Negative feelings for Chris

My feeling for Chris has turned negative lately. Why? Because his actions such as MIA and taking long time to reply my WhatsApp reminded me too much of Peter Wittendorp. The similarities are just too hard for me to miss and ignore especially when it brought back the same negative feelings and vibes I felt when I was with Peter. I pulled myself out of the rut and still recovering, I really don't want to go through it again. Is not worth it! I don't even love Chris and we are just FWB. I really don't want to put myself through it again so I took a drastic move,  delete Chris number from my handphone. 

This way I feel like I'm cutting off my connection to him. I actually feel good doing so because I don't feel obligated to reply to him. I actually don't miss him as I used to. I don't enjoy the negative feeling I'm feeling because of his shitty behaviours and I don't want to explain to him or ask him to change. He is being himself and beside he is nobody to me except FWB. So cutting tie to him and walking away is an easy task. Cleaner.

I did considered telling him how his shitty behaviours made me feel, but at the end I decided not to because he isn't important to me. So don't bother to waste my breath. I don't know if he will still reach out to me, my guess is he will in a couple of days as he always does after a long stretch of silence from my end or his end. Anyway, whether he reaches out or not, my interests in him is nil now. I have decided I will delete his message without reading it because it will be the same old same old. Apology for MIA on me, long silent and admission he is an ass. I heard it too many times until I couldn't feel touched by his apology anymore. I have enough and I don't want it anymore.

Anyway, is actually nice to cut off people who don't value my friendship. I will only give my time to people who deserve it. I have learned my lesson and I won't hesitate to severe friendship or cut ties when they don't add to my happiness quotient. For the past 2-3 months Chris failed to add to my happy quotient so it isn't a loss to let him go. Sayonara. 

Depression

Tonight I decided to write about this topic because I have a good friend who has depression and another good friend's youngest son is experiencing it too. It is a common mental health issue that all of us will experience some point in our life journey. I don't think anyone can claim they don't have depression. It is nothing to be ashamed off to admit that we have depression. Life can be very stressful at times and when life becomes too overwhelming we lost control of our emotions. Some of us are luckier that we can recover from depression quickly or by ourselves, but some aren't so lucky to be able to fight off the dark mood. I had been there personally and it was caused by Peter Wittendorp. The feared of losing him sent me on a downward spiral for 1 week in April 2014. I cried daily and I didn't had appetite to eat. My friends were worried about me as they had never seen me like that. But I was very lucky to have them by my side as they gave me their time to talk and listen to me. They reminded me of my worth, my strengths and my attractiveness. They helped me to put things in perspectives and understanding that I didn't do anything wrong that would caused Peter to walkout of my life. And even if he did walked out, I would still be okay as I have always been more than okay without him in my life.

But at that very moment, I lost sight of all my achievements and all I could think of was to be with Peter Wittendorp. It was silly and stupid of me and I was seriously depressed for 1 week when I thought he was going to disappear from my life again. I didn't tell Peter what happened to me as I didn't want to scare him away. Until today he didn't know at all unless he reads this post. And honestly it doesn't matter if he knows or not. Is irrelevant now.

Since I had a short bout of depression, I can relate and understand how it feels. Each person deals with depression differently and some need treatment and medication to make them feel better. 1 of my best friend he has it and he has to see doctor and take medication to help him feels better. His depression was mainly caused by work stress and pressure. He was unhappy working in the company, but because of the need to earn a living he stayed in the job. He fought with the GM, who happened to a bitchy woman who didn't like my friend from day 1 hence she planned and plotted on how to get rid of my friend. And she succeeded because my friend wasn't being careful with his words and actions. She managed to got him fired on some stupid ground. Anyway long story short, he hasn't been himself since then. He isn't working at this moment and when I called him he didn't answer my calls unless I sent him an ultimatum. I  don't know how to help him as he isn't willing to open up to me unless I forced it out of him. I can't keep doing that and I don't want to keep doing that as I know it doesn't helps to make him feel better. He knows himself fairly well. So I hope he will snap out of it soon. 

