smart with your words choice ok! Please, please, avoid using words that will antagonise us further when we are already in a combat mode and ready to bite off someone's head. Remember that 😂!

My feeling in Rhodes & my b'day celebration on 12th August

I'm very happy that I selected Kokkini Porta Rossa as my hotel because I feel very at home here. I feel peaceful and blissful. I could sit in the windy and cool courtyard for hours and without feeling bored. I just idle my day away without doing anything. All I want to do is just enjoy the tranquility and coolness of the place. It allowed me to regain my balance in life and get rid of any negative feelings that I might still harbour in me. This trip has been great so far as I'm finally able to understand how to appreciate being surrounded by new people and not feel lonely. Nikon and Angela have become fast friends and I think I will continue to stay in touch with them as I don't only enjoy their company but also like them personally. They have interesting tales to tell and from them and their experiences I have gained other insights into life.

I don't feel the need to fill my life with acitivities or people anymore. Although I had my birthday dinner by myself, I didn't feel alone or lonely. I actually felt good and actually enjoyed a quiet delicious dinner at Marco Polo. But of course, Angela wouldn't allowed that hence she told the owner of the restaurant it was my birthday and they sang me happy birthday song and gave me complimentary dessert.



For the 1st time among all my birthday trips, I never wish to celebrate my birthday with someone special. I used to wish I have a man in my life to celebrate my birthday with me, but this year such a thought vanished. I felt really happy and contented spending time by myself. I felt complete and fulfilled which I never thought it was possible 😀. I know that mentally I have reached a new breakthrough as well as emotionally.

I learned my own actual self-worth and how to be contented with life little pleasures such as idling my time away doing nothing, but sitting in the lovely , breezy and peaceful courtyard for a few hours and don't feel bored or tired or the pressure to go out for site visits. Btw, the tree is 200 years old 😀! The owners built around it. I never get bored looking at it. Made me feel calmed and relaxed.



And I'm so so so happ that finally, my heart is healed and I have forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made in the past. My urged to write to him one last time via letter had gone and although he does popped into mind occasionally it passed by quickly too. It was a flitting thought about him and I'm fine with it. After all, he had contributed in partly shaping me into who I have become today - a better version of my old self as I learned and understand myself deeper discovered new facets about my feelings and emotions.

It was a great decision to spend my birthday in Rhodes. I have finally set myself free from my own misgivings 😊😉. I'm happy, contented and pleased with myself and everything I have achieved thus far in life from the bottom of my heart! 

Blogging is therapeutic for me

People blog for various reasons. I treat blogging as journaling. I know it is crazy to share my life so openly as I'm putting myself out there to be judged, ridiculed and maybe even crucified but I still want to do it because this is what I want to do. I'm doing it for me and no one else so other people judgments and views don't matter to me. Blogging allows me to express and write down my thoughts and feelings anytime I want. It also allows me to record down events that are important to me so that I can read back in the future when my memory has failed me. I blog because it is also therapeutic for me. I can't always turn to my friends when I'm unhappy and want to vent as they have a life to live too. So blogging is definitely a good platform for me to release my emotions and not hold back because if I hold back I will drive myself up the wall.

Blogging had helped me to heal from my bad experienced and broken heart. I didn't share my life stories with strangers to get attention to myself. I'm sharing my life stories because it helps me to see a different angle of my life. Beside, I also hope that some of the things I had experienced in life are also relatable to people who read my posts. It can be really lonely when we are in a dark mood and we don't feel like talking to people. When I was in those moody and dark period, I always searched the web for stories of people who went through the same experienced and read how they overcame it. It gave me strengths and inspirations. With that in mind, I'm willing to journal down my life experiences. I didn't want to write only happy moments because life is made up of a concoction of different moods and moments. I want to share my ups and downs, my happiness and sadness and all the beautiful and ugliness of my life.

My life isn't perfect, but it is still a life I'm proud to live. I'm not ashamed of my life because I choose the way I want to live, not the way how society dictates how I should live!! I will never be a fake person!! I will never stop blogging.

My Brother's Birthday Party

Last night my brother had his belated birthday party @ Arena Bar, TTDI. It was a good and fund night because an unexpected guest showed up - a HK TVB actor, Hung Tin Ming. I was planning to stay for 2 hours only, but ended up staying till about 2.30am. I played a few rounds of beer pong with Tin Ming. He looks much better in person than on TV 😀. And he is really friendly and nice. We sat in the VIP room so it was kinda private. But he wasn't afraid to socialise or be seen as he went out to play slap cups with my brother and friends.

I challenged him to play beer pong and he agreed. I won the 1st round and he challenged me to a 2nd round. Haha. 2nd round he won. So it was even. After that we played double and it was an even games. We won and we lost too. Instead of beer pong we played with champagne so even more potent.

