Without fail (wrote on 22.1.15)

Without fail, we will have some misunderstanding every few weeks and I will be jolted back to my senses that it is better to just be friends with him than having him as a lover. He is just too much for a simple and straightforward Leo woman like me. I like directness and openness; he likes to keep every thoughts and feelings to himself, wraps up in his own mind. Asking him to share is like asking him to jump into a shark's den!!!

I'll not give in this time. If he doesn't get in touch with me 1st, I won't. I'm tired of making the 1st moves all the time. I don't want to be nice and forgiving anymore since he doesn't appreciate it. He is just being impossible to me and keep taking and taking and taking. And I'm to blame as well because I allowed him to do take without putting a stop to it in the early stages. Is ok, I will start doing it now.

We are not lover, so nothing for me to lose. At best, is his friendship. I can live with that. I already told myself that I won't allow this man to affect me anymore after Jan 6, so I have to honour the promise I made to myself because if I don't then I'm not respecting myself enough.

My life has always been great and fabulous before he walked back in, hence, his presence will not affect me at all. And I won't allow him to affect me anymore. 1 year was enough. Beside, he never keeps his promises!!! I was foolish to keep finding excuses for him and forgave him. Which I shouldn't had done it, but I did. What can I say? I have a big heart and a very forgiving nature. My weakness and my strength as well. A curse!! Hahahaha

Anyway, enough about this man......tired, tired, tired!!!

Our old SMSes

On June 27.6.16, I emailed to Peter all the SMSes that I are stored in my iCloud so that he has a set of whatever I still have. We are the only 2 people in the world to have all these SMSes so if any of it would to leak out, it will be from either one of us. Those SMSes would be very damaging to our image if expose so if I'm a devious person like he accused me, I would have posted it long time ago. Until today, I only write about us. I didn't provide irrefutable proof to confirm our lovership. He could easily dispute all my posts I wrote about him and use. If I want to damage his image, I would use the easiest method - post the SMSes and not spending time writing about him. I'm writing because of my pent up emotions and feelings and I need an outlet to release it.

If he just takes time to think it thru and put together of his understanding of me, he should be able to figure out my main reason for blogging about him and I. If only he doesn't assume and jump to conclusion. Anyway, doesn't matter anymore.

To be honest, it feels good to give him a set of those SMSes. I told him he can do whatever he wants with it and show it to whoever he wants. I really don't care :-)! Reading back those SMSes it did brought back some smiles on my face. We did had some great time and great chemistry.

Too bad it is all gone now. Oh well, time to sleep.....till my next post :-)!

Peter Wittendorp Broken Promises

Dated : 23.1.15

Lately, I have issues with Peter broken promises. It is troubling my thoughts and disturbing my peace of mind. I'm not ok that he made the promises to me and then break it. I'm not cool with it and I had told him so many times and yet it fell on deaf ears because he kept repeating it. I trust him wholeheartedly and when he broke his promises to me again and again, it just got to me. Deep down I don't trust him anymore even though I want to. I'm lying to myself thinking that he will change. I'm not naive, but I was desperately hoping he will change for me. Haha!! He never apologized when he broke his promises to me. When I reminded him about his promises, he got cheesed off with me and said that if I keep doing it I will push him away!!!! I hate him for saying that to me. It was like holding a sword over my neck and intimidated me into not bringing up the topic anymore when he was the one who acted like a jerk.

It hurts like hell when he said that and also when his broken promises made me realised that I'm irrelevant to him. He doesn't likes me as much as he said and he has no serious intention to be with me. He only said all those sweet things when he was in the good mood. After saying out loud and having time to digest and think about it for a few days or weeks, he changed his mind. That is the feeling he gave me because that was how he behaved!!! With him, I can never feel secure about his feelings for me. He is so fickle minded that it rubs off on me too. And when this happened, I turned needy and clingy and I couldn't stopped myself seeking answers from him. And the more he avoided giving me the truth, the more frustrated and upset I became.

He said he will always be mindful of my feeling as he didn't want to hurt people he likes and cares about, and that included me, but he hurts me so many times. I couldn't understand why he made the promises if he didn't plan to keep his words??? I asked him so many times, but he didn't want to tell me. I'm like talking to a wall!!

