Friend Zone with Chris

Yesterday afternoon I dropped Chris a message to tell him that I just want us to be friend and nothing more. I also told him I don't enjoy flirting with him anymore hence this part is out of the picture. I gave him the choice to choose if he still wants to be friend with me or not. And I just heard back from him and he said yes.

He thought I didn't want to flirt with him was because he couldn't keep up the flirting/lovership. I told him nothing to do with him. It is me. What I want now is to focus on my business and myself. I'm not in the mood to play the lovership game especially when I don't feel an attraction toward Chris anymore. I get more adrenalin rush chasing my dream and business goals. 

Relationship and men are taking a very back seat at this moment. I need to focus all my energy, time, effort and attention to achieve another success story in the real estate industry. This is my final round returning to the corporate world and the real estate industry so I don't want to be distracted by someone like Chris whom I'm only interested to have as a friend. 

He said he is ok with he friend zone. I asked him does he thinks I care if he is ok with the friend zone or not??? Haha.....

Anyway, I know clearly what I want from a man now. If the man falls short, I will reevaluate and reconsider. I won't and don't put up with crap and I will not bite my tongue and hide my feelings. I will speak my mind and be direct. Chris said he prefers and likes my directness. Again, I don't care he likes/prefers or not. This is who I'm. 

Oh well.....glad that Chris is in the friend zone now. 

Negative feelings for Chris

My feeling for Chris has turned negative lately. Why? Because his actions such as MIA and taking long time to reply my WhatsApp reminded me too much of Peter Wittendorp. The similarities are just too hard for me to miss and ignore especially when it brought back the same negative feelings and vibes I felt when I was with Peter. I pulled myself out of the rut and still recovering, I really don't want to go through it again. Is not worth it! I don't even love Chris and we are just FWB. I really don't want to put myself through it again so I took a drastic move,  delete Chris number from my handphone. 

This way I feel like I'm cutting off my connection to him. I actually feel good doing so because I don't feel obligated to reply to him. I actually don't miss him as I used to. I don't enjoy the negative feeling I'm feeling because of his shitty behaviours and I don't want to explain to him or ask him to change. He is being himself and beside he is nobody to me except FWB. So cutting tie to him and walking away is an easy task. Cleaner.

I did considered telling him how his shitty behaviours made me feel, but at the end I decided not to because he isn't important to me. So don't bother to waste my breath. I don't know if he will still reach out to me, my guess is he will in a couple of days as he always does after a long stretch of silence from my end or his end. Anyway, whether he reaches out or not, my interests in him is nil now. I have decided I will delete his message without reading it because it will be the same old same old. Apology for MIA on me, long silent and admission he is an ass. I heard it too many times until I couldn't feel touched by his apology anymore. I have enough and I don't want it anymore.

Anyway, is actually nice to cut off people who don't value my friendship. I will only give my time to people who deserve it. I have learned my lesson and I won't hesitate to severe friendship or cut ties when they don't add to my happiness quotient. For the past 2-3 months Chris failed to add to my happy quotient so it isn't a loss to let him go. Sayonara. 

Feeling Disconnected from Chris

I'm not feeling the connection to him anymore. And I really don't know what we have between us that he likes. To me there is nothing between us. How can there be anything between us when he doesn't check up on me daily or take a keen interest in my life. Seriously, I'm tired of getting his apology every few days with the same excuses. Is like groundhog week! But I will give him credit where is due.....he always apologise when he went silent too long. Not sure is that good or bad, but at least he admitted he is being an ass.

If I was still the old me before my painful experienced with Peter Wittendorp, I would have been happy to read all his sweet words and apology. But nowadays I don't fall for sweet words anymore. I watch their actions. If the actions don't match the words then those words are just BS and not worth to be taken seriously at all. I have learned and accepted the fact that people give time to whoever they want. Busy is just the lamest excuse and BS to use when we don't want to reply to someone. We give time to who we want to give time too. To tell me that he likes what we are having (which I don't know what is it), but can't even allocate 5-10mins of his time to chat with me daily then how can he said he likes what we have!! There is nothing to like at all. At least for me there is nothing to like!

I'm not unhappy or upset. I'm just letting it be and let him do whatever he wants. I really don't like to force interactions anymore especially if it isn't given freely from the other party. I enjoyed chatting with him, but that doesn't mean I will put up with his sporadic appearances. The pattern is so obvious and it really reminded me of Peter Wittendorp pattern too. I had enough of Peter Wittendorp, I don't want history to repeat itself again with Chris. If Chris doesn't puts in effort and time, don't expect me to do the same. And apology doesn't makes things right when the same shit happened on a regular basis (MIA).

Anyway, if Chris wants to ghost I won't stop him or reach out to ask him not to. I let him do whatever he wants to do and I do whatever I want. Like I told him in my above WhatsApp chat, I stay away because I don't like the long silent and the sporadic chats. So instead of asking him to change his pattern, I chose to stay away as it is easier for me to control my own actions than his. Once I have learned to accept people for who they are and how they behave with each person, I realised the best way to deal with a situation is to decide what I should do and don't instead of asking the other person to do what I want them to do. Anything that is force or demand out from the other person isn't something I want to receive. It makes me feel like I'm desperate and begging, which I'm neither. I had enough of such feeling when I was with Peter Wittendorp to last me forever. I won't subject myself to such feelings anymore with anyone no matter how much I like the person be it a man or woman.