My brother opened 50 bottles of champagne and we finished it all. Crazy. Haha. Luckily I work for myself or else I won't be able to wake up today to get to work. OH well, I definitely had a fun time. Photos as proof. 😁

Peter Wittendorp chapter officially closed

I finally figured out why it took me so long to forgive myself and got over him (Peter Wittendorp). It was because I was clinging on a minuscule hope that one day we will have a chance to sit down and talk openly what had happened between us. I was too stubborn to let go because I wasn't ready to let go. I was hoping for something that will never happen, but I didn't want to accept the fact even though deep down in my heart I knew I was hoping for the impossible 😉. I was just plained stubborn period. Haha.

And the moment I decided not to pursue the truth of why he lied to me, I also learned to forgive myself for believing in him beyond a reasonable doubt. The moment I stopped feeling stupid about my blind trust in him, I accepted the fact that we will never cross path again!

I didn't want to forget him, but at the same time I wasn't able to forgive him for what he did to me and how he treated me hence it caused a lot of internal frictions for myself. I only managed to clear my head when I was in Rhodes. I accepted the fact that he will never think of me anymore and he will never be in my life again. Yes even after how he treated me and did to me, I was still hoping (minuscule) that he was still in my life. I know, I know.....I shouldn't had such hope, but I did. But not anymore for 1 month. So is a good sign.

I was also in conflict earlier because I felt there was a need to make him believe that I'm innocent. In fact, I wanted desperately to convince him I'm innocent. But now I realised that it is pointless to do so because what he thinks/believes is irrelevant to me. What is important is I know I'm innocent. Trying to convince someone who is adamant that I'm the culprit is actually a waste of time. I rather spend my time and energy on something else that can enrich my life and enhance my experience.

Anyway, bottomline is I'm in a good place now. Occasionally his name stills popped into my mind and I'll also wonder about him, but it passed by quickly. So everything is good. Life is not as great as I want it to be as I have a lot of financial burden, but I will make it better soon. I just need to work hard and never give up 😀!

Happy Weekend!

Making peace with my past

I forgave myself

Finally I was able to forgive myself during my stayed in Rhodes. I forgave myself for my foolishness, stubbornness and blindness for trusting and falling in love with him. I forgave myself for believing and thinking he truly loved me and wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I forgave myself for wanting him to be in my life for as long as I'm alive. Most important of all, I forgave myself for being a fool!

It took me 1.5 years to forgive myself, but I did it. The 1st time I admitted and said it out loud I forgave myself was during my chat with Angela. We were talking about life and I told her that this year birthday was a good birthday even though I dined alone, but I didn't feel lonely or alone. I felt peaceful, happy and contented. I actually enjoyed my own company very much and I didn't feel the need to be surrounded by people. For the 1st time I truly understand how I felt celebrating alone. I didn't care if people think I was pitiful or whatever because what they think was irrelevant to me. I also shared with her that my trip to Rhodes was a trip to recharge and heal myself.

When Angela heard that I took 1.5 years to forgive myself for my foolishness, she commented that was long. She further said that all of us made mistakes and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for our past mistakes. She said it was good that I managed to forgive myself. And I couldn't agree more with her. Aside from Angela, I also admitted to another couple (Ian & Michelle) who stayed at the hotel at the same time as me when we were talking about life and experienced on the day I was to leave Rhodes. It felt really good to be able to admit and say it out loud that I forgave myself for all the mistakes I had made in the past. I knew at that moment I had finally stop beating myself up and stop searching for answers as to why he did what he did to me and treated me so badly. The need to search for answers and the truth weren't important anymore. I was finally able to let go! I felt light once again.

So far I admitted to 3 people that I took 1.5 years to forgive myself and their reaction was the same - that I took very long time to forgive myself and I didn't need to forgive myself. I told them I needed to because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to stop looking for answers as to why he treated me so badly, why he had to play with my heart and feelings. Forgiving myself is the final stage in healing my broken heart by accepting and admitting my mistakes openly and being ok with the mistake I had made in the past. Is kinda making peace with my own heart and mind 😊.

It was a long road to heal my heart, but I did it. And this time is for real. In the past, I always thought I had healed and moved on, but in actual fact I was forcing myself to heal and hence I didn't manage to heal properly. I finally understand the difference between a natural vs a force healing. I'm not sure if I will ever forget him, but I'm sure that thinking of him doesn't makes me angry anymore. He was a part of my life that I will never be able to erase because the experienced he gave me had contributed to the changes in me. So the best is just let it be.

Anyway, forgiving myself is the best gift I can give myself. It was really a long road for me, but it was necessary. Learn to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you have made and life will gets better.

Happy Sunday 😀

I AM SORRY!

FREEDOM

What is FREEDOM to you? Is it not having to worry about money?? Or is it the ability to say what you think and do what you want? I think all of us view freedom differently, but yet all of us share the same desire to have freedom.

