Blogging is therapeutic for me

People blog for various reasons. I treat blogging as journaling. I know it is crazy to share my life so openly as I'm putting myself out there to be judged, ridiculed and maybe even crucified but I still want to do it because this is what I want to do. I'm doing it for me and no one else so other people judgments and views don't matter to me. Blogging allows me to express and write down my thoughts and feelings anytime I want. It also allows me to record down events that are important to me so that I can read back in the future when my memory has failed me. I blog because it is also therapeutic for me. I can't always turn to my friends when I'm unhappy and want to vent as they have a life to live too. So blogging is definitely a good platform for me to release my emotions and not hold back because if I hold back I will drive myself up the wall.

Blogging had helped me to heal from my bad experienced and broken heart. I didn't share my life stories with strangers to get attention to myself. I'm sharing my life stories because it helps me to see a different angle of my life. Beside, I also hope that some of the things I had experienced in life are also relatable to people who read my posts. It can be really lonely when we are in a dark mood and we don't feel like talking to people. When I was in those moody and dark period, I always searched the web for stories of people who went through the same experienced and read how they overcame it. It gave me strengths and inspirations. With that in mind, I'm willing to journal down my life experiences. I didn't want to write only happy moments because life is made up of a concoction of different moods and moments. I want to share my ups and downs, my happiness and sadness and all the beautiful and ugliness of my life.

My life isn't perfect, but it is still a life I'm proud to live. I'm not ashamed of my life because I choose the way I want to live, not the way how society dictates how I should live!! I will never be a fake person!! I will never stop blogging.

My admissions and confessions

When I didn't know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn't reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn't hate him.

What I did wasn't right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn't know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don't expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn't share details about him because it wasn't a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I'm definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.
I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn't do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won't revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I'm doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I'm definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn't want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn't giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I'm not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn't do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma's grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I'm happy now and that's most important 😀😀. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that's all I have to share.

Perplexed

I am completely perplexed by the visitors to my blogs especially when it is from Singapore. Regular country, which is fine. But the thing I find the most odd is the posts read were all related to Peter Wittendorp. This not only happened a handful of time, but countless time repetitively. Sometimes, the number of views would be spiked up to a high number such as 30-40 per day. And it happened to both my blogs. Almost a pattern which I noticed for a few months now.

And there was also a visitor from Netherland out of the blue. It only visited once and then no more. I find it weird because Peter is from Amsterdam, Netherland. I wouldn't thought of anything if the posts read weren't related to him. I really couldn't comprehend what these visitors want to get out of my posts by keep reading the same posts related to 1 single person. My blogs aren't dedicated to writing about Peter only.

The action of these readers were just mind boggling. I might had mentioned Peter Wittendorp regularly in some of my posts, but those posts were merely using him as a reference and not about him directly. Anyway, my blogs are available publicly for anyone to read so no contents are off limit. Just that it pique my curiosity  why such a peculiar pattern and action from readers of specific countries (Singapore & Netherland) especially when these countries are directly related to Peter. I don't think is him because he won't be so free to keep reading the same posts. Then who?? I don't believe in random strangers. The pattern didn't screamed random. It screamed intentional.

Anyway, not a big deal. Just want to see if I can figure out an answer to satisfy my own curiosity. Haha


Updated on 24.8.16

I think it is confirmed that the visitors from Singapore and Netherlands weren't a coincident! Same repeated pattern. A sudden influx in a week and then quiet down next week. Honestly, why would anyone do that? Mind boggling!

Updated on 10.9.16

Yesterday itself, 127 page views from Singapore alone. And most of the posts viewed were about Peter Wittnedorp. There was also viewer from Hong Kong and the posts viewed were also about Peter Wittendorp. It happened to both my blog sites - this blog and wordpress. And this morning itself, another 32 page views from Singapore. No way it is a coincidence with such a high volume of page views in 1 day from the the same country. And all the reading were done on iPhone. I think it was done intentionally. But I'm not sure why. What the reader/readers want to achieve?

Usually, my blog on wordpress will get at least a few visitors daily, but today zero. Again, really weird. There must be a reason. I wish I can figure out the reason behind such an irrational action!!

Updated on 11.9.16

See I was right!! No influx of visitor/visitors from Singapore yesterday and today!! So it had to be someone or a group of people doing on last Friday when the page views were 127 in 1 day!! Wonder who was so crazy and free. If he/she/they want something from me, just drop me a message on my site and I will respond rather than doing the coward act of bombarding my blog. Wacko!!

New & more posts on Wordpress.com

For those who are reading and following my blog, I have another blog where I posted more updated news. Check it out at www.freespiritedcolumn.wordpress.com

Blogger website is not user friendly and too many restrictions. Wordpress is a better platform for blogger. Personal view. Slowly I will cease writing on blogger.com but just focus on Wordpress.com.

For those who wants to follow me you can still do so as Wordpress.com

Cheers from Bali 😀