I respect people who are blunt and upfront with me rather than those that keep giving me excuses for their shitty actions and apologised for it later just so they can restart it again! So what am I going to do with Chris? Nothing. I give up on him already. I'm feeling disconnected from him at this moment and it doesn't matters to me if he stays in touch or not. I don't feel his presence in the past few weeks, which makes it so much easier for me to decide to stay away from him.

Until now I still haven't received any of his reply to my last message (above). Is his pattern and that is why I don't feel like replying him as I did expect a courtesy reply. Oh well, I couldn't be bothered by the lack of it. I have tons of things to do.

Subject close for now!

Compliments from Chris

Captain Cool @ Chris told me he finds me sexy and attractive in more than 1 way......out of the blue on a Thursday afternoon when I didn't expect a text from him. It definitely made my day. I asked him what about me he finds sexy and attractive. He said the fact that I'm self made in the business world and I embrace and celebrate my sexuality 😁😍! Is nice to know that he isn't only attracted to me physically and sexually but also mentally. He was the 1st one to tell me that me being successful is sexy. Haha. Never crossed my mind that being successful can also be deemed sexy! Anyway is always nice to receive unsolicited compliments. But I don't take it seriously. I mean I just treated it as a compliment and nothing more.

Chris also told me that he feels comfortable with me which he had told me many times. I felt the same too. Again not reading anything more into what he said to me. Frankly, I don't trust men anymore except my male friends that I have known for a super long time and they have consistently shown me that their actions matched their words. Otherwise, whatever come out of a man's mouth is just a bunch of sweet talking bullshit! Once burnt, twice shy! (my unforgettable experienced with Peter Wittendorp)

Even though Chris hasn't done anything for me not to trust him, but doesn't mean I should trust his words blindly. Words are meaningless without actions to back it up. If it is meaningless why should I take it so seriously. Right?

Anyway, I think Chris is an ok guy to have as a friend.

Chris Friendship

Haven't been writing for almost 3 weeks now. Life is alright, nothing exciting happens yet. Chris is still around and we are still chatting, but I don't feel the sparks that I had when we first started chatting. There were times when I felt disconnected from him or didn't find him appealing at all. When that happened, I took a break and didn't reply his messages or took longer to reply. And to be honest I felt kinda good not chatting with him daily. Haha. I was actually feeling bored with him and I wanted to take a breather. I took the time off to sort out my feelings for him and I came to the conclusion that I only like him as a friend. Which is a good thing. I like and enjoy his friendship. Is carefree and relaxing. I don't feel cheese off if he doesn't reply my texts or call me. Beside, I don't feel the initial sparks for him anymore. Deep down in my heart I know clearly he will only be a friend (with benefits occasionally 😈🙈).

So all is good with Chris. Chatting with him is still fun (when I'm not feeling bored with him 😝) and interesting. And I'm definitely keeping my options open for now. I will hangout with men that intrigue and interest me so that I will know better what I want in a man and the type of relationship I want. At present, I'm not ready for anything serious. I just want to enjoy a carefree single life with zero dramas and no crazy and baseless accusations thrown at me. 

Hence thats's why I prefer to have Chris as a friend rather than a lover. No emotional attachment (I don't get attach to my friends), no expectations and no disappointments for sure. He told me he likes our connection and so do I 😄! I asked him what he likes about me? Is it my silliness? Haha. He told me he likes my spirit....my don't -give-a-fuck is a very attractive character 😛! Again, is my free spirited nature that he finds attractive. Is nice to know that I'm consistently being myself and living the life I want and desire at my own terms and conditions. Not giving a fuck is sexy and attractive! LOL!

Anyway, I will just enjoy my friendship with Chris.

Chris & I - Connection

Chris nailed how I feel about him and our connection..."The best bit is we are both comfortable with each other. It's like we've been intimate for a long time but everything is new and fresh. The best of both worlds". And I couldn't agree more with him.

Our meeting and connection were unexpected and it seemed like it just dropped from the sky! Haha. In the beginning I felt the need to find out everything about him and I was slightly unhappy when he didn't tell me what I wanted to know, but now I don't feel the need to know everything now. I feel that 1 day he will open up and share with me more about himself willingly. And beside, knowing him better won't change how I feel about him. I definitely think we can be good friends and even long-term part-time lover, but we won't be long term partners. I have a feeling I will be bored with him eventually. We are lacking the sparks ✨⚡️! 

But as a part-time lover, he is a good candidate. And I feel very comfortable around him, as if like I have known him for a very long time. Long lost friends and souls! Hahahaha! Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on our connection too much. Instead I will just enjoy it to the fullest and goes with the flow. Nowadays, I don't feel disappointed if I don't hear from him. I used to, especially in the beginning but not in the past 2 weeks. Maybe also because I have gotten use to his patterns. He doesn't disappear more than 1 week and he usually surface after 2-4 days and touch base again. He will check in intermittently and he always apologised for the radio silent. I'm cool with it. A healthy lovership doesn't needs daily chats. Space is good and beside he is just a part-time lover. I don't need him to check in daily.