Freedom isn't free! Contrary to the word itself, freedom comes with a price tag. We have to sacrifice something, be it money or our time, in exchange for our freedom. None of us will enjoy 100% freedom as we tend to bound ourselves to different type of commitments that will curtail our freedom. But some of us are much lucky as we enjoy more freedom than others.

For myself, I enjoy great freedom in many aspects and I will share why I'm so lucky. Firstly, I don't care about what people say or think of me. Hence it gives me the freedom to live the life I want without fear of repercussions. I live my life at my own terms and conditions and I can modify along the way as I deem fit to suit my lifestyle. Because I don't care about other people opinions and views of me, I can be MYSELF. The professional and personal me is the same. I don't wear mask, unlike most people. Hence it is a trait admire by most people.

Secondly, I have the financial freedom to choose the quality of life I want to live and enjoy. I don't have a lot of money and I do have loans commitment (like majority of the people, but I'm still able to support myself and travels when I feel like it. I still stay in 4-5 stars hotels/resorts, do my shopping and eat any food I want (not a big eater or a foodie so doesn't cost much for me to eat. haha). I haven't have a steady income for more than 3 years and I lost a fair bit of money in my investments (beer & restaurant businesses. not to mention got stuck with lousy asset in Ipoh that is causing me to burn a hole in my bank account with the loan instalment I have to pay. Bleeding me dry soon. haha), but yet I didn't need to sacrifice much for my quality of life. So not too bad.

Thirdly, I'm able to choose my work and career choice. I don't have to force myself to work for people to earn a steady income because of my financial freedom. I don't need to force myself to get up at 7am to get to work daily and do reporting or paperworks. This is the freedom that majority of the people crave for and I'm bless to be able to have it. Not only I'm able to do what I love, I also get to choose the deals I want to work on. Simply put I don't work for money. I work on a deal/project because I know I will learn new things and I get to work with people who are like minded like me, friendly and professional. I want to work on a deal/project that not only adds more zeroes in my bank account, but also able to feed my brain and my soul. In simple words, I can't be bought by money. Of course I love to be rewarded by money, but it is not the pinnacle of the reward for me.

Fourthly, I'm single hence I have the freedom to do whatever I please without having to seek another person "ok" or make compromises in my decisions or have to consider the other person feelings/thoughts/views. I can go where I want/love and do what I like/love. Of course there will be people out there who would say I'm selfish and lonely (which I admit I feel occasionally), but I don't care what they say/think because without freedom it is like living without air. I have witnessed too many relationship failures/dramas and seriously makes me think thrice about sacrificing my freedom in exchange for a full-time lover. I will only seriously consider being in a relationship if my freedom isn't curtailed and the compromised I have to make will not affect me too drastically or greatly. Otherwise, I think I might just opt to have fuck buddy or casual relationship.

I don't need a man to support me financially or emotionally. I just want a man to satisfy me physically when I want it so why buy a tree when I can have the forest 😜?? Anyway, in short, freedom to me is the ability to choose the life I want both professionally and personally. And so far I'm lucky and bless to be able to enjoy freedom in both areas of my life.

I wish everyone will soon be able to achieve their own FREEDOM too. Happy Tuesday peeps!

Porn

Recently I had an interesting conversation with a few clients. 1 of the topic we openly talked about was porn. I admitted to them I watch porn as I don't find anything wrong with women watching porn. And seriously I don't think there is anything wrong for men to watch porn too. Porn to me is just like any other entertainment. I watched porn because I was curious about the different sex styles between Asians and Westerners. And honestly, some of the porn clips were pretty funny especially the Japanese porn as the women moaning is so fake!! And they are bushy and hairy. I find it such a turn off when women don't shave and keep it neat and smooth. Even for men is the same. I just find it such a turn off if I find a man bushy and hairy. I prefer a man who does trimming and keeping it tidy and clean. Hahaha! Yes, I'm not ashamed of talking about porn and sex. I couldn't think of a reason why I should be ashamed to talk openly about porn and sex as it is part of life. Nothing is taboo or off limits to me.

During that discussion, there was another female client there. She's a Singaporean and she never watch porn before. Honestly, I was kinda surprised she has never watch porn. She was surprised I did. Lol. Couldn't blame because I think only a very small % of Asian women have actually watched porn and even rarer for them to admit that they watched it. I'm the exception to the rule 😂😂!

Seriously, I'm very open-minded and I don't get offended easily. I have a very curious mind hence I like to explore and learn new things. Of course people would tell me that I don't get to learn anything from watching porn, but not true for me. I did learned a few tricks 🤣🤣!

