I am stress......

and I don't want to admit it but I have to. Mainly is because I'm worry about my finances. Arrggghhhhh, the mother of all my major migraines!! My stupid property in Ipoh is draining my bank account. Sucking my money. Is like throwing it in a black hole and never able to get any returns for it!! I wouldn't be stressed if it isn't for this particular property. I'm at my wit's end with this shitty property. All I want is to get rid of it so that it won't drain my bank account anymore. I'm going to lose at least RM600k for selling this property at way below my purchasing price. Sigh!!! Is painful and the biggest loses I will be incurring to date! Never ever invest in a market that I'm not familiar at all.

Anyway, I can't turn back the clock so not going to beat myself up for investing in the wrong property as I never know it will be this bad. Now my focus is just cutting the losses by disposing of it soonest possible!! Once I get rid of this blood sucking property, my finances will be at least back to a manageable level. I'm stuck left and right at this moment. I'm not poor, but just cashless. Haha!

So to unwind, I'm drinking wine at 3.30pm local time! My mind can't think anymore. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind at this moment. Hehe.

I'm also stress because of work. Is always a challenge when I start on a new path and direction in business. Sometimes I have doubts too if what I'm doing will yield me results. I can only share with a handful of people because not many understand my ideas and plans. Is always hard trying to carve a niche market. It can succeed and it can fail too, but I have to give it a try. I have to keep believing and thinking that eventually I will succeed. There is no turning back. Just keep pushing forward. Presently I can't predict the results yet and couple with the stress over finances, I'm going almost bonkers. Arrgghhhh.......

Oh well.....after a glass of wine and some junk food, I'm feeling better and doing my best not to over stress myself. Life has a funny way of straightening out things if I allow it to flow naturally. Everything has it owns course to run. Sometime I can't just rush it even if I want to. Believe and think positive are the only ways to minimise and manage my stress.

Anyway, hope you guys have a good day 😁!

Compliments from Chris

Captain Cool @ Chris told me he finds me sexy and attractive in more than 1 way......out of the blue on a Thursday afternoon when I didn't expect a text from him. It definitely made my day. I asked him what about me he finds sexy and attractive. He said the fact that I'm self made in the business world and I embrace and celebrate my sexuality 😁😍! Is nice to know that he isn't only attracted to me physically and sexually but also mentally. He was the 1st one to tell me that me being successful is sexy. Haha. Never crossed my mind that being successful can also be deemed sexy! Anyway is always nice to receive unsolicited compliments. But I don't take it seriously. I mean I just treated it as a compliment and nothing more.

Chris also told me that he feels comfortable with me which he had told me many times. I felt the same too. Again not reading anything more into what he said to me. Frankly, I don't trust men anymore except my male friends that I have known for a super long time and they have consistently shown me that their actions matched their words. Otherwise, whatever come out of a man's mouth is just a bunch of sweet talking bullshit! Once burnt, twice shy! (my unforgettable experienced with Peter Wittendorp)

Even though Chris hasn't done anything for me not to trust him, but doesn't mean I should trust his words blindly. Words are meaningless without actions to back it up. If it is meaningless why should I take it so seriously. Right?

Anyway, I think Chris is an ok guy to have as a friend.

Unblocked and Random Thoughts about Peter Wittendorp

 have unblocked Peter Wittendorp from my phone because to keep unblocking him means I still haven't move on yet. There is no need to block him as I'm 1000% certain that he will never ever call me even the day he dies and our path will not cross again. When I blocked him, I will still see his number and I don't want that. I deleted his number, hence I won't see it on my phone book anymore. But unfortunately his number is still seared in my memory. I forgot a lot of things, but forgetting his number isn't one of the item. Sigh....I guess I have to take longer to forget his number. 

Anyway, I had subjected myself to some tests last 2 weeks when his name started to pop into my mind again and I'm happy to declare that I feel calm and peaceful. I don't feel the desire to lash out or curse him anymore. I did that a lot in the past year when I wrote posts about him on this blog. To be honest, I forgot about 800% of the contents of my posts I wrote about him and  recently I did read back a particular post simply because that particular post "Memories with Peter Wittendorp" had been widely read in the past 1.5 weeks by visitors to my blog. I was curious why it was so popular and when I read back the post it was about our happy days in Hong Kong in end of March 2015. We stayed in the Pottinger Hotel in Central and a walking distance to his HK office. It was the side of him I loved the most - the big kid side. 

I didn't feel sad reading the post or regret that I actually flew to HK to meet him on his request. It was part of the entire memories he gave me (the good, the bad and the ugly). I didn't forget the bad feelings and vibes he gave me, but I'm emotionally stronger now so I'm able to control and keep the negative thoughts at bay. My heart and mind are finally in sync and I'm happy that I'm no longer rule by my heart, but rather by my mind. I'm feeling nonchalant when his name popped into my mind. Or maybe his name has never left my mind even when I have Chris and others to occupy my thoughts and time. 

