Deja Vu

Chris is on radio silence again!! This is at least the 5th time (lost count to be honest) and the 1st time he didn't tell me he won't be in touch. But then I'm not surprised with his radio silence as he has been a bit off the chart after Halloween. I tried to ask him what was bothering him or if he needed space, but to no avail. And honestly, I'm tired of asking. I really don't want to spend my time asking if everything is cool or not. Beside, we live too far apart to even have a shot to make this lovership works. Hence I'm not going to pour too much of my energy and time into this lovership, especially not after my horrendous experienced with Peter. One experienced is enough to last me a lifetime. I have to learn the lesson the hard way and seeing that I had recovered, I won't be so stupid to jump into another lovership with a guy who sometimes reminded me of Peter.

Yes, Chris did cheered me up and so did Peter when things were great between us, but after things to sour, Peter also turned into an asshole! So now my mind and heart are guarded and I don't trust easily. Plus I'm big fan of the saying actions speaks louder than words. Don't get hung up on all the sweet words a man utters, but rather watch if his actions match his words or not.

Oh well, it is actually kinda good to be able to see and experience another side of Chris at this early stage. At least I can decide the next step. I have been thinking of cutting Chris out of my life permanently as it is a huge turn off with his stonewalling behaviour. I came close to deleting and blocking him a few times today, but I told myself don't be rash but rather don't allow his behaviour affect me. After all, we are just LDR lover and nothing more. I don't need to take things too seriously and I can always treat him as just a casual friend. And I always have the same choice as him so if I really want to treat him with radio silence I can and have every right to do so. Haha.

My EQ is definitely much much higher now compare to before. Heart break does changed a person. Not only I can feel the changes in me, but also see and experience it on a daily basis. Cutting people off, especially men isn't hard anymore. And I won't allow anyone to take advantage of my kindness anymore. Being too nice to men means being cruel to myself! So I refuse to be nice unless I get the same treatment.

Honestly, if I find out Peter is dead, I don't think I will shed a tear for him at all. He isn't worth another drop of my precious tear. His presence and demise from this world is of no impact to me anymore. I wish in my lifetime I will never see his face again even if it is just coincidental. I don't hate him because hating him means he still have a place in my heart. I just don't want to see a cheater and liar face at all. I will let his legal half deal with his cheating and put up with his bullshit and lies. I don't pity her because the image Peter painted of her wasn't good. According to Peter, she was a cheater hence it was the main reason he decided to cheat and even contemplating divorce.

Anyway, whatever is the truth doesn't matters to me anymore. I'm just writing what I was told by Peter, in his own words. Knowing him, of course he will deny he ever said that to me and I really don't care he admit or deny. All I care is I'm writing what I was told and my conscious is cleared. So both Peter and his other half are cheaters and liars. They deserve each other!

Sorry I sidetrack a bit.....haha. Coming back to Chris, I will just let him be and goes with the flow. If 1 day I really don't want to put up with his lacks of reply, I will just delete or block him.

Chris does gives me a Deja Vu feeling, which I dislike tremendously, but for the time being I'm still able to handle my feelings. So keeping Chris in my life a little bit longer!