Darkness

I dislike the darkness that is lingering inside my mind. I'm able to keep it at bay and not allow it to influence my thinking and act out rashly to avenge my anger against Peter. He brought out the darkness in me that I never experienced before. Even when my mum abandoned me when I was 8 years old and continued to abuse my loved for her until I was 35 years old, I didn't had any ill thoughts toward my mum. Although I have disowned my mum and don't care about her welfare anymore, I still feel pity for her because she chosen money over me. Which I had accepted the fact and no longer sad and mad at her! It was her life an her choice. She decided that money was more important than having me as her daughter so I respected her choice and therefore I disown and ban her from my life forever. And even then, I never had a moment of dark thoughts about my mum, unlike Peter. Maybe because my mum has always been consistently herself since the day I was borne until now so I know who she is. But Peter was different. He wore a mask of a good man that met the criteria of a Mr Right and he made me fell for him. He tricked me into believing that I could trust him beyond reasonable doubt, but in reality I couldn't!!

To be honest, I'm still beating myself up for trusting him blindly, excusing his shady and shitty behaviours, giving him more chances than he deserved and loved him until the extend I was willing to be the 2nd option!! I thought he truly loved me. Thinking back now, I'm questioning everything he ever told me. My mind couldn't accept the fact that he actually told me so many lies in the past 2 years. We talked and messaged each other on a daily basis and I told him things I rarely told my friends. He had shared about his childhood, teenaged years as well as his 1st marriage and all the women he slept with including the tests he had to take before getting married the 2nd time around, but the thing is I don't know which were made up and which were the truth.

To certain extend I know how he thinks and acts, but to another extend I don't know who he is anymore!! Actually when I said I could read him like a book, I was referring to the way he thinks and feels about me now. This part I think I will get it right. Haha.

Anyway, I pray that the darkness that is lingering inside my mind will disappear soon. So far (except for last night) I'm able to keep it at bay. Seriously, he brings out a very dark side of me that I never know existed until now. I never had ill thoughts about anyone no matter how badly the person wronged me. But with Peter, I wish and pray that Karma will teach him a lesson. I really wish! At this very moment, I'm not able to wish him well. He doesn't deserves it for how he treated me!! I know what I'm feeling now is temporary and something must had triggered me to think and feel so negatively about Peter (haven't figure out what triggered my dark thoughts yet).

I will continue to fight my own darkness with positive thinking and happy thoughts 😂😂! I'm very sure everyone of us has a dark side of us that we keep to ourselves and not show to the world and I was one of those people. But now I chose to embrace, admit and address it openly because by doing so only I have a chance to fight off the dark side of me. It is part of me and I won't be ashamed to show the world the entire me....the good, the bad and the ugly. I will face it head on so that I won't fear my own dark shadows!!

I made a promise to myself that I will always be my authentic self privately and publicly so I need to honour my own promise! It is scary to share publicly my dark and negative thoughts and feelings, but I need to be brave. I'm doing this for me! I want to learn how to control my darkness and not let it consume me! My experienced with Peter was 1 of my toughest and hardest lesson in life.

Oh well, I'm sure he thinks and says the same about me too. His most craziest experienced!! And I'm also going to be that he regrets for walking back into my life again. Haha!

Maybe when I have time I will try to put myself in his shoes and figure out what he is thinking now and about our past. Just for fun. But for now I want to sleep. So goodnite everyone 😴