Making peace with my past

I forgave myself

Finally I was able to forgive myself during my stayed in Rhodes. I forgave myself for my foolishness, stubbornness and blindness for trusting and falling in love with him. I forgave myself for believing and thinking he truly loved me and wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I forgave myself for wanting him to be in my life for as long as I'm alive. Most important of all, I forgave myself for being a fool!

It took me 1.5 years to forgive myself, but I did it. The 1st time I admitted and said it out loud I forgave myself was during my chat with Angela. We were talking about life and I told her that this year birthday was a good birthday even though I dined alone, but I didn't feel lonely or alone. I felt peaceful, happy and contented. I actually enjoyed my own company very much and I didn't feel the need to be surrounded by people. For the 1st time I truly understand how I felt celebrating alone. I didn't care if people think I was pitiful or whatever because what they think was irrelevant to me. I also shared with her that my trip to Rhodes was a trip to recharge and heal myself.

When Angela heard that I took 1.5 years to forgive myself for my foolishness, she commented that was long. She further said that all of us made mistakes and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for our past mistakes. She said it was good that I managed to forgive myself. And I couldn't agree more with her. Aside from Angela, I also admitted to another couple (Ian & Michelle) who stayed at the hotel at the same time as me when we were talking about life and experienced on the day I was to leave Rhodes. It felt really good to be able to admit and say it out loud that I forgave myself for all the mistakes I had made in the past. I knew at that moment I had finally stop beating myself up and stop searching for answers as to why he did what he did to me and treated me so badly. The need to search for answers and the truth weren't important anymore. I was finally able to let go! I felt light once again.

So far I admitted to 3 people that I took 1.5 years to forgive myself and their reaction was the same - that I took very long time to forgive myself and I didn't need to forgive myself. I told them I needed to because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to stop looking for answers as to why he treated me so badly, why he had to play with my heart and feelings. Forgiving myself is the final stage in healing my broken heart by accepting and admitting my mistakes openly and being ok with the mistake I had made in the past. Is kinda making peace with my own heart and mind 😊.

It was a long road to heal my heart, but I did it. And this time is for real. In the past, I always thought I had healed and moved on, but in actual fact I was forcing myself to heal and hence I didn't manage to heal properly. I finally understand the difference between a natural vs a force healing. I'm not sure if I will ever forget him, but I'm sure that thinking of him doesn't makes me angry anymore. He was a part of my life that I will never be able to erase because the experienced he gave me had contributed to the changes in me. So the best is just let it be.

Anyway, forgiving myself is the best gift I can give myself. It was really a long road for me, but it was necessary. Learn to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you have made and life will gets better.

Happy Sunday 😀

I AM SORRY!

FREEDOM

What is FREEDOM to you? Is it not having to worry about money?? Or is it the ability to say what you think and do what you want? I think all of us view freedom differently, but yet all of us share the same desire to have freedom.

Freedom isn't free! Contrary to the word itself, freedom comes with a price tag. We have to sacrifice something, be it money or our time, in exchange for our freedom. None of us will enjoy 100% freedom as we tend to bound ourselves to different type of commitments that will curtail our freedom. But some of us are much lucky as we enjoy more freedom than others.

For myself, I enjoy great freedom in many aspects and I will share why I'm so lucky. Firstly, I don't care about what people say or think of me. Hence it gives me the freedom to live the life I want without fear of repercussions. I live my life at my own terms and conditions and I can modify along the way as I deem fit to suit my lifestyle. Because I don't care about other people opinions and views of me, I can be MYSELF. The professional and personal me is the same. I don't wear mask, unlike most people. Hence it is a trait admire by most people.

Secondly, I have the financial freedom to choose the quality of life I want to live and enjoy. I don't have a lot of money and I do have loans commitment (like majority of the people, but I'm still able to support myself and travels when I feel like it. I still stay in 4-5 stars hotels/resorts, do my shopping and eat any food I want (not a big eater or a foodie so doesn't cost much for me to eat. haha). I haven't have a steady income for more than 3 years and I lost a fair bit of money in my investments (beer & restaurant businesses. not to mention got stuck with lousy asset in Ipoh that is causing me to burn a hole in my bank account with the loan instalment I have to pay. Bleeding me dry soon. haha), but yet I didn't need to sacrifice much for my quality of life. So not too bad.

