31.12.16 -My feelings about Peter Wittendorp

Today is the last day of the year. It had been a trying year for me that were full of dramas and I experienced the deepest and saddest heartbreak of my life. I learned and evolved to become a better person for myself. Until today I still couldn't understand why Peter Wittendorp could be so cruel, mean, harsh and selfish towards me. I couldn't understand how a man who claimed to love me could turned out to be the biggest jerk and asshole who hurt me without a blink of an eye. I'm not actively seeking answers because I know I will never be able to get any so why waste my time. But I have to admit that for the past 2 weeks his name keeps popping into my mind and I don't even know why. In the past, when his name kept showing up in my mind, he would appeared out of the blue. I don't think it will happen this time (him popping into my life again) because I won't allow it to happen. I have blocked him on my phone and email. I didn't block him on LinkedIn because then I will have to go into his page to block him and I don't want to do that. I can't block him on my blogs because it is open to public and I won't know who has read my posts specifically as he can be 1 of the many anonymous readers.

I'm not sure what I think about this man currently. There were times I think he was an asshole and biggest jerk in the world, and there were times I think I was wronged to humiliate him on my blogs. Yes he was shitty towards me, but I could had handled it more maturely and sensibly rather than allowed my emotions to control my mind. At that time all I could think of was to hurt him as deeply as he hurts me. I wanted blood. I wanted him to pay for the accusation he threw at me! But what I wanted the most was for the truth to be told from my side. He played with my feelings, lied to me for 2 years and then turned around to stab me repeatedly in my heart when the affair was exposed. I just snapped as my mind couldn't comprehend how could a man turned so ugly, cruel and cold without warning. I was hurting badly and I didn't want to protect his good guy image anymore. 

Looking back now, I might had been a bit rash in my decision and wasn't thinking clearly for sure. Sometimes, I did felt slightly upset with myself for hurting him in this manner. It isn't in my nature to hurt someone, especially a man that I used to love deeply. My love for him was real and genuine although I never fully admitted it to him. I should had the guts to be opened and blunt with my love for him rather than played it cool and suppressed my feeling for him for fear of losing him! A lot of things he did just didn't made any sense to me and even until now I still don't know what are facts and what are lies. 

It isn't important for me to find out anymore as he was my past that I will never want to revisit at all. Although I'm writing this post about him, it is because of necessity than a want. As mentioned earlier, he has been popping into my mind everyday for the past 2 weeks and I need to get him out of my system. 1 way to do so is to write about it so that hopefully it will make sense to me why this man suddenly appeared in my mind again! 

I tried to focus on Chris, but I failed. His name, Peter Wittendorp will just appeared in my mind. I managed to block most of the memories we had together (both negatives and positives), but some still managed to slip thru the crack. The good thing it didn't made me unhappy. To be honest I didn't really know what I was feeling for him anymore. If I have to use 1 word to describe how I felt, it would probably be 'stranger'. I thought I knew the real Peter Wittendorp, but turned out I didn't know a rat shit about him! I was so wronged about my perceptions of him. I thought I understand him 98%, turned out I didn't. I kicked myself for seeing the red flags and ignored it entirely because I trusted and loved him even after he failed me numerous times!! It showed how stupid I was when I fell in love with a man! Haha. I was a fool!! 

Now I can laugh at myself. Before I couldn't. I beat myself up for being so trusting of him. My self-worth dropped to the bottom and I only managed to regain it back in August when I met Michael in Bali during my birthday. Michael reminded me that I'm still desirable and attractive by just being myself. 

I'm definitely a change person after my experienced with Peter Wittendorp. I'm more wary of men words, I don't trust so easily, I laugh less too and I don't have faith in men and relationship anymore. Thanks Peter Wittendorp for giving me a fucking shitty memorable experienced! I have not fully forgiven him yet. Although I'm not mad and unhappy anymore, I still can't bring myself to wish him well because he doesn't deserves it! I don't wish him bad, but I don't wish him well either. I wish he didn't hurt me so deeply and retract back his accusation. And apologise to me for it. I wish he has the balls to be a proper man to me. I will apologise for my actions, but only if he apologise too! Which will never happen in this lifetime! 

In his mind, I wronged him! In my mind, he wronged me!! So stalemate. 😉

Anyway, I'm glad that today is the last day of 2016. I know 2017 will be a great and fabulous year for me. A new year is a new chapter for me to write my wonderful story.

