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To all my readers on this blog, I will stop posting new posts on this blog as I this interface isn't user friendly.

For those who still want to read my posts, you may find me at www.freespiritedcolumn.wordpress.com

Thank you for reading my blog all this time. Merry X'mas and Happy New Year.

Photo of Grandma

This is the only photo I have with my grandma. I'm surprised that I didn't have more photos with her as I grew up under her care and love. I thought I had taken more photos with her, but apparently this is the only 1 I have with me. I asked my aunty to check if she might has some of my photos with grandma. I wished I had taken more with her when she was still around.

My grandma actually went to stay in Hawaii with me for over a month or more when I was studying there. I showed her around Hawaii a bit, but most of the time she stayed at home as I went to attend classes. I didn't bring her out a lot as she had weak legs. I wished I had the chance to spend more time with her now.

I should had been nice to my grandma. She was the one person in the world who had loved me unconditionally no matter what I did wronged. She always sided me. Haha. Everyone in the family said I was spoiled because of her. Which was true.

No one was able to bully me with my grandma around. Without her unconditional loved, cared and support I wouldn't be who I'm today. But yet I didn't know how to appreciate her when I was younger. If I have any regret, it would be not knowing how to appreciate my grandma when she was around.
I always feel emotional when I have to write about my grandma. She was always there for me through thick and thin. When my dad was too poor to take care of me financially, it was my grandma who supported me with her own money. She would cooked my favourite dishes for me to eat after school. And yet, I wasn't being a good granddaughter to her as I didn't treat her nicely when she was around. I had a very bad temper when I was young and I would scold everyone who pissed me off including all my elders and got away with it. My grandma put up with me the most and thinking back now I felt bad for my actions. I was childish, ill tempered and disrespectful. I can't turn back the clock and I can't treat my grandma nicer now as she is no longer in my life.

Well, looking on the positive side at least I still have a picture with my grandma. I wish I have more, but it is pointless to cry over spilled milk now. Is too late to do anything. I can only hope that my aunt has more pictures of grandma and I, even if it is a group family photo.

It was tough to grow up in a broken family with a psychotic mum, but my grandma made it bearable or else I might had turned into a bad apple and not be who I'm today and reap the success I'm enjoying now. I'm lucky to have my grandma in my life for 20+ years. I wish it was longer, but it wasn't up to me to decide.

No one truly knows me or my story except for a handful. Even then, they didn't know the depth of my feelings and thoughts, my struggles when I was growing up, the disappointment and etc. Only the thought of my grandma is still able to make me cry as I love her a lot. I didn't know when I was younger, but I know for sure now I love her a lot. She is my rock, my anchor. And I miss her now 😢😢😢😢.

She always had my back and made sure I weren't bully by anyone. It was never easy growing up as I needed to learn to fend for myself since I was just a few years old. So don't anyone dare to pass judgment on my life, the decisions and choices I made unless you have walked in my shoes and experienced the same as me. If not, then I appreciate if you keep your thoughts and views to yourself. All I want is not to be bully, but yet I was bully by the man I loved the most. Anyway, this post isn't about him. Is about my grandma.

I feel calmer now and has stopped crying. Haha. Big cry baby.

Ma ma, I miss you.......

Affair

Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can't call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn't, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let's identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn't good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn't bother to remember as it doesn't concerns me.
Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don't know and I don't care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don't get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won't deny that I'm curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn't. I'm curious, but I never ask any V and I don't act weird around them when I see them together. I don't pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn't right, but 1 hand can't clap. Just like 1 person can't tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S's dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn't raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V's parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X'mas. S's wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don't judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don't know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.
Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I'm proud to say I'm not one of those people as my life is very open. I'm not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I'm wrong. I don't hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I'll admit and face the consequences. I'm not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn't values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy's friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn't wants him to divorce her and doesn't mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don't. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don't pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don't condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge. 

Traveling preferences

When I was in my 20s', I preferred to travel to famous city such as London or Paris as I find it glamorous to let my friends know I visited those cities. But over past few years, my preference has changed. I prefer nature more where I can chill and relax without being surrounded by a big crowds. I get tired easily when I'm surrounded by sea of people. Also, cities don't appeal to me too much because I will be looking at steel structures all around me. To be honest, I'm sick and tired of looking at buildings. Sometimes even claustrophobic. I admire interesting and unique buildings design like those designed by Antoni Gaudi in Barcelona. Those are really fascinating and unique. Otherwise I will stay away from having my holidays in cities.

