Dated : 23.1.15
Lately, I have issues with Peter broken promises. It is troubling my thoughts and disturbing my peace of mind. I'm not ok that he made the promises to me and then break it. I'm not cool with it and I had told him so many times and yet it fell on deaf ears because he kept repeating it. I trust him wholeheartedly and when he broke his promises to me again and again, it just got to me. Deep down I don't trust him anymore even though I want to. I'm lying to myself thinking that he will change. I'm not naive, but I was desperately hoping he will change for me. Haha!! He never apologized when he broke his promises to me. When I reminded him about his promises, he got cheesed off with me and said that if I keep doing it I will push him away!!!! I hate him for saying that to me. It was like holding a sword over my neck and intimidated me into not bringing up the topic anymore when he was the one who acted like a jerk.
It hurts like hell when he said that and also when his broken promises made me realised that I'm irrelevant to him. He doesn't likes me as much as he said and he has no serious intention to be with me. He only said all those sweet things when he was in the good mood. After saying out loud and having time to digest and think about it for a few days or weeks, he changed his mind. That is the feeling he gave me because that was how he behaved!!! With him, I can never feel secure about his feelings for me. He is so fickle minded that it rubs off on me too. And when this happened, I turned needy and clingy and I couldn't stopped myself seeking answers from him. And the more he avoided giving me the truth, the more frustrated and upset I became.
He said he will always be mindful of my feeling as he didn't want to hurt people he likes and cares about, and that included me, but he hurts me so many times. I couldn't understand why he made the promises if he didn't plan to keep his words??? I asked him so many times, but he didn't want to tell me. I'm like talking to a wall!!
I hate, hate, hate his silence. It brought back the memories of him MIA without a word in the past. And I know for sure that he will blames me for pushing him away (if he MIA again this time) because I keep asking him to keep his promises!!! That's so fucking unfair to me!! 13 months coming and still not a fucking sign of him.
He only knows how to give me excuses that he wasn't feeling well and he is quite busy with work!!!! Fucking lame excuses!! If he really wants to spend time with me and make me understand his situations, he can just fly over for the night and have a face to face talk with me to clear the air. But no, never once!!!! And I sucked up to all his sweet words and forgave him for not showing up for the past 13 months!! I know I'm a fool, but I like him so much and I really thought that he wants to be with me. I didn't know that he isn't a man who doesn't keeps his promises.
I'm not an unreasonable person. I gave him plenty of chance to keep his promises to me. I played it cool for the last 1 year until I got fed up with his empty words!! He is so selfish sometimes that only his wants, needs and feelings matter. Mine doesn't mean shits to him!! And I'm even a bigger fool to keep forgiving him!
What can I say?? Except that I truly LIKE HIM!! And a lot more than I want to admit to myself! Haha. Sad, but true!! I hate him, but I hate myself too. I hate myself because I keep forgiving him, but I couldn't help myself because it is not in my nature to stay mad at someone I like a lot for long. I know he doesn't deserves to be given so many chances, but I like him a lot. And I really don't want him to be my only regret in life. Sigh!!!
God, please help me!!! I really don't know what to do with P anymore. Arrrggghhhhhh.........Help me!!!
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