Anyway, my point is is ok for women to watch porn. Is even fun to watch it with your man and treat it as an entertainment. Of course I'm not saying is ok to watch it a few times a day because then it will be too excessive. But occasional watching can helps to spice up your sex life with your partner. If you haven't try watching, give it a try before you chastise people who do watch porn. Keep an open mind about watching porn as long as it doesn't turns into an obsession.

As for me, I will continue to watch as and when I feel like it. And I will even invite my lover (when I find one) to watch it with me to make our sex life more fun and exciting 😂😛! Life is too short for me to care about what society think of me. I want to experience and enjoy life at my own terms. Give it a try. If you watch it once and doesn't like it, then you don't have to watch it again. But at least give it a watch to find out for yourself how it make you feel.

Anyway, have a great Saturday night whatever you choose to do. Ciao

Vion - 1 of my best friend of 23 years

Just had a late lunch cum early dinner. Tonight going to attend a Moet party at Arena Bar. Tomorrow will be spending time with 1 of my best friend from Hong Kong, Vion. I have known her for 23 years already. We met in university. We both studied in HPU and during my stayed in Hawaii, she had been a great friend to me. I had a severe lower back pain at 20 years old and couldn't sit, sleep ad stand without feeling a severe sharp pain. At that time Vion was working as a clerk in a chiropractor's office. I called her in the middle of the night for helped and she came immediately. She brought the chiropractor with her and to help me to lessen my pain. I was all alone in Hawaii and she was the only friend who had car back then. Subsequently, she arranged for me to go to the chiropractor's clinic to get treatments. It helped to lessen my lower back pain. I was told by the chiropractor that I had a mild sclerosis and until today I still experience lower back pain. Yoga helps, but if I stand or sit or walk too much, the sharp pain will hits me and makes me grumpy and helpless!

Anyway, coming back to Vion. She is the type of person who shoots her mouth and sometimes her words were very piercing and sarcastic. She speaks her mind and doesn't gives a rat shit about what people think of her. I can talk to her about anything and everything. She is actually a very caring and nice person if you can accept her bluntness. She is even more blunt than me!!! Haha! Is true. I have accepted her for who she is and doesn't get offended easily by the words that came out of her mouth. In fact, I can count on her to give me the un-sugarcoated version of things. She will exert her views even if I don't ask for it 😀! I'm cool with her as overall she means well and just looking out for my best interests.

She always takes the initiative to reach out to me by calling me when she hasn't heard from me for a period of time. Usually we will speak 1-2 times a month just to catch up on life. She is street smart (typical HKger) and is doing fair well as a property agent in HK.

When we were both studying in Hawaii, she would called me up after my night class and asked if I had eaten. When I told her I hadn't, she would drove to my condo in Waikiki Beach to take me out for dinner. I can still remember an incident where her car was tolled away by the authority because she parked next to the hydrant. We were panicked when we couldn't find the car. Our 1st thought was it might had been stolen. But when we looked again at the spot she parked, we realised that it was most likely that it was tolled away by the authority. Haha. It was a lesson learnt not to park next to a hydrant.

I'm grateful to have her as my good friend. I told her everything about my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful parts of my life journey. She will always be 1 of my best friend till the end of my life.

Well she has been in KL for more than 1 week, but because she has a fair bit of friends in KL so she only has time to catch up with me tomorrow. Beside, I was busy during weekdays with appointments and meetings so I'm cool to spend time with her tomorrow. I'm going to take her for tim-sum, follow by a site visit, some shopping and then dinner with my dad, stepmom and half sister. They met her before and Vion loves to chat with dad as she always says my dad is a funny man and also she has lots of respects for my dad because of his never gives up fighting spirit. My dad is a super positive man. I believe I inherited his positive thinking 😁!

Oh well, tomorrow night dinner will be full of laughter for sure. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with Vion as her brashness and bluntness are refreshing. But having said that, I have a limit of how many days I can enjoy her company. Not so much because of her, but more to do with myself. I have a need to shutdown and be by myself after spending long amount of time with people irregardless if they are my family or good friends. I just need my alone time to clear my mind and enjoy my own company. If I don't get that I will become grumpy and irritated. Maybe is because I'm so used to my own company I can't handle too much time being surrounded by people and noises.

So a day in her company is just perfect for me 😝😁. But now I have to stop here as I need to go and buy some groceries before heading home. Happy weekend everyone!!

Forgetful

I'm very forgetful lately. It has turned from bad to worst. For instance, I had created a Peter Wittendorp board on Pinterest, but just 2 days ago when I tried to save more new pins to this board, I couldn't find it. Totally gone without a trace. I was surprised when I couldn't find the board. A few thoughts crossed my mind about what could had happened to the missing board. 1 of the thought was Peter Wittendorp hired a white hacker to hack into my account to delete it. But then when I think deeper, I don't think he will go to such an extent as this board was created 1 year ago. If he wanted to hack into my Pinterest's account he could had done it earlier.

