Affair

Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can't call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn't, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let's identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn't good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn't bother to remember as it doesn't concerns me.
Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don't know and I don't care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don't get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won't deny that I'm curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn't. I'm curious, but I never ask any V and I don't act weird around them when I see them together. I don't pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn't right, but 1 hand can't clap. Just like 1 person can't tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S's dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn't raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V's parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X'mas. S's wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don't judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don't know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.
Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I'm proud to say I'm not one of those people as my life is very open. I'm not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I'm wrong. I don't hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I'll admit and face the consequences. I'm not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn't values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy's friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn't wants him to divorce her and doesn't mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don't. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don't pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don't condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge. 

Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I'm super bored and even then I still don't spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn't see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don't think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don't add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was "You are a goat". I replied "huh". Then his next message was "Don't contact me again". The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don't plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm......nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I'm very focus on my career now and won't have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren't many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn't a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn't click as the connection weren't there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don't live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don't like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don't add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don't feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I'm super bored. Otherwise I couldn't be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I'm definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn't in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn't a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn't, keep trying. And for those who hasn't try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn't frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today's society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder.  Cheers.

Can We Talk??

Deep down, I'm still unwilling to let him go from my mind. I thought I had, but I haven't because I still want to talk to him 1 last time to clear the air over any misunderstandings we have. Because I still want to see his face again, at least for 1 last time. Because it still bothers me that he accused me baselessly. I retaliated as I want to get back at him for the way he treated me. Although I have forgiven myself for my foolishness and have managed to control my feelings and emotions, I still haven't stop thinking about him. He still lives in my mind even though I know he will never wants to talk and see me again in this lifetime.

I foolishly hope that we will have a chance to clear the air face to face and bid a proper goodbye. I'm still a tad sad that he thinks so devilishly about me. He told me in his own words that it all started before I came into the picture so how could he accused me for what happened to him??? I wasn't given a chance to defend myself against his accusation. He doesn't knows and understands the pain and sadness his accusation has caused me!!! Until today, I still can't forget his words and tone when he accused me. It was mean, cold and ugly!! It made me wanted to retaliate because (almost 2 years coming) I can still remember that day vividly!! I wanted to hurt him the way he hurts me. I wanted him to feel my pain, anguish and I wanted him to be shamed for his dastardly behaviour towards me. I wanted a revenge. I did!! That was the truth and I wouldn't hide the fact that I thought about it.

The truth is I didn't want a revenge. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. It is important for me to be able to tell the truth because my past was a part of my life journey. I don't want to hide my story with him especially when I was an innocent victim in his grandiose of lying scheme and the truth is I still want to know why he had to lie to me?? Why?? I still want to know why he could be so mean, cold and heartless to me and accused me for things I didn't do. It is really hard for me to just let go, forget and move on from the accusation because it doesn't only hurts me deeply but also changed some parts of the core me!! I haven't heard anyone in my entire life and I definitely didn't deserve the accusation thrown at me by him. I want to see him again and thrash things out because I want to ask him what do I gain from doing what he accused me of doing??? He knows clearly all I ever wanted from him was to be with him, so why would I be so stupid to do something so devilish to lose him from my life???? Why?? I really wanted to ask him that question and many others. I wanted answers and I still want it now.

A part of me will always want to seek the answers and the truth until the day I die. It is what I want and probably the main reason why I'm still unable to stop thinking about him and sometimes replaying our past. No one can fully understands how I feel unless you have been wrongly accused too by the one you used to love and trust without a doubt. I had admired, respected and trusted him for 10 years. He was my ideal man! I already liked him on 1st sight and never stopped even when we lost contact a few times in the 10 years period. You wouldn't be able to imagine my happiness when he 1st told me he loved me!! I never thought he would fell in love with me because I dare not hoped. But when he did, I was ecstatic and couldn't believed it. I really couldn't believed it, but it was the happiest day of my life. I really thought we had a chance to be together because of what he told me about his marriage via his emails, whatsapps and most importantly in person. I could felt his pain and sadness. That couldn't be faked (at least I didn't think it was possible back then), but boy I was wronged!!