As long as he doesn't ghost from this lovership without notice, I'm cool with our current communication style and part-time lovership. Beside I rather invest my time and energy into my business and career than on a part-time lover. I won't be a fool again. 2017 is a year of making a difference and living a life that is filled with interesting stories for me to write about 😂!  A happy and exciting life fill with adventures and new challenges. Hehe!

I miss Chris

I miss Chris but I can't pinpoint exactly why I miss him. Haha. Definitely not the I love him type of miss him. Probably more like I miss a good friend kinda missing. I used to find him fascinating and interesting, but not anymore. I don't find him mysterious anymore and it doesn't pique my interests to find out more about him. I'm sure there are still a lot more about him that I have yet to know, but I don't feel like digging further to find out. If he wants to tell me without me trying to dig it out from him, I will be happy to hear what he has to share and in the process getting to know him better. But if he prefers not to share, I won't ask unless I think it is something important that I think I should know. Otherwise I will not ask.

He isn't that difficult to understand or figure out. I'm very certain he has a few skeletons in the closet that no one knows about just like everyone of us. Do I have any skeleton hiding and lurking around in the closet and waiting to be exposed 😝? Haha.......I'm not telling.

Chris to me is like an old friend more than a lover. I don't need to know every single details about an old friend because not everything concerns me, nor do I want to be concerned by it! The ways I treat a friend and a lover are different 😜! Yes, in the beginning I wanted Chris to be my lover, but after seeing him and spending time with him I changed my mind. I didn't feel a longing for him like I used to feel for Peter Wittendorp. I enjoyed Chris's company, but I don't feel much chemistry. There were sparks, but more like friendship sparks than romantic sparks. Haha. 

Do I wish to have romantic sparks with Chris? Hmmmm........I don't think so. He doesn't arouse me physically as much as Peter. Mentally Chris is compatible and he also has a wicked sense of humour that just made me laughed so hard 😂😂! And he loved to give me hugs, which I enjoyed tremendously. I loved the feeling of his arms circling my small waist and hugging me tight against his body. He has a very warm body hence he transferred his body heat to me. And that was why it felt so good to snuggle up to him. The downside was he snored. I don't remember if Peter snored, but I do remember that his body twitched when he was asleep as I felt it sleeping next to Peter. I told him the next day and he said he didn't realise at all. 

Am I jumping to conclusion too soon about my feeling for Chris? Hmmmm.........I don't think so, but I will leave a small window of possibility to change my mind in case I'm wrong about my feeling for Chris in the future 😜! But as of now, I don't feel attracted to him romantically although I miss chatting with him. Or maybe the real person I miss isn't Chris, but I didn't want to admit it hence I focus all my attention on Chris and making myself miss him instead. 

Anyway, Chris have been extremely busy since he flew back to Dubai. Between work, family and friends, he doesn't has as much time as before to chat with me. Maybe that also added to the reasons why I miss him. Couple with the fact that I have too much free time on my hand to think stupidly. Hahaha. 

Oh well....I'm sure the missing him mood will be gone soon. Nowadays I'm becoming very good in blocking off unwanted negative thoughts and feelings so that I will stay positive at all times. So far my success rate is around 90%, which isn't bad at all. Haha.

Ok, enough confession about me missing Chris. Till the next post....Ciao

Chris Visited Me on 12.12.16

Chris went back to Penang to visit his parents last week and yesterday he spent 1 night in KL to catch up and see me 😃! I got back from Bali yesterday afternoon and he reached KL about 1.5 hours later. I went to KL Sentral to pick him up and we went to BSC for Japanese dinner. After dinner, we head back to my home to chill over red wine. I wasn't sure he would be able to extend his stay in KL for 1 night so I was happy when he told me he could. I was looking forward to see him and a tad nervous too 😝! I wasn't sure if the connection we shared over our chats would be the same in person too. But I told myself not to overthink and just enjoy his presence and company. Treat him like an old friend cum lover without any expectations 😀! And it worked. We had a nice dinner and talked about everything without losing a beat or feeling awkward.

After dinner, we headed back to my home to chill and relax. Opened a bottle of Rioja red wine to drink. Physique wise he wasn't what I expected, but it was acceptable. I feel very comfortable around him, like an old friend. I put him up in my guest room. After he showered, he came out to join me in the lanai area for wine.

That was when he puled me in for a long kiss. Interesting style of kissing. Not so much french kissing and he liked to kiss my bottom lip. Haha. I don't know how to describe but it is definitely interesting. We kissed for quite awhile. Well I won't go into full details of what he did 😝!

Overall, it was 7 out of 10 experienced with Chris. I enjoyed chatting with him in person. I told him he is welcome to stay in my guest room anytime he is in KL. Maybe I might see him again next weekend when he has to fly to KL for work. Will see. If not, I'm fine as well.