My the other thought seemed more plausible, but yet I have no recollection of doing it - I deleted the board myself. Frankly, I don't remember if I did it or not even this moment, I still couldn't remember. I'm guessing I did because there isn't any more sensible reason to explain why the board was missing without a trace. Until now I'm still trying to think back if I did, but nothing comes to mind. Anyway, the board is deleted from my Pinterest and I don't plan to create a new board again because it is time to move on. I haven't use Pinterest for at least 2 months hence I didn't realise the board was gone until 2 days ago. Is a good sign because I used the board to vent all my feelings when I created it 1 year ago. Now I don't need to do it anymore.  I just wish I could remember I had deleted the board so that I won't feel so forgetful.

I'm not only forgetful about things I did, but also what I had said or people I had met before. My memories really not as tip top as before. Maybe I think too much and hence only remember important things. Haha.

Oh well, it isn't a bad thing to be forgetful as it will allows me to forget bad memories and also shitty people who hurt me. So don't mind being forgetful occasionally. Hahaha

Updates about Xavier & I

"I totally understand u"......said Xavier. He repeated it 3x to me when I explained to him why I needed to take a break from chatting with him. Finally, yesterday afternoon I explained to him clearly the reasons for my decision and also how he made me felt. And his replied was he understand me totally!!! Hmmmm.......does he really understands me??? Maybe!

He also told me that his dad poor health is affecting his mood as he is annoyed with everyone and almost anything nowadays and only he himself can settle it. Meaning only he himself can make himself snap out of the annoyance. I trust that his dad is ill and he is worried about his dad's health, but I'm doubtful he doesn't has other reason why he suddenly distance himself from our friendship. Anyway, I'm not sad about his decision as I have learned to accept the fact that people come and go. I have decided not to chase people and let them be.

I have also decided that I will only put in the same amount of effort as the other person puts in. Nothing more and nothin less. I won't be the giver all the time. It has to be a balance. Actually, it was a good thing that Xavier acts the way he does now as it allows me to see another side of him that further confirmed the fact that it will be hard for me to be emotionally connected to him. I don't think he knows how to deal with my emotional disclosure. As a friend I don't expect anything from him so I'm ok with his lack of reactions to my feelings. I told him that I like him, but I'm not able to feel connected to him in the past 5 months. I was hoping that he could made me feel connected to him, but it never happened. He never asked me a single thing about me hence he doesn't know much about me except what I chose to tell him. He has no in depth knowledge about who I'm at all because I didn't volunteer any information. If he wants to know, he has to ask. If he doesn't asks, then he won't know as I won't tell.

Nowadays, I have stopped volunteering info about myself. If someone wants to know me better, the person has to ask to show his/her interests in getting to know me. Otherwise what they get is just the surface me. I'm not willing to subject myself to be hurt again, especially by men. And Xavier just sucks as emotional connection. Well, thank god we are just friend and nothing more. And even more thankful is the fact that we didn't get physical at all!! I didn't even kiss him as I mentioned in my last post. That just showed that I wasn't attracted to him romantically and physically. So I'm cool that we have this cool off period. If he reaches out after his dad's surgery or any other time in the future, I will still reply as after all he is still a nice guy to have as a friend.

But as a potential lover, I doubt it will ever happen as he isn't exactly my cup of tea unless he miraculously able to make me feel connected to him emotionally. I have my doubts. So for now I will just go with the flow and pay my attention back to my work as business is picking up and more exciting projects in the pipeline.

I shall update if I have any interesting development with Xavier, but don't hold your breath as I don't think so 😁! Goodnite world!

A good cry...

I felt much better after a good cried. And I said it out loud all the things that were pent up inside me that I couldn't share on my blog. I mean I can, but I don't feel like doing so as I don't want the world to know the affairs of my heart. I don't want to tell the whole world who is the man that I love the most because I still love this person after everything. I hadn't cried for over a year and tonight was the 1st time I cried out loud and poured out my heart contents even though no one was listening. It was actually good to speak out loud to myself as it allowed me to be honest with myself about my feelings, my thoughts, my wishes and my desires.

I think everyone of us need a good cry once awhile to cleanse our heart of any unhappiness and admit to ourselves things that we don't want the world to know. I feel the heaviness in my heart lifted and cleared away after a good cry. I'm not ashamed to admit that I had my weak moment because I'm a human after all.

There is 1 thing I want the most in my life, but I will never ever get it in this lifetime. It is a fact that I have to accept and not only have I learned to accept the fact, I also did everything I could to make sure the fact stays fact. I know I'm not making sense to people who is reading this post and is ok.  Hopefully 1 day when I read back this post I will know and remember what and why I wrote this post. Haha.

For now, this post shall remains a mystery to everyone except me and maybe, just maybe 1 more person if that person reads my post.

