Bangkok Break (24-26 Nov 2017)

Last night in Bangkok. Arrived yesterday (24 Nov 2017) and leaving tomorrow (26 Nov 2017). Staying at Siam Kempinski. This trip is a short break and shopping trip with Gin, my gf. Is darn tiring as we spent long hours shopping and walking.

Now we are waiting for Uber to go to Rod Fai night market! Been waiting for 30mins already although it said he is only 5 mins away. When I ordered the Uber ride it was 6.08pm and 9mins away. Now 6.36pm and 4mins away!! Bangkok traffic is horrendous. A supposing 9mins distance. Crazy!! Finally inside the car and otw to Rod Fai night market.

I bought a lot of tops. Not expensive but nice designs. For daily wear. I'm not brand conscious when it comes to clothes. It sure feels good to wear a designer brand but it doesn't adds to my self worth. Beside I don't like to spend my clothes for dry cleaning as it is too troublesome. Hence I usually buy non-branded clothes to wear. I'm a simple person who isn't brand conscious. And nowadays I will be only dress up when there is an event. Otherwise I prefer comfortable clothes.

This 2nd part is written in a plane as I'm flying back to KL now. The short break and shopping had come to an end so is time to go back to work. Next week should be an interesting week with 3 meetings schedule.

This trip was tiring on my feet as I walked a lot! Every night I needed to soak my feet in hot water to soothe the tiredness. And I ate a fair bit so need to start dieting when I'm back in KL. I have a tummy now 😭😭! Need to get back my flat stomach. We went back to the same local Thai restaurant for lunch 2 days in a row - Taling Pling (restaurant name). The food were yummy and reasonably price.

My verdict of this trip ....hmm, Siam Kempinski is an overrated hotel that isn't worth the rate they are charging. It is an old and tired hotel that can use a refurbishment. The location is excellent, but not enough to make me want to return to stay again. The customer service was not on par with 5 stars luxury at all. I had problem with the TV in my room for the 2 nights I stayed there. Even after fixing, there were still issues. Pretty annoying to be honest. But I didn't let it spoilt my holiday. Just don't think is worth the price I paid for it and definitely wouldn't recommend it to anyone. And housekeeping standard sucks....on my 1st night I could see the floor was dusty. I expected it to be in tip top condition but it wasn't. So not happy with that. At best I will rate Siam Kempinski 4 stars. That's my verdict for the hotel. From the limited photos I took, you can draw the conclusion that the hotel is just normal and nothing to shout about. If it is a great hotel I would had taken a lot more photos. Haha.

As for the trip itself.......not bad overall as I had eaten some delicious local Thai food, bought some inexpensive tops and accessories. But it would be much better if Gin was less budget conscious. Having said that I have to give her a big thumb up for agreeing to stay at Siam Kempinski as it was more expensive than her usual budget. But then she did complaining non-stop too that it was expensive and next time must stay in cheaper hotel. The fact was I asked her if she was ok with the hotel and budget and she said yes. Then she repeated a few times that the hotel too expensive. Sigh. I gave her the chance to say no and even suggest other hotels, but she said go ahead. So I did. Anyway, it wasn't too unbearable so it didn't affect me at all. And she can eat a lot so was kinda nice as we ordered many dishes to try. Haha.

Shopping in Bangkok was really fun as I managed to find good quality bargains and there were sale everywhere. So plenty of choices to choose from. I will post some photos of my loots as well 😉😀.
We talked, but not deep talked as when we were in Bali. This trip she talked about her kids more and I was fine with it. What I didn't find fine was when she commented that she will just bear with her life even though she feels trap in it! This is something I can't accept. I'm not asking her to have an exciting life, but at least not waste it away by just accepting the current situation. Fix it! She knows there are issues in her marriage, but she doesn't wants to talk to her husband about it. And her hubby also doesn't initiate the talk so both of them ignore the issues and continue living a life that isn't a fulfilling marital life. Sexless for over 9 years!!! Crazy and unbelievable. Her husband is really weird. I seriously couldn't understand how they could live a life like that??

