Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I'm super bored and even then I still don't spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn't see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don't think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don't add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was "You are a goat". I replied "huh". Then his next message was "Don't contact me again". The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don't plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm......nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I'm very focus on my career now and won't have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren't many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn't a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn't click as the connection weren't there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don't live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don't like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don't add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don't feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I'm super bored. Otherwise I couldn't be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I'm definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn't in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn't a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn't, keep trying. And for those who hasn't try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn't frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today's society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder.  Cheers.

Can We Talk??

Deep down, I'm still unwilling to let him go from my mind. I thought I had, but I haven't because I still want to talk to him 1 last time to clear the air over any misunderstandings we have. Because I still want to see his face again, at least for 1 last time. Because it still bothers me that he accused me baselessly. I retaliated as I want to get back at him for the way he treated me. Although I have forgiven myself for my foolishness and have managed to control my feelings and emotions, I still haven't stop thinking about him. He still lives in my mind even though I know he will never wants to talk and see me again in this lifetime.

I foolishly hope that we will have a chance to clear the air face to face and bid a proper goodbye. I'm still a tad sad that he thinks so devilishly about me. He told me in his own words that it all started before I came into the picture so how could he accused me for what happened to him??? I wasn't given a chance to defend myself against his accusation. He doesn't knows and understands the pain and sadness his accusation has caused me!!! Until today, I still can't forget his words and tone when he accused me. It was mean, cold and ugly!! It made me wanted to retaliate because (almost 2 years coming) I can still remember that day vividly!! I wanted to hurt him the way he hurts me. I wanted him to feel my pain, anguish and I wanted him to be shamed for his dastardly behaviour towards me. I wanted a revenge. I did!! That was the truth and I wouldn't hide the fact that I thought about it.

The truth is I didn't want a revenge. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. It is important for me to be able to tell the truth because my past was a part of my life journey. I don't want to hide my story with him especially when I was an innocent victim in his grandiose of lying scheme and the truth is I still want to know why he had to lie to me?? Why?? I still want to know why he could be so mean, cold and heartless to me and accused me for things I didn't do. It is really hard for me to just let go, forget and move on from the accusation because it doesn't only hurts me deeply but also changed some parts of the core me!! I haven't heard anyone in my entire life and I definitely didn't deserve the accusation thrown at me by him. I want to see him again and thrash things out because I want to ask him what do I gain from doing what he accused me of doing??? He knows clearly all I ever wanted from him was to be with him, so why would I be so stupid to do something so devilish to lose him from my life???? Why?? I really wanted to ask him that question and many others. I wanted answers and I still want it now.

A part of me will always want to seek the answers and the truth until the day I die. It is what I want and probably the main reason why I'm still unable to stop thinking about him and sometimes replaying our past. No one can fully understands how I feel unless you have been wrongly accused too by the one you used to love and trust without a doubt. I had admired, respected and trusted him for 10 years. He was my ideal man! I already liked him on 1st sight and never stopped even when we lost contact a few times in the 10 years period. You wouldn't be able to imagine my happiness when he 1st told me he loved me!! I never thought he would fell in love with me because I dare not hoped. But when he did, I was ecstatic and couldn't believed it. I really couldn't believed it, but it was the happiest day of my life. I really thought we had a chance to be together because of what he told me about his marriage via his emails, whatsapps and most importantly in person. I could felt his pain and sadness. That couldn't be faked (at least I didn't think it was possible back then), but boy I was wronged!!

I waited so long for him to love me so why would I do anything to destroy it. Yes, towards the end we agreed to be friend and put an end to our lovership, but that didn't mean I had stopped loving him. I just said what he wanted to hear so that he would feel better to continue our friendship. I would do everything to keep him in my life so why would I do something so devilish and stupid to push him out of my life 😢😢???

Past 18 months hadn't been easy for me. The road to recovery and healing didn't happen until after my birthday trip to Rhodes, Greece this August. I'm definitely in a much better place now than before my trip, but a small part of me still unable to let go. I tried. God knows how hard I tried, but I haven't succeeded yet. Sigh. I know I sounded like a broken record, but I really don't want to keep my feelings to myself. I want to share openly because pouring out my feelings allow me to understand my feelings, thinkings and myself better.

Is not easy to be so raw and vulnerable, but I have to if I ever want to heal properly. I don't know if I would ever forget him. Sometimes I think I might still love him, but I shut that love feeling off by thinking negatively about him. I know I shouldn't have any feeling left for him, but I do. The consolation is I'm able to control it and it doesn't affects me as much as it did previously. The feeling didn't linger long as I could quashed it pretty quickly. So wasn't too bad.

And yes, I still wonder how is he doing now? Do I pop into his mind occasionally? Good or bad doesn't matter because I can't stop how he thinks of me. He didn't give me a chance to explain why I said what I said and he didn't bother to find out the truth. He just assumed and accused which were what he usually did in the past even before the shit hit the fan!

I wish he read my blog because then there is a remote chance he might understands how his accusation has hurt me so deeply that it still haunts me until today. If I get to say 1 thing to him today, it will be "Can We Talk??"

p.s. Countless times I wanted to write a letter to him, but I didn't. Why? Because I don't want to torture myself wondering if he receives my letter and if yes, did he reads it or throws it away or how he will he reacts? Another reason is I know writing will not helps to clear the air. Only face to face meeting will allows us to be totally open and honest with each other. No hiding at all. So either we get to meet in person or I just have to learn to accept the fact that I will never have a chance to find out the truth and tell the truth. If that's how God wants it to be, then I will just accept it. If that's my destiny then I have to accept it. But I really hope 1 day we can get to sit down to talk and clear the air. I really do hope.