Cry your heart anytime you feel like it. Nothing to be ashamed of to feel weak and emotional. It will do you good to let everything out as it will allow you to see and feel things more clearly after a good cry. I'm tired now so going to zzzz.....

Tomorrow is a bran new day with a chance for a brand new start.

Connection..........

is very important in any type of relationship, especially in a love relationship. It is hard to feel love for another person if you don't feel connected to that person mentally and emotionally. Physical attraction is just surface compare to mental and emotional connection. Without these 2, it is hard to form a meaningful relationship both professionally and personally.

I have been chatting regularly with Xavier, a captain for another middle east airline for the past 4 months (I never write anything about him before) and I met up with him for the 1st time about 2 weeks ago when he flew to KL due to work. We met up for drinks, followed by dinner and then we went to Arena for more drinks and beer pong. I wasn't really surprised by his look as he sent me so many selfie of himself in the last 4 months so I was prepared for his look. Haha. Well, he isn't bad looking. Average, tall with a tummy. He doesn't has a memorable face, but it is a pleasant face though. We had been talking over the phone for awhile so it was easy for us to keep the conversation alive, at least for 4-5 hours on my part. We talked about his work and other more general topics. We never touched on his past personal relationship or anything related to the relationship topic. He didn't ask me much questions about myself and it was the same for me too. In the past I would had asked a lot of questions especially if I like the guy. But in this instance with Xavier, I couldn't bother to ask at all. If he disclosed voluntarily, good. If not, is fine too.

He drank like a fish and his breath smell of coffee as he is a heavy coffee drinker so I could smell it on his breath when he leaned in a bit closer to me. I actually told him I could smell coffee on his breath and informed him in a more polite and gentle manner that I'm very sensitive to smell and coffee smelling breath isn't my favourite smell at all. Haha. He caught on my real meaning and said that I told him indirectly he had bad breath. Haha. I replied to him not bad breath, just breath that smell like coffee. To be honest it was a major turned off for me. I can't stand breath that is laced with smell. I tried to keep a safe distance from him so that I wouldn't be able to smell his breath when he talked to me.

Another reason I kept my distance was because I didn't want him to lean in to kiss me. I just didn't feel the sparks and attraction for him at all. My feeling for him is more like a friend rather than a man with the potential to start a relationship. I know he likes me a lot more than I like him, hence it was even more important for me to not led him on until I'm very clear that I would like to explore a relationship with him (still under observation). I just don't feel the connection with him although we share a few same interests. I have been keeping an open mind and open heart to try to connect with him mentally and emotionally, but so far without much success. Connection can't be forced that is for sure.

Is either you feel a connection or you don't. That is why it was so hard for me to let go of the last guy as we had a strong and deep connection, at least before all the drama happened between us. I have to admit that I'm curious to know if my connection with the last guy is permanently gone or there is still a residue! A curiosity that will never be answered at all!

Anyway, coming back to Xavier, I will just give it a bit more time to see if there is a chance I can feel a connection to him. I'm not planning to rush into a relationship especially now my career is starting to take off with some very good potential big deals i the horizon, dating isn't my priority. Closing big deals is my main and most important priority and goal at this present time!

I'm happy being single and enjoying my own time so I'm in no hurry to find a man to start a relationship. After the last bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp, I had enough of the pain, hurt and heartbreak to last me till my death. I'm much wiser now and more realistic in my relationship goals. So let's see what's in store for me with Xavier. Maybe nothing at all as I really need to feel the connection to him before I will consider dating him. Oh well.....time will tell. And now I need to sleep.

Goodnite world!

Depression

Tonight I decided to write about this topic because I have a good friend who has depression and another good friend's youngest son is experiencing it too. It is a common mental health issue that all of us will experience some point in our life journey. I don't think anyone can claim they don't have depression. It is nothing to be ashamed off to admit that we have depression. Life can be very stressful at times and when life becomes too overwhelming we lost control of our emotions. Some of us are luckier that we can recover from depression quickly or by ourselves, but some aren't so lucky to be able to fight off the dark mood. I had been there personally and it was caused by Peter Wittendorp. The feared of losing him sent me on a downward spiral for 1 week in April 2014. I cried daily and I didn't had appetite to eat. My friends were worried about me as they had never seen me like that. But I was very lucky to have them by my side as they gave me their time to talk and listen to me. They reminded me of my worth, my strengths and my attractiveness. They helped me to put things in perspectives and understanding that I didn't do anything wrong that would caused Peter to walkout of my life. And even if he did walked out, I would still be okay as I have always been more than okay without him in my life.

But at that very moment, I lost sight of all my achievements and all I could think of was to be with Peter Wittendorp. It was silly and stupid of me and I was seriously depressed for 1 week when I thought he was going to disappear from my life again. I didn't tell Peter what happened to me as I didn't want to scare him away. Until today he didn't know at all unless he reads this post. And honestly it doesn't matter if he knows or not. Is irrelevant now.

