My feeling in Rhodes & my b'day celebration on 12th August

I'm very happy that I selected Kokkini Porta Rossa as my hotel because I feel very at home here. I feel peaceful and blissful. I could sit in the windy and cool courtyard for hours and without feeling bored. I just idle my day away without doing anything. All I want to do is just enjoy the tranquility and coolness of the place. It allowed me to regain my balance in life and get rid of any negative feelings that I might still harbour in me. This trip has been great so far as I'm finally able to understand how to appreciate being surrounded by new people and not feel lonely. Nikon and Angela have become fast friends and I think I will continue to stay in touch with them as I don't only enjoy their company but also like them personally. They have interesting tales to tell and from them and their experiences I have gained other insights into life.

I don't feel the need to fill my life with acitivities or people anymore. Although I had my birthday dinner by myself, I didn't feel alone or lonely. I actually felt good and actually enjoyed a quiet delicious dinner at Marco Polo. But of course, Angela wouldn't allowed that hence she told the owner of the restaurant it was my birthday and they sang me happy birthday song and gave me complimentary dessert.



For the 1st time among all my birthday trips, I never wish to celebrate my birthday with someone special. I used to wish I have a man in my life to celebrate my birthday with me, but this year such a thought vanished. I felt really happy and contented spending time by myself. I felt complete and fulfilled which I never thought it was possible 😀. I know that mentally I have reached a new breakthrough as well as emotionally.

I learned my own actual self-worth and how to be contented with life little pleasures such as idling my time away doing nothing, but sitting in the lovely , breezy and peaceful courtyard for a few hours and don't feel bored or tired or the pressure to go out for site visits. Btw, the tree is 200 years old 😀! The owners built around it. I never get bored looking at it. Made me feel calmed and relaxed.



And I'm so so so happ that finally, my heart is healed and I have forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made in the past. My urged to write to him one last time via letter had gone and although he does popped into mind occasionally it passed by quickly too. It was a flitting thought about him and I'm fine with it. After all, he had contributed in partly shaping me into who I have become today - a better version of my old self as I learned and understand myself deeper discovered new facets about my feelings and emotions.

It was a great decision to spend my birthday in Rhodes. I have finally set myself free from my own misgivings 😊😉. I'm happy, contented and pleased with myself and everything I have achieved thus far in life from the bottom of my heart! 

Blogging is therapeutic for me

People blog for various reasons. I treat blogging as journaling. I know it is crazy to share my life so openly as I'm putting myself out there to be judged, ridiculed and maybe even crucified but I still want to do it because this is what I want to do. I'm doing it for me and no one else so other people judgments and views don't matter to me. Blogging allows me to express and write down my thoughts and feelings anytime I want. It also allows me to record down events that are important to me so that I can read back in the future when my memory has failed me. I blog because it is also therapeutic for me. I can't always turn to my friends when I'm unhappy and want to vent as they have a life to live too. So blogging is definitely a good platform for me to release my emotions and not hold back because if I hold back I will drive myself up the wall.

Blogging had helped me to heal from my bad experienced and broken heart. I didn't share my life stories with strangers to get attention to myself. I'm sharing my life stories because it helps me to see a different angle of my life. Beside, I also hope that some of the things I had experienced in life are also relatable to people who read my posts. It can be really lonely when we are in a dark mood and we don't feel like talking to people. When I was in those moody and dark period, I always searched the web for stories of people who went through the same experienced and read how they overcame it. It gave me strengths and inspirations. With that in mind, I'm willing to journal down my life experiences. I didn't want to write only happy moments because life is made up of a concoction of different moods and moments. I want to share my ups and downs, my happiness and sadness and all the beautiful and ugliness of my life.

My life isn't perfect, but it is still a life I'm proud to live. I'm not ashamed of my life because I choose the way I want to live, not the way how society dictates how I should live!! I will never be a fake person!! I will never stop blogging.

My admissions and confessions

When I didn't know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn't reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn't hate him.

What I did wasn't right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn't know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don't expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn't share details about him because it wasn't a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I'm definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.
I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn't do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won't revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I'm doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I'm definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn't want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn't giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I'm not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn't do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma's grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I'm happy now and that's most important 😀😀. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that's all I have to share.

My Brother's Birthday Party

Last night my brother had his belated birthday party @ Arena Bar, TTDI. It was a good and fund night because an unexpected guest showed up - a HK TVB actor, Hung Tin Ming. I was planning to stay for 2 hours only, but ended up staying till about 2.30am. I played a few rounds of beer pong with Tin Ming. He looks much better in person than on TV 😀. And he is really friendly and nice. We sat in the VIP room so it was kinda private. But he wasn't afraid to socialise or be seen as he went out to play slap cups with my brother and friends.

I challenged him to play beer pong and he agreed. I won the 1st round and he challenged me to a 2nd round. Haha. 2nd round he won. So it was even. After that we played double and it was an even games. We won and we lost too. Instead of beer pong we played with champagne so even more potent.

My brother opened 50 bottles of champagne and we finished it all. Crazy. Haha. Luckily I work for myself or else I won't be able to wake up today to get to work. OH well, I definitely had a fun time. Photos as proof. 😁

Peter Wittendorp chapter officially closed

I finally figured out why it took me so long to forgive myself and got over him (Peter Wittendorp). It was because I was clinging on a minuscule hope that one day we will have a chance to sit down and talk openly what had happened between us. I was too stubborn to let go because I wasn't ready to let go. I was hoping for something that will never happen, but I didn't want to accept the fact even though deep down in my heart I knew I was hoping for the impossible 😉. I was just plained stubborn period. Haha.

And the moment I decided not to pursue the truth of why he lied to me, I also learned to forgive myself for believing in him beyond a reasonable doubt. The moment I stopped feeling stupid about my blind trust in him, I accepted the fact that we will never cross path again!

I didn't want to forget him, but at the same time I wasn't able to forgive him for what he did to me and how he treated me hence it caused a lot of internal frictions for myself. I only managed to clear my head when I was in Rhodes. I accepted the fact that he will never think of me anymore and he will never be in my life again. Yes even after how he treated me and did to me, I was still hoping (minuscule) that he was still in my life. I know, I know.....I shouldn't had such hope, but I did. But not anymore for 1 month. So is a good sign.

I was also in conflict earlier because I felt there was a need to make him believe that I'm innocent. In fact, I wanted desperately to convince him I'm innocent. But now I realised that it is pointless to do so because what he thinks/believes is irrelevant to me. What is important is I know I'm innocent. Trying to convince someone who is adamant that I'm the culprit is actually a waste of time. I rather spend my time and energy on something else that can enrich my life and enhance my experience.

Anyway, bottomline is I'm in a good place now. Occasionally his name stills popped into my mind and I'll also wonder about him, but it passed by quickly. So everything is good. Life is not as great as I want it to be as I have a lot of financial burden, but I will make it better soon. I just need to work hard and never give up 😀!

Happy Weekend!