I waited so long for him to love me so why would I do anything to destroy it. Yes, towards the end we agreed to be friend and put an end to our lovership, but that didn't mean I had stopped loving him. I just said what he wanted to hear so that he would feel better to continue our friendship. I would do everything to keep him in my life so why would I do something so devilish and stupid to push him out of my life 😢😢???

Past 18 months hadn't been easy for me. The road to recovery and healing didn't happen until after my birthday trip to Rhodes, Greece this August. I'm definitely in a much better place now than before my trip, but a small part of me still unable to let go. I tried. God knows how hard I tried, but I haven't succeeded yet. Sigh. I know I sounded like a broken record, but I really don't want to keep my feelings to myself. I want to share openly because pouring out my feelings allow me to understand my feelings, thinkings and myself better.

Is not easy to be so raw and vulnerable, but I have to if I ever want to heal properly. I don't know if I would ever forget him. Sometimes I think I might still love him, but I shut that love feeling off by thinking negatively about him. I know I shouldn't have any feeling left for him, but I do. The consolation is I'm able to control it and it doesn't affects me as much as it did previously. The feeling didn't linger long as I could quashed it pretty quickly. So wasn't too bad.

And yes, I still wonder how is he doing now? Do I pop into his mind occasionally? Good or bad doesn't matter because I can't stop how he thinks of me. He didn't give me a chance to explain why I said what I said and he didn't bother to find out the truth. He just assumed and accused which were what he usually did in the past even before the shit hit the fan!

I wish he read my blog because then there is a remote chance he might understands how his accusation has hurt me so deeply that it still haunts me until today. If I get to say 1 thing to him today, it will be "Can We Talk??"

p.s. Countless times I wanted to write a letter to him, but I didn't. Why? Because I don't want to torture myself wondering if he receives my letter and if yes, did he reads it or throws it away or how he will he reacts? Another reason is I know writing will not helps to clear the air. Only face to face meeting will allows us to be totally open and honest with each other. No hiding at all. So either we get to meet in person or I just have to learn to accept the fact that I will never have a chance to find out the truth and tell the truth. If that's how God wants it to be, then I will just accept it. If that's my destiny then I have to accept it. But I really hope 1 day we can get to sit down to talk and clear the air. I really do hope.

I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don't understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don't know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn't. I thought I understood him, but I didn't. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I'm still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I'm not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn't exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn't had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn't do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I'm slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn't help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I'm to take a wild guess, I will say I don't pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I'm not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don't hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don't at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn't a single day that I don't think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn't in my heart anymore. I just don't know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don't know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven't manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I'm sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

Unedited emails from 2014 - Peter Wittendorp's in his own words accused his wife cheated on him!!

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I'm still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don't feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn't realise until now as I don't check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don't feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I'm very sure I was the same for him too.

My admissions and confessions

When I didn't know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn't reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn't hate him.

What I did wasn't right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn't know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don't expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn't share details about him because it wasn't a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I'm definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.
I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn't do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won't revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I'm doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I'm definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn't want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn't giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I'm not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn't do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma's grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I'm happy now and that's most important 😀😀. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that's all I have to share.

Don’t Feel Stupid For Loving The Wrong Person

copied the whole article I came across on Thought Catalog as it described my feeling and thinking to a T. There were times I did everything described as below. It wasn't something I wanted to think and feel, but unfortunately sometimes my mind was still trying to find answers to all the whys that are still bothering me. Honestly, I'm still trying to learn to forgive myself for my stupidity for trusting a man who turned out to be untrustworthy (I'm not going to start ranting and writing about the man anymore).

Anyway, when I came across this article I just knew I have to share and post it on my blog to remind me that I shouldn't feel stupid at all. Is easier said than done, but I'm learning to stop beating myself up for my stupidity and blind trust in a man whom I loved much more than I ever admitted to him.

