I have changed

I have changed. The minute I sense negative vibes heading toward my direction, I will run the other way and stay away from the people who are oozing the negative vibes until it have passed. In the past, I would always be around to cheer up those people and absorbed some of their negative vibes, but not anymore. I do make an exception for a few close friends and family, but usually I will only put up with it for 2-3x max and after that I will just stay away from them until they have sorted out their own issues. I prefer to surround myself with people who are filled with positive vibes, a fighter, a doer and a goal getter!! I want to surround myself with people who don't curb my craziness or tell me that it is impossible to achieve my dreams and goals, but instead challenge me to set bigger goals and dreams than I dare to set! 

Nowadays, I will just listen and give my views 1-2x max and if the people still come back to me to whine and complain about the same topics/issues, I will tell just shut off and tell them to do what they feel is best for them. I don't allow myself to get suck into their dramas and problems anymore. In the past, I always felt that I should lent a helping hand or ears to people who need it and to cheer them up when they were unhappy and down, but not anymore!! I don't want to spend and invest my time and energy listening to whiners and complainers! I admit I have become more selfish!! 

I have also stop using the word "sorry" unless I really have to use it to apologise to someone. Previously I used it very loosely and always apologised even though I didn't do anything wrong. I apologised for voicing and sharing my feelings/thoughts/views when I shouldn't. But not anymore. The word "sorry" is uttered when it is absolutely necessary only!! Which isn't often. I will also not allow people to guilt trip me into apologising when I'm not wrong. In the past, I did that frequently because I was afraid of losing a particular person as I wanted him to in my life. And most of the time I didn't had to say "sorry", but I did just to appease him so that he wouldn't walk out of my life! Looking back now, I shouldn't had did what I did. It was a lesson and I became a changed person because of this particular person (Peter Wittendorp).

I called people out on their bullshit when I hear it especially when I'm the recipient of their crappy behaviour, actions and bullshit excuses/reasons/stories! My tolerant for bullshit is almost zero now. I prefer people who will give me their answers straight up without sugar coating so that I don't need to waste time guessing their meaning and intention. Gone are the days when I feel the need to take care and into consideration of their feeling. I'm only responsible for my own feelings and emotions. I'm not obligated and responsible to take care of other people feelings and emotions. And I will not be held accountable for other people decisions and actions. We are adults. We know what we are doing, how we are feeling, what we are thinking, who we are dealing with and why we allow it?? Hence we shouldn't blame other people for our decisions and actions irregardless how bad is the final outcome/result! I will not tolerate and allow anyone to shift the blame to me if the person has given me his/her consent or knowingly and actively  participate in a situation/relationship/lovership! 

I am sharing less about myself, especially my childhood as it was the past and I don't want to bring it up again as I keep moving forward in my life. Beside I don't want to explain to people why I disown my crazy mum repetitively. No I'm not ashamed of my childhood and upbringing, I just feel that it doesn't serves any purpose to share my childhood story with people as I'm not trying to gain sympathy from anyone. I just don't want to relive my childhood again and again. That's all. 

Last but not least, I find it easier to cut people out of my life nowadays. If people want to walkout of my life, the door is opened. I only request them to inform me of their decision and not ghost on me. I will not try to make anyone stay if they want to leave because if they want to stay they would have not leave in the 1st place. I will miss them (depending on who they are to me and how much I cherish and value them in my life), but I won't hold on them. People come and go in our life. Not all will make it until the end of my life journey. The earlier I accept this fact, the better it is for me. I used to think that if someone walkout of my life it means I wasn't lovable and worthy of having them in my life. But after last year experienced and my recent new found self, I realised and understand that my worthiness and lovability aren't tie to anyone, but myself! I need to learn to love myself wholeheartedly and see the value in myself even if other people fail to do so. My self worth and self love come from my self and no one else!! And no one can take those 2 things away from me if I hold firm to it! I have changed and still changing and is all for my own sake!! I just need to accept myself without a doubt and my life will be even more carefree than it is already! Haha!

We only have 1 life to live! So we should live it to the fullest without regrets!