Anyway, I thing for sure I don't have any romantic feeling for him anymore. It is more like FWB kinda feeling now. Which is good and what I like. I don't plan to start any serious relationship for the next 1-2 years as I want to focus on my career. So Chris as FWB is good 😃! Haha.

But most important was I learned a lot more about Chris> Only child, parents in the 80s', a few investments here and there and he isn't a show off guy. Definitely not metrosexual since he has uneven teeth. Haha. We talked about a lot of things. He shared with me the perils of living in Dubai ( hidden risks). We talked about property investments, our view about life and etc. Oh he also met my brother and had a few glasses of wines with him We talked about holiday destinations and stuffs.

I never allowed a guy's friend to stay overnight in my home and Chris was the 1st. I just felt very comfortable with him, like old friend. He also made himself very at home 😆!

He will looks better without the slight tummy. Hahaha. He blamed it on all the food he ate while in Penang for 1 week. I like lying my head on his belly as it was cushy and nice. He actually enjoyed it too. Oh ya, his cuddling was very comfortable. Not feeling any discomfort. But because both of us coughed, he actually slept in the guest room so that we both could get some proper sleep. Which to be honest, I was glad because he snored.

I need quietness to be able to sleep well. And I'm not use to sharing the half of my bed when I'm so use to having the whole bed to myself. Hehe. He was really nice to cuddle me to sleep before he went to the guest room to sleep. Kinda sweet 😜!

That are all for now. Till the next update.....

Deja Vu

Chris is on radio silence again!! This is at least the 5th time (lost count to be honest) and the 1st time he didn't tell me he won't be in touch. But then I'm not surprised with his radio silence as he has been a bit off the chart after Halloween. I tried to ask him what was bothering him or if he needed space, but to no avail. And honestly, I'm tired of asking. I really don't want to spend my time asking if everything is cool or not. Beside, we live too far apart to even have a shot to make this lovership works. Hence I'm not going to pour too much of my energy and time into this lovership, especially not after my horrendous experienced with Peter. One experienced is enough to last me a lifetime. I have to learn the lesson the hard way and seeing that I had recovered, I won't be so stupid to jump into another lovership with a guy who sometimes reminded me of Peter.

Yes, Chris did cheered me up and so did Peter when things were great between us, but after things to sour, Peter also turned into an asshole! So now my mind and heart are guarded and I don't trust easily. Plus I'm big fan of the saying actions speaks louder than words. Don't get hung up on all the sweet words a man utters, but rather watch if his actions match his words or not.

Oh well, it is actually kinda good to be able to see and experience another side of Chris at this early stage. At least I can decide the next step. I have been thinking of cutting Chris out of my life permanently as it is a huge turn off with his stonewalling behaviour. I came close to deleting and blocking him a few times today, but I told myself don't be rash but rather don't allow his behaviour affect me. After all, we are just LDR lover and nothing more. I don't need to take things too seriously and I can always treat him as just a casual friend. And I always have the same choice as him so if I really want to treat him with radio silence I can and have every right to do so. Haha.

My EQ is definitely much much higher now compare to before. Heart break does changed a person. Not only I can feel the changes in me, but also see and experience it on a daily basis. Cutting people off, especially men isn't hard anymore. And I won't allow anyone to take advantage of my kindness anymore. Being too nice to men means being cruel to myself! So I refuse to be nice unless I get the same treatment.

Honestly, if I find out Peter is dead, I don't think I will shed a tear for him at all. He isn't worth another drop of my precious tear. His presence and demise from this world is of no impact to me anymore. I wish in my lifetime I will never see his face again even if it is just coincidental. I don't hate him because hating him means he still have a place in my heart. I just don't want to see a cheater and liar face at all. I will let his legal half deal with his cheating and put up with his bullshit and lies. I don't pity her because the image Peter painted of her wasn't good. According to Peter, she was a cheater hence it was the main reason he decided to cheat and even contemplating divorce.

Anyway, whatever is the truth doesn't matters to me anymore. I'm just writing what I was told by Peter, in his own words. Knowing him, of course he will deny he ever said that to me and I really don't care he admit or deny. All I care is I'm writing what I was told and my conscious is cleared. So both Peter and his other half are cheaters and liars. They deserve each other!

Sorry I sidetrack a bit.....haha. Coming back to Chris, I will just let him be and goes with the flow. If 1 day I really don't want to put up with his lacks of reply, I will just delete or block him.

Chris does gives me a Deja Vu feeling, which I dislike tremendously, but for the time being I'm still able to handle my feelings. So keeping Chris in my life a little bit longer!

Daily Chat with Chris

".........there's also all the other facets that I find equally amazing too. It's like Christmas and you get a present within a present within a present 😊". Chris words to me this evening. I felt happy that he managed to see and find so many facets of me amazing, but at the same time I felt it might just be sweet words to make me happy and not sincere. I know, I know.....I have a serious trust issue. I know I'm an amazing woman and I know he didn't just said it to make me feel good and happy, but yet I couldn't help doubting his words. 