"You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
He only wanted you
when she didn’t want him.
And you thought he was different,
you thought he won’t lie to you,
you thought that he’d be so dumb
to lie to you out of everyone else.
Because you’ve always been the one
who talked to him about fairytales.
You’ve always been the one
who told him you can’t stand his games.
But he lied to you anyway,
because he could,
because that’s who he is.
He broke your heart and
didn’t lose sleep over it
because that’s who he is,
he’s selfish and self-absorbed.
He doesn’t understand fragile hearts.
He doesn’t understand you.
He doesn’t understand love.
But don’t feel stupid for loving him,
for it’s never stupid to love.
And it’s never dumb to believe.
It’s not wrong to fall,
what’s wrong is letting guys like him
spoil your idea of love.
Because really the only thing stupid here
is the fact that he let you go.
but you — you are brave and smart,
and your heart is magnanimous"

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, 

Am I feeling lonely??

1 year ago I wrote a post titled "Loneliness exists in all of us" and today I want to write a post answering my own above question?

I will be lying if I say I don't crave to have a suitable partner in my life to share my ups and downs, my happiness and sadness and my life journey with. But at the same time I also understand how it feels to be alone and yet not feel lonely vs with someone and yet feel lonely.

I think the later is the worst feeling one can ever feel because when we are with someone that person is supposed to make us feel less lonely and fill the hole in our heart and life, but yet when we aren't with the right person we don't get the connection and without the right connection and chemistry it is pointless and useless to be with that person. And to make thing worst sometime we are stuck with the person for whatever reason and we have to endure the feeling of loneliness.

I don't want to put myself through the above situation I just described because I had experienced it before (at least 3x) and it was the worst feeling ever. My brain started to play trick on me and made me emotional. I cried and longed for companionship. I asked myself what was wronged with me that I'm still single and shouldering all the problems in my life by myself. I hate feeling so weak, vulnerable and needy. But it didn't last long as I usually refund fairly quickly from my emotional meltdown.

Although I still feel lonely occasionally, but no emotional meltdown anymore. Reason being is because I understand the differences between singled and lonely vs being in a relationship and lonely. Once I understand how I feel in these 2 situations, instead of feeling lonely I feel appreciative that I'm single and having the freedom to do whatever I want in my life.

I don't filled all my time with activities to keep the loneliness at bay. Instead, I embraced the feeling and let it ride it out itself. Usually it didn't last long. Maybe because my super positive thinking and attitude helps me to overcome the feeling of loneliness. And also I heard too many unhappy marriage/relationship stories from friends hence I value my single life even more.

If I have to tolerate unhappiness so that I won't feel lonely, I will choose to feel lonely than being unhappy. I tasted both before and I choose loneliness is because if such a feeling hits me I can still call up my dad and friends to whine to them or share with them my happiness. But unhappiness, I can't share and it is harder to shake it off. At least for me.

So to sum up this post, yes I do feel lonely once a blue moon, but it wasn't enough to make me desperately looking and wanting a man. Once bitten, twice shy best describes my current feeling and view of relationship at this moment.

Just a gentle reminder.....is ok to feel lonely.  But is not ok to live in it permanently. Enjoy the life you are given by god with or without a partner in your life. Just go with the flow and see where your life journey takes you too. Always remember that having a partner doesn't guarantee that you won't feel lonely anymore. Always keep that in mind and you will know how to handle the next time the feeling of loneliness hits you again 😉!

Cheerio world!!

Stop chasing people......

I never thought my action of always reaching out to people I like/love was actually a form of chasing people. To me it was more like keeping in touch only. But then now I realised that I was chasing them, trying to get them to respond to me and stay in my life when sometimes I could feel that was the last thing they wanted to do. I became frustrated and unhappy when I did all the reaching out and not getting any back. It is a normal feeling to want the people I chase to reciprocate back, but if they aren't doing it willingly then their interaction with me will feel like a courtesy and an obligation which will further makes me feel yucky. It will also makes me feel insecure and clingy. Which happened to me in the past, but not anymore.

Nowadays, the only thing I chase is business deals. I don't chase relationship and friendship anymore. I have decided that if someone wants to be in my life or want me to be in his/her life, that person will tell me. If I see that they put in effort to keep a friendship or relationship alive, I will match their effort. If they don't, I don't too.