Another depression story I heard is a good friend's youngest teenage son. His son had always been an A-student throughout most of his school life and when he experienced low grade during his university time he couldn't except the failure and from there he just went downward spiral and didn't want to continue his study. He became aggressive, withdrawn and moody. Video games is his escape and he told his parents that he just want to play video game for the rest of his life and nothing else. He even had attempted to jump down from their condo balcony, but his parents managed to convince  him not to do it. 

His mum is a tiger mum who has a high expectation of him hence it puts more pressure on him  and drive him further into his shell. But his dad, who is a good friend of mine just want his son to be happy and out socialising so that he doesn't hide in the home and play video games only. So he had a father and son talk and he told his son if he study hard and earn good salary he has the freedom to do whatever he wants. And the word freedom was the breakthrough and his son decided to enrol himself in a local university. He even acknowledged he has mental issues and would like to understand himself better. Hence he enrolled in psychology subjects.

Everyone going through depression has different ways to deal with it and the treatment for depression varies from person to person. What is important is to acknowledge we have depression and seek help actively. Is nothing to be ashamed off to have depression. Is part and parcel of our life journey. 

I'm lucky because I'm a very positive and strong person so with good friends helped and support I was able to pull myself out of the sink hole. No man is worth me sacrificing my health for him no matter how much I might love him. And I loved Peter Wittendorp with all my heart. I did. Anyway is history.

So for those who is going through depression don't hide yourself, but instead try to talk to someone and always focus on the positive. Temporary setback in life is not the end of the world. Remind yourself that no matter how tough your life is now, it will pass. I know it is easier to say than to do it, but you have to try. You never know what is just around the corner. Tune your mind to focus on happy thoughts and memories. Don't let your mind to play tricks on you. Don't dwell in negative thoughts. Life is beautiful and colorful. Don't miss out on it! 

I wish those who are experiencing depression now to recover and pull themselves out of the rut soon. 

My last night make-up look

Just sharing some photos of my last night make-up look before I went to Arena Bar grand opening. I love my own smile. Everytime I'm unhappy and sad I will look at my smiling photos to remind me that my life is good and I should continue to smile and stay positive. I hope my smile will also be able to cheer up some of you who aren't feeling too good about life at this moment. A reminder to all of us that no matter how tough is our life, we must remember to smile as it helps to make us feel better about ourselves and give us hope that the next best thing is just around the corner.

Anyway, which everyone a good Sunday and a great work week ahead! Cheerios.....

Feeling Disconnected from Chris

I'm not feeling the connection to him anymore. And I really don't know what we have between us that he likes. To me there is nothing between us. How can there be anything between us when he doesn't check up on me daily or take a keen interest in my life. Seriously, I'm tired of getting his apology every few days with the same excuses. Is like groundhog week! But I will give him credit where is due.....he always apologise when he went silent too long. Not sure is that good or bad, but at least he admitted he is being an ass.

If I was still the old me before my painful experienced with Peter Wittendorp, I would have been happy to read all his sweet words and apology. But nowadays I don't fall for sweet words anymore. I watch their actions. If the actions don't match the words then those words are just BS and not worth to be taken seriously at all. I have learned and accepted the fact that people give time to whoever they want. Busy is just the lamest excuse and BS to use when we don't want to reply to someone. We give time to who we want to give time too. To tell me that he likes what we are having (which I don't know what is it), but can't even allocate 5-10mins of his time to chat with me daily then how can he said he likes what we have!! There is nothing to like at all. At least for me there is nothing to like!

I'm not unhappy or upset. I'm just letting it be and let him do whatever he wants. I really don't like to force interactions anymore especially if it isn't given freely from the other party. I enjoyed chatting with him, but that doesn't mean I will put up with his sporadic appearances. The pattern is so obvious and it really reminded me of Peter Wittendorp pattern too. I had enough of Peter Wittendorp, I don't want history to repeat itself again with Chris. If Chris doesn't puts in effort and time, don't expect me to do the same. And apology doesn't makes things right when the same shit happened on a regular basis (MIA).