I hate, hate, hate his silence. It brought back the memories of him MIA without a word in the past. And I know for sure that he will blames me for pushing him away (if he MIA again this time) because I keep asking him to keep his promises!!! That's so fucking unfair to me!! 13 months coming and still not a fucking sign of him.

He only knows how to give me excuses that he wasn't feeling well and he is quite busy with work!!!! Fucking lame excuses!! If he really wants to spend time with me and make me understand his situations, he can just fly over for the night and have a face to face talk with me to clear the air. But no, never once!!!! And I sucked up to all his sweet words and forgave him for not showing up for the past 13 months!! I know I'm a fool, but I like him so much and I really thought that he wants to be with me. I didn't know that he isn't a man who doesn't keeps his promises.

I'm not an unreasonable person. I gave him plenty of chance to keep his promises to me. I played it cool for the last 1 year until I got fed up with his empty words!! He is so selfish sometimes that only his wants, needs and feelings matter. Mine doesn't mean shits to him!! And I'm even a bigger fool to keep forgiving him!

What can I say?? Except that I truly LIKE HIM!! And a lot more than I want to admit to myself! Haha. Sad, but true!! I hate him, but I hate myself too. I hate myself because I keep forgiving him, but I couldn't help myself because it is not in my nature to stay mad at someone I like a lot for long. I know he doesn't deserves to be given so many chances, but I like him a lot. And I really don't want him to be my only regret in life. Sigh!!!

God, please help me!!! I really don't know what to do with P anymore. Arrrggghhhhhh.........Help me!!!

Organ Donor signed up

23.10.14- I did something that I never thought about doing until 2 nights ago when I watched a mini-series. In that episode, the characters were talking about signing up to become an organ donor after death and a bulb was lighted up in my brain that I should do that as well.

I thought to myself that if my organs are still useful when I die, it should be donated to someone who needs it so that the other person has a 2nd chance in life. Life is about giving back. It isn't just about taking and taking and taking.

I just want to give back because at the end of the day I can never take away anything when I die. If we are more giving and tolerant of each other, the world will be a better and peaceful place to live.

I told my dad and he asked me why I had such thought suddenly. I told him my reasons and he supported me. I wish my future partner will support my decision too, but I will not know until I have one in my life. For now, it is purely my own decision to make.

I hope there will be more people in this world that will consider to donate their organ when they passed away. It will give other people a chance to continue living even after our own death. We won't need our organs anymore when we die so why not benefit people who really need it and without us donating they will die too. If by signing up as an organ donor it allow us to save 1 life, it means our life is well lived. Not by us, but by another person. I think nothing is more charitable then to give another chance to someone else to live when ours have ended.

I just hope by the time I die, my organs are still useable. I hope more people will consider and sign up to become an organ donor. My wish.....

Heartfelt and brutal honest email to Peter Wittendorp

Dated: 27.9.14

Hey, i don't want to walk on eggshells around u and I simply can't. If I have to hold and filter my words and thoughts just to keep u around, I don't think it is a healthy friendship and I don't think it is a friendship we both want. Why we are still friend until today?? Because we are comfortable around each other, we could be ourselves, speak our mind and we made each other happy. I don't want to lose u as a friend and ur friendship, but not at the expense of losing my own identity. I'm sorry, I can't do that.

I don't know why u shut me out again from July onwards, but u did. U r wearing a mask and putting up ur protective wall again. U claimed I pressured u when I asked u when u r coming to KL and that wasn't fair to me. Why? because u know deep down in u I didn't pressure u. U felt pressured because u r unhappy n frustrated u couldn't keep ur promise to me. I think u do care about me and u don't want to disappoint me so when I told u outright u did, u felt pressured. U know that I want u to hangout with me is secondary, the bonus. The prize is u want me to continue to trust u. U know that eventually I will lose trust in u if u keep missing out on ur promises and u didn't want that to happen. U r frustrated, but u didn't want to tell me. So instead u turned the table around and said I pressured u. Put the attention back to myself and made me feel guilty and bad. Not cool. Haha

U said I know 'all' about u?? hmmmm......i don't think so. i only know the fact u r still legally with someone and u have a son with that someone. I don't know what happened between u, what u went thru, ur dream, fear, likes, dislikes, ur daily life and etc. I want to get to  know u deeper because u r a great guy. i don't want to see the surface u. the one u put on a mask everyday for the world. i don't want that guy. i want the guy i 1st met 8 years ago. the guy who didn't give a shit about covering up, not in front of me. The guy I admire, like and treasure very much. What happened to him? Why r u hiding him away from me?