Since I had a short bout of depression, I can relate and understand how it feels. Each person deals with depression differently and some need treatment and medication to make them feel better. 1 of my best friend he has it and he has to see doctor and take medication to help him feels better. His depression was mainly caused by work stress and pressure. He was unhappy working in the company, but because of the need to earn a living he stayed in the job. He fought with the GM, who happened to a bitchy woman who didn't like my friend from day 1 hence she planned and plotted on how to get rid of my friend. And she succeeded because my friend wasn't being careful with his words and actions. She managed to got him fired on some stupid ground. Anyway long story short, he hasn't been himself since then. He isn't working at this moment and when I called him he didn't answer my calls unless I sent him an ultimatum. I  don't know how to help him as he isn't willing to open up to me unless I forced it out of him. I can't keep doing that and I don't want to keep doing that as I know it doesn't helps to make him feel better. He knows himself fairly well. So I hope he will snap out of it soon. 

Another depression story I heard is a good friend's youngest teenage son. His son had always been an A-student throughout most of his school life and when he experienced low grade during his university time he couldn't except the failure and from there he just went downward spiral and didn't want to continue his study. He became aggressive, withdrawn and moody. Video games is his escape and he told his parents that he just want to play video game for the rest of his life and nothing else. He even had attempted to jump down from their condo balcony, but his parents managed to convince  him not to do it. 

His mum is a tiger mum who has a high expectation of him hence it puts more pressure on him  and drive him further into his shell. But his dad, who is a good friend of mine just want his son to be happy and out socialising so that he doesn't hide in the home and play video games only. So he had a father and son talk and he told his son if he study hard and earn good salary he has the freedom to do whatever he wants. And the word freedom was the breakthrough and his son decided to enrol himself in a local university. He even acknowledged he has mental issues and would like to understand himself better. Hence he enrolled in psychology subjects.

Everyone going through depression has different ways to deal with it and the treatment for depression varies from person to person. What is important is to acknowledge we have depression and seek help actively. Is nothing to be ashamed off to have depression. Is part and parcel of our life journey. 

I'm lucky because I'm a very positive and strong person so with good friends helped and support I was able to pull myself out of the sink hole. No man is worth me sacrificing my health for him no matter how much I might love him. And I loved Peter Wittendorp with all my heart. I did. Anyway is history.

So for those who is going through depression don't hide yourself, but instead try to talk to someone and always focus on the positive. Temporary setback in life is not the end of the world. Remind yourself that no matter how tough your life is now, it will pass. I know it is easier to say than to do it, but you have to try. You never know what is just around the corner. Tune your mind to focus on happy thoughts and memories. Don't let your mind to play tricks on you. Don't dwell in negative thoughts. Life is beautiful and colorful. Don't miss out on it! 

I wish those who are experiencing depression now to recover and pull themselves out of the rut soon. 

Confessions

Peter Wittendorp still lives in my mind. Not my heart for sure. But my mind yes as I still think of him daily. I'm not sure why is this happening because I'm very confident that I don't feel anything for him anymore. I don't hate him and I don't like him either. I couldn't like him after all the things he did to break my heart. I'm speculating why my mind is still thinking of him, maybe because I'm not 100% ready to forge him yet. I know I should, but I do miss some of our happier times, silly conversations, multiple and long calls and even video chat. I miss a person who managed to connect with me so well. But then at the same time I still feel like a fool for trusting and allowing him to use me to fill his time!

Some days I wished I was a super bitch and a bad woman because then I will have no qualms to post all our SMSes that I still keep and write about him in details. I do know quite a lot about him, his life and his past relationships/exes, his fantasies, his goals, his parents and siblings, children and others. I'm not kidding when I said I wished I was a bad woman and a super bitch!! But too bad I'm not, although he thinks I'm! Otherwise he wouldn't accused me of all the things that happened to him without any evidence. And even if he can produce some sort of evidence, how would I know it ain't fake? Anyway, he is allowed to think whatever he wants about me. If it makes him sleep and feel better at night by believing that I'm a bad and crazy woman, then let it be. I don't feel the need to defend myself against his baseless and ridiculous accusation. As I had wrote in my past posts if he had no qualms cooking up story about his wife cheating on him so that he could cheat with me, what stops him from cooking up story about me right?? 

If I'm to take a wild guess about 1 of his regrets in life, it would be his lying and cheating. He definitely thinks I'm the mistake and he shouldn't had walked back into my life. He will also says that he doesn't knows who I'm anymore. Likewise, I don't know who is Peter Wittendorp anymore? I thought I did, but now I don't. The moment he confessed to me he lied to me my world went topsy turvy!! Suddenly I questioned everything he ever told me. I felt really really like a stupid fool!! Anyway that were all the past so I will not drag it up again. 