Anyway, if Chris wants to ghost I won't stop him or reach out to ask him not to. I let him do whatever he wants to do and I do whatever I want. Like I told him in my above WhatsApp chat, I stay away because I don't like the long silent and the sporadic chats. So instead of asking him to change his pattern, I chose to stay away as it is easier for me to control my own actions than his. Once I have learned to accept people for who they are and how they behave with each person, I realised the best way to deal with a situation is to decide what I should do and don't instead of asking the other person to do what I want them to do. Anything that is force or demand out from the other person isn't something I want to receive. It makes me feel like I'm desperate and begging, which I'm neither. I had enough of such feeling when I was with Peter Wittendorp to last me forever. I won't subject myself to such feelings anymore with anyone no matter how much I like the person be it a man or woman.

I respect people who are blunt and upfront with me rather than those that keep giving me excuses for their shitty actions and apologised for it later just so they can restart it again! So what am I going to do with Chris? Nothing. I give up on him already. I'm feeling disconnected from him at this moment and it doesn't matters to me if he stays in touch or not. I don't feel his presence in the past few weeks, which makes it so much easier for me to decide to stay away from him.

Until now I still haven't received any of his reply to my last message (above). Is his pattern and that is why I don't feel like replying him as I did expect a courtesy reply. Oh well, I couldn't be bothered by the lack of it. I have tons of things to do.

Subject close for now!

Current thoughts about Peter Wittendorp

I just read back some of the old SMSes and I was very tempted to post all of it on my blog for everyone to read and to know that all the things I wrote about Peter Wittendorp were the truth and I didn't make it up. But then I told myself don't do it, don't go down the dark path again. I'm actually glad that I wrote down most of my feelings and thoughts that I had for him in the past because it helps to stop me from doing something crazy like posting our past SMSes and WhatsApp chats. If I didn't delete most of it when he asked me to, I would had more left with me. After all, we communicated almost daily for 2 years. 

I know I shouldn't miss him, but I do. I missed our connection and laughter, but I can't forget the pain and hurt he inflicted on me. Deep down I know clearly we are so over for this lifetime and it did made me a tad sad especially when my life gets too overwhelming and I will think of him. And it makes me even sadder when I know I don't cross his mind anymore. I'm just a stranger to him now. Someone he will do everything to forget and erase from his mind. I can guess what he is thinking. 

Some days I wished he was still in my life and I had the guts to express my feeling for him openly rather than deny and hide it as I did. I should had been stronger and not looked back when I walked away from him. I shouldn't had fell in love with him. There are just too many I shouldn't......I'm not obsessed with him, but I certainly missed him. I just don't know why I missed him or maybe I do, but I'm not actively trying to figure out the answer. 

I just want to forget him like he is forgetting me. I just want to forget everything that reminds me of him. At this moment I wish I was the bad and crazy woman he accused me to be because then I will do everything to hurt him in order to heal myself and I will continue to post all undeniable and indisputable proofs of how he pursued me and the lied he told me. I'm tempted to do it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't hurt him in such a manner. Writing about him is 1 thing because those are just all my words. But posting all those proofs are a different thing all together. I'm not a revengeful person. Most of the time I just acted without thinking, but not anymore. 

I know he has moved on and deleted me from his mind and I should do the same too. I will.....I'm working on it and I will get there soon. I never thought it would take me this long to forget him. Sigh........

Anyway, I'm mentally exhausted from work and etc. I want to zzz now so stopping here.

Goodnite world!!

Funky Sunglasses

Trying on some cool and funky sunglasses launched by a girl friend and her partner. The brand is from Korea. Had quite a fair bit to drink and now tired and tipsy. Wanted to buy a pair, but unfortunately they sold out the design I wanted and left the displayed one only. So I didn't buy as I don't like to buy display item. Oh well, at least I got to try on and took some pictures. Haha

Never easy...