My last experienced with Peter seriously changed my views on men and turned me into a less trusting person. Now words are just words without any concrete actions to back it up. I believe in consistent actions and not words anymore unless it is uttered by someone I know very well and has consistently shown me he/she is reliable and honest. Even if Chris meant it from the bottom of his heart, I still have trouble trusting him. I trusted Peter without a doubt and looked what happened to me in the end. I learnt my lesson and I'm not going to repeat the same mistake. I want to trust Chris, but it is still a long way to go before I can fully trust him. I just want to protect myself from being hurt again.

So for now I will just enjoy all the sweet words and compliments Chris said to me when I read or hear it. It will not stay in my mind even though I know I'm amazing 😂😝🙈!! He also told me he will be busy this evening hence he won't be able to reply my messages until much later in the night. I was surprised when I read that because it was totally unexpected especially when I told him to take the space he needs to do whatever he needs to do and come back to me when he is free and in the same mind frame as me. Never once did I complaint about him taking too long to reply. In the beginning I did said jokingly he always went rogue on me, but for the past 2 weeks I didn't said it anymore as I have decided to let him be and just goes with the flow.

Men are funny creature. When you didn't expect them to update you, they would. When you want them to update you, they won't 🙈! Anyway, it did made me happy when I read that because he didn't need to. So I thanked him for informing me. I appreciated the thought from him. We have been chatting almost daily for about 5 weeks now. I'm wondering if we can still continue our daily chat without getting bored with each other or running out of topics to talk about. Oh well, I'm not going to let my mind wander into the future and the unknown because then it will create unnecessary stress. 

I don't need unnecessary stress at the moment because I already have a lot of other issues to stress about. What I need now is just enjoy Chris because I don't know when we will be bored with each other? So enjoy while he still plays a role in my life. Hehe.

Ok that's all for this post. Until the next one!

Attention

Waking up to read so many of Chris messages just made my day and put a big smile on my face. Still smiling while typing away now 😀! We just enjoy teasing and flirting with each other. And he is very good at cracking jokes. Last night, after my post, I received his messages and some of the things he wrote just made me laughed so hard. 

What I realised is all men are big kids at heart and they want attention as much as us women. Just that they don't say it out loud or ask for it, unlike us women. We women are more vocal in what we want from men, but not the other way around. So as a woman I need to read cues and know when to give attention to my lover. And also when he needs his space so that I can give it to him and let him come back to me when he is in the right headspace. 

Thanks to my last experienced, I became a better version of myself now and I know when to take and when to give. Men is just like a kite. If you pull the string of the kite too hard, it might snap and fly away. But if you learn the right way to pull and release at the right time, the kite will soar higher into the sky and you can also pull it back when you want. Think about it. The more you give men space, the more they will appreciate you and not run away as they don't feel they are losing their freedom and space. It took me a painful 2 years with a class A jerk to understand that by giving a man what he wants I get more bacon return without my asking. The less I want to know what Chris is doing during his free time, the more he is willing to share with me without my asking. Both of us have our own life and since we are so far apart, it is pointless and useless for me to keep asking him and getting too involve with his life. I trust him to know what he is doing. We are both experienced and mature adults, hence we should be responsible for our own actions. 

I'm so much happier when I give up the need to know and just enjoy him and our time chatting and talking. Last night, I asked him to send an audio to me as I wanted to hear his voice before I slept and he did. Chris has a deep, soothing, manly voice that I find really sexy and hot. It is a huge turn on for me 😛😈! When I want attention I will ask him. But most of the time he gives me a lot and vice versa. 

Give the right attention and space to a man and you will find more enjoyment and less pressure in your relationship/lovership. I learned the hard way, but I learned and I'm happy now 😂😂!

My favourite guy

Captain Cool, my favourite guy at the moment 😂. He always managed to crack me up with his silliness and wise ass remarks! Oh oh, I love to hear his deep manly voice. Is such a turn on for me 😍! With him, I can be very blunt and upfront and I know he doesn't feel offended. Most of the times we forgot what we told each other hence never any hard feelings. And if I feel any negativity building up inside me, I will tell him and stay away until the negativity is gone. I don't want to take it out on him because I don't think it is fair. It is my negative emotions hence I need to take care of it myself without involving anyone. I have learned a lot in the past 3 months on how to truly live an open life and communicate my feelings and thoughts openly without holding back. Is still work in progress, but I see tremendous improvements in my relationship with people, from strangers to business partners to friends and family. I realised that there are people out there who are like me and appreciate my honesty and bluntness rather than told me not to be too blunt or take offend easily. I can use any words I like and want without having to worry about that person feel offended. 

It is truly liberating to be able to be blunt and honest with people. I'm not everyone cup of tea and is fine. I don't want to be everyone cup of tea. Haha. Chris has shown me what I truly want from a lover, be it full time or part-time. He brought out the creative side of me and he enjoys my mental energy as much as I enjoy his. With Chris, I have learned to chill and not be bothered by the unknown. I used to ask a lot of personal questions, but now I let it be. The less I ask, the more info he volunteered and sometimes I really don't want to know at all. I don't want to get too addicted to him when he is just a part-time lover and not a full-time lover. I don't want to absorb anyone negative energy and drama anymore therefore the less I know the better I feel 😀!