Oh well, is her choice so I'm not going to say too much but respect her choice even though I feel that she isn't living her life to the fullest. Everyone of us have our own destiny and path to follow so it isn't my place to tell her how to live her life.

So my final verdict on this trip......a good trip although tiring.

Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I'm super bored and even then I still don't spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn't see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don't think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don't add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was "You are a goat". I replied "huh". Then his next message was "Don't contact me again". The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don't plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm......nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I'm very focus on my career now and won't have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren't many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn't a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn't click as the connection weren't there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don't live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don't like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don't add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don't feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I'm super bored. Otherwise I couldn't be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I'm definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn't in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn't a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn't, keep trying. And for those who hasn't try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn't frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today's society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder.  Cheers.

I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don't understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don't know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn't. I thought I understood him, but I didn't. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I'm still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I'm not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn't exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn't had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn't do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I'm slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn't help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I'm to take a wild guess, I will say I don't pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I'm not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don't hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don't at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn't a single day that I don't think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn't in my heart anymore. I just don't know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don't know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven't manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I'm sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

Unedited emails from 2014 - Peter Wittendorp's in his own words accused his wife cheated on him!!

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I'm still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don't feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn't realise until now as I don't check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don't feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I'm very sure I was the same for him too.

My feeling in Rhodes & my b'day celebration on 12th August

I'm very happy that I selected Kokkini Porta Rossa as my hotel because I feel very at home here. I feel peaceful and blissful. I could sit in the windy and cool courtyard for hours and without feeling bored. I just idle my day away without doing anything. All I want to do is just enjoy the tranquility and coolness of the place. It allowed me to regain my balance in life and get rid of any negative feelings that I might still harbour in me. This trip has been great so far as I'm finally able to understand how to appreciate being surrounded by new people and not feel lonely. Nikon and Angela have become fast friends and I think I will continue to stay in touch with them as I don't only enjoy their company but also like them personally. They have interesting tales to tell and from them and their experiences I have gained other insights into life.

I don't feel the need to fill my life with acitivities or people anymore. Although I had my birthday dinner by myself, I didn't feel alone or lonely. I actually felt good and actually enjoyed a quiet delicious dinner at Marco Polo. But of course, Angela wouldn't allowed that hence she told the owner of the restaurant it was my birthday and they sang me happy birthday song and gave me complimentary dessert.



For the 1st time among all my birthday trips, I never wish to celebrate my birthday with someone special. I used to wish I have a man in my life to celebrate my birthday with me, but this year such a thought vanished. I felt really happy and contented spending time by myself. I felt complete and fulfilled which I never thought it was possible 😀. I know that mentally I have reached a new breakthrough as well as emotionally.

I learned my own actual self-worth and how to be contented with life little pleasures such as idling my time away doing nothing, but sitting in the lovely , breezy and peaceful courtyard for a few hours and don't feel bored or tired or the pressure to go out for site visits. Btw, the tree is 200 years old 😀! The owners built around it. I never get bored looking at it. Made me feel calmed and relaxed.



And I'm so so so happ that finally, my heart is healed and I have forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made in the past. My urged to write to him one last time via letter had gone and although he does popped into mind occasionally it passed by quickly too. It was a flitting thought about him and I'm fine with it. After all, he had contributed in partly shaping me into who I have become today - a better version of my old self as I learned and understand myself deeper discovered new facets about my feelings and emotions.

It was a great decision to spend my birthday in Rhodes. I have finally set myself free from my own misgivings 😊😉. I'm happy, contented and pleased with myself and everything I have achieved thus far in life from the bottom of my heart! 

My admissions and confessions

When I didn't know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn't reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn't hate him.

What I did wasn't right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn't know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don't expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn't share details about him because it wasn't a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I'm definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.
I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn't do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won't revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I'm doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I'm definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn't want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn't giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I'm not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn't do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma's grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I'm happy now and that's most important 😀😀. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that's all I have to share.

