Life is unpredictable and short.....so live it to the best you can.
Laugh crazily, live happily and love madly.
Live a quality life and not a quantity life.
Always be honest to yourself.
If you truly like/love someone, tell him/her before it is too late.
Be brave to embrace change and start letting go of people who aren't good for you anymore because their time in your life is up.
Let them go and set yourself free.
This blog is all about my views and thoughts about life.
About 2 months ago, I became the victim of a vicious internet harassment by an unknown person or persons. I was shocked and surprised to be targeted as I know very well I didn't offend anyone until to be so hated. Later I found out I became an innocent victim of circumstances. I was scared, shocked and very worried. I still am, but in lesser degree. Why? Because I won't allow this internet harassment to affect my life. Yes, I'm feeling vulnerable and unprotected as whoever is harassing me knows who I'm. I'm in the open, this person/persons is/are in the dark. I don't know when it will stop?I don't know how bad it will get? I don't know how much damage repair I have to do at a later stage? And the level of damage to my reputation?
I have no freaking clues. I just hope and pray that it will stop soon. I just pray hard I won't be a victim anymore. The saying that 'life is like a movie' describe my current situation perfectly. I'm having a prolong bad dream! Hopefully soon the bad dream will stop!
Well, now is time for me to sleep and try to dream of something good and beautiful......
I thought it will take me longer to move on and I will still feel sad and hurt......but the truth is not anymore. I tried to think of him to see what are the lingering feeling I still have for him - not a particular feeling stands out. Just normal.
I have stopped thinking why he behaved the way he did with me. I have stopped trying to find the answer. I have stopped reflecting back on the good old days and the man I fell in love with. I just stopped thinking and feeling for him. In fact, I have developed aversion to his name. I have clients who have the same name as him and when I heard it, the negative images of him just flashed into my brain. So does this means I'm still mad at him?? Hmm.....maybe. But I don't think so. I think I just need a bit more time to get rid of the negative feelings he gave me and hearing his name being mentioned right now just conjured up unpleasant memories which I'm trying to forget. I think it is more like a residual feeling which I strongly believe will evaporate soon.
Anyway, I'm healing faster than I thought. As for my love feeling for him, I think it will be over soon too. I can't continue to love a man who doesn't feels sorry and remorseful for hurting me with his words and actions. I don't need to put up with his crappy and shitty behaviour. If some other people want to put with him, let them do it. Not me. I forgave him too many times until I lost count of it. Maybe because of my kindness and generosity, he took advantage of me and took me for granted. Hahaha. Anyway, is ok. The chapters are closed. Maybe 1 day we will cross path again, but at this moment I want him to stay out of my life. He has too much dramas and negative vibes in his life now. He sucks my positive vibes and left me feeling angry, upset and stress. I don't need that! Beside someone will be very happy I'm not in his life anymore. Oh well....whatever!
I won't set out to hurt him intentionally by posting untrue facts about him, but I won't stop myself from expressing my feeling. All these posts about him were written based on the feelings he gave me. Neither right or wrong. I know my posts are read by people around the world, probably including him as I know he wants to make sure I don't write anything detrimental about him. Hahaha!
I know what I wrote could be used against me, is ok. I have nothing to hide. I will always be true to myself and not living a double life where the private and public me are not align. Is not who I am!!
I will always be myself irregardless. My life, my choice, my decision!! Say what you mean and mean what you say!!
Always BE YOURSELF!! Too many fake people out there who have no guts to be their true self!! And I definitely won't be 1 of those fake people!! Always remember to BE YOURSELF!!
Last night I made the decision to close and end his chapters in my life as I don't want to subject myself to another heartbreak. Although I still love him, but for my own sanity and health, I need to walk out of his life. No matter how many times I forgave him, he never appreciates it. Is a vicious cycle. I just set myself up for more hurt and pain if I don't walk out from his life now. Although I still love him dearly, it is time to let go. To erase him from my heart and to forget that he means a lot to me. My heart dies on that day when he accused me of something I didn't do. I know I will never feel safe with him again. He might not hurt me intentionally, but he did hurt me. I can't trust him to keep his words and promises to me. If he can't honour his words and promises, I won't honour mine to him too. In life, we can't always take without giving. It is time for me to stop giving to him.