At this juncture, Chris is definitely my favourite part-time lover. When will I feel bored with him, I don't know yet. When will he feel bored with me, I don't know too. Haha. But I have a feeling he won't feel bored with me for awhile 😂😝! I'm able to step back and give him his space anytime he wants it. I don't hold on to what we have. Instead I just go with the flow and see where it takes me.

I told him this afternoon to take his headspace anytime he wants and comes back to me when he is in the right frame of mind as me. I don't enjoy chatting with him when we aren't on the same wavelength. Yes, I do miss our daily chats when I don't hear from him, but is ok. Sometimes too much of something will make me sick too. So occasionally I need to reduce the doses of him in order for me and him to last longer. 

If Chris misses me, he will reach out. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. Life still goes on. My life doesn't revolve around him or waiting for him to call or text me. I enjoy his presence, but I'm also ok without it. After my last experienced, I find that going with the flow is just the way to go. People come, people go. Why get so hung up on 1 particular person when there are 7 billion people in the universe 😉! 

"Don't"

A regularly use word in daily life, but yet I have a serious aversion to this word especially if it is uttered by someone I like such as Chris. We were having our regular chats and I asked him if he has different compartments in his minds for different things in his life as I know most men do. It was just a curious question from my end because I enjoy studying people.

And to be fair his replied was normal, but he used the word "Don't"!!! His exact phrase was, "Don't study me or you end up with headache and horny". It was kinda funny the last part of the sentence, but I didn't feel funny at all. I felt slightly pissed off and went into a defensive mode. The reason I felt pissed off was because it reminded me of Peter Wittendorp. He liked to use the word "Don't" a lot...."can you please don't do this or that" or "why don't you do this or that".....I felt deja vu all over again as if like I needed permission to do or say anything I like and want in my life. I hate being told what I can or can't do. I know Chris didn't mean it like that, but because of my past experienced the word just irked me to the max! 

So I replied him....I didn't waste time studying him as people change and they don't show their true self anyway. He didn't reply back after that. Later in the evening, I dropped him a message to tell him that I will stay away from him for a few days as I felt some negativity building up and I don't want to take it out on him unintentionally. 

He replied and said he understand and is normal because we are all human. He is like that too. And he thanked me for telling him. I didn't explain to him why I wanted to stay away. I thought about telling him, but then I decided not to because I don't feel like explaining myself about my past with Peter. Even if I did explained he might not have understand why I have aversion to a word. 

Is something I need to work on it myself. No one can help me to overcome this aversion. I just didn't expect that a simple word will bring back negative memories of Peter. Sigh......

Anyway, let's hope I get rid of the aversion for the word "Don't" asap. Wish me luck!

Chris is Drawn to Me

My favourite Captain told me last night he is drawn to me mentally and sexually. Deja Vu feeling for me because I heard the exact same statement 1.5 years ago from the person who  hurt me the most, Peter. Why oh why are men always drawn to me mentally and sexually??

But at least with Chris I know what he wants and what I'm getting into. Chris said to me he believes in our connection and energy and I do agree with him. I know I don't make sense and I really don't know how to explain, but there are a lot of similarities between us.  His fav food - Japanese (can eat daily sashimi) and Thai (especially street Phad Tai). For me also the same cuisine, but not as specific as him. 

It is exactly 1 month since we started communicating and so far it is growing stronger each day. I told him I won't ask him any prying questions so if he wants to offer me any details about himself I will be happy to know. I told him it doesn't matter how much I know about him, what matter is I trust him. I need to learn to trust again because if I don't I will overthink and pick every things he had said to me apart and analysing every words!! I won't do this to myself hence I choose to trust him until I'm proven wrong to trust him. At this moment, he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. I don't think he will be a mean person and I have a feeling I will be safe when I'm with him.

I feel like he is my mirror and he is reflecting my inner desires and wants. I keep reminding myself not to get too carry away with him, but somehow the pull between us is strong. With Chris, I'm living and enjoying the moment. I don't think about the future and what if! I can say for sure that I'm going with the flow and see where it leads me too. I have a feeling he will teach me something new about myself and elevate me to the next level 😝😝! He is my twin 😈😈! Haha.

Anyway, it makes me feel good to know that he is drawn to me. He adds to my happiness quotient on almost daily basis. So no complaint about him yet! 😂

Ok, I have to end this post now as I have to spend sometime chatting with him. My night is always busy! Haha

Never Say Never

Everyone who knows me know that Asian men never appeal to me and I will never ever consider dating them, let alone Malaysian men. So when I told Nora that I actually kinda like Chris and he is a Malaysian, she was surprised!! (So am I too 😆). After my 1st ex who was a Malaysian Chinese, I never dated any Malaysian or Asian men anymore. I just feel that they aren't able to accept me for who I'm and mentality wise I just feel Westerners are more in line with my ways of thinking. And sexual wise, Asian men are less giving compare to Westerners. Because of these 2 reasons, Asian men will never be my cup of tea and I'm dead set in my thinking until Chris showed up. Never in a million years I would have guessed that I would be attracted to a Malaysian man!!!