Vion - 1 of my best friend of 23 years

Just had a late lunch cum early dinner. Tonight going to attend a Moet party at Arena Bar. Tomorrow will be spending time with 1 of my best friend from Hong Kong, Vion. I have known her for 23 years already. We met in university. We both studied in HPU and during my stayed in Hawaii, she had been a great friend to me. I had a severe lower back pain at 20 years old and couldn't sit, sleep ad stand without feeling a severe sharp pain. At that time Vion was working as a clerk in a chiropractor's office. I called her in the middle of the night for helped and she came immediately. She brought the chiropractor with her and to help me to lessen my pain. I was all alone in Hawaii and she was the only friend who had car back then. Subsequently, she arranged for me to go to the chiropractor's clinic to get treatments. It helped to lessen my lower back pain. I was told by the chiropractor that I had a mild sclerosis and until today I still experience lower back pain. Yoga helps, but if I stand or sit or walk too much, the sharp pain will hits me and makes me grumpy and helpless!

Anyway, coming back to Vion. She is the type of person who shoots her mouth and sometimes her words were very piercing and sarcastic. She speaks her mind and doesn't gives a rat shit about what people think of her. I can talk to her about anything and everything. She is actually a very caring and nice person if you can accept her bluntness. She is even more blunt than me!!! Haha! Is true. I have accepted her for who she is and doesn't get offended easily by the words that came out of her mouth. In fact, I can count on her to give me the un-sugarcoated version of things. She will exert her views even if I don't ask for it 😀! I'm cool with her as overall she means well and just looking out for my best interests.

She always takes the initiative to reach out to me by calling me when she hasn't heard from me for a period of time. Usually we will speak 1-2 times a month just to catch up on life. She is street smart (typical HKger) and is doing fair well as a property agent in HK.

When we were both studying in Hawaii, she would called me up after my night class and asked if I had eaten. When I told her I hadn't, she would drove to my condo in Waikiki Beach to take me out for dinner. I can still remember an incident where her car was tolled away by the authority because she parked next to the hydrant. We were panicked when we couldn't find the car. Our 1st thought was it might had been stolen. But when we looked again at the spot she parked, we realised that it was most likely that it was tolled away by the authority. Haha. It was a lesson learnt not to park next to a hydrant.

I'm grateful to have her as my good friend. I told her everything about my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful parts of my life journey. She will always be 1 of my best friend till the end of my life.

Well she has been in KL for more than 1 week, but because she has a fair bit of friends in KL so she only has time to catch up with me tomorrow. Beside, I was busy during weekdays with appointments and meetings so I'm cool to spend time with her tomorrow. I'm going to take her for tim-sum, follow by a site visit, some shopping and then dinner with my dad, stepmom and half sister. They met her before and Vion loves to chat with dad as she always says my dad is a funny man and also she has lots of respects for my dad because of his never gives up fighting spirit. My dad is a super positive man. I believe I inherited his positive thinking 😁!

Oh well, tomorrow night dinner will be full of laughter for sure. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with Vion as her brashness and bluntness are refreshing. But having said that, I have a limit of how many days I can enjoy her company. Not so much because of her, but more to do with myself. I have a need to shutdown and be by myself after spending long amount of time with people irregardless if they are my family or good friends. I just need my alone time to clear my mind and enjoy my own company. If I don't get that I will become grumpy and irritated. Maybe is because I'm so used to my own company I can't handle too much time being surrounded by people and noises.

So a day in her company is just perfect for me 😝😁. But now I have to stop here as I need to go and buy some groceries before heading home. Happy weekend everyone!!

Disappointed with 1 of my best friend

Out of the blue I got a WhatsApp chat from my best friend, AnnTea, asking me how am I getting on? I thought for a minute she was really interested to know about the latest update about my life as we haven't seen nor speak to each other for a few months now. I have stopped making effort to meet up with her for lunch or dinner because she can never finds time for me everytime I asked her to catch up. So after awhile I just gave up as I don't like to keep asking because it makes me feel like I'm forcing her to see me. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have stopped chasing people. I'm here and I will always make time for people I value in my life if they reciprocate the same. If they don't, I won't force them too.