I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don't understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don't know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn't. I thought I understood him, but I didn't. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I'm still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I'm not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn't exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn't had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn't do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I'm slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn't help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I'm to take a wild guess, I will say I don't pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I'm not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don't hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don't at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn't a single day that I don't think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn't in my heart anymore. I just don't know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don't know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven't manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I'm sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

Unedited emails from 2014 - Peter Wittendorp's in his own words accused his wife cheated on him!!

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I'm still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don't feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn't realise until now as I don't check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don't feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I'm very sure I was the same for him too.

License to Climb

Yesterday morning I dragged my butts out of the bed at 8.45am to go to attend the 4 hours basic wall course for indoor rock climbing at Camp5, BU. I almost wanted to cancel as I was very tired and lazy to get out of bed, but I told myself I need to be disciplined and attend the class or else I won't be able to take private lessons starting October. As mentioned in my previous post, I have decided to take up indoor rock climbing as my new hobby and a new sport. Is actually a good exercise as it works the whole body muscles, helps to build strength and tone up my physique. It will also allows me to distress and train my mental focus as I can't think of anything except how to climb my way to the top. Haha.

It was a small group - 5 of us only (max is 12. min 4 for a class to be confirmed) . 1st part lasted 2 hours and I learned a little bit more about rock climbing such as the tools we are going to use to help us to climb safely, how to belay, how to tie a double 8 knot, the safety aspects and the 2 golden rules in rock climbing - "never let go of the rope no matter what'. Unfortunately, I forgot the other golden rule. My bad. I will ask my instructor next week when I meet her for my 1st lesson with her.
We were given a 30 mins break before the 2nd session starts. Another 2 hours. And in this last part of the session, we were given the opportunities to belay and climb different rocks formation. We started with the easy route and I managed to climb both times to the top and I belayed 2x too. Belaying is very tiring and can be roughed on the hands too as I had to keep pulling and feeding the rope during ascent and descent. There are 5 steps in belaying and most important of all is no matter what happened I MUSTN'T let go of the rope or else my partner might be injured.

I tried bouldering too and it was fun. Bouldering is not more than 20 feet high and don't need to use a rope to climb. But it requires a spotter to watch out for the climber and to make sure that if the climber fall down he/she will be safe. Again, I climbed 2x successfully. Definitely, I would said my strength was so much better this time around compared to the 1st time I tried about 8 months ago. I'm proud of myself and although it weren't much an achievement to successfully climbed to the top 4x, I was still happy and proud of my little progress. I know that if I practice regularly, I will grow stronger physically and gain more strength. Not to mention that I will have a nice tone body. Haha.

After the completion of the class, we were given a certificate to confirm that we are capable to do solo climbing (except Elite Level and above). Our certificate is also recognised worldwide apparently. All I have to do is to take a photo of the certificate and show it when I want to do indoor climbing in any camps located around the world. At least that was what the instructor told us when he handed us the certificate. I will ask again when I want to try other gyms in other countries (not sure when yet). Haha. I have acquired the "license to climb". Once I become a better climber, I will challenge myself to climb using only 1 color of holds and the wall. I know it will be very tough, but I will try it!!
My arms and shoulder blades are sore, but is bearable. I actually feel accomplished and am looking forward to the private lessons I'm going to take starting next Wednesday. I think I will sign up for 8 classes 1st. If I like it, I will sign up more later.

When I was younger, I didn't have the chance to pursue all these activities and I also didn't think I was brave enough to do it. But once I turned 40 years old, my mindset changed and I want to try more new challenging activities and sports. I saw a lot of people who went there alone and climbed on the auto walls when they didn't need someone to belay for them. I will do that too once I have become a better climber 😀.

My goal is to be able to become an Elite climber. Wish me luck ok. Haha. (1 more tick off for my bucket lists)

Don't ever tell a woman to chill....

When a woman is pissed off, NEVER tells her to chill or relax or calm down because it will makes her more pissed off! At least it is the case with me. It annoys me to the maximum when my people tell me to chill or relax when I'm pissed off. If I have wanted to be chilled or relaxed, I wouldn't be pissed off and ranting in the 1st place. When I expressed about the thing/issue that pissed me off openly on social platform, it is my way of letting off steam rather than keeping the unhealthy feelings inside me or ignores it!!

I noticed it is usually men who would tell a woman to chill or relax or calm down and move on. Women will give more sympathetic comments or supports than men. Women are more careful with their words as they understand when another woman is upset or pissed off, we don't want to be told to chill or relax or calm down. Never ever uttered these words to a foul mood woman unless you want her to chew you alive. Hahaha. What  we want to hear from you is that you understand what we are feeling at the moment and shows your sympathy or compassion for us. You can even crack a joke, but it has to be a funny one that crack us up laughing as it will helps us to get back into a good mood quicker.

Men just don't know how to appease an upset, angry or pissed off woman other than telling us to chill or relax or calm down! Haha. So men out there, please don't tell a woman to chill or relax when she is pissed off or angry or upset or mad as it will makes her even more pissed off and this time it will be aimed at you rather than the thing/people who pissed her off in the 1st place. You will become a victim and she will lashes out at you. So the best way to handle a woman who is in a foul mood is better just to say "hey, i know you aren't in the mood to talk, but I'm here so anytime you are ready I'm happy to listen". That's all I want to hear and it will definitely makes me calm down faster. Men, please be smart with your words choice ok! Please, please, avoid using words that will antagonise us further when we are already in a combat mode and ready to bite off someone's head. Remember that 😂!