U walked back into my life because u know very well that u can be urself with me irregardless if we are just friend or more, now or future. U know I will never change who u r, but accept and enjoy u being u. And u know I will not allow u to be someone else around me by wearing ur mask and hiding behind ur protective wall (haha, doesn't go well with ur ego). But hey, that's me. Remember u told me to speak my mind freely and don't need to pretend. So here I'm, back to my very, very normal self, not walking on eggshells around u, not worrying what I say will pressure n stress u out n u MIA for good. I stop worrying because it is not healthy at all for me.

Maybe because u r busy and so stress out with ur biz, hence u don't have time to ask me questions about myself, my past, dream, fear, likes and dislikes. Or maybe u simply don't pry like u said or u didn't want to know me deeper and better as a person?? I don't know, but I can tell u that if u don't try to know about my past and my background, u will never fully understand me. Is ur choice. Oh ya, u don't even ask me anymore how's my day or weekend? U used to be curious and inquisitive. Now u r like a robot. Haha

I want the guy without the mask and protective wall. Please don't tell me u r always the same because u r not!!!! Remember what u said to me on thursday......u said u r a bit crazy like me, but u covered it up better than me. Arrgghhh.......I just want u to be u around me.

Believe me, I'm writing this email from a very calm state of mind. Not jealous, not upset or angry. Not even disappointed anymore. OK, BS, I still am a bit disappointed, but manageable. I just don't like losing my trust in u. I did think about giving up on our friendship in the last 2 days as I felt I was losing myself and turning into an insecure woman when I was around u. I hate that feeling. And i'm not having an emo period. Trust me. I'm very sane and alert now. haha

And I told myself no freaking way I'm walking away because if I do, I will always feel insecure even if u r not in my life anymore. So I choose to confront my demons within me and here I'm, writing to u. If this email chase u away, then tough luck on me. But I can be pretty sure that if u MIA again, it is not because of this email or the so called pressure and stress u claimed I gave u. It is because u don't like the fact that I can understand u and make u think about urself more. U don't want any distraction now, but at the same time u welcome it because u know it is a good distraction. If it is bad, u would have walked away long time ago since we are just merely friend. We are not legal so no good reason for u to stay if u don't want to stay.

Anyway, the above are my most honest thoughts. U asked me not to bottle up and tell u how I feel, so here I'm, honouring ur request

p.s. Since i don't know when we will be able to sit down and have a nice long chat - i'm going to ask a question i been dying to ask. did the someone cheated on u? from the bits n pcs that u shared with me, that was the picture i derived at. did u feel u have to give it another go because it was partly ur fault as u were caught up in ur biz (still are) and didn't have time for someone? u guys agreed to give it another try, hence the downtime at night and weekend. u r still trying because u been together for a decade n u might feel a bit responsible for what happened. u r not addressing the issue 100% because u started ur own biz in 2012 and been busy making sure ur biz is successful so u concentrate on ur biz 1st. but it did changed n forced u to reexamine ur life. but the core u, the workaholic u, will always be ur no.1 lover in ur life. haha. maybe ur children will share the no.1 spot too.

u hope that things will go back to normal, but if u really search ur gut and admit the true feeling deep inside u, u know the real answer. u r not a person who can forgive so easily when someone wronged u, irregardless who they are. but this case is different, hence u choose a different path. anyway it is not my place to tell u what to do and i might have even pissed u off to the max with the above questions. I apologise for prying, guessing, and making u think (if any),  but i wouldn't apologise for wanting to know u better as a person and as a friend. a good friend.

if things r cool with us, give me a call next week. if i don't hear from u next week then i know things r not cool with us and i will leave u alone. u don't need to give me any explanation. i know u enough to be able to read ur mind, like it or not. i just shut it down in the last few months because u asked me to do so and i respect u so i did it. but my perceptiveness will always be sharp and alert all the time. i want u to stay in my life and vice versa (like u promised me), but i can't force u.