P.S. I don't cry easily, but when I was with Peter I cried a lot and often! I was walking on egg shells and I was feeling sad and confused. I wanted to make him happy all the time and hearing him laughed just made me happy. I never asked for anything from him except don't hurt me and don't play with my heart from Day 1 and he said he didn't!! In the end he did both! I will not cry for a man anymore! It would had been easier to let go if I didn't love this man, but I DID! I wanted him to be mine since the 1st day I met him 10 years ago! The 1st time he said he loved me I was shocked, surprised and dumb founded as I didn't expect it! I joked with him all the times warning him not to fall in love with me and secretly hope he would and when he said "I love u" to me it was the happiest time of my life! All I ever wanted was for him to love me and spent time with me whenever possible! Anyway, it was all in the past! I should refrain myself from writing about him anymore! I know it will be hard for me to forget him. He will always live in a corner of my mind! 

I miss Chris

I miss Chris but I can't pinpoint exactly why I miss him. Haha. Definitely not the I love him type of miss him. Probably more like I miss a good friend kinda missing. I used to find him fascinating and interesting, but not anymore. I don't find him mysterious anymore and it doesn't pique my interests to find out more about him. I'm sure there are still a lot more about him that I have yet to know, but I don't feel like digging further to find out. If he wants to tell me without me trying to dig it out from him, I will be happy to hear what he has to share and in the process getting to know him better. But if he prefers not to share, I won't ask unless I think it is something important that I think I should know. Otherwise I will not ask.

He isn't that difficult to understand or figure out. I'm very certain he has a few skeletons in the closet that no one knows about just like everyone of us. Do I have any skeleton hiding and lurking around in the closet and waiting to be exposed 😝? Haha.......I'm not telling.

Chris to me is like an old friend more than a lover. I don't need to know every single details about an old friend because not everything concerns me, nor do I want to be concerned by it! The ways I treat a friend and a lover are different 😜! Yes, in the beginning I wanted Chris to be my lover, but after seeing him and spending time with him I changed my mind. I didn't feel a longing for him like I used to feel for Peter Wittendorp. I enjoyed Chris's company, but I don't feel much chemistry. There were sparks, but more like friendship sparks than romantic sparks. Haha. 

Do I wish to have romantic sparks with Chris? Hmmmm........I don't think so. He doesn't arouse me physically as much as Peter. Mentally Chris is compatible and he also has a wicked sense of humour that just made me laughed so hard 😂😂! And he loved to give me hugs, which I enjoyed tremendously. I loved the feeling of his arms circling my small waist and hugging me tight against his body. He has a very warm body hence he transferred his body heat to me. And that was why it felt so good to snuggle up to him. The downside was he snored. I don't remember if Peter snored, but I do remember that his body twitched when he was asleep as I felt it sleeping next to Peter. I told him the next day and he said he didn't realise at all. 

Am I jumping to conclusion too soon about my feeling for Chris? Hmmmm.........I don't think so, but I will leave a small window of possibility to change my mind in case I'm wrong about my feeling for Chris in the future 😜! But as of now, I don't feel attracted to him romantically although I miss chatting with him. Or maybe the real person I miss isn't Chris, but I didn't want to admit it hence I focus all my attention on Chris and making myself miss him instead. 

Anyway, Chris have been extremely busy since he flew back to Dubai. Between work, family and friends, he doesn't has as much time as before to chat with me. Maybe that also added to the reasons why I miss him. Couple with the fact that I have too much free time on my hand to think stupidly. Hahaha. 

Oh well....I'm sure the missing him mood will be gone soon. Nowadays I'm becoming very good in blocking off unwanted negative thoughts and feelings so that I will stay positive at all times. So far my success rate is around 90%, which isn't bad at all. Haha.

Ok, enough confession about me missing Chris. Till the next post....Ciao

Old and new improved ME😁😁!

It had been a super duper long time I didn't leave my phone in the safe in my room and it felt really good without it as I was able to finished reading my book for the past 5 hours! Yup finally I finished the book. Haha. I'm sitting at the hotel bar for the past 5 hours, fully enjoyed and immersed myself in my own little world. I'm currently being surrounded by people and music, but I'm able to retreat into my own world and find peace within myself and my surrounding. I have learned to tune out any noises that don't serve me at all and create my own solitude.

I wasn't able to do that in the past as my mind couldn't be still and I liked to overthink and overanalysed things and situations until it created unnecessary stress for myself. But not anymore. I have learned that I have no control over things and people. The only control I have are myself and my thoughts. I only need to be in control of myself and not other things, situations or people because it is pointeless and useless as I can never control external factors 😊!