Chris Friendship

Haven't been writing for almost 3 weeks now. Life is alright, nothing exciting happens yet. Chris is still around and we are still chatting, but I don't feel the sparks that I had when we first started chatting. There were times when I felt disconnected from him or didn't find him appealing at all. When that happened, I took a break and didn't reply his messages or took longer to reply. And to be honest I felt kinda good not chatting with him daily. Haha. I was actually feeling bored with him and I wanted to take a breather. I took the time off to sort out my feelings for him and I came to the conclusion that I only like him as a friend. Which is a good thing. I like and enjoy his friendship. Is carefree and relaxing. I don't feel cheese off if he doesn't reply my texts or call me. Beside, I don't feel the initial sparks for him anymore. Deep down in my heart I know clearly he will only be a friend (with benefits occasionally 😈🙈).

So all is good with Chris. Chatting with him is still fun (when I'm not feeling bored with him 😝) and interesting. And I'm definitely keeping my options open for now. I will hangout with men that intrigue and interest me so that I will know better what I want in a man and the type of relationship I want. At present, I'm not ready for anything serious. I just want to enjoy a carefree single life with zero dramas and no crazy and baseless accusations thrown at me. 

Hence thats's why I prefer to have Chris as a friend rather than a lover. No emotional attachment (I don't get attach to my friends), no expectations and no disappointments for sure. He told me he likes our connection and so do I 😄! I asked him what he likes about me? Is it my silliness? Haha. He told me he likes my spirit....my don't -give-a-fuck is a very attractive character 😛! Again, is my free spirited nature that he finds attractive. Is nice to know that I'm consistently being myself and living the life I want and desire at my own terms and conditions. Not giving a fuck is sexy and attractive! LOL!

Anyway, I will just enjoy my friendship with Chris.

Chris & I - Connection

Chris nailed how I feel about him and our connection..."The best bit is we are both comfortable with each other. It's like we've been intimate for a long time but everything is new and fresh. The best of both worlds". And I couldn't agree more with him.

Our meeting and connection were unexpected and it seemed like it just dropped from the sky! Haha. In the beginning I felt the need to find out everything about him and I was slightly unhappy when he didn't tell me what I wanted to know, but now I don't feel the need to know everything now. I feel that 1 day he will open up and share with me more about himself willingly. And beside, knowing him better won't change how I feel about him. I definitely think we can be good friends and even long-term part-time lover, but we won't be long term partners. I have a feeling I will be bored with him eventually. We are lacking the sparks ✨⚡️! 

But as a part-time lover, he is a good candidate. And I feel very comfortable around him, as if like I have known him for a very long time. Long lost friends and souls! Hahahaha! Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on our connection too much. Instead I will just enjoy it to the fullest and goes with the flow. Nowadays, I don't feel disappointed if I don't hear from him. I used to, especially in the beginning but not in the past 2 weeks. Maybe also because I have gotten use to his patterns. He doesn't disappear more than 1 week and he usually surface after 2-4 days and touch base again. He will check in intermittently and he always apologised for the radio silent. I'm cool with it. A healthy lovership doesn't needs daily chats. Space is good and beside he is just a part-time lover. I don't need him to check in daily.

As long as he doesn't ghost from this lovership without notice, I'm cool with our current communication style and part-time lovership. Beside I rather invest my time and energy into my business and career than on a part-time lover. I won't be a fool again. 2017 is a year of making a difference and living a life that is filled with interesting stories for me to write about 😂!  A happy and exciting life fill with adventures and new challenges. Hehe!

Loving Myself

Everyday I'm falling more and more in love with myself 😄! I love the face that is staring back at me when I look at the mirror. I can see the glow on my face that is being reflected back and I can see a smiling happy me 😁! My eyes are bright and alert, not tired and dull. I also love my body. Definitely not perfect, but I won't change a single thing. My body and my face are uniquely mine and if those don't know how to appreciate it, that's their problem. Not mine. I'm not going to change a single thing about me to please anyone or to fit into someone's image/ideal.

As I learn to love myself more, I also learn to walk away from people who don't love me for me! I'm embracing and celebrating my 40s'. Although I'm turning 42 years old August this year, I feel that my I'm still a big kid and definitely a free spirited woman! Haha.

I don't know what hit me, but as I stepped into 2017 I feel liberated and I'm determine to live my life differently from 2016. I still don't know how I'm going to achieve my financial goal, which is the biggest challenge I have set for myself to date, but I have a feeling I will be able to make my dream comes true. I have faith and confident in myself 😁😁!