Anyway, after giving her a brief update about my life, she replied with a surprised news. She told me she got breasts implant!!!!!!!!! And wanted to know the website where I bought my bikinis (I usually bought from brazilian bikini website). When I heard the news about her implant, I felt disappointed with her. She has a nice pair of sizeable boobs (she is 51 this year), although a bit sagging (according to her), I still didn't think she needs to get an implant. My gut feeling is she got the implant to please and keep her cheating husband as they are back together after he filed for divorce (my gf said they never remarried) although she said the reason was she wanted fuller breasts!!

She is a very successful and capable woman, but she is also insecure and craves attention when it comes to personal relationship. She admitted it to me herself. The fact that she kicked her cheating and abusive (he hit her a few times) husband back into her life for 6-7 times just showed how much craps she is willing to put up with! She claimed that she forgave him because she wants the kids to grow up in an intact family, but yet her kids witnessed how their dad treated her including both verbal and physical abuses.

People think growing up in a single parent family is bad for the kids growing up. I disagree. I grew up in a broken family and yet I have a good life by my own standard. I'm very disappointed with AnnTea. I never thought she would be so insecure of her own body and physical image. Anyway, is her body. Whatever her reasons for getting the implant was her choice. If it makes her happy then that's all the matter.

As for me, I will forget about my disappointment very fast as it doesn't concerns me. This exchanged made me realised that we are drifting apart. As I become more secure and comfortable in my own skin, she is becoming more vain and insecure. I choose to walk away from people who doesn't value me as me, but she choose to change herself to make people value and like her more. This is life. People change and we can either choose to accept or not. If we choose to accept, then we need to learn to accept all aspects of them. If we choose not to accept, then we just walk away and minimise the contact with them.

Always, always do your best to accept yourself including all the flaws. Always remember that!

Stop chasing people......

I never thought my action of always reaching out to people I like/love was actually a form of chasing people. To me it was more like keeping in touch only. But then now I realised that I was chasing them, trying to get them to respond to me and stay in my life when sometimes I could feel that was the last thing they wanted to do. I became frustrated and unhappy when I did all the reaching out and not getting any back. It is a normal feeling to want the people I chase to reciprocate back, but if they aren't doing it willingly then their interaction with me will feel like a courtesy and an obligation which will further makes me feel yucky. It will also makes me feel insecure and clingy. Which happened to me in the past, but not anymore.

Nowadays, the only thing I chase is business deals. I don't chase relationship and friendship anymore. I have decided that if someone wants to be in my life or want me to be in his/her life, that person will tell me. If I see that they put in effort to keep a friendship or relationship alive, I will match their effort. If they don't, I don't too.

It wasn't easy in the beginning to learn to stop chasing people as I was so used to reaching out all the time, but I told myself I have to do it. I have to stop, be still and see who really wants to be in my life and want me in his/her life. Yes, I will be sad if I end up finding out that I have to cut some people loose, but is for the best in the long run for me. It is useless and pointless to maintain a friendship or relationship with people who don't give a shit about me. It is just a waste of my time and energy. I don't want to fight for a spot in someone's life if that person doesn't gives me the spot willingly.

There are 7 billion people in the world, hence there will always be someone out there who will want me in his/her life genuinely. I value every single person that is currently in my life, but I have also learned that if someone wants to leave I can't force the person to stay. Of course I will be sad to let them go, but I have to. I don't want to chase after people and force them to stay in my life. It is a test to see who are my true friends and who are not. Is scary because what if I ended up without a single friend 😊, but is a chance I'm willing to take. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be with me, the person will come to me and stay without me having to keep chasing and reminding the person of my existence.