Sometimes it is not easy to openly write about my thoughts and feelings because I'm exposing myself without censor and showing the world my weaknesses and vulnerability. Is scary sometimes, but I still choose to do it because writing is a good outlet for me to address my thoughts and feelings without loading unto someone. It helps me to see things more clearly when I write it down. It also helps me to release my pent up emotions. Beside, writing down my thoughts and feelings allow me to read back about things and feelings I might have forgotten as time passed. For instance, recently I read back a couple of my old posts I wrote about Peter Wittendorp and I could sensed my anger being projected onto my writing which still lives on in my posts even though now I'm not angry and hurt anymore. Thats why I know my heart has healed. Just my mind still doesn't wants to fully let go of him, which I really don't understand why?? Maybe because the way we ended our friendship was abrupt and with lots and lots of bad feelings, accusation and name calling. I didn't get a proper civilised closure and ending to us!! Is much harder to forget and make the mind stop thinking when I still have questions that I'm still hoping to find the answers although I know clearly I will never be able to get any answers from him until the day I die.

Sometimes it is definitely easy to think negatively of Peter Wittendorp because it helps me to erase him from my mind quicker. I just read an article on Harvard Business Review and it said that the mind will replay the event until we learn something from it before we can let go. I wonder is this why he still lives in my mind......because I haven't finish learning the lesson! Hmmmm.........I wonder what are the remaining lesson I have to learn because I thought I have finish learning. Most of the time he only pops into my mind during this ungodly hour before I sleep and my mind quiet down after a full day of thinking and strategising. 

I am honest when I said I don't feel anything for him when I think of him. It is a strange feeling because every time I tried to pinpoint a feeling I drew blank. And this is why I couldn't figure out why he still pops into my mind. It shouldn't be the case anymore especially when I don't feel any single emotion for him. It is really not easy to get rid of him from my mind entirely, but I hope very soon he will be gone without a trace. I seriously don't want to waste my head space for him, a stranger. 

Anyway, I don't have a choice but accept the fact that I need to be patient with my mind and let it takes care of itself. I'm sure when the time is right, the name Peter Wittendorp will become a distant memory and will cease its existence in my mind. But until that day comes, I just have to tolerate it for now. Something just can't be rushed......

Confessions

Peter Wittendorp still lives in my mind. Not my heart for sure. But my mind yes as I still think of him daily. I'm not sure why is this happening because I'm very confident that I don't feel anything for him anymore. I don't hate him and I don't like him either. I couldn't like him after all the things he did to break my heart. I'm speculating why my mind is still thinking of him, maybe because I'm not 100% ready to forge him yet. I know I should, but I do miss some of our happier times, silly conversations, multiple and long calls and even video chat. I miss a person who managed to connect with me so well. But then at the same time I still feel like a fool for trusting and allowing him to use me to fill his time!

Some days I wished I was a super bitch and a bad woman because then I will have no qualms to post all our SMSes that I still keep and write about him in details. I do know quite a lot about him, his life and his past relationships/exes, his fantasies, his goals, his parents and siblings, children and others. I'm not kidding when I said I wished I was a bad woman and a super bitch!! But too bad I'm not, although he thinks I'm! Otherwise he wouldn't accused me of all the things that happened to him without any evidence. And even if he can produce some sort of evidence, how would I know it ain't fake? Anyway, he is allowed to think whatever he wants about me. If it makes him sleep and feel better at night by believing that I'm a bad and crazy woman, then let it be. I don't feel the need to defend myself against his baseless and ridiculous accusation. As I had wrote in my past posts if he had no qualms cooking up story about his wife cheating on him so that he could cheat with me, what stops him from cooking up story about me right?? 

If I'm to take a wild guess about 1 of his regrets in life, it would be his lying and cheating. He definitely thinks I'm the mistake and he shouldn't had walked back into my life. He will also says that he doesn't knows who I'm anymore. Likewise, I don't know who is Peter Wittendorp anymore? I thought I did, but now I don't. The moment he confessed to me he lied to me my world went topsy turvy!! Suddenly I questioned everything he ever told me. I felt really really like a stupid fool!! Anyway that were all the past so I will not drag it up again. 