In the past my friends had told me that the things or people I dislike the most might ended up being the things or people I might love the most. I confidently answered them back then that it would never happened to me as I know clearly what I want from a man and the things I want in life. But now with the appearance of Chris it looks like I might have to eat my words! 😂😂

God/Universe has its way to prove us wrong. Chris is really not the typical Asian men therefor we can connect and click so well because I don't think like a typical Asian women too. No offence to any Asian women. Nothing wrong with Asian women mentality or behaviour. Just that I don't fit into the mould and I'm fine for not fitting in. This is who I am. 

My take away lesson from my lovership with Chris is never say never because your never might be your yes 😛! I guess I need to keep an open mind and heart and don't close the door so quickly because then I might have missed the chance of like minded people such as Chris. I'm glad I took a chance with Chris and so far I'm enjoying what we are experiencing. The mental connection is just great. So will see and just go with the flow.

Remember, NEVER SAY NEVER 😄! Because if you do you might miss out on a good thing. Just give it a chance, just like I did. A wake up call for me, but a good one for sure! Life really is full of surprises! Haha

2nd time from Chris

Yesterday evening I whatsapp Chris and told him that if 1 day we become bored with each other and this lovership, we will tell each other and walk away without ghosting. And I also told him that I have a feeling we will be friends for long even after the lovership has ended.

His replied to me was he has a feeling he doesn't wants this lovership to end and as far as he is concerned he doesn't ghost on people. But his next statement was the one that made me feel a bit scared....He wrote to me  - Kind of have this feeling of "where have you been all my life" going on. This is the 2nd time in a span of less than 2 months he made that statement to me. The 1st time when he said that, I brushed it aside as joke because we were talking about something silly. And I didn't give any thoughts to it.

But yesterday evening when I read his replied......I'm feeling a bit scared because we weren't joking about anything silly. I like him, but I don't know much about him yet and vice versa too. I mean we think alike in some topics and we both want the same things in some very specific areas so our mental connection is pretty strong. He told me several times that he feels comfortable with me and I feel the same too. We actually sync in certain areas.

I didn't reply to his statement. I just left it like that. I'm scared because I heard similar statement made by Peter before when we were happy, loving and still together. But look what happened to us now! I don't want  a repeat with Chris. I know my circumstance with Chris is different and Chris is also a very different from Peter in many ways so I might just be overreacting. I don't want to fall in love with Chris. And I don't want him to fall in love with me because there is a possibility he might. It happened to Peter Wittendorp too.

Bottomline is I'm not ready to fall in love with anyone at this moment. I just want a carefree lovership where if things has to end we can still be friends. Anyway, not going to overthink, but rather just enjoy Chris and our chats (at least 5 days a week). He loves attention and he loves to give attention too. Haha. So we are good for each other. With Chris is always playful, horny and unexpected. Drama free and no emotions roller coaster rides. He will tells me what he wants and I will do the same. I don't need to guess anything where Chris is concerned. His appearance in my life at this moment is a message to me. He is the kind of lover I would love to meet and have in my life and now I have him.

He told me in 1 of his recent messages that although we haven't been physical, but we are lover in many ways. Again I didn't ask him in what ways because I don't want to get carry away and overanalyse every word he said to me. I just want to enjoy and go with the flow! That's all I want now with Chris 😄!

Chris Went MIA

Been very busy lately hence didn't have a chance to update my blog until now. Chris went MIA for 2 days this week and I just let him be. He told me he had guest in town. I mirrored his actions and waited for him to reach out. Although I missed our daily messages, but I was adamant not to be the first one to reach out to him. I wanted to know if he missed me too. So after 2 full days of silent form my end, he whatsapp me and told me he missed our exchanges. I knew he would missed our chats and messages. I just wanted to see how long it would take him to reach out.

With Chris, there is a feeling of familiarity, like an old friend although we have only known each other for over a month. Is an easy feeling. But also a feeling of excitement and enjoyment. He is one hell of a writer. Writing what he wrote can turns any woman on. Hahaha!

Like I said, Chris inspires and stimulates me into thinking more creatively and by doing so I'm able to see things more clearly and vividly. I have a feeling we can be friends for long-term. I will share some of the messages Chris wrote to me in the near future 😉! It was relaxing and entertaining to read his messages after a long and busy day at work.

He is definitely an interesting lover to have. Will see.

Intoxicated by Chris 😍

Chris working hours are so irregular that it makes it hard for us to chat and talk at the same time. Today he had to wake up at 5am to get to work. The life of a pilot not as glamorous as I thought. But it didn't stop us from leaving messages for each other if we weren't able to find the right timing to talk. 2 days ago, I was very busy hence I didn't contact him at all. I also wanted to give myself some space from this lovership as I don't want to become too attach to him. And he messaged me to tell me he missed my vibes 😀! Is his way of telling he missed me. 

Yesterday I had more time so we managed to spend sometime chatting and later in the night he sent me long steamy messages to convey his desires for me. Haha. 