I know all of us had chased someone in our life at some point in our time due to loneliness, desires and other reasons, but maybe you would want to stop doing that and do a small test to see who stays and who doesn't. I want to know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and valued. We all need friends and family in out life, but only if these people we need and care share the same feeling as us and reciprocate back to us. If not, walk away.

If you really need to chase something, chase your goals, your dreams, but don't chase people. I wished I had learned that earlier because then I wouldn't had experienced the heartbreak cause by Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, it isn't too late as I'm putting it in good use now with Xavier and a few other people. I don't mind having them in my life, but losing them will not affect my life at all. So leave or stay, doesn't really matters to me. I even told 1 of my best friend Nora that if 1 day she wants to end our friendship, I will respect her wish and I will walkaway and not look back anymore.

Now I'm going to be chilled and see who will start chasing me......😂!

Updates about Xavier & I

"I totally understand u"......said Xavier. He repeated it 3x to me when I explained to him why I needed to take a break from chatting with him. Finally, yesterday afternoon I explained to him clearly the reasons for my decision and also how he made me felt. And his replied was he understand me totally!!! Hmmmm.......does he really understands me??? Maybe!

He also told me that his dad poor health is affecting his mood as he is annoyed with everyone and almost anything nowadays and only he himself can settle it. Meaning only he himself can make himself snap out of the annoyance. I trust that his dad is ill and he is worried about his dad's health, but I'm doubtful he doesn't has other reason why he suddenly distance himself from our friendship. Anyway, I'm not sad about his decision as I have learned to accept the fact that people come and go. I have decided not to chase people and let them be.

I have also decided that I will only put in the same amount of effort as the other person puts in. Nothing more and nothin less. I won't be the giver all the time. It has to be a balance. Actually, it was a good thing that Xavier acts the way he does now as it allows me to see another side of him that further confirmed the fact that it will be hard for me to be emotionally connected to him. I don't think he knows how to deal with my emotional disclosure. As a friend I don't expect anything from him so I'm ok with his lack of reactions to my feelings. I told him that I like him, but I'm not able to feel connected to him in the past 5 months. I was hoping that he could made me feel connected to him, but it never happened. He never asked me a single thing about me hence he doesn't know much about me except what I chose to tell him. He has no in depth knowledge about who I'm at all because I didn't volunteer any information. If he wants to know, he has to ask. If he doesn't asks, then he won't know as I won't tell.

Nowadays, I have stopped volunteering info about myself. If someone wants to know me better, the person has to ask to show his/her interests in getting to know me. Otherwise what they get is just the surface me. I'm not willing to subject myself to be hurt again, especially by men. And Xavier just sucks as emotional connection. Well, thank god we are just friend and nothing more. And even more thankful is the fact that we didn't get physical at all!! I didn't even kiss him as I mentioned in my last post. That just showed that I wasn't attracted to him romantically and physically. So I'm cool that we have this cool off period. If he reaches out after his dad's surgery or any other time in the future, I will still reply as after all he is still a nice guy to have as a friend.

But as a potential lover, I doubt it will ever happen as he isn't exactly my cup of tea unless he miraculously able to make me feel connected to him emotionally. I have my doubts. So for now I will just go with the flow and pay my attention back to my work as business is picking up and more exciting projects in the pipeline.

I shall update if I have any interesting development with Xavier, but don't hold your breath as I don't think so 😁! Goodnite world!

Xavier

I mentioned about Xavier in my previous posts, but not in details. I'm going to write about him in this post. I have been chatting with Xavier for a few months and met him about 5 weeks ago. He is a nice and good guy. Sometimes our chats were fun but sometimes it were boring. He had taught me a fair bit about airline practices and flying. He had shared a lot of funny tales about his work and people he works with. He had shown me some very amazing and stunning pictures he took from the cockpit. I was able to see the world through his photos.