9 years coming and i don't want to throw away our friendship. but i really can't tiptoe around u. i need to have the freedom to speak my mind, voice my thoughts about everything and anything. i'm ok with taking it slow, but not at the expense of filtering my thoughts and holding back my words.

thank u for reading this long email. i'm going to chill and think positively that everything is cool with us and i will hear from u next week !  a good morning wake up call will be the best way to let me know v r cool and put a BIG SMILE on my face. if I'm honest, i'm actually nervous now. haha

Goodbye email to Peter Wittendorp dated 24.6.16

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hate you for the way you treated me. For all the harsh and mean words you threw at me and for even thinking deviously of me. It is a reflection of your state of mind, not mine. I wanted to give you a chance to explain to me, but I don't think I will be able to trust your words. You planted too many doubts in my mind. From the moment you admitted you lied to me and asked me to help you to cover up, I already began to wonder who you are. Although I managed to get you to come clean, but then another side of you shows up, the dark side of you. I know you are going thru a lot right now in your life, but it shouldn't have changed you so drastically. You are living a double life now - the private and public you are so drastically different. You can deny it, but you know deep down I'm right. 

I tried to understand why you were so mean and harsh to me, but I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out what I had done to you to deserve you to treat me this way. I really couldn't because there is no answer at all.

In the 2 years you were in my life, I always wanted the best for you, to make you happy and to be there for you. I didn't plan to fall in love and continue to love you. It just happened and I truly love you. You are the 1st man I truly love. But from today onwards I will learn to let go of my love for you and move on with my life journey without your presence in any form. I don't want your friendship anymore. The feeling or hurt and pain you caused me are too deep for me to forget immediately. 

I can never feel safe around you again. You hurt me repetitively even though you said you never set out to hurt me. But you did. You are terrible at handling your emotions/feelings and you aren't as calm and cool as you portrayed to the world. Your mood swings are horrible. You don't want to address your inner demon, issues in your marriage and life, but instead you shifted your focus and blame external factors for your current situation. You created your own mess and now you allow someone invisible to change the core you. 

I'm not going to defend myself against your absurd and ridiculous accusation. I don't care what you think of me or feel for me anymore. You started the harshness and when I gave you a dose of your own medicine, you got the cheek to tell me you were taken a back by all the harshness and meanness. It was your own doing, but instead of admitting your own fault, you just conveniently manipulate the fact to make me the guilty one. 

Peter, you aren't the only one who can be mean and harsh. You forgot I grew up fighting a lot of demons to get to where I'm today. I could be even more harsh and mean with my words, but I choose not to because I don't think it will accomplish anything. I choose to see the good side of everyone even those that don't deserve, such as my mum. 

You are holding yourself ransom. You are afraid of your own demon and you don't want to face it. You are hiding and avoiding it. Your biggest demon now is you are afraid of full blown exposure. I'm scare of it too. Very scare in fact. But I thought people will be more forgiving if we expose ourselves before a 3rd party does it. If we expose ourselves, we are not held ransom by the 'fucker(s)' and we buy back our own freedom. 

Freedom is like air to me. I can't and won't allow it to be robbed from me. If someone threatened my freedom, I will do anything to get it back including some very risky move. That's my way of protecting what I value the most. Not the best way, but you should had asked, understand my reasons and give some consideration to my idea. Not the brightest and smartest idea, but I don't deserve the accusation, not once but twice and the threat from you. Your toned was threatening.

Anyway, you are too proud and prideful to even acknowledge what I said to you are right. I'm sad not because your chapter in my life is closed, but because the person I fell in love with is gone and replaced with this ugly mean harsh you. I'm sad because you are not honest and true to yourself.