It wasn't easy in the beginning to learn to stop chasing people as I was so used to reaching out all the time, but I told myself I have to do it. I have to stop, be still and see who really wants to be in my life and want me in his/her life. Yes, I will be sad if I end up finding out that I have to cut some people loose, but is for the best in the long run for me. It is useless and pointless to maintain a friendship or relationship with people who don't give a shit about me. It is just a waste of my time and energy. I don't want to fight for a spot in someone's life if that person doesn't gives me the spot willingly.

There are 7 billion people in the world, hence there will always be someone out there who will want me in his/her life genuinely. I value every single person that is currently in my life, but I have also learned that if someone wants to leave I can't force the person to stay. Of course I will be sad to let them go, but I have to. I don't want to chase after people and force them to stay in my life. It is a test to see who are my true friends and who are not. Is scary because what if I ended up without a single friend 😊, but is a chance I'm willing to take. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be with me, the person will come to me and stay without me having to keep chasing and reminding the person of my existence.

I know all of us had chased someone in our life at some point in our time due to loneliness, desires and other reasons, but maybe you would want to stop doing that and do a small test to see who stays and who doesn't. I want to know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and valued. We all need friends and family in out life, but only if these people we need and care share the same feeling as us and reciprocate back to us. If not, walk away.

If you really need to chase something, chase your goals, your dreams, but don't chase people. I wished I had learned that earlier because then I wouldn't had experienced the heartbreak cause by Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, it isn't too late as I'm putting it in good use now with Xavier and a few other people. I don't mind having them in my life, but losing them will not affect my life at all. So leave or stay, doesn't really matters to me. I even told 1 of my best friend Nora that if 1 day she wants to end our friendship, I will respect her wish and I will walkaway and not look back anymore.

Now I'm going to be chilled and see who will start chasing me......😂!

Mood Swings

I'm experiencing a very bad mood swing now and all I want to do is to be by myself so that I can take care of my own thoughts and emotions. I can feel the darkness lurking on the surface now and I'm doing everything in my power to control it. I don't know what causes it as it started since yesterday evening. I did summer cleaning of my contact lists on my phone and deleted a fair bit of number for people that I don't keep in touch anymore. And this afternoon I deleted my chat history with Xavier as I feel that I can't trust him hence not sure if I still want to keep him as a friend. I'm deeply affected by my last experienced with Peter Wittendorp. Now I feel scare to open up myself to anyone, especially men as I worry I will be hurt. Even though they give me no reason to doubt them, I still do.

If their actions don't match their words, I will not hesitate to delete them from my life.
And I will only match their effort. I won't go out of my limbs to reach out to them like I used to do so. If someone wants to be in my life, they will put in effort and time to show me. The excuses of being not free and etc are just a more polite way to tell me I'm not interested to keep the friendship alive or in me. Which is fine with me as long as they tell me and not waste my time. If they choose not to tell me, then I will take matters into my own hand and do what I think is best for me. I don't care about other people feelings when they don't care about mine.

Lack of effort is equivalent to lack of interest so why should I keep putting in effort and time when the other party isn't doing so. I'm becoming very selfish nowadays after my last shitty experienced with Peter Wittendorp. He scars me and I don't know when I will be able to recover and not feel scare at opening my heart again. At this moment I really feel like releasing another set of correspondences between me and Peter, but I'm controlling my urge by thinking positive thoughts. A few of my cores component have changed because of what Peter Wittendorp's did to me.

When I thought I'm moving on, I would be hit by a bout of intense mood swings that were caused by the fear of being hurt again. The inability to trust without a doubt just makes me feel sad and unhappy. I know I shouldn't let 1 bad experienced with 1 person to affect me so much, but it did! I'm scare of getting attached and sharing my feelings openly. The moment I see their words and actions don't match up, I cut them loose even if it is just something small they didn't do as they said they would. I just don't want to subject myself to the same experienced again.

I wish I'm a bitch because then I will go all out to seek my revenge on the man who hurt me so badly and deeply. And left a permanent scar on my heart. I'm determine to regain back my old self, but it is definitely taking much longer than I thought. Anyway, what I can do now is just to stay away from people, especially Xavier when I'm in this state of bad mood swing. I'm not sure if I will still reach out to him after I feel better. I really don't know what I will do yet. All I care about now is getting myself into a zen state of mind so that I can keep the darkness at bay and not envelope me.