I like him, but the connection isn't there yet. He doesn't knows much about me as he doesn't really asks me questions and I didn't feel like volunteering. Not sure why he doesn't asks and I didn't bother asking him why too. He did asked me if I want to go holiday with him and I didn't say yes or no. I'm still considering his suggestion, but I'm not leaning towards a yes as I really don't feel any chemistry with him. Hence I'm taking things slow. I don't want to mislead him into thinking I like him in a romantic way when I aren't. I want to spend a bit more time to get to know him and see if we can build the chemistry or not. I don't mind hanging out with him when he is in KL, but it won't be anything physical because he doesn't appeals to me physically (at least not yet).

His dad is diagnosed with cancer hence he has been busy taking his dad to hospital and spending time with his family so we aren't chatting that much for the last few weeks. I'm ok with it as I understand how stressful it is for him and his family. He loves his dad a lot. A filial son. Do I miss him during this time? Hmmmm...........maybe a bit as I was so used to him chatting with me almost daily, sending pics of himself and updating me what he was doing or going to do. But last few weeks it stopped after his dad condition isn't great. He did apologised for lack of communication and I'm actually cool with it.

Anyway, I'm not in a hurry to start a relationship as I prefer having him a friend at this moment. I think I will just keep the status quo for now and keep my options open. I never know what god has in store for me. Maybe I will meet my Mr Right in August when I go to Rhodes, Greece for my birthday retreat 😉. I'm hopeful and I believe that when the time is right I will meet the man for me. I just need to have faith.

So for now I will just enjoy my friendship with Xavier.

p.s. I spent 8 hours, starting from 4pm to mid nite and yet I didn't feel like kissing him. In fact, I was kinda irritated towards the end that he didn't want to leave even though he was super tired and tipsy. Plus he had to fly the next day. At the end of the night, I just called him a Uber and asked the bodyguard to escort him to the lobby and into the Uber car while I continued to party with my friends at Arena. I spent 8 hours with a man (happy hour, dinner and followed by more drinking at Arena) and yet I didn't want to kiss him at all just speaks volume about how attracted was he to me. I never had this problem with Peter Wittendorp. I didn't want my nights with Peter to end at all. I wanted him to be with me as long and as much as possible.

I realised that I couldn't open up to Xavier and share my thoughts and feelings with him like I did with Peter Wittendorp. I just feel that it will be tough for me to have a deep mental and emotional connection with Xavier. I tried my best to open up to him and share more about myself, but I just couldn't. He gives me the feeling that it will be hard for us to click and connect on the same wavelength as I did with Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, I have decided not to put so much effort into trying with Xavier. Is either you have chemistry or you don't. And I guess our chemistry will never be there. So will just leave it as it is and be friends. 

Peter Wittendorp Smses to me.....

These SMSes were referring to the conversation we had when Peter Wittendorp told me he had agreed to let 'her' check his phone and computer anytime she wanted to do so. I remember clearly as I was driving and when I heard what he told me I was very upset and angry and I cut off our conversation. Subsequently, he tried to call back several times, but I never answered as I was trying to control my tears and was super angry.

He also told me that he told her that he had to inform me of his decision too as he felt I needed to know. Honestly I was confused why I needed to know. I asked him did he want me to stop texting him, if so, just tell me there and then. I further ask him did he want our friendship to end? He said no. But I told him, she would eventually requests that he gave up our friendship as the next step. Might as well end it now (n that was when I put down the phone, he called back several times and subsequent messages as follows)

By the time I calmed down enough and called him back, it was around late afternoon as I was leaving office. He told me he just called to tell her (his wife) that his phone was his privacy and he wouldn't let her check and read the messages. At least that was what he told me over the phone. Of course, I was happy when I heard that but I was also confused why he was willing to do that for me.
Sometimes his actions confused me. Anyway, it was the past. I'm writing it down now because I'm experiencing a flashed back and only by writing it down I can expunge any feelings arising from this flashed back.

I swear that was the conversation we had. I will only write facts and the truth even if the truth hurts me. Only the truth will set me free. What people think of me after reading about my experienced with Peter Wittendorp I don't care. If I care, I wouldn't had posted so much. I didn't do it to revenge. I did it because I want to stop feeling victimised.