If you ask me now, I feel sorry for her. because you don't truly love her now. Before yes. The day you decided to lie and cheat, irregardless of your reasons or excuses, you already don't love and respect her. You fool yourself into believing you still do. Anyway, not my problem.

I figure if you could hurt and disrespect her, whom you swear to protect, I shouldn't find it shocking that I got the same treatment as her. I know you probably thinking now how dare I said all those things to you. Well, if you are not so caught up with your ego and pride, you would see that I didn't said all those things to get back at you. I said it because I still see and believe the good in you. I just don't know what happened to you in the last few years to cause you to change. You are not only disrespecting us, but you also disrespecting yourself.

it was a slow and gradual change. Something in your life that you are not happy about and knowing you so well you are choosing to block it off, to chuck it in a corner and ignore it. Yes, you are doing it!! Don't deny the fact that I'm able to understand you, what makes you tick, what makes you happy and what you care about the most. I can say with 100% certainty she isn't your priority. And your feeling for her isn't the same anymore. Your love for her has changed and you know that.

Anyway, I sincerely wish you well. I'm very calm now. I was reacting to your words and actions the last few days and I wanted to lash out and hurt you with my words and actions. I wanted you to experience the pain and hurt you had caused me. 

But not anymore. I can't and won't allow you to change the core me. I can be impulsive, hot temper, blunt and even harsh with my words when challenge or accuse or push to a corner, but I can never be that type of person permanently. 

Peter, don't lose yourself in the pursuit of justice and revenge. Be brutally honest and true to yourself, what you really want and etc. Don't continue to brush it aside. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you had made, the pain and hurt you had caused, and the lies you had said. 

For Jori sake, please realign yourself and be the same person in private and in public. No one will judge you if you don't judge yourself. And it doesn't matter if they judge you. You know who you are. Why do you care?

Anyway, I wrote this email is because I need to close the chapters of you in my life properly. I have to do this for myself. You said it all the time you wanted to stay and be a part of my life, but I don't want anymore. I can't stay in ur complicated and drama filled life. You suck my positive energy out from me. 

And we have too much bad feelings between us now to be able to have a proper friendship. You need to focus on fixing your marriage if that's what you want without my presence. She will feel threatens and insecure as long as I'm still in your life.

If I can be blunt 1 more time, you might still have feeling for me even though you didn't admit it. You told her your privacy is your privacy when I was mad and upset that you gave up your privacy. Why? You wouldn't do that if we were just friends. It doesn't matter anymore what's the truth or not. Maybe it was just a fiction of my imagination. 

Maybe 1 day we will cross path again. Maybe not. At this moment, when I still love you, I can't and don't want to be in your life. I'm going to be the loser and be hurt again and again. Too painful and vicious for me. 

p.s. I blocked you yesterday whole day but i have unblocked you. But don't reach out to me as I need to slowly let u go from my heart and mind. If you come back in again now, I will be sucked into the same cycle. Only reach out if things have changed or improved on your end and you are back to the good guy I fell in love with. The Peter I love so much and deeply. I need space. IF you have nothing good to tell me or want to be upfront with me, leave me alone. Show up in person to show ur sincerity or forget about it. Don't bother. 

This will be my last, long and heartfelt email. I will keep my promises - not google our names or my name and mention you in my name. I have removed certain harsh posts because i couldn't bring myself to hurt you for a long period. Only when I was super mad and upset. Please do your best to protect me from the ugliness. 

The 2 years of you in my life had been crazy, fun and you gave me a lot of memories. I choose to keep the happy memories and delete the bad ones. I believe 1 day I will meet a man who will knows how to value, treasure and cherish me. Your loss, his gains. I will make sure he writes you a thank you note for giving me up. 

I wish you well and happy. I wish you find your path soon and make good use of the 2nd chance God is giving you to choose the life you want to live. Don't hold on because you are scared of losing. Be fair to her and yourself.

Goodbye Peter.

What if Peter Wittendorp reaches out?

A good friend of mine asked me during our lunch on Thursday what if Peter reaches out to me again in the future? Will I respond to him?