Thirdly, I'm able to choose my work and career choice. I don't have to force myself to work for people to earn a steady income because of my financial freedom. I don't need to force myself to get up at 7am to get to work daily and do reporting or paperworks. This is the freedom that majority of the people crave for and I'm bless to be able to have it. Not only I'm able to do what I love, I also get to choose the deals I want to work on. Simply put I don't work for money. I work on a deal/project because I know I will learn new things and I get to work with people who are like minded like me, friendly and professional. I want to work on a deal/project that not only adds more zeroes in my bank account, but also able to feed my brain and my soul. In simple words, I can't be bought by money. Of course I love to be rewarded by money, but it is not the pinnacle of the reward for me.

Fourthly, I'm single hence I have the freedom to do whatever I please without having to seek another person "ok" or make compromises in my decisions or have to consider the other person feelings/thoughts/views. I can go where I want/love and do what I like/love. Of course there will be people out there who would say I'm selfish and lonely (which I admit I feel occasionally), but I don't care what they say/think because without freedom it is like living without air. I have witnessed too many relationship failures/dramas and seriously makes me think thrice about sacrificing my freedom in exchange for a full-time lover. I will only seriously consider being in a relationship if my freedom isn't curtailed and the compromised I have to make will not affect me too drastically or greatly. Otherwise, I think I might just opt to have fuck buddy or casual relationship.

I don't need a man to support me financially or emotionally. I just want a man to satisfy me physically when I want it so why buy a tree when I can have the forest 😜?? Anyway, in short, freedom to me is the ability to choose the life I want both professionally and personally. And so far I'm lucky and bless to be able to enjoy freedom in both areas of my life.

I wish everyone will soon be able to achieve their own FREEDOM too. Happy Tuesday peeps!

Upcoming B'day trip- Rhodes, Greece

Looking forward to my upcoming 1 week birthday getaway to Rhodes Island in Greece. I always want to go to other Greek islands hence I decided to spend my upcoming birthday on August 12 in Rhodes. I will be flying off on the 9th August to Athens, stay a night in Sofitel and on the 10th will fly to Rhodes. I booked a small boutique hotel operated by a couple and so far the owner was very prompt in replying my emails. He even gave me a 25% discount when I told him I was going to celebrate my birthday there. Is kinda cool.

And when I asked him for airport pick up service, he told me he doesn't provides that service but referred me to a taxi operator who can pick me up from the airport and bring me to the door steps of the hotel. I wrote to the taxi operator and he responded within 24 hours. I was impressed with their prompt response and helpfulness.

I haven't plan my daily itinerary during my stay in Rhodes as I intend to follow my heart and do whatever I feel like when I wake up each day. I might not do much on a particular day except for just wandering around aimlessly or drinking wine and reading a good book or people watching. I really don't feel like I have to do a lot of activities to keep myself busy or my trip worthwhile. I want to just follow my heart desires and see where it takes me each day.

I want to be a different type of tourist rather than the typical type where it is compulsory to visit the local attractions and take photos to show that I have been there and done that. I want to try a different travel style and see how it makes me feel. 2017 is a year of testing new approaches/styles/territories. Therefore, Rhodes will be my 1st new test ground for my new travel style.

I have a strong feeling that I will fully enjoy my own company and downtime during the 1 week stay in Rhodes. In the past, I felt that if I don't have anyone to celebrate with me it means that no one loves me enough to care about my birthday. But I don't think like that anymore especially after so much dramas I had to experience in 2016 I have a different outlook on spending time alone. I will take this opportunity to meet new people because it is always easier for solo traveler to meet new people than those travel with friends or family. I'm really looking forward to this upcoming birthday break.

The hotel I will be staying in is called Kokkini Porta Rossa, which is located inside the Old Town and I was informed that taxi needs permit to enter the Old Town. I'm very instructed to explore and I believe it is safe for me to venture out at night too. There is also a New Town so there will be plenty to do. In fact the hotel owner suggested to me to take a day trip to nearby islands. And I might even attempt to drive around the island. If I do that it will be my 1st time driving on the left hand side of the road and in a foreign country. It should be fun. Haha.

Anyway, another 2.5 weeks more to go before my birthday adventure starts. Can't wait 😁

Don’t Feel Stupid For Loving The Wrong Person

copied the whole article I came across on Thought Catalog as it described my feeling and thinking to a T. There were times I did everything described as below. It wasn't something I wanted to think and feel, but unfortunately sometimes my mind was still trying to find answers to all the whys that are still bothering me. Honestly, I'm still trying to learn to forgive myself for my stupidity for trusting a man who turned out to be untrustworthy (I'm not going to start ranting and writing about the man anymore).