Maybe I sound bitter in all my posts, but I'm not. I'm just feeling very sad and hurt beyond words can describe and when this happened my actions are controlled by my feelings. I'm going into my own defend mechanism. I told him to leave me alone so that I can learn to stop loving and caring for him. I told him to be the bad guy so that I can hate him. I need to heal and the quickest way is to hate him. Because by hating him I will stop loving and caring for him.
He never says sorry for accusing me. He never takes back his hurtful words. All I want is for him to apologise genuinely. But is ok. His ego and pride are so HUGE he will never apologise. I will just blame myself for allowing and encouraging such a shitty behaviour from him. Even if he says sorry now, it is too late. I might still love him, but I can't trust him anymore. I love him, but I can't forgive him yet. I can't forget his accusations.
And I really don't care what he thinks of me or whether he knows me anymore. I'm just too hurt to even care. All I care now is healing myself. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone I love so much......but I need to. He never genuinely care for me and there was a motive behind all his actions. It was all about him, him and him!! He is my biggest lesson to date.
It is time to say GOODBYE.....
p.s. Suddenly I feel like going to war.....Not good as I'm not thinking, but rather reacting now!! There are a lot of naive women out there who choose to continue to believe in their man and stay with him even after they lied thru their teeth, cheated and hurt them. No matter how successful a woman is, she will continue to pretend and ignore his wrongdoings. I didn't ignore his, I just chose to give him 1 final chance, but he screws up this time and destroys our friendship that he claimed to value and lost my love for him. Done and over with him.
Three simple words, but the power of these three simple words is massive especially when the person who says it is sincere. These are the 3 simple words that everyone wish to hear from the person who hurts them. It is a quickest and simplest way to make amend. It won't erase the hurt, but at least it is the 1st step to healing. Saying "I am sorry" doesn't mean losing your ego, but it means you are admitting and owing up to your mistake. It shows that you are remorseful for causing hurts, sadness and pain to another person because of your words and actions. It shows that you are brave enough to admit you are wrong and you want to make peace and work things out. It also shows that you value the person and the relationship/friendship more than your ego and being right.
But then to some people, saying I am sorry is like pulling a tooth without anesthesia therefore they are unwilling to do so. For some, it is because of ego and pride. This category of people always think they are right and will never admit they are wrong. They will twist the fact and blame you instead. Or even if they do apologised, their apology isn't sincere or genuine.
A sincere apology should just be simple and straightforward. For example, "I am sorry I hurt you". "I am sorry for making you cry". "I am sorry I doubted you. It won't happen again". Basically, take responsibility for your words and actions and accept the repercussions.
A non-sincere apology will be like, "I am sorry, but you started it" or "I am sorry that you misunderstood me." This type of apology is still blaming the other party for triggering the fight/argument. A lot of people fall into this category.
So which category I fall into? Most of the time I apologise sincerely, but there were times I felt I was arm twisted into saying sorry hence it fell into non-sincere category.
Learn to apologise sincerely especially when you know you are wrong. It goes a long way with the person who received and accepted your apologise. But then again, there is also very high possibility that you will never get any apology. It all depends on the person ......whether he/she is willing to accept his/her mistakes.
If a person who hurts me deeply refuses to apologise to me, I won't force the person to do it because then it isn't a sincere apology. Never ever force someone to apologise especially when they don't want to admit their mistakes. I will let them be, but I won't respect them anymore and I will stop caring for them.
So when you need to apologise, please do it sincerely so that the receiving party feels better and also to show that you take responsibility for your actions and words. It is utmost important to be a responsible person! Remember that!