In my early 30s', it was still a balance of both cities and nature holidays. But from mid 30s' onwards it all changed for me especially towards the recent few years I prefer more scenic and cultural types of holidays. I find it really relaxing and I can recharge and rejuvenate compare to cities as it is much more laid back. Beside shopping also isn't on the top of my to do lists anymore hence cities don't have much to offer me compare to nature and scenic holidays.

What I actually likes to do a lot more now is adventure holidays where I can try fun and exciting outdoor adventures such as skydiving, zip lining, bungee jump and etc. I also like to try 4x4 wheels driving holidays. But traveling solo can be boring if I do driving holidays. Sigh. This is the time I wish I have a man in my life so that we can explore the world together. My gfs' aren't adventurous or they have budget constraints. So can't go with them. Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to do it on my own. I plan to do one next year to Tibet if I have time.

I also want to go New Zealand and do a driving holidays. I will plan one soon. Another on the top of my bucket list is Northern lights. I really wish to see it with a love one (at that time I was hoping to be him. Haha. Silly me), but now I don't mind with friends or family. Hoping to catch northern lights end of 2018/early 2019 😁😁😁.

I still wish to go to Bora-Bora with a man I love, but if I still don't have one when I want to go there then I will go alone. A tad not so fun, but then again I can have a summer fling with a  hot guy. Haha. Will see.

And for which season is my favourite, it has to be spring and summer because the weather is nice. Bright and sunny. Not too overly cold in spring hence I don't need to bring to many coats and boots when I travel compare to winter. Summer is my favourite and prefer month because it is my birthday month hence I love it. Haha. Beside I can pack light. Shorts, summer dresses, tank tops and sandals.
I dislike winter a lot because it is gloomy, cold and rainy. I hate it when I'm on holiday the weather sucks. Just makes me feel moody and I have to stay indoor all the time. Really depressing. Plus I have to pack a lot of clothes too. That will fill up my luggage before I even start shopping 🙄🙄.
Nowadays I hate a heavy luggage. I prefer to travel light unlike when I was younger, I packed a lot of clothes because I changed 3x a day. Haha....Yes I did. But now I just want to wear comfortable clothes and if I don't bring enough clothes I can always buy and wear on the spot. Last time, I wouldn't want to wear the new clothes until I got back to my own country. Seriously I was weird 😂😂.

Fall isn't a bad time to travel too, but not my favourite because the weather can be erratic too. 1 hour sunny and bright, the next rainy and gloomy since it is moving into winter. I think my preferences have to do with my age too. As I mature, I look at life very differently and I'm at this phase of life where I'm moving towards decluttering. So traveling preferences also have changed drastically over the years except for the fact that I still need to stay in a luxury hotel/resort on my every trip. Hahaha. Luxury can be a boutique hotel too, not necessary need to be W Hotel, Conrad or Banyan just to name a few.

And if it is long distance I need to fly Business class. Again, not willing to compromise on this at all. Long distance being more than 5 hours for me 😛😛. Yes, it is necessary. A need. Not even a want. LOL.

Anyway, in 2018 I hope I can travel to Tibet and to Iceland for northern lights. I have put off these 2 places for a few years now and it is time I have to make sure I fulfill it and check it off my bucket lists.

Demon in us

I watched the movie Dr Strange again last night and the Master told 1 of her disciples, "there is a demon in all of us. Is just that we rise above it". What she said was so true. I believe there is a demon living in all of us and majority of the population are able to control this ugly dark side of ourselves while others succumbs to it. And even then, we aren't born evil and bad. People turned bad and evil because of their experienced and environment. Because of bad, traumatic and unfortunate experienced couple with a horrible and terrible environment, the demon in some of us rise above from darkness to the surface and became a dominant in our life. No one wants to be a bad person and no one is borne a bad person. I truly believe that everyone of us were borne good and want to grow up to be a good person too.