I know 1 day his name will no longer lives in my mind, but for now I have to accept the fact that it still does. Is ok. I just need more time to rid him from my mind. I'm not him so I don't have the ability to just block and erase someone from my life and treat that person as non existence in my life before. I'm sure that is what he is doing to remove me from his mind. He has always been good at blocking and deleting. 

Anyway, what he chooses to do is none of my business. I have chosen a path of no u-turn when I decided to write about him on my blogs. I knew it would end our connection and we will never ever be in each other life again. I don't regret what I did because it was the only option I could think of at that time to stop myself from spiralling further into despair, heart brokenness, hopelessness and longing. I wasn't emotionally and mentally as strong as I'm now. If I was, perhaps I might not made such a drastic, irreversible and damaging decision. Who knows? 

We always joked that no matter how hard we tried, we wouldn't be able to kill our connection, but haha.....we managed to do it when we both contributed our own poison pills. Anyway......he was a lesson I needed whether I wanted it or not. I have learned so much more about myself  - the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me. So looking on a positive side, it wasn't a total lost for me. Haha.

Ok....ending this post now. It was supposed to be a short post, but again another long post and I side tracked too. As usual and typical me. Haha! Happy Sunday everyone!

p.s. His birthday is on the 12 of this month. Turning 51. 

My Happy Smile

If someone would to ask me what I love the most about myself, I will answer MY HAPPY SMILE 🤓😁! I look so radiant, cheerful and alluring. When I laugh, it is genuine and my face will just lit up. Haha! I know I might come across vain to people, but I do believe I look gorgeous when I smile 😝! To be honest, when my mood was gloomy I would looked at my photos and when I saw my own happy smiling face smiling back at me, I would feel happy again. My photos remind me of who I'm, the life I have and how bless I'm. But most important of all, it reminded me that I look and feel the best when I'm smiling happily! And I do love to smile and laugh as often and as much as possible because smiling and laughing do chase away my moodiness!!

I chose this particular pic because I look cute with the fake glasses. I look nerdy and happy 🤣🤣! I feel being drawn to this photo for some reason. Lol! When I forgot how to smile (it happened sometimes), the above pic would remind me how to smile and why I should smile because I look pretty and glowing. Haha.

Below is another smiling pic, but my favourite is still the one above. Hehe! Anyway, sending a big happy smile to all my readers! Cheers 😁!

Am I Happy??

A question I have been asking myself a fair bit lately? To be honest, I don't have a firm and clear answer for myself. Haha. I'm not sad or unhappy, that I'm certain. Although I laugh less now, but I'm still carefree and I still had a great time when I went out with my brother or friends. I still smile every morning when I look at myself in the mirror. Haha. That's how I always start my day irregardless of the time I woke up - giving myself a big smile to start my day 😁!

I'm feeling a tad restless because I haven't figure out how to achieve my financial goal yet. It is a tall order and some days I have doubt if I'm able to pull it off. Then I will remind myself that if I want it badly enough and believe in myself, I will achieve it. I just need to be patient, stay true to the path and I will get there. Just a matter of timing. But because I'm ambitious, I want to see immediate result! Haha! So now I'm learning to take it easy and trust that things will fall into place at the right timing. I know I can do it when I put my mind to it!

So am I happy with my life? I can't say I'm not happy, I just feel that I can improve it further. I'm still learning, adapting an accepting the changes I'm experiencing in me. Some days I feel frustrated as my mind won't allow me to dwell into my emotions as I don't know when I became so good at blocking my own thoughts! Haha! Instead of over-thinking, I just allow myself to go with the flow and handle challenges/obstacles as objectively and calmly as possible. I have also learned that I don't need to have the last word for every argument and I don't need to react to every situation. Basically I have learned how to control my reactions to people actions! Which makes my life more peaceful and I feel less agitated or annoyed. Haha. So I guess this indirectly makes me a bit more happy as I don't need to deal with unnecessary dramas!

As I write this post, I might have found the answer to my own question! I'm as happy as I can be and there are room to increase my happiness quotient. I have to accept the fact that I still need time to heal and get over my broken heart. And I definitely need to find more adrenaline rush activities to do/accomplish so that I will continue living my life as colourful and robust as possible. I need to stabilise my financial so that I will have more $$$ to pursue my adventures 😁! I think 1 of the main reason I'm not as happy as I should is because I still need to get out of a few financial shit hole that I put myself in. Once I resolve those financial issues, I will be more free to pursue my personal adventures. The freedom to pursue my adventures will definitely put a big 🤣 on my face and makes me happier. I have learned that I can't rely on people to make me happy, but I have to make myself happy. Relying on people to make me happy is as good as giving them a free pass to control my life and be at their mercy! My own happiness is solely my own responsibility!

Anyway, in conclusion I'm as happy as I can be at this present moment. I hope to increase and improve my happy quotient as I go along. I hope that 1 day I can feel my heart give me a big 🤣 and when I feel that I know I have truly achieve happiness from within! I know my  heart will smile for me 1 day soon 😂!

I wish everyone of you find your own happiness! Cheers!