I'm going to do some yoga now to relax and clear my mind......

Xavier

I mentioned about Xavier in my previous posts, but not in details. I'm going to write about him in this post. I have been chatting with Xavier for a few months and met him about 5 weeks ago. He is a nice and good guy. Sometimes our chats were fun but sometimes it were boring. He had taught me a fair bit about airline practices and flying. He had shared a lot of funny tales about his work and people he works with. He had shown me some very amazing and stunning pictures he took from the cockpit. I was able to see the world through his photos.

I like him, but the connection isn't there yet. He doesn't knows much about me as he doesn't really asks me questions and I didn't feel like volunteering. Not sure why he doesn't asks and I didn't bother asking him why too. He did asked me if I want to go holiday with him and I didn't say yes or no. I'm still considering his suggestion, but I'm not leaning towards a yes as I really don't feel any chemistry with him. Hence I'm taking things slow. I don't want to mislead him into thinking I like him in a romantic way when I aren't. I want to spend a bit more time to get to know him and see if we can build the chemistry or not. I don't mind hanging out with him when he is in KL, but it won't be anything physical because he doesn't appeals to me physically (at least not yet).

His dad is diagnosed with cancer hence he has been busy taking his dad to hospital and spending time with his family so we aren't chatting that much for the last few weeks. I'm ok with it as I understand how stressful it is for him and his family. He loves his dad a lot. A filial son. Do I miss him during this time? Hmmmm...........maybe a bit as I was so used to him chatting with me almost daily, sending pics of himself and updating me what he was doing or going to do. But last few weeks it stopped after his dad condition isn't great. He did apologised for lack of communication and I'm actually cool with it.

Anyway, I'm not in a hurry to start a relationship as I prefer having him a friend at this moment. I think I will just keep the status quo for now and keep my options open. I never know what god has in store for me. Maybe I will meet my Mr Right in August when I go to Rhodes, Greece for my birthday retreat 😉. I'm hopeful and I believe that when the time is right I will meet the man for me. I just need to have faith.

So for now I will just enjoy my friendship with Xavier.

p.s. I spent 8 hours, starting from 4pm to mid nite and yet I didn't feel like kissing him. In fact, I was kinda irritated towards the end that he didn't want to leave even though he was super tired and tipsy. Plus he had to fly the next day. At the end of the night, I just called him a Uber and asked the bodyguard to escort him to the lobby and into the Uber car while I continued to party with my friends at Arena. I spent 8 hours with a man (happy hour, dinner and followed by more drinking at Arena) and yet I didn't want to kiss him at all just speaks volume about how attracted was he to me. I never had this problem with Peter Wittendorp. I didn't want my nights with Peter to end at all. I wanted him to be with me as long and as much as possible.

I realised that I couldn't open up to Xavier and share my thoughts and feelings with him like I did with Peter Wittendorp. I just feel that it will be tough for me to have a deep mental and emotional connection with Xavier. I tried my best to open up to him and share more about myself, but I just couldn't. He gives me the feeling that it will be hard for us to click and connect on the same wavelength as I did with Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, I have decided not to put so much effort into trying with Xavier. Is either you have chemistry or you don't. And I guess our chemistry will never be there. So will just leave it as it is and be friends. 

Peter Wittendorp Smses to me.....

These SMSes were referring to the conversation we had when Peter Wittendorp told me he had agreed to let 'her' check his phone and computer anytime she wanted to do so. I remember clearly as I was driving and when I heard what he told me I was very upset and angry and I cut off our conversation. Subsequently, he tried to call back several times, but I never answered as I was trying to control my tears and was super angry.