I'm loving every minute of my Bali trip. For the 1st time since 2014, this holiday isn't part of an escape from the emotional roller coaster Peter Wittendorp put me thru. I was edgy after Peter walked back into my life and was also needy and insecure as I wanted him to stay in my life and loved me that I was willing to compromise myself to keep him! I learned the hard way to never want a man until I was walking on egg shells around him frequently.

I also learned to cut people off whenever necessary. I dislike playing mind games and I learned that those who don't reach out to me doesn't miss my friendship hence I won't bother reaching out as well especially if I have tried several times. I will only put in the same amount of effort as the other party unless they are people I value and treasure. Previously, I was always the one to initiate contact and suggested meet up, but I don't want to do that anymore.

And if a guy promised to catch up but failed to do so, I will not hesitate to cut him off especially after I gave him 2-3 chances to redeem himself! I won't allow men to put me thru anymore emotional roller coaster like I allowed Peter. I have learned to set boundaries  and if the guy doesn't respect my boundaries, I will not hesitate to cut him loose at all. I won't tolerate shitty asshole actions. And I will not hesitate to call out the guy if I find his actions and behaviours are shitty. No more beating around the bush. 

The new improved version of myself isn't for everyone. I'm definitely not everyone glass of red wine 😛😛!! And is ok because I only want to be friends with people who will accept me for me and also don't play mind games!! I hate mind games BIG TIME!! Waste of time and energy! 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to test the new ME in 2017. I'm mentally prepare to loose a few people in my life who won't like the new improved version of ME 😝! I can't please everyone and I don't want to please everyone! 

Will update the reactions of my friends and clients of how well they are able to accept the NEW ME. An experiment and a test! Hehe

Chris Visited Me on 12.12.16

Chris went back to Penang to visit his parents last week and yesterday he spent 1 night in KL to catch up and see me 😃! I got back from Bali yesterday afternoon and he reached KL about 1.5 hours later. I went to KL Sentral to pick him up and we went to BSC for Japanese dinner. After dinner, we head back to my home to chill over red wine. I wasn't sure he would be able to extend his stay in KL for 1 night so I was happy when he told me he could. I was looking forward to see him and a tad nervous too 😝! I wasn't sure if the connection we shared over our chats would be the same in person too. But I told myself not to overthink and just enjoy his presence and company. Treat him like an old friend cum lover without any expectations 😀! And it worked. We had a nice dinner and talked about everything without losing a beat or feeling awkward.

After dinner, we headed back to my home to chill and relax. Opened a bottle of Rioja red wine to drink. Physique wise he wasn't what I expected, but it was acceptable. I feel very comfortable around him, like an old friend. I put him up in my guest room. After he showered, he came out to join me in the lanai area for wine.

That was when he puled me in for a long kiss. Interesting style of kissing. Not so much french kissing and he liked to kiss my bottom lip. Haha. I don't know how to describe but it is definitely interesting. We kissed for quite awhile. Well I won't go into full details of what he did 😝!

Overall, it was 7 out of 10 experienced with Chris. I enjoyed chatting with him in person. I told him he is welcome to stay in my guest room anytime he is in KL. Maybe I might see him again next weekend when he has to fly to KL for work. Will see. If not, I'm fine as well.

Anyway, I thing for sure I don't have any romantic feeling for him anymore. It is more like FWB kinda feeling now. Which is good and what I like. I don't plan to start any serious relationship for the next 1-2 years as I want to focus on my career. So Chris as FWB is good 😃! Haha.

But most important was I learned a lot more about Chris> Only child, parents in the 80s', a few investments here and there and he isn't a show off guy. Definitely not metrosexual since he has uneven teeth. Haha. We talked about a lot of things. He shared with me the perils of living in Dubai ( hidden risks). We talked about property investments, our view about life and etc. Oh he also met my brother and had a few glasses of wines with him We talked about holiday destinations and stuffs.

I never allowed a guy's friend to stay overnight in my home and Chris was the 1st. I just felt very comfortable with him, like old friend. He also made himself very at home 😆!

He will looks better without the slight tummy. Hahaha. He blamed it on all the food he ate while in Penang for 1 week. I like lying my head on his belly as it was cushy and nice. He actually enjoyed it too. Oh ya, his cuddling was very comfortable. Not feeling any discomfort. But because both of us coughed, he actually slept in the guest room so that we both could get some proper sleep. Which to be honest, I was glad because he snored.