No one will understand how I felt for the past 1 year when I was struggling to regain my core self. Anyway, there will be more posts to come.

Dino, my good friend

Lately, I chatted more frequently with an old friend of mine whom I have known for 15 years. I nicknamed him Dino and had also wrote about him in the past in a few of my posts. I never thought that we are still friends after all these years, especially after what happened during our last met up in SG about 10 years or so ago (SG is a curse for me. PERIOD). We actually lost touched for a few years until Dino reached out to me again. I was surprised that he still has my mobile number after all these years. I have been using the same number for over 15 years. But that doesn't mean everyone will keep my number. Anyway I'm glad and happy he did.

Since then we stayed in touch, but not as frequently as the past 1 year. He was my 1st crush in my mid 20s. Yup! When I was still young and innocent. Haha. Oops, he will probably says he won't use innocent to describe me (many friends had told me that. haha). I was inexperienced back then as I just joined the real estate industry and hadn't achieved anything big yet although I was doing decently well financially.  And I was also a rising star in the old company. I never thought Dino would be attracted to me, let alone flirted with me during our few days conference. He lives in HCMC and still is. But we haven't seen each other since the incident in SG that happened at least a decade ago.

I invited him to come to KL to visit me numerous time, but he never did although he said he would. So I just leave it. If he ever makes it to KL, that will be great. If he doesn't, is ok too. So what were chatting about? Some unimportant stuffs. I told him I was feeling tired and needed a massage badly. And as usual, when I chatted with people who are on the same wavelength as me, conversation just flow easily and filled with jokes and laughters. I don't ask a lot from my friends or even the man I like, I just want to experience a connection with them. But I realise it is getting harder to come by nowadays.

I'm a certified sapiosexual (another post for this topic 😜). I asked Dino if he heard of this word before and he said no and asked me what it means? I explained to him and I have yet to hear back from him. Which is usual as sometimes we ended our chats without a goodbye. Haha. When I was super busy, I didn't even bother to reply him at all and vice versa. I'm cool with it as we are just good friends and nothing more. Therefore no expectations at all. Both of us are grateful and glad that we are still good friends after all these years. He hurt me too, but he apologised in person and explained to me why he did what he did and I forgave him after his honest confession. It happened a long time ago and although I can still remember the details, but I will not bring up the incident anymore as it was the past.

All I want to say is that I'm happy to have Dino as a friend and after all these years are friendship is still alive and active. I enjoy his friendship and hope it will last till our death. Haha. I will tell him this tomorrow and see what he has to say. Is always nice to have someone who can read my mind and also flirt tastefully. Haha.

Till the next update.....

Friend Zone with Chris

Yesterday afternoon I dropped Chris a message to tell him that I just want us to be friend and nothing more. I also told him I don't enjoy flirting with him anymore hence this part is out of the picture. I gave him the choice to choose if he still wants to be friend with me or not. And I just heard back from him and he said yes.

He thought I didn't want to flirt with him was because he couldn't keep up the flirting/lovership. I told him nothing to do with him. It is me. What I want now is to focus on my business and myself. I'm not in the mood to play the lovership game especially when I don't feel an attraction toward Chris anymore. I get more adrenalin rush chasing my dream and business goals. 

Relationship and men are taking a very back seat at this moment. I need to focus all my energy, time, effort and attention to achieve another success story in the real estate industry. This is my final round returning to the corporate world and the real estate industry so I don't want to be distracted by someone like Chris whom I'm only interested to have as a friend. 

He said he is ok with he friend zone. I asked him does he thinks I care if he is ok with the friend zone or not??? Haha.....

Anyway, I know clearly what I want from a man now. If the man falls short, I will reevaluate and reconsider. I won't and don't put up with crap and I will not bite my tongue and hide my feelings. I will speak my mind and be direct. Chris said he prefers and likes my directness. Again, I don't care he likes/prefers or not. This is who I'm. 

Oh well.....glad that Chris is in the friend zone now.