I answered my friend that his hypothetical question of what if will never ever happen again during this lifetime! He asked me why am I so sure? I told him that is because I'm doing everything to makes Peter hates me to his core so that he won't want to reach out to me again. I know that if he does reach out sometime in the future, I will respond to him as normal because I'm a foolish woman who still has a soft spot for him after what he did and said to me. I know I'm silly, foolish and crazy. So to protect myself and my heart, I took the route of no return......which is by disclosing his identity in my posts. The most stupidest and unbelievable move on my part, but I don't have other choice.

I tried to hate him and I failed. Although I cursed at him and even swore in my previous posts that I was glad he wasn't in my life anymore, but in reality is that if 1 day he reaches out again there is a good chance I will respond. I'm also worry that instead of him reaching out I'm the one to reach out and he responds back too. I do not want history to repeat itself again even though the chance of it happening is remote, I need to nip it at the bud.

I don't want to be friends with a married ex-lover if he is not single. If it was just physical, then the friendship wouldn't ended so badly. We were connected mentally, emotionally and physically too. That were why it was so hard for me to accept the fact that he could hurt me so badly. Anyway, the past is the past. And to protect myself from him, I choose to do the 1 thing he hates the most - full disclosure of his identity. It hurts me to hurt him, but I don't see another option.

Beside, whether I do it or not, he will continue to accuse me of being a bad person who commits devious act, I might as well make his accusation comes true for him so that he doesn't feels guilty and bad for mistreating me and being a class A jerk towards me. I told him from the moment this internet harassment started that I wanted to write about us personally, but he stopped me. He said he would take care of things and it would never affect our friendship and we would get thru this nightmare together. But in the end, not only he left me out in the cold he also threw me under the bus and ran me over repetitively. Plus stabbing me in the heart until I almost lost my core self with the pain he so cold heartedly inflicted on me. So why do I still have a soft spot for him? I don't know......I really don't know. And I don't want to find the answer because I'm scare of the answer.

I'm keeping my calm and control when I know in my mind he hates me to his core. It stops me from reaching out to him especially now when I'm almost back to my old happy go lucky and don't hold grudges self.

So my good friend question of what if will never happen! I'm dead sure I will not hear from him anymore as long as I'm alive. I believe I have succeeded in making him forget me, our past and memories. All I can say is I'm a foolish woman when it comes to him. Peter is my archilles heels and I still don't know how to overcome this weakness.

Anyway, not going to waste time thinking about it. Let it be!

p.s. Maybe pouring and disclosing full details are the only way for me to get rid of this archilles heels.

Is the market bad for investment in KL?

On Friday night, I was asked the above question by a client. A common question that we hear regularly in the past 2-3 years so I wasn't surprise by it anymore. My answer to this client was simple... "Yes, currently the market sentiment is not as optimistic as 4-5 years back, but that doesn't means it is a bad market to invest". Investment is personal. It depends on each person risk appetite, readiness and financial stability at the time the person decides to purchase a property for investment. If the person is not ready, then the person will never think the market is good for investment irregardless whether we are in a bad or good market. Readiness in all aspects - financially, emotionally and mentally are the keys to investing successfully. 

When a person is not ready, even in a good market where the economy is robust and growing, properties prices are on an upward trend and bank loans are easier to obtain, there will still be clients who think the market is bad for investment. Why? Because they will say the prices are too high and unhealthy, hence not the right timing to invest. And they will say, "let's wait until the properties price to drop and correct because now it is too costly to invest". 

If a person is ready to invest, the person will see the bad market as a good opportunity to grab some good properties for mid to long term investment. We can never time the market as to when we should buy and sell. We can only invest base on our own risk appetite. 

As a professional consultant, I will not persuade my clients to buy if my clients are not ready. I will provide all the data (pros and cons) about the current market and the properties/projects my clients are interested to invest in so that my clients are able to make an informed decision. 

Always remember, a good or bad market to invest is not determined by the economy, but by yourself. Your own risk appetite play the major role in your investment decision. Do your homework and if you do find a good property to invest and you are ready, don't hesitate because a slow market doesn't means that particular property or project will not sell like hot cake :-)! 

Happy hunting and investing!