I couldn't bring myself to destroy him with the SMSes (with his number shown) between us and show the world another side of him that not many people saw. I don't want to show the world in black and white that he is a hypocrite. I may write a lot of posts bashing him which I know I shouldn't do irregardless how valid is my reason for doing so. I'm not defending my action, but I'm admitting that I shouldn't have bashed him. 

I need an outlet to vent my feelings and emotions openly. I don't want to bottle up and I want to share with people my story because I know there are many women and even men out there who could be in the same shoes as me, past and present. When people tell me what I did isn't write and morally wrong, I will ask them who set the rules and why should I follow and conform to society unwritten rules and unreasonable expectations. I'm living my life for myself and no one else.

Like I said, by not posting the proofs to prove my claims that he was an asshole, a liar and cheater, he can disputes everything I have written and says I'm crazy. Am I really crazy??? hahahaha.....maybe!! 

At 1 stage I felt so lucky to have him loved me and in my life, but now I don't think so. I can't feel lucky to be loved by a man not only lied to me, but also accused me of something heinous that I didn't do at all! Anyway, I need to stop dragging up the past 😊 and start learning how to get him out of my mind for good. I think I need a bit more time to erase him from my mind. I'm not sure if I will ever forget him, but I definitely would want to get him out of my mind. I really do.

I used to wish that I still crossed his mind and 1 day he will just send me a text with the 3 words..."I am sorry", but deep down I know that day will never happen as long as I live! Breaking up with him, not having him in my life didn't hurt as much as he believed I am an evil person and the accusation he threw at me. Yes, I'm unable to get over his accusation, but I managed to find peace and accepted that's the fact so I don't feel sad and hurt anymore. My wound has healed and now I just need to rid of him from my mind. 

We are stranger again after 10 years. A decade and it was over in a blink of an eye. I was already in his mind since the day we met 10 years ago, but because of a lied our connection and friendship ended. I'm the victim in all this mess and I had to shoulder it all on my own. Oh well, that were all my confessions for tonight. I'm sleepy so crashing now.

Goodnite world!

I care less......

...about how what they are feeling, how I make them feel, what they think or how they think and etc. I don't put in too much time and effort to try to figure or find out their feeling and thinking. If they want to tell me, I will listen BUT the moment I sense any negative vibes from them I will shutdown and stay clear. I have learned not to absorb negative vibes/energy and also not to waste my time trying to cheer up anyone like I used to do in the past. I allow them to go through their own emotion/feeling and to sort it out themselves. They aren't my responsibility and I won't make it mine because we are all adults and we should be responsible for our own feelings and actions.

Caring less is actually helping me to see people without an idea of who they should be in my mind, but rather let them be who they are, their true self. Nowadays when 1 of my BFF told me she doesn't mind tolerating and putting up with her psychotic husband verbal abuse so that her family will still be intact and her kids still have a father, I told her I don't agree with her decision, but I will respect it. I told her as long as she is happy in this kind of arrangement, who am I to judge and advice  differently. She knows best what is good for her, her kids and family. I don't. In the past I will tell her to leave her psycho husband, which she did for many times but always accepted him back with open arms. Every single time she did that in the past, it made me slightly pissed off at her as I found her weak and needy. However, after my experience with Peter Wittendorp, I told myself to let people be who they are and don't interfere with their decision because I will never get a thank you for trying to help, but instead I might get a curse from them! Beside, I'm really tired of becoming their sounding board because they sound like a broken record.

So when I care less about other people, I gain more time for myself and fill my life with positive energy. After the highly dramatic and energy draining lovership/friendship with Peter Wittendorp, I surrender!! And finally, I stop caring who stays in my life and who leaves because I have no control over their choice and I DEFINITELY don't want to force them to stay. I'm not a beggar, I don't want to beg for people to be my friends, stay in my life or love me. If they want to leave by all means. And once they leave I will delete their contact and their existence in my life. If only I did that to Peter Wittendorp previously instead of giving him so many chances, I wouldn't had to experience a heartbreak, emotional roller coaster, being called a cunt/bitch and most important of all I wouldn't be wrongly accused! He thought he was smart and knew everything, but did he??