I'm still feeling very hurt and sad. I could actually feel the pain in my heart and my tears rolled down automatically when I recalled the accusation. It feels like my heart is crying and I can't control my tears at all. It just came rolling down my cheeks. Some hurt will pass by quickly, but some not. And this fall into the latter category. It is truly a terrible feeling when told by someone you cared that you are not trustworthy and accused as a bad person. I thought I could numb it, but I couldn't. The words keep haunting my thoughts. I couldn't understand why it happened. When you argued with someone you cared, don't you argued fairly? Don't you asked before jumping to conclusion? Don't you asked before you make accusation, especially a grave one? One you know deep down the person you accused is not capable of, but yet you decided to accuse that person.
I wonder how long it will takes me to get over the hurt?? Is there a quick remedy for it? I don't want to feel sad and cry again. But I know I will.
Why do you need to hurt me so badly Peter Wittendorp? Why are you so heartless, cold and manipulative with your actions toward me? Why? What had I did to you to deserve such a treatment from you?? 😢😢
Ugliness finds it way into our life on a daily basis. Some of us are luckier not to experience it regularly, but some have to deal with it daily. No one can escape life ugliness, at least no one that I know off didn't experienced it at least once in their life.
So, what can we do about it? Well, we definitely can't run away from it so the answer is to face it, overcome it and learn from it. As mentioned in my previous post, today is a sad and black day for me because I had experienced first hand how ugly a person can turns into when having to deal with unpleasantness constantly. Very unfortunate, I was on the receiving end of it.
So how do I deal with it? Keep a positive and optimistic thinking and don't allow this ugliness to affect me too much. It won't be easy, but I'm strong willed and happy go lucky person so I believe I will overcome it.
When ugliness hits you in the face constantly, we can choose to let it affect us and turn bitter, angry, revengeful or even mean. Or we can choose to stay positive, optimistic and keep the goodness in us. Fighting evil with evil will actually hurt us more than anything. It will make us lose the core us, see darkness everywhere we look and see the negatives side of people. I don't want to be in this category at all. Therefore I choose brightness over darkness. I believe that goodness will win over ugliness!
If you want your life to be beautiful and happy, don't allow life ugliness eats into your soul and change the core you. We can always win a fight by fighting with a good heart and a clear conscience. Never ever allow the core you to be compromised. Why? Because at the end of the day you might win the battle, but you might have lost the goodness in yourself, people who care about you and anything that you have to sacrifice to win the battle.
We can't run away from life ugliness, but we have the choice to choose how we want to face, handle and fight off this ugliness. So choose wisely.
Today is the darkest and saddest day in my personal life. I was accused by Peter Wittendorp whom I used to care, treasure, value and love dearly of something I didn't do. It wasn't a one-off accusation but 2x. I'm feeling very hurt now. I never thought that he would hurt me this deeply and badly. I'm feeling like being stabbed in my heart repeatedly. I trusted him not to hurt me, but I was naive to think so. I'm speechless now as I can't think of any words to describe my hurt and heartache. Is a long overdue wake-up call. I just didn't expect it to hit me in this form.
I feel very stupid now! Stupid for caring. Stupid for wanting to help. Stupid for being trusting. Stupid for believing and seeing the good in him. Stupid to think he is genuinely a good hearted person. Stupid to think that he won't hurt me repetitively. So scary as I don't know who is him anymore. I thought I understood 90% of who he is, but not anymore. He shows me a side that is mean, cold, calculated and selfish. Very scary. A stranger to me now. We used to be so closed. All the care, trust and faith I had in him are destroyed the moment he accused me of something I didn't do. How could those devious thought of me crossed his mind and left his mouth?? 😔😔. He is uncaring and heartless.
I accept my stupidity, learn from it and make sure I won't repeat the same mistake again. But I won't allow it to change the core me. I'll not shed another drop of tear for him as it isn't worth it. I'm still feeling hurt and sad, but I believe tomorrow will be a brand new day, brand new chapter and brand new start for me. My heart dies tonight. My conscious is clear and I can sleep well. Tomorrow will be a new heart beating again.