Open Letter to Peter Wittendorp

There were times I wanted to reconnect with you to find out how are you getting on and wonder if I have crossed your mind in the past 2 months. I wanted to ask you if you hate me for what I wrote about you and us? I wanted to ask you do you feel regret for what you did and said to me in the past? I wanted to know why you walked back into my life repetitively and promised to be a good friend only to leave again and again. This time was the worst and you hurt me to the max. Although I have healed and not angry with you anymore, but I couldn't forget. I wanted to erase you from my mind, but it keeps lingering around. I could remember most of the things you told me, the good, the bad and the ugly, but it didn't make me hates you. I don't hate you and I don't think I will ever hate you. I'm happy to know that you didn't manage to change the core me. It might be dimmed for a short period, but it is always inside me. And I got it back now.

You mentioned that you might not know who I'm anymore. Well, it is because you choose not to see and accept me for me. I had told you countless times that I write and blog about anything and everything I fancy, but you always told me not to do so. You said our memories should be just for ourselves. When I told you I forgot some of the things I wanted to tell and share with you, you told me to write it down. And I did. I wrote it down and emailed it to you as you suggested, but then you changed your mind and told me to stop. You told me I made you felt obligated to read. You never wanted to understand me. You never gave yourself a chance to listen to me without passing judgment. All you ever wanted was for me to follow your ways and changed me.

I told you again and again and again I would rather lose you and your friendship then to lose my own voice and identity. I didn't change. Is just that you choose not to accept the fact that I can never be silent and I decided not to compromise anymore. I decided I don't want to do what you wanted me to do. I decided I had enough of compromising and giving unconditionally to you and our friendship. Yes, you are my biggest weakness to date. Yes, I admit I still have a soft spot for you even until today, even after all the ugliness and accusation you cold heartedly threw at me. But having a soft spot for you doesn't mean I don't have a voice. Doesn't mean I will stop writing about posts related to you. It just means I stop listening to your bullshit and do what you said. It means I will continue to be myself and live my life as openly as possible.

Remember what I told you......I will never ever lie to myself and no one, not you, not anyone will be able to tame and control me. I didn't change. You just never gave yourself a chance to truly understand me. I'm not a fakey and I will never be one. I will not write something happy and nice when I'm feeling shitty and upset. I will never be someone I'm not. I'm not afraid to be judged because I know who I'm. I'm not afraid of anything. I don't live my life in secrecy. I told you my life is an open book and I tend to keep it that way. It means I will write anything and everything about my life as long as it is the truth or a fact. You were a chapter in my life journey, hence you will be featured. If you don't like it, too bad.

I will not omit your chapter in my book just because you aren't happy and excited to be featured :-)! Am I'm crazy? Oh hell ya I'm. I will never deny that fact. I told you many times and you agreed as well. Anyway, I never expect you to not hate me because you are not a big hearted man. In your mind, I did you wronged when I openly wrote about what you did and said to me. You always want to be the good guy. I portrayed you as a bad and ugly person. Therefore, you will hate me and tell yourself I'm a crazy and bad person. Is ok.....it is really ok. You are entitled to your thinking and I won't convince you otherwise. I don't need to defend who I'm to someone like you who is committed to think badly of me so that you won't feel guilty for what you did and said to me. You will never have the guts to choose to look at things from my perspectives because only your perspectives matter. Other people perspectives are irrelevant and to be twisted to suit you. You have a need to be right all the time. Even if you are wrong, you will never apologise and admit it.

You are judgmental and biased. You are selfish and scheming. You said you hate people who scheme, but yet you did that to me. You knew very well that I had your best interests when I asked you to come cleaned with her so that you could look at yourself in the mirror everyday without feeling ashamed. You knew that I wanted you to have your core self back and you thanked me for reminding you that. I thought I knew who you were until you pushed me under the bus and hurled baseless accusation at me when the shit hit the fan and she read the stolen emails and whatsapp messages. You promised you wouldn't gave up our friendship no matter what, but when all hell broke loose, you turned around and shot me in the heart coldly and meanly. You stabbed and stabbed at my heart until I almost lost my core self.