I honestly don't need any validation from anyone anymore. As I grow to love myself more, I begin to truly see the beauty of myself thru my own eyes. I truly and fully understand now the meaning of loving ourselves because when we love ourselves wholeheartedly, we don't need any validation from anyone and we will feel even more secure and confident in who we are. I always know who I'm and confident with myself, but once a while I still like to get some assurance and validation. And like everyone else, I do feel insecure once a blue moon especially in a relationship or with men as I feel the need to hear them heaping compliments on me, but now I don't need it anymore. I'm still happy to receive compliments (who doesn't. haha), but I won't be hoping for it to make me feel accomplish and desirable.

I'm desirable in my own unique ways. As I have always said, I'm not everyone glass of wine 😛 or whisky! I have accomplished a lot by the aged of 35 and all through my own hard work hence I'm darn proud of myself. I had a lousy childhood, but it didn't bring me down. Whatever I have today, I work hard to earn it!

I love to be love by a man who truly loves all of me, but I need to learn how to love myself wholeheartedly and falling in love with myself on a daily basis. Trust me, when you love yourself it will shows on your face and you will be glowing and happy most of the time. At least I am 😁😁!

Anyway, I wish all you learn how to love and fall in love with yourself if you haven't yet. I promise you will not only see the transformation in your physical look, but you will also feel it from within. You will feel like you are on top of the world. Haha.

I love everything about myself and I'm falling in love with myself daily. I believe 1 fine day I will meet a guy who will love me wholeheartedly 😁!

Being Honest

I woke up this morning feeling a different kind of energy. I'm more determine than ever to live my life differently than 2016. I had been harbouring some disappointment for 1 of my best friend, Naomi, as she has been focusing too much on her relationship until the extend that when we went out she was anti-social and glued herself to her boyfriend like a koala bear hugging a tree. Her boyfriend is younger than her and he is slightly on the fleshy side, but nice guy. Her boyfriend is actually my friend and they met thru me. I'm happy for her that she met someone who loves her a lot, but I'm not too happy when she had to rush  off to be with him when she was spending time with me, especially when he was going to join us later for dinner 🙄! Beside that, she also broke her promised to go holiday with me, which I'm cool if she told me ahead of time instead of waited for me to ask her if our holiday was confirmed or not. I dislike her actions and behaviours, but I let it slide past me as I know how much she wants to have a boyfriend in her life. Before she started dating, she would reached out at least once a week to say hi and see how things were on my end and I did the same too. But after she started dating and became self-absorbed in her relationship, she stopped reaching out and I did the same too. I'm tired of being the one who always reach out. A healthy friendship is 2 ways traffic where both people contribute the same amount of effort, time and energy. 

I'm not the only one who noticed the changes in Naomi. A few of our mutual friends (again she met them thru me) who had been hanging out with her and her bf (he worked for 1 of my good friend's company) also commented that when they went out dinner and drinking, Naomi would become jealous if the bf talked to other women (for biz purpose) and requested to leave early. They asked me why she became so uncool? I told them I don't know to be honest. I really wanted to let her be, but I know that if I don't tell her how I feel I will start to distance away from her and in the end we won't be best friend anymore. I know I'm taking a risk by being honest and open with her as she might be pissed off and upset with me, but is a chance an risk I'm willing to take. At least I'm being honest with my best friend and how she choose to deal with what I told her is strictly her decision. I have no say in it. But as she is my best friend, I choose not to hide my thinking and feeling from her, but rather be upfront and honest.

Today I sent a few WhatsApp messages to people I care and cherish, to thank them for being in my life and tolerating my flaws and faults. I appreciate their presence in my life and I know I can always count on these group of friends when I need their help and support without questions ask. I feel really good to be able to pour out my thoughts and feelings to people without worrying about repercussion. And I sincerely value their friendship. These are people I can trust without a doubt! I don't need a large group of friends, I just need to be surrounded by the right kind of friends and my life will be richer 😀! 

I still have a few more people to thank and voice my appreciation and I will do that in the next few days. I will update once I hear from Naomi. I hope I don't lose her as a friend, but I'm prepared. So wish me luck! Haha.  Ciao for now!