I need quietness to be able to sleep well. And I'm not use to sharing the half of my bed when I'm so use to having the whole bed to myself. Hehe. He was really nice to cuddle me to sleep before he went to the guest room to sleep. Kinda sweet 😜!

That are all for now. Till the next update.....

Back in Bali (8.12.16)

My last holiday of 2016 and I'm back in Bali and staying at the same resort as my birthday trip in August. I selected this hotel again is because of the view from the pool. It is just breathtaking. The weather is great so far. Was told it had been raining and thunderstorm for the past few weeks, in fact it rained until 10am today before it stopped. I was also slightly worried that the weather is going to be miserable, but I was optimistic I will bring th sunshine from KL 😃 and I did. At least so far so good so a good start!! 

Right now I'm having my early dinner as I didnt had lunch. Simple curry chicken and white rice dinner, but is flavourful and delicious. Not to forget the million dollar view of the ocean, the waves crashing against the shore and the cooling sea breeze made the dinner extra yummy. I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel perfectly comfortable. 

This trip is very different from my last. My feeling is definitely so different now. I can see and feel everything clearly and finally I'm at peace. I have changed and I know what are the changes and I'm embracing the changes with an open mind and arms. I also came to realisation that Peter Wittendorp is like a shadow, always there, but unseen. His name is still lingering in my mind although I feel nothing towards him anymore. At one stage of my life he was the man I wanted the most. I wanted him to love me and he did, according to his declaration unless that was also a lie like everything else he told me. Anyway it doesn't matter anymore what is lie what is truth. Is the past and let it stay as the past.

I'm happy now. Not only do I regained my old self back, I also become an improved version of myself. I got to know more new guys and understand what I want from a partner better than before. I know what I'm willing and unwilling to compromise and I will speak my mind and be myself at all times! I won't silence my voice to please someone or make the person likes me. I'm enough and will be enough for the right man! 

I'm not perfect and I have flaws, but it is part of who I am. I'm not competing with anyone 😉! I'm looking forward to 2017 as I have a feeling I will achieve greater heights in my career and hopefully meet someone who jive with me

Meanwhile, maybe a Bali fling while I'm here 😂😂😝! Hahahaha

Intellectual vs Sexual Prowess

Do you prefer a woman to want you for your intellectual or sexual prowess?? - I asked over a dozen of my guys friend this question today as I was curious what would they choose. Actually, this question was meant for Chris only, but after he gave me his answer I thought it would be fun to ask my other guys friend so that I can gain better insight to how they think about relationship and do they prefer women want them as a sex object or their intellectual mind.

Majority of my guys friend chose intellect and only 3 chose sexual prowess. 1 wasn't serious hence will take him out of the count. so only 2 chose sexual prowess. 1 of them said that just intellect alone will not suffice and keep the interests going. He has a point, but at the same time I think he missed the point of my question. His choice has shown me that he prefers to be wanted for his sexual prowess than his mind. Hmmmmm, nothing wrong with his choice, but it made me realised that we never really had any intellectually stimulating conversations since I known him in Jan this year. Occasionally he was sexually stimulating (with his words), but never mentally stimulating. Our conversations never make me ponder further on the topics we talked about and sometimes it were mundane too. I didn't realise this fact until now. Anyway since we are just friend I'm not bother by his choice. Beside, my question was purely for fun only 😛!

Chris and my other male friends selected intellectual, which was within my expectation. I did asked them why and they told me because sex will fizzle out and intellect won't. Beside it isn't fun to have sex with someone whom they aren't able to have a decent conversation with. Which I totally agree with them!! I will never choose a man just because he is good in the sack even if he has the right size hardware 🙈😈!

The right size hardware that doesn't comes with the software is just less attractive and desirable. Hence, it is imperative to have mental connection, physical attraction and sexual chemistry to make a relationship last. Men are just like women after all....they aren't just purely after sex but also intellectual connection and mental stimulation.

Anyway, my survey sample wasn't large and it was conducted purely for fun only. But I will continue to use this question to break the ice with any new guy I'm going to meet in the future. I think it will be a good pick up line for women to use on men who catch their eyes or like without the fear of being rejected 😂😂.

This topic is interesting enough to start a friendly debate and keep the conversation alive and less boring. Plus I learned some new abbreviations (sex related) from friends too. It was very entertaining to read their reply and rationale. Made me laughed non-stop! Haha.

If any of my female readers do conduct this survey, please share the outcome by leaving the comments on this post. Looking forward to hearing back from all of you out there 😄! I will update when I have new result or comments. Enjoy and have fun asking the question!