Even until the last minute, you still wanted to use me when you had decided to end the friendship. You were cold and calculative till the end. As a businessman, you are smart and successful. But as a friend and a person, you suck! Maybe I was easier for you to take advantage of and bully because I have a soft spot for you. You screwed up and no matter what you tell yourself about me or the ugly picture you painted for your mind to believe, deep down you knew you treated me badly. I'm not you. I don't know how to act convincingly like how you did it to me.

Last but not least, a threat from me will be something like this, "if you don't take back your accusation I will post all the SMSes exchanged between us". It wouldn't be, "take back your accusation and we will talk". If I wanted to put us in the limelight, I would have done it with proofs that you will never be able to refute at all. If I wanted to destroy your reputation or split up your marriage, I didn't have to wait until this year. I could have done it when you were still in loved and cared for me. Beside, I had walked out from your life since last November. I cut off contact with you. It was you who chose to reconnect again in January and brought all your drama into my life without warning me about it. You were selfish and you never hesitated to push me under the bus and ran over me yourself. All you care was protecting you own ass.

I should hate you, but I couldn't. I know I sounded like I do, but I don't. I'm not even sad anymore thinking about what you did and said to me. Although it is hard for me to stand in your shoes and see it from your perspectives, I'm trying and that's why I choose to forgive you. I choose to see the goodness in you. Not easy, but is getting better and better each day. You will never be able to understand what I'm thinking because you never fully understand the core me and my views on life. You listened, you remember, but you never take time to deeply understand who I'm and what shaped me into who I'm today. I'm evolving everyday, unlike you. You are too set and stubborn in your way of life and thinking. I don't. I'm flexible and adapting. You aren't a rotten apple. You just blundered badly in the way you handled our friendship/lovership and me. And you are very unforgiving.

Anyway, occasionally I did miss the fun, joking and crazy you. We had great chemistry even just as friends. Even though you are no longer a part of my life journey, I still want to wish you all the success in your business and your life. No hard feelings on my end. And I'm going to choose to see the goodness in you even though it won't be easy for me to do so.

Life is too unpredictable and short to choose to live a life fill with hate and grudges :-)! I meant what I said and said what I meant! Too bad you never appreciate me for being me (especially my bluntness and brutal honesty) and fully understand me, how I think and view life. If you had, we might still be good friends today. Anyway, there is always an ending to a story. I guess ours just ended uglily and badly. No regrets!

Blogging is Not Easy

There are many things I want to blog about, but I don't know where to start. Some I managed to start, but couldn't finish because my mind was stuck even though many thoughts crossed my mind. Sometimes I'm frustrated because I couldn't write my thoughts and feelings flowingly. I have to admit I'm not a good writer. Haha. I wrote best when my feelings and emotions are stirred and raw. Now that I'm calm, cool and back to my normal usual self, writing actually takes effort. Harder but not impossible. I read that writing is good for the soul and healing. I enjoy writing purely because I have short term memory. I don't remember what I had said to someone or how I felt at that time when I said it. I do remember some of the things people said or told me, but not in great details. Hence if it was something important or relevant, I would write it down so that I can read it back and remind myself of a specific chapter, feeling, conversation and other aspects of my life. Some were pleasant memories, some were not.

When I first started blogging 7-8 years ago, I wanted to do a daily journal of my life. But it didn't pan out as it is very tedious to write daily. Beside I'm a lazy bum so I gave up writing daily. Haha. Hence writing an blogging is a hobby now. A place for me to escape when I want to spill out my feelings, emotions and thoughts. When I don't want to bug my friends with my problems, I blog. Blogging allows people the choice to read my posts or not. I want to be able to give people the choice to choose.

And when I blog I will write about topics that are personal and related to me. Is hard to be honest and open because there will always be critics. And there are topics that will be taboo or piss people off unintentionally. Anyway, I still choose to write and blog because this is what I want to do. I'm not blogging to please or hurt anyone. I'm not blogging to seek attention because my posts are not interesting at all. I don't get high readership or repost. I'm blogging because I want to write. As simple as that. I just want to do what I want to do.

I will try to write more interesting topics and post it on my blog. In the meantime, please bear with me on the boring stuffs. Haha!