If he was smart and fair, he wouldn't jump to conclusion and threw accusation at me. There are always more than 1 story within a story. Sometimes when the memories flashed back, it still got to me because until today I still can't 100% accept the fact that his dark side could be so mean, harsh and cold. It was like he turned into a monster that had no conscience and feeling. So dark and scary. I'm not going to think about it because it might upset me.

Anyway, caring less is also a good thing as it helps to reduce my stress level. When I care less I can truly live my life at my own terms and conditions. Sure, I will lose some people who don't enjoy the new me, but is ok.

OK have to stop here as I can't keep my eyes open anymore....Sayonara and Goodnite everyone!

Ignoring the best response

You know, in the past I would have responded to any comments and retaliate back if someone does me wrong either in actions or words or both. But not anymore. I have changed and I don't feel there is a need to react to anyone and everything. In fact the best response to a ludicrous situation/remark/comment/accusation is not to engage with the other person. Walking away from commenting or taking action is not only an act of maturity but also to show the other person that I will not stoop to this person lowly behaviour. 

I'm proud of my self-control and my ability to shut out all the external noises. I have always admit that my life isn't perfect, but at least it is an open life. I didn't hide who I'm and I didn't lie to someone with the intention of hurting that person. I had said it many times. If I want to write about someone, I will write it openly like what I have been doing in this blog of mine. If I have done something wrong, I will admit it liked I did when Peter Wittendorp asked me about the Pinterest incident. And yes, I still have a board with all pins dedicated to Peter Wittendorp and name after his name. I never hide it. I cursed and shamed him in my blog through the numerous posts I wrote about him. I can do more harm to his image if I want to, but I choose not to do so. Not because I'm afraid of him or the repercussion, but because I think is time for me to move on and heal my broken heart and mind. 

I don't want to relive the past again if I can control my mind from wandering down that path. 1 way is to block it and just focus on other important matters. There were a few rare moments where I wished I was still on talking terms with Peter Wittendorp and he was still in my life as my best friend, but such a thought didn't last long. Why? Because it wouldn't happen in this lifetime anymore and I don't think I can look and think of him in the same way like I used to in the past. The trust between us was shattered and unable to be pieced together again. 

Beside, he thinks I'm a crazy woman and I think of him as the biggest asshole, liar, hypocrite and cheater in the world. We both have so much negative thoughts and feelings of each other that it will keep us apart forever. Which is fine by me as. I did missed him once a blue moon as we had a lot of laughter and he did tolerated my tantrums and truly cared for me for a short period of time, but the hurt and pain he caused me will never be erased from my mind and heart. I could still remember his meanness, coldness and ugliness too well. I shuddered when I thought of those last few chats we had. Anyway, it was the past so I'm not going to bring it up again and repeat what I had wrote in the past in this post.

I don't regret a single post that I had wrote about Peter Wittendorp because I only stated facts and truth. And I was expressing my feelings on how I felt about him at that time or anytime in my life. I'm not ashamed of my past with him, a married man. He was in my life for almost 10 years, from the day we met when he was still single and later got married. He had always waltzed back into my life in the last 10 years when I had cut him off and deleted him. If only I can post some of the emails he wrote to me in the past. My story with him was never a fantasy and every emails he sent to me, every words he wrote were never altered. It was from him. 

Anyway, I will never be able to trust this man anymore in my life. In fact, I might never and will never know the real him. I have changed because of him. Good and bad I would say. I don't have any wish at this moment except that he or anyone working for him doesn't comes to disturb me and my inner peace. If I know any of his people directly or indirectly disturbing my peace, I will make sure that he doesn't has any peace too. Don't ignite a war especially when I'm walking away from all his craziness and dramas. I might have free time in my hand, but I don't want to spend it dealing with his dramas and lunacy. So is best that he controls all his people and don't let the dogs loose and start barking up the wrong tree. I will state it once and for all. I never ever did what he accused me of doing in the past, present or future. 

I don't give a shit if he believes me or not. I just want to be left alone and keep the insanity in his life far away from me. I don't want to be dragged into the mud again so don't stir anything up and stop bullying me. Appreciate it.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, the best response is not to response at all.