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To all my readers on this blog, I will stop posting new posts on this blog as I this interface isn't user friendly.

For those who still want to read my posts, you may find me at www.freespiritedcolumn.wordpress.com

Thank you for reading my blog all this time. Merry X'mas and Happy New Year.

Photo of Grandma

This is the only photo I have with my grandma. I'm surprised that I didn't have more photos with her as I grew up under her care and love. I thought I had taken more photos with her, but apparently this is the only 1 I have with me. I asked my aunty to check if she might has some of my photos with grandma. I wished I had taken more with her when she was still around.

My grandma actually went to stay in Hawaii with me for over a month or more when I was studying there. I showed her around Hawaii a bit, but most of the time she stayed at home as I went to attend classes. I didn't bring her out a lot as she had weak legs. I wished I had the chance to spend more time with her now.

I should had been nice to my grandma. She was the one person in the world who had loved me unconditionally no matter what I did wronged. She always sided me. Haha. Everyone in the family said I was spoiled because of her. Which was true.

No one was able to bully me with my grandma around. Without her unconditional loved, cared and support I wouldn't be who I'm today. But yet I didn't know how to appreciate her when I was younger. If I have any regret, it would be not knowing how to appreciate my grandma when she was around.
I always feel emotional when I have to write about my grandma. She was always there for me through thick and thin. When my dad was too poor to take care of me financially, it was my grandma who supported me with her own money. She would cooked my favourite dishes for me to eat after school. And yet, I wasn't being a good granddaughter to her as I didn't treat her nicely when she was around. I had a very bad temper when I was young and I would scold everyone who pissed me off including all my elders and got away with it. My grandma put up with me the most and thinking back now I felt bad for my actions. I was childish, ill tempered and disrespectful. I can't turn back the clock and I can't treat my grandma nicer now as she is no longer in my life.

Well, looking on the positive side at least I still have a picture with my grandma. I wish I have more, but it is pointless to cry over spilled milk now. Is too late to do anything. I can only hope that my aunt has more pictures of grandma and I, even if it is a group family photo.

It was tough to grow up in a broken family with a psychotic mum, but my grandma made it bearable or else I might had turned into a bad apple and not be who I'm today and reap the success I'm enjoying now. I'm lucky to have my grandma in my life for 20+ years. I wish it was longer, but it wasn't up to me to decide.

No one truly knows me or my story except for a handful. Even then, they didn't know the depth of my feelings and thoughts, my struggles when I was growing up, the disappointment and etc. Only the thought of my grandma is still able to make me cry as I love her a lot. I didn't know when I was younger, but I know for sure now I love her a lot. She is my rock, my anchor. And I miss her now 😢😢😢😢.

She always had my back and made sure I weren't bully by anyone. It was never easy growing up as I needed to learn to fend for myself since I was just a few years old. So don't anyone dare to pass judgment on my life, the decisions and choices I made unless you have walked in my shoes and experienced the same as me. If not, then I appreciate if you keep your thoughts and views to yourself. All I want is not to be bully, but yet I was bully by the man I loved the most. Anyway, this post isn't about him. Is about my grandma.

I feel calmer now and has stopped crying. Haha. Big cry baby.

Ma ma, I miss you.......

Affair

Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can't call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn't, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let's identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn't good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn't bother to remember as it doesn't concerns me.
Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don't know and I don't care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don't get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won't deny that I'm curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn't. I'm curious, but I never ask any V and I don't act weird around them when I see them together. I don't pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn't right, but 1 hand can't clap. Just like 1 person can't tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S's dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn't raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V's parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X'mas. S's wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don't judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don't know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.
Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I'm proud to say I'm not one of those people as my life is very open. I'm not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I'm wrong. I don't hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I'll admit and face the consequences. I'm not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn't values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy's friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn't wants him to divorce her and doesn't mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don't. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don't pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don't condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge. 

Traveling preferences

When I was in my 20s', I preferred to travel to famous city such as London or Paris as I find it glamorous to let my friends know I visited those cities. But over past few years, my preference has changed. I prefer nature more where I can chill and relax without being surrounded by a big crowds. I get tired easily when I'm surrounded by sea of people. Also, cities don't appeal to me too much because I will be looking at steel structures all around me. To be honest, I'