The universe is definitely teaching me a lesson. A painful one for sure. Be strong Serena!! You will pull through. Doesn't matter what Peter thinks or accused you off. As long as you know you are innocent, that's all that matters.
Smile silly girl :-)!! Tomorrow is definitely a brand new day with bright blue sky!! I will continue to live my life as excitingly and colourfully as possible. I will heal by writing.
12.12.2015 will always be one of the memorable and insane day in my life. I fulfilled 1 of the item in my bucket lists - Skydiving. I made a promise to myself in the beginning of the year that I would celebrate turning 40 this year with a bang and I did. I flew to Sydney on 08.12.2015 and booked the jump for 11.12.2015, but because it was too windy the jump has to be cancelled and rescheduled. I chose to reschedule to the next morning 12.12.2015 due to the fact that I was flying back to Kuala Lumpur on 14.12.2015 hence I needed to complete the jump before I flew back. The entire Sydney trip main purpose was to do skydiving and I was determined to complete the jump by hook or by crook :-)! I was praying for good weather and luckily for me it was.
The night before the jumped I only managed to get a few hours of sleep. My brain was all over the place in the morning due to lack of sleep and also in anticipation of my 1st jump as I didn't know what to expect at all. I wasn't feeling scared, just a little bit nervous, definitely excited and surreal too. I had been thinking and wanting to do skydiving for awhile and finally plucked up my courage to take the jump last December before I went back to work full-time.
After checked in at the downtown office, we were driven to the jump site that is located about 1 hour drive from Sydney downtown. The site location was in Picton. There was another checked in at Picton and I had to wait about 30-45mins before it was my turned to jump. Since it was a tandem jump, I was assigned a jump master. His name is Ben. I had to suit up, walked to the boarding area to wait for the small plane to return and take us for or jump. There were at least 7-8 pairs of skydiver on 1 trip and I was last to go.
As the plane arrived and we started to board the plane, we were all squeezed into the small plane. I had to sit very closely and tightly to my jump master because he had to strap me to his body. He had my back and he was my wingman. Haha.
The plane took off and began to soar up the sky like a bird. As we reached about 14,000 feet, the door was opened and we had to get ready to jump. As I mentioned earlier, we were the last pair to go and as I inched my butts closer to the open door, I began to feel a bit nervous. And as I sat on the edge of the open door, leaning back to get ready for the jump, before I could react, my jump master body were already out of the plane and I was dragged together with him.
The cold strong wind hit my face and all I could think off was I was falling down fast!! Hahahaha! Because the air was quite thin, there were a few times I felt dizzy and was experiencing breathing difficulty. But I didn't faint. After about 1 min of free falling, he tapped me on my shoulders to spread my arms opened before he pulled open the parachute.
Once the parachute was opened, we were gliding and sailing in the sky to enjoy the view. It was amazing, stunning, crazy and surreal. The view was spectacular. I could see very far and at that moment I realised that I should live for the moment and in the moment. I should have the foresight to see far ahead, but I shouldn't forget to enjoy the present. What matter the most is PRESENT!! Not the FUTURE because it hasn't come. Not the PAST because it was gone and I couldn't turn back the clock or go back in time. So what I have is the PRESENT, the MOMENT!!!
It took us about 6-8mins to descent before our landing. It was smooth sailing all the way until the landing part. My jump master tripped and fell on top of me. His leg were pressed onto my right calf and it hurt like hell. Not only that, his chin knocked the back of my head pretty hard hence it was painful too. But it was also funny so we had a good laughed from the hard landing. hahahahaha!
This was how I described my feeling after my jump:
"I have no words to describe my feeling of the tandem skydiving!! It was incredibly and insanely unbelievable!! For a moment I thought I was going to faint due to the pressure, but I didn't! Thank god! Then we were on the free fall and that was absolutely mind boggling! Once the parachute opened up and we were floating on air and I got to see the 360 degree view and how far the horizon stretch, it was breathtaking!! I would do it again and again for different view!"