He also told me that he told her that he had to inform me of his decision too as he felt I needed to know. Honestly I was confused why I needed to know. I asked him did he want me to stop texting him, if so, just tell me there and then. I further ask him did he want our friendship to end? He said no. But I told him, she would eventually requests that he gave up our friendship as the next step. Might as well end it now (n that was when I put down the phone, he called back several times and subsequent messages as follows)

By the time I calmed down enough and called him back, it was around late afternoon as I was leaving office. He told me he just called to tell her (his wife) that his phone was his privacy and he wouldn't let her check and read the messages. At least that was what he told me over the phone. Of course, I was happy when I heard that but I was also confused why he was willing to do that for me.
Sometimes his actions confused me. Anyway, it was the past. I'm writing it down now because I'm experiencing a flashed back and only by writing it down I can expunge any feelings arising from this flashed back.

I swear that was the conversation we had. I will only write facts and the truth even if the truth hurts me. Only the truth will set me free. What people think of me after reading about my experienced with Peter Wittendorp I don't care. If I care, I wouldn't had posted so much. I didn't do it to revenge. I did it because I want to stop feeling victimised.

No one will understand how I felt for the past 1 year when I was struggling to regain my core self. Anyway, there will be more posts to come.

My past struggles......

I realised now that emotional struggle was the most detrimental to my health as it affected me mentally and physically. When nursing my broken heart and recovering from the hurt, the 1 question that got replayed like a broken record was, WHY ME?? I was constantly looking for answers to all the questions I had for him, but were never truthfully and honest explained to me. My trust system was utterly shattered into pieces, like a broken glass. I know for a fact that I will never be able to trust another man like I did before. I grew up in a broken family and it took me a long time to learn to trust people unguardedly, but because of a selfishness of a married man he destroyed my trust system to the core.

If that wasn't enough I had to deal with the baseless accusation and my mind just totally shutdown. My brain and heart couldn't accept the fact that the man I thought I knew well and understand 90% could turned out to be a monster. I was struggling to accept the fact that I didn't know him at all. Looking back now I just feel like I'm the biggest blinded fool!

Although I'm moving on and living a good life, a small part of me is still struggling to forgive myself for my foolishness and stupidity. For falling in love with a man who set out to play with my heart from the day he walked back into my life with no intention of divorcing the wife, but implied he would (both in writing and verbal, even though I never asked him to do so). It was a big fat lie to get me to believe and fall for him. If he had told me from day 1 that we would just be sexual lover or FWB, I wouldn't had fell in love with him. He was cruel and evil. I wasn't delusional or imaginary. I could felt his sadness and unhappiness oozing out from every pores of his body when he told me she cheated on him in person in HK. How would I had guessed it was all a big fat lie. Script writer, director, actor, producer.....all was HIM!

No one can imagine the struggles I had to experience and go thru after the aftermath! Not to mention that I was trolled online too. In the last message I read online (a few months ago when I was googling myself) I finally figured out the troll identity because the troll accused me of something I didn't do. The troll was the wife! I wouldn't had guessed she was the troll if she didn't post her comment pretending to be my friend, with my name spelled out clearly. What the troll didn't know was none of my friends know about the fact that I'm being trolled online. I didn't tell anyone as I don't want them to worry and I don't want to explain what happened. They just knew I had a 2 year of tumultuous relationship with him. Also, my friends will never use the name the troll use online. The troll also threw in a few malay words that I don't understand at all as my Malay is poor. I barely passed my Malay exam paper with a C6 credit during my Form 5 high school examination.

I was tempted to expose her identity there and then with her full name spell out clearly, but then I decided to let it go as I didn't find a need to engage in such a lowly behaviour with a troll. The words she used to accuse me wasn't a reflection of me, but herself. Only a lowly person could used those words and made baseless accusation. So why should I waste my time and energy to engage with such a lowly woman and a troll. I used to feel sorry for her as she was a victim too, but not anymore.
Anyway, I just want peace in my life. I don't want to start a war. The troll is set out to get me. I'm beginning to think that she might be the mastermind behind all the crazy posts posted online. But I have no proof as I don't have the money (even if I do, I won't) to hire IT forensics to investigate the matter. That was 1 of the triggering point that led me to decide to post all the SMSes that I still had with me to proof my side of the story. A picture paint a thousand words.