I couldn't bring myself to destroy him with the SMSes (with his number shown) between us and show the world another side of him that not many people saw. I don't want to show the world in black and white that he is a hypocrite. I may write a lot of posts bashing him which I know I shouldn't do irregardless how valid is my reason for doing so. I'm not defending my action, but I'm admitting that I shouldn't have bashed him. 

I need an outlet to vent my feelings and emotions openly. I don't want to bottle up and I want to share with people my story because I know there are many women and even men out there who could be in the same shoes as me, past and present. When people tell me what I did isn't write and morally wrong, I will ask them who set the rules and why should I follow and conform to society unwritten rules and unreasonable expectations. I'm living my life for myself and no one else.

Like I said, by not posting the proofs to prove my claims that he was an asshole, a liar and cheater, he can disputes everything I have written and says I'm crazy. Am I really crazy??? hahahaha.....maybe!! 

At 1 stage I felt so lucky to have him loved me and in my life, but now I don't think so. I can't feel lucky to be loved by a man not only lied to me, but also accused me of something heinous that I didn't do at all! Anyway, I need to stop dragging up the past 😊 and start learning how to get him out of my mind for good. I think I need a bit more time to erase him from my mind. I'm not sure if I will ever forget him, but I definitely would want to get him out of my mind. I really do.

I used to wish that I still crossed his mind and 1 day he will just send me a text with the 3 words..."I am sorry", but deep down I know that day will never happen as long as I live! Breaking up with him, not having him in my life didn't hurt as much as he believed I am an evil person and the accusation he threw at me. Yes, I'm unable to get over his accusation, but I managed to find peace and accepted that's the fact so I don't feel sad and hurt anymore. My wound has healed and now I just need to rid of him from my mind. 

We are stranger again after 10 years. A decade and it was over in a blink of an eye. I was already in his mind since the day we met 10 years ago, but because of a lied our connection and friendship ended. I'm the victim in all this mess and I had to shoulder it all on my own. Oh well, that were all my confessions for tonight. I'm sleepy so crashing now.

Goodnite world!

I care less......

...about how what they are feeling, how I make them feel, what they think or how they think and etc. I don't put in too much time and effort to try to figure or find out their feeling and thinking. If they want to tell me, I will listen BUT the moment I sense any negative vibes from them I will shutdown and stay clear. I have learned not to absorb negative vibes/energy and also not to waste my time trying to cheer up anyone like I used to do in the past. I allow them to go through their own emotion/feeling and to sort it out themselves. They aren't my responsibility and I won't make it mine because we are all adults and we should be responsible for our own feelings and actions.

Caring less is actually helping me to see people without an idea of who they should be in my mind, but rather let them be who they are, their true self. Nowadays when 1 of my BFF told me she doesn't mind tolerating and putting up with her psychotic husband verbal abuse so that her family will still be intact and her kids still have a father, I told her I don't agree with her decision, but I will respect it. I told her as long as she is happy in this kind of arrangement, who am I to judge and advice  differently. She knows best what is good for her, her kids and family. I don't. In the past I will tell her to leave her psycho husband, which she did for many times but always accepted him back with open arms. Every single time she did that in the past, it made me slightly pissed off at her as I found her weak and needy. However, after my experience with Peter Wittendorp, I told myself to let people be who they are and don't interfere with their decision because I will never get a thank you for trying to help, but instead I might get a curse from them! Beside, I'm really tired of becoming their sounding board because they sound like a broken record.

So when I care less about other people, I gain more time for myself and fill my life with positive energy. After the highly dramatic and energy draining lovership/friendship with Peter Wittendorp, I surrender!! And finally, I stop caring who stays in my life and who leaves because I have no control over their choice and I DEFINITELY don't want to force them to stay. I'm not a beggar, I don't want to beg for people to be my friends, stay in my life or love me. If they want to leave by all means. And once they leave I will delete their contact and their existence in my life. If only I did that to Peter Wittendorp previously instead of giving him so many chances, I wouldn't had to experience a heartbreak, emotional roller coaster, being called a cunt/bitch and most important of all I wouldn't be wrongly accused! He thought he was smart and knew everything, but did he??

If he was smart and fair, he wouldn't jump to conclusion and threw accusation at me. There are always more than 1 story within a story. Sometimes when the memories flashed back, it still got to me because until today I still can't 100% accept the fact that his dark side could be so mean, harsh and cold. It was like he turned into a monster that had no conscience and feeling. So dark and scary. I'm not going to think about it because it might upset me.

Anyway, caring less is also a good thing as it helps to reduce my stress level. When I care less I can truly live my life at my own terms and conditions. Sure, I will lose some people who don't enjoy the new me, but is ok.

OK have to stop here as I can't keep my eyes open anymore....Sayonara and Goodnite everyone!