Yes I would do it again and I'm planning to do a solo jump this year. If I dare to do it, another level of mental breakthrough for me. I think the hardest part will be jumping out of the plane by myself. That moment of fear. But I will definitely challenge myself and give it a try. This is 1 of my goal in 2016 - SOLO SKYDIVNG!
When I watched back the video, I definitely looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Hahahaha. Anyway, it was a great memory. Nothing is impossible in life if we put our mind to it. We just need to believe in ourselves and stop giving excuses to ourselves why we couldn't do this or that. We just need to tell ourselves we could and we would do it!!
Life is about trying and overcoming fear, challenges and obstacles. Life isn't suppose to be stagnant and still. It is supposed to be flexible and ever changing. Expect the unexpected!! Prepare for the worst and the good will take of itself!!
This afternoon I tried indoor rock climbing for the first time with my sister-in-law and it was fun. I had always wanted to try rock climbing, but been putting it off for a long time with stupid excuses. But not today. Today I went ahead to try and I enjoyed it a lot. It was an hour lesson with marshall to guide and showed us how to climb. We tried 3 walls and I managed to successfully complete 1 wall only. The other 2 walls, I only managed to climb about 40-50% only. Haha.
My sister-in-law was good. Quick and agile like a monkey. LOL! A 3 years old kid laughed at me for being slow. Haha. Well, I think I need to go more often to become better. Is a good sport to adopt. In the past I was worried that I didn't have the arm strength and also my legs might gave up on me as well. I thought I wasn't physically ready to climb, but that wasn't the case.
I failed because I didn't feel secure even though it was very safe and secure to climb. I had a mental fear that I was going to fall and hit the wall badly. Or scratched myself against the walls. None of that happened. Also I was thinking too much about where to step and grip. I should had just trust my guts instinct and just climbed. I will definitely do that the next time.
Another 1 item checked off my bucket lists. My life is definitely getting more interesting, fun and adventurous after turning 40 years old last year. I'm embracing and celebrating the next decade of my life by doing things that I never dare to do when I was younger.
Rock climbing is just like life. Sometimes we have it easy, sometimes we have it hard. There are times we want to give up, but most of the times we need to keep going. We can take a break, but we shouldn't give up. There will always be obstacles in our life. Obstacles and challenges are thrown to us to make us grow and learn, hence never run away from it. Face it, endure it and learn from it.
And sometimes, we don't need to plan and think too much. Just follow your guts instinct and goes with the flow. Live in the moment because tomorrow isn't here yet and yesterday is a past! We only have NOW!! So enjoy it while you have it. Always remember and remind yourself that!
Everyone of us need validation from time to time to make us feel loved, treasured, worthy, appreciated and most important it proof our existence in someone's life. No one can would dare to say out loud that they don't need validation because then we are lying to ourselves because no matter how strong, tough and independent we are, we all need and want to feel important and matter to people we love. Some people are lucky as they have someone in their life to provide validation to them, but some are not so fortunate or yet to be that fortunate to have someone in their life that will validate them. Don't feel bad for yourself just because you don't have someone to validate you. It is a good feeling to be validated, but it isn't the end of the world if you don't get it.
If you ever feel down just because you don't receive validation from people that you want to receive it from, just look back in your life and remember all the things you had achieved in life and how far you had walked from your past to your present. Remember all the battles you had fought and won. If you still need validation, then the validation should just come from 1 important person in your life - YOURSELF!!!
We ourselves are the most reliable and important person to validate our existence. We ourselves are the most dependable person in the entire world. We need to learn to validate ourselves before we look for validation from other people. We have to be our own cheerleader and biggest supporter because if we don't then we will always be chasing for validation from people that might or might not give us.
Learn to give yourself what you want before you seek it from other people. If you get it from other people it will be bonus. If you don't, then you will not be sad or disappointed because you have already VALIDATED YOURSELF :-)!!