Seriously, he can write!!!! Our mental level and wit are very similar and compatible! He said I'm yin to his yang 😝! And then he told me I'm his cup of tea. This was the 3rd time he said that to me! If only he doesn't lives and works so far away, I believe we will have a blast enjoying each other company. But too bad. Life doesn't always give us what we want! So for now I will enjoy what I can have 😉!

He intoxicated my mind with his mental energy. He is the best by far. We inspired and stimulated each other mentally. I truly enjoy him. He adds to my happiness quotient 😁! And drama free. No emotional roller coaster rides! 

He lulled me to sleep every night with his wants and desires for me and us! No matter what happen to us in the future, I will always remember him. Maybe 1 day I will post an excerpt what he wrote to me! But for now I want to keep it to myself and savour him! Haha!

Oh oh I forgot to mention his voice is soothing, husky and alluring!! I love it! The sound of his laugh was like music to my ears 👻😁!!

I told him he can makes a lot of women fall for him, but I won't be one of them! Have yet to get his reply. Wonder what is he going to say 😁! 

Don't know why we crossed path and what's his role in my life yet. Is he really the yang to my yin as he said?? 

Captain Cool Makes Me Happy

I stayed up until 5am yesterday to chat with Chris because of our time difference. We texted each other for almost 2 hours and I had a blast. Our mental energy and wavelength are very similar and our fantasy exchanged were great. We took turned to tell each other what we wanted to do and we never missed a beat. He made me laughed a lot. Even now I have a silly grin on my face just thinking about the contents of our chat.

I feel very comfortable with him. We are very upfront with each other and we are cleared what we want out of each other so no ambiguity. He enjoys giving and receiving attention from me and so do I 😆😆!  Chris wrote to me the following,

"I felt good about you. I don't know of any logical explanation as to how but I feel a good energy about you, there is an air of trust, comfort and a promise of incredible discovery with you."

Just today alone, he had checked in 3x - afternoon, evening and just now 😆😆! He told me he has to work tonight till late so he won't be able to chat with me. But he will try to check in whenever he can. Haha. So sweet of him. Oh, oh, he even sent a dedicated song to me this afternoon to make my day brighter 😂! The song was "Grease" and it was totally unexpected!! It is actually nice to have an uncomplicated lovership. Yes, yes, he is very far from me, but is ok. We have an understanding. My life still goes on as usual. My options are still open, but at the same time we will just enjoy each other and go with the flow. Not forcing anything to happen. Which is fine by me because I'm not looking for anything permanent right now. I just want to enjoy and invest some of my time with people, like Chris, that put a silly grin on my face. Hahaha.

Before he signed off, he told me he had a silly grin on his face at that moment and I asked him why? He said I made him laughed. I replied him I'm a comedian 😂😂! And I did a hocus pocus on him.....I told him to think of me. He replied, "Doh 😀😀"

Because he is Asian, he would mixed in a few words of Malay, Hokkien and Cantonese when he texted me. It was funny to read that, but I also feel a closeness to him because there were some words best expressed in other dialect than English and he could understand without the need for me to translate. For the 1st time I actually enjoy a lovership with an Asian man who is also a  Malaysian. Freaking unbelievable and awesome at the same time because Chris is really different than the typical Malaysian or Asian men. I enjoy his company tremendously! The best part is he made me feels happy.

I have a feeling we will last for awhile 😍😉!!

Mental Addiction

Yesterday morning I wrote a fantasy and I asked Chris to continue where I left off to see if he was able to follow my train of thoughts and he didn't failed me 😈! But it could be more descriptive and detailed. Haha. Nevertheless, it was still a good one. At least I got to find out that we are on the same wavelength and he can meet my wits and craziness 😂😂! Not to mention the fact that he brought back out the very cheeky and naughty side of me that was suppressed for 14 months. He unleashed it and I'm very happy it was him because he is definitely a very compatible match, at least mentally!

I told him that it is dangerous for me if I'm mentally addicted to him. And his replied, "There's no excitement without danger and there can't be mystique without distance".

I asked if he enjoys my wits and he said totally. He said,"Where have you been all my life 😄". I answered him, "Hidden as a gem to be discovered by the right man 😂😂". 

Me: I think I might be a match to you!! Haha. Chris: I think so 😊

I find mental addiction as potent as a drug although I haven't try any kinds of drugs nor do I want to try. I'm a sucker for a man who are mentally compatible to me. And it isn't easy to meet one hence when I do I have a tendency to be addicted to his brain and I will find him attractive and hot even though he might be average looking only. 

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the mental games Chris and I are engaging in at the moment. I'm not looking for anything serious at this moment as I'm not ready to fall in love after pulling myself out of the deep holes. I want a fun, carefree and drama free part-time lovership. And I think Chris can gives it to me since he is based in Middle East due to his job. I'm not going to think too much, but just enjoy the flirting, teasing, mental stimulation and great conversation 😎!!

Am really glad and happy that he appeared in my life to show me that I should widen my horizon because life is full of surprises. I'm so happy and excited to have my old self back and to enjoy Chris's company while it last 😆! Thank you Captain Chris!!