In the past, I was adamant to clear my name from his accusation because it was important to me to have his trust, but not anymore. He started this shit storm, he was the root of all these trolling and turmoil in my life, but yet he had the balls to point his dirty fingers at me. The wife is trolling me and yet he didn't do anything to stop her disgusting behaviour. To be honest, I found out about it a few months back and I was struggling internally to write about it or not as I just want to move on with my life. But then I decided to write it out to get rid of my feeling of injustice.

All of us have our own set of struggles to overcome. It is part of life. How we choose to overcome it is the most important factor. Admitting our struggles is the 1st step to overcoming it. I find it therapeutic to pour out my feelings in writing. It is my way of getting rid of those toxics from my system. I don't want to lie. Occasionally he still pops into my mind, but I shut it down quickly as I don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want to deal with my feelings and thoughts for him anymore. I just want the past to be the past. I no longer hope and wish that we could sit down one day and talk things over. Adele's song, "Hello" will never apply to me and him.

My biggest struggle is the fact that I might not love another man as deeply as I had loved him. The emotional and mental damages caused by him left me with permanent scars. No one knows the struggles I had to go through daily just to keep living and functioning. Some parts of the core me have been changed and he is the root caused of it.  If he had explained honestly and apologised sincerely I would had been able to move on and forget him quickly. Not knowing the truth on why he had to create such a big fat lie to cheat and his accusations just made me felt lost and confused.

My mind kept going back in circles trying to look for answers which I will never be able to find.
I struggled to put all that behind me, but occasionally my mind would still wander to try to find answers. The truth will set me free, but unfortunately it is something that I won't get at all. I had to learn to let go at my own terms and timing. I figure if he didn't care about my well being, I shouldn't too. After all, every person is selfish and I need to do what's best for me to move on and forget him. And knowing the fact that he hates me to his core allows me to think negatively of him and get rid of all the positive feelings I had for him. I wasn't lying when I said I loved him deeply, but I'm glad I wasn't anymore.

Anyway, I better end this post. Ciao.

Connection..........

is very important in any type of relationship, especially in a love relationship. It is hard to feel love for another person if you don't feel connected to that person mentally and emotionally. Physical attraction is just surface compare to mental and emotional connection. Without these 2, it is hard to form a meaningful relationship both professionally and personally.

I have been chatting regularly with Xavier, a captain for another middle east airline for the past 4 months (I never write anything about him before) and I met up with him for the 1st time about 2 weeks ago when he flew to KL due to work. We met up for drinks, followed by dinner and then we went to Arena for more drinks and beer pong. I wasn't really surprised by his look as he sent me so many selfie of himself in the last 4 months so I was prepared for his look. Haha. Well, he isn't bad looking. Average, tall with a tummy. He doesn't has a memorable face, but it is a pleasant face though. We had been talking over the phone for awhile so it was easy for us to keep the conversation alive, at least for 4-5 hours on my part. We talked about his work and other more general topics. We never touched on his past personal relationship or anything related to the relationship topic. He didn't ask me much questions about myself and it was the same for me too. In the past I would had asked a lot of questions especially if I like the guy. But in this instance with Xavier, I couldn't bother to ask at all. If he disclosed voluntarily, good. If not, is fine too.

He drank like a fish and his breath smell of coffee as he is a heavy coffee drinker so I could smell it on his breath when he leaned in a bit closer to me. I actually told him I could smell coffee on his breath and informed him in a more polite and gentle manner that I'm very sensitive to smell and coffee smelling breath isn't my favourite smell at all. Haha. He caught on my real meaning and said that I told him indirectly he had bad breath. Haha. I replied to him not bad breath, just breath that smell like coffee. To be honest it was a major turned off for me. I can't stand breath that is laced with smell. I tried to keep a safe distance from him so that I wouldn't be able to smell his breath when he talked to me.

Another reason I kept my distance was because I didn't want him to lean in to kiss me. I just didn't feel the sparks and attraction for him at all. My feeling for him is more like a friend rather than a man with the potential to start a relationship. I know he likes me a lot more than I like him, hence it was even more important for me to not led him on until I'm very clear that I would like to explore a relationship with him (still under observation). I just don't feel the connection with him although we share a few same interests. I have been keeping an open mind and open heart to try to connect with him mentally and emotionally, but so far without much success. Connection can't be forced that is for sure.