But sometimes it isn't up to us to decide especially if the person repeatedly have bad experienced thrown at him/her. There are only so much of pain, torture, torment, hurt, neglect, abuse and etc a person can take. Once it became too overwhelming, I think the person will shutdown emotionally and instead of choosing to see the good in people and situations, the person can only see ugly darkness and evil in people and situations. Hence it is a question of control. Most of us have control over our emotions/feelings/actions and we will do our utmost best not to screw ourselves up.
I had experienced darkness during the period when I was wrongly and basely accused by him for something I didn't do. At that time, all I could think of were revenge and I had killed him many times in my head. I wanted him to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to hire a gangster to beat him up to be honest. I just wanted to see him suffer and in pain like what he did to me. Although he didn't hurt me physically, but the emotional pain and hurt he inflicted on me were terrible that it left me mentally paralysed for a few months. No one knew how much hurt and heartache I went through and how I cried myself to sleep every night for almost 6 months. And even when I stopped crying myself to sleep, I was still sad and I couldn't stop thinking of him and what he did to me. The accusation was the hardest and deepest blow to my heart. it shattered me to pieces because to be accused by someone I used to love for something I didn't do was just plain cruel and ugly.

It was then that I decided to openly write about us, our affair, his emotional and physical cheating, exposing his identity and everything that he claimed we weren't and untrue. I had SMSes and emails to back up my words and exposure. I was so hurt, angry and in so much pain that the dark side of me managed to surface and temporary took over control of me emotionally and mentally. I shutdown and I allowed the darkness to envelope me because I could numbed myself until I don't feel the pain and hurt as I was so focus of making his life miserable. I felt a temporary relieved when I thought how humiliated he would be when people who know him read my posts on this blog about us. I didn't care about what people think of me. I just wanted to make him paid for his asshole treatment of me especially when I had been good and nice to him. I had never harm and hurt him hence I didn't deserve what he did to me.

If I had access to gangsters whom I could hire to beat him up, I wouldn't hesitate to hire!! I mean back then, not now or future. It was my darkest period last year and I was literally a walking zombie. I didn't like who I became especially when he was the cause of it. I hate how my thoughts were consumed by dark and ugly thoughts of revenge. Thank goodness I was able to pull myself out of the darkness and see the light again although it took me almost 1.5 years to fully recover from the heartbreak. I never told anyone who knows me as I don't want to explain what happened to me, how he treated and accused me as I didn't want to relive the pain, hurt and heartbreak again. I broke down to cry even in public just the mentioned of his name in the 1st 3 months after his baseless accusation. I feel so victimised because I didn't have a chance to defend myself against his accusation and also he played with my emotions, feelings and loved for him and then he discarded me aside by painting me as an evil person. Anyway, it was the past.

Now I'm very much back in my old and usual positive thinking mode and I don't feel the darkness in me anymore. I don't have negative thoughts about him anymore. And I don't even want to mention his name further because I don't want to his name alive anymore. He was definitely a lesson I needed because I truly learned so much about myself during this period of recovery. And I can safely said I became a better version of myself. So there was something good out of it.

So yes, because of my own experienced and now I see things much more clearly and differently, I finally understand why some people are bad. People don't turn bad overnight. They are turning bad gradually as they accumulate more bad experiences. This is life. And now that I'm very conscious of my feelings/emotions/thinking, I'm able to control and suppress the darkness in me from rising again. I had put myself through several tests in the last few months and I passed with flying colors. I'm happy to know that I regain my old positive self.

I don't wish him dead anymore, but I also can't bring myself to wish him well because I don't feel it in me to wish him well. Although I have managed to heal from my pain, hurt and heartbreak, doesn't mean I want to wish him well. I haven't forgotten his cruel and baseless accusation. It doesn't consume my thinking and haunt me anymore, but I haven't forgotten yet. And I don't think I will forget because it was a deep and permanent scar.

As I had said before, if he could accused and created the story about his wife cheated on him in his emails. Click on the link to read it  (Peter Wittendorp's Accused His Wife Cheated on Him). Not only in emails, but also text messages, WhatsApp and in person too. Hence, I shouldn't be shocked and surprised that he did that to me too. But it did hurt like hell. And a heartless, selfish and cold-hearted man like him will never cares who he hurts as long as his own ass is protected. Ok, I better stop before the demon in me is coming out again!!! hahahaha......

Goodnite world!

p.s. At least I have the guts to admit my truest feelings and thoughts openly. I'm not afraid to be judged because what people think of me is unimportant and irrelevant. I'm who I'm. And I don't need people to like me. I just want to live my life as openly and honestly as possible. As I have always said, if I have done something bad or wrong I will admit. If I didn't, I will protest until I go to my grave and the next life too!