Anyway, when I came across this article I just knew I have to share and post it on my blog to remind me that I shouldn't feel stupid at all. Is easier said than done, but I'm learning to stop beating myself up for my stupidity and blind trust in a man whom I loved much more than I ever admitted to him.

"You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
He only wanted you
when she didn’t want him.
And you thought he was different,
you thought he won’t lie to you,
you thought that he’d be so dumb
to lie to you out of everyone else.
Because you’ve always been the one
who talked to him about fairytales.
You’ve always been the one
who told him you can’t stand his games.
But he lied to you anyway,
because he could,
because that’s who he is.
He broke your heart and
didn’t lose sleep over it
because that’s who he is,
he’s selfish and self-absorbed.
He doesn’t understand fragile hearts.
He doesn’t understand you.
He doesn’t understand love.
But don’t feel stupid for loving him,
for it’s never stupid to love.
And it’s never dumb to believe.
It’s not wrong to fall,
what’s wrong is letting guys like him
spoil your idea of love.
Because really the only thing stupid here
is the fact that he let you go.
but you — you are brave and smart,
and your heart is magnanimous"

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, 

Porn

Recently I had an interesting conversation with a few clients. 1 of the topic we openly talked about was porn. I admitted to them I watch porn as I don't find anything wrong with women watching porn. And seriously I don't think there is anything wrong for men to watch porn too. Porn to me is just like any other entertainment. I watched porn because I was curious about the different sex styles between Asians and Westerners. And honestly, some of the porn clips were pretty funny especially the Japanese porn as the women moaning is so fake!! And they are bushy and hairy. I find it such a turn off when women don't shave and keep it neat and smooth. Even for men is the same. I just find it such a turn off if I find a man bushy and hairy. I prefer a man who does trimming and keeping it tidy and clean. Hahaha! Yes, I'm not ashamed of talking about porn and sex. I couldn't think of a reason why I should be ashamed to talk openly about porn and sex as it is part of life. Nothing is taboo or off limits to me.

During that discussion, there was another female client there. She's a Singaporean and she never watch porn before. Honestly, I was kinda surprised she has never watch porn. She was surprised I did. Lol. Couldn't blame because I think only a very small % of Asian women have actually watched porn and even rarer for them to admit that they watched it. I'm the exception to the rule 😂😂!

Seriously, I'm very open-minded and I don't get offended easily. I have a very curious mind hence I like to explore and learn new things. Of course people would tell me that I don't get to learn anything from watching porn, but not true for me. I did learned a few tricks 🤣🤣!

Anyway, my point is is ok for women to watch porn. Is even fun to watch it with your man and treat it as an entertainment. Of course I'm not saying is ok to watch it a few times a day because then it will be too excessive. But occasional watching can helps to spice up your sex life with your partner. If you haven't try watching, give it a try before you chastise people who do watch porn. Keep an open mind about watching porn as long as it doesn't turns into an obsession.

As for me, I will continue to watch as and when I feel like it. And I will even invite my lover (when I find one) to watch it with me to make our sex life more fun and exciting 😂😛! Life is too short for me to care about what society think of me. I want to experience and enjoy life at my own terms. Give it a try. If you watch it once and doesn't like it, then you don't have to watch it again. But at least give it a watch to find out for yourself how it make you feel.

Anyway, have a great Saturday night whatever you choose to do. Ciao

Vion - 1 of my best friend of 23 years

Just had a late lunch cum early dinner. Tonight going to attend a Moet party at Arena Bar. Tomorrow will be spending time with 1 of my best friend from Hong Kong, Vion. I have known her for 23 years already. We met in university. We both studied in HPU and during my stayed in Hawaii, she had been a great friend to me. I had a severe lower back pain at 20 years old and couldn't sit, sleep ad stand without feeling a severe sharp pain. At that time Vion was working as a clerk in a chiropractor's office. I called her in the middle of the night for helped and she came immediately. She brought the chiropractor with her and to help me to lessen my pain. I was all alone in Hawaii and she was the only friend who had car back then. Subsequently, she arranged for me to go to the chiropractor's clinic to get treatments. It helped to lessen my lower back pain. I was told by the chiropractor that I had a mild sclerosis and until today I still experience lower back pain. Yoga helps, but if I stand or sit or walk too much, the sharp pain will hits me and makes me grumpy and helpless!

Anyway, coming back to Vion. She is the type of person who shoots her mouth and sometimes her words were very piercing and sarcastic. She speaks her mind and doesn't gives a rat shit about what people think of her. I can talk to her about anything and everything. She is actually a very caring and nice person if you can accept her bluntness. She is even more blunt than me!!! Haha! Is true. I have accepted her for who she is and doesn't get offended easily by the words that came out of her mouth. In fact, I can count on her to give me the un-sugarcoated version of things. She will exert her views even if I don't ask for it 😀! I'm cool with her as overall she means well and just looking out for my best interests.

She always takes the initiative to reach out to me by calling me when she hasn't heard from me for a period of time. Usually we will speak 1-2 times a month just to catch up on life. She is street smart (typical HKger) and is doing fair well as a property agent in HK.

When we were both studying in Hawaii, she would called me up after my night class and asked if I had eaten. When I told her I hadn't, she would drove to my condo in Waikiki Beach to take me out for dinner. I can still remember an incident where her car was tolled away by the authority because she parked next to the hydrant. We were panicked when we couldn't find the car. Our 1st thought was it might had been stolen. But when we looked again at the spot she parked, we realised that it was most likely that it was tolled away by the authority. Haha. It was a lesson learnt not to park next to a hydrant.

I'm grateful to have her as my good friend. I told her everything about my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful parts of my life journey. She will always be 1 of my best friend till the end of my life.

Well she has been in KL for more than 1 week, but because she has a fair bit of friends in KL so she only has time to catch up with me tomorrow. Beside, I was busy during weekdays with appointments and meetings so I'm cool to spend time with her tomorrow. I'm going to take her for tim-sum, follow by a site visit, some shopping and then dinner with my dad, stepmom and half sister. They met her before and Vion loves to chat with dad as she always says my dad is a funny man and also she has lots of respects for my dad because of his never gives up fighting spirit. My dad is a super positive man. I believe I inherited his positive thinking 😁!

Oh well, tomorrow night dinner will be full of laughter for sure. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with Vion as her brashness and bluntness are refreshing. But having said that, I have a limit of how many days I can enjoy her company. Not so much because of her, but more to do with myself. I have a need to shutdown and be by myself after spending long amount of time with people irregardless if they are my family or good friends. I just need my alone time to clear my mind and enjoy my own company. If I don't get that I will become grumpy and irritated. Maybe is because I'm so used to my own company I can't handle too much time being surrounded by people and noises.

So a day in her company is just perfect for me 😝😁. But now I have to stop here as I need to go and buy some groceries before heading home. Happy weekend everyone!!

Am I feeling lonely??

1 year ago I wrote a post titled "Loneliness exists in all of us" and today I want to write a post answering my own above question?

I will be lying if I say I don't crave to have a suitable partner in my life to share my ups and downs, my happiness and sadness and my life journey with. But at the same time I also understand how it feels to be alone and yet not feel lonely vs with someone and yet feel lonely.

I think the later is the worst feeling one can ever feel because when we are with someone that person is supposed to make us feel less lonely and fill the hole in our heart and life, but yet when we aren't with the right person we don't get the connection and without the right connection and chemistry it is pointless and useless to be with that person. And to make thing worst sometime we are stuck with the person for whatever reason and we have to endure the feeling of loneliness.

I don't want to put myself through the above situation I just described because I had experienced it before (at least 3x) and it was the worst feeling ever. My brain started to play trick on me and made me emotional. I cried and longed for companionship. I asked myself what was wronged with me that I'm still single and shouldering all the problems in my life by myself. I hate feeling so weak, vulnerable and needy. But it didn't last long as I usually refund fairly quickly from my emotional meltdown.

Although I still feel lonely occasionally, but no emotional meltdown anymore. Reason being is because I understand the differences between singled and lonely vs being in a relationship and lonely. Once I understand how I feel in these 2 situations, instead of feeling lonely I feel appreciative that I'm single and having the freedom to do whatever I want in my life.

I don't filled all my time with activities to keep the loneliness at bay. Instead, I embraced the feeling and let it ride it out itself. Usually it didn't last long. Maybe because my super positive thinking and attitude helps me to overcome the feeling of loneliness. And also I heard too many unhappy marriage/relationship stories from friends hence I value my single life even more.

If I have to tolerate unhappiness so that I won't feel lonely, I will choose to feel lonely than being unhappy. I tasted both before and I choose loneliness is because if such a feeling hits me I can still call up my dad and friends to whine to them or share with them my happiness. But unhappiness, I can't share and it is harder to shake it off. At least for me.

So to sum up this post, yes I do feel lonely once a blue moon, but it wasn't enough to make me desperately looking and wanting a man. Once bitten, twice shy best describes my current feeling and view of relationship at this moment.

Just a gentle reminder.....is ok to feel lonely.  But is not ok to live in it permanently. Enjoy the life you are given by god with or without a partner in your life. Just go with the flow and see where your life journey takes you too. Always remember that having a partner doesn't guarantee that you won't feel lonely anymore. Always keep that in mind and you will know how to handle the next time the feeling of loneliness hits you again 😉!

Cheerio world!!

Closer to my goals

I'm working on an exciting deal that will yield me very substantial financial reward if the deal goes thru. Is getting closer, but I won't know for sure if I have successfully pull off the deal until Sept/Oct this year. It will be a deal that will makes my competitors envious and garner me unnecessary attention. In my professional life, I prefer to be low profile as I don't want my competitors to get wind of the deals I'm working on. But unfortunately, my blonde color hair it is hard to fly under the radar. Haha.

Beside, my industry is a very small market. Once you had built up a reputation and track record, other competitors will know who you are. And not sure fortunate or unfortunate for me, I have built up a good reputation for myself in the industry and hence people tend to be curious about what I'm doing and etc.

In fact, there are many people who remember or recognise me, but yet I don't remember them especially those I don't deal with often. I feel flattered when people came up to me and told me they know me and counted off to me some of the deals I had concluded successfully. I actually find it amusing too as I'm the type person who doesn't gives a shit about my competitors and definitely don't remember their name and achievements.

I don't envy the financial reward they earn because I know if I work hard and smart I will earn my own financial reward too. I make enough of money to sustain and maintain my own lifestyle and I'm happy and proud of myself. I don't have everything as I always tell people, but I have things I want to have in my life which I bought with my own hard earned money. Except for a some gifts from dad and brother (watches, bags, diamonds).

Sure, I love to have someone I love present me with gifts, but I'm ok with buying things for myself and not wait until someone gets it for me. Anyway, praying hard for my deals.

Wish me luck 😄!

Disappointed with 1 of my best friend

Out of the blue I got a WhatsApp chat from my best friend, AnnTea, asking me how am I getting on? I thought for a minute she was really interested to know about the latest update about my life as we haven't seen nor speak to each other for a few months now. I have stopped making effort to meet up with her for lunch or dinner because she can never finds time for me everytime I asked her to catch up. So after awhile I just gave up as I don't like to keep asking because it makes me feel like I'm forcing her to see me. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have stopped chasing people. I'm here and I will always make time for people I value in my life if they reciprocate the same. If they don't, I won't force them too.

Anyway, after giving her a brief update about my life, she replied with a surprised news. She told me she got breasts implant!!!!!!!!! And wanted to know the website where I bought my bikinis (I usually bought from brazilian bikini website). When I heard the news about her implant, I felt disappointed with her. She has a nice pair of sizeable boobs (she is 51 this year), although a bit sagging (according to her), I still didn't think she needs to get an implant. My gut feeling is she got the implant to please and keep her cheating husband as they are back together after he filed for divorce (my gf said they never remarried) although she said the reason was she wanted fuller breasts!!

She is a very successful and capable woman, but she is also insecure and craves attention when it comes to personal relationship. She admitted it to me herself. The fact that she kicked her cheating and abusive (he hit her a few times) husband back into her life for 6-7 times just showed how much craps she is willing to put up with! She claimed that she forgave him because she wants the kids to grow up in an intact family, but yet her kids witnessed how their dad treated her including both verbal and physical abuses.

People think growing up in a single parent family is bad for the kids growing up. I disagree. I grew up in a broken family and yet I have a good life by my own standard. I'm very disappointed with AnnTea. I never thought she would be so insecure of her own body and physical image. Anyway, is her body. Whatever her reasons for getting the implant was her choice. If it makes her happy then that's all the matter.

As for me, I will forget about my disappointment very fast as it doesn't concerns me. This exchanged made me realised that we are drifting apart. As I become more secure and comfortable in my own skin, she is becoming more vain and insecure. I choose to walk away from people who doesn't value me as me, but she choose to change herself to make people value and like her more. This is life. People change and we can either choose to accept or not. If we choose to accept, then we need to learn to accept all aspects of them. If we choose not to accept, then we just walk away and minimise the contact with them.

Always, always do your best to accept yourself including all the flaws. Always remember that!