Is either you feel a connection or you don't. That is why it was so hard for me to let go of the last guy as we had a strong and deep connection, at least before all the drama happened between us. I have to admit that I'm curious to know if my connection with the last guy is permanently gone or there is still a residue! A curiosity that will never be answered at all!

Anyway, coming back to Xavier, I will just give it a bit more time to see if there is a chance I can feel a connection to him. I'm not planning to rush into a relationship especially now my career is starting to take off with some very good potential big deals i the horizon, dating isn't my priority. Closing big deals is my main and most important priority and goal at this present time!

I'm happy being single and enjoying my own time so I'm in no hurry to find a man to start a relationship. After the last bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp, I had enough of the pain, hurt and heartbreak to last me till my death. I'm much wiser now and more realistic in my relationship goals. So let's see what's in store for me with Xavier. Maybe nothing at all as I really need to feel the connection to him before I will consider dating him. Oh well.....time will tell. And now I need to sleep.

Goodnite world!

Photos of Peter Wittendorp

Finally I'm putting a face to his name after writing about our story for 1 year. Some people or maybe most people will think I'm revenging against him as I'm sharing with the whole world our messages exchanged and now his face! So am I? NO I'm not taking  revenge. If I want to revenge I would done it 1 year ago and not waited until now.

I'm doing this as a closure for myself. I have always write about all aspects of my life publicly and I had started writing about Peter Wittendorp as far back as 10 years ago when we first met. Back then it was a different blog address. I stopped for 2 years because he asked me not to share and write about us on my blog. At that time I listened to him because I didn't want to upset him and respect our relationship. And I believed him when he said that our memories should be just for the 2 of us to cherish. I never thought he was scared of being found out that we had an affair. Yes we had an affair for 2 years even though we weren't having sex regularly! We messaged daily and talked almost everyday too!

Anyway, long story short I have decided to do what I have always been doing for the past 10 years when I started blogging.....that is to write down my life story, both good and bad.  
He taught me a valuable lesson that changed certain aspects of me hence I needed to record it down to remind me not to repeat the same mistake again with a man. A small part of me is forever scared by his accusation and lying. He played with my heart and feelings. He doesn't deserves me protecting his image anymore. My trigger point was the accusation. I would admit if I had done it, but I didn't. And to accuse me of that I just can't accept it even until now.

All I ever want from him was a sincere apology and I would had been able to have closure and move on quickly. Anyway.....I don't want to start ranting about him again. I just want to move on and forget him using my own way. And I don't care about what he thinks and feels with my actions.

p.s. I had more photos of him if I didn't delete it after we had our big fights the past few times. He had a selfie of himself that he took in his office for me, his hunting trip in 2015 and a few more that I couldn't remember anymore.

Random cheeky and naughty SMSes with Peter

With my posting of all these past SMSes between me and him I just put the final nail to the coffin. With 1000% certainty Peter's chapter in my life is sealed and closed in this lifetime and maybe next lifetime too. He should thank me for turning into the devil he accused me to be. I just made his accusation a reality. Now he can feel good about himself.  Whatever!

I can explain why I'm doing this, but I'm not going to. I will only say is not revenge. What people want to think and say about my action, I really don't give a damn! 2017 is a year full of changes for me. I will be even more adamant to do things that I want to do and not what people want me to do or what society dictates. 

SMSes during the loving times with Peter Wittendorp

Some SMSes from 2 years ago when we were still great and loved each other. 31st March 2015 was our meet up in HK. We flew in separately, he from SG and me from KL and we met up in the airport as our arrival time was about 20mins apart from each other.

We stayed in Pottinger Hotel in Central. I'm not going to write a long post (maybe I will separately in another post). Instead I will let the SMSes tell our story, from the good and loving times to the fallout and accusation. If I didn't listen to him and delete most of the SMSes, Whatsapp and emails, there would be more to post. If not there would be thousands of it.

Finally I feel great for being able to come out and share the truth and back up what I had wrote about him in the pasts. This is how I closed the chapter of him in my life. I know is not how people would close the chapter, but everyone is different.

P.S. Chat sequence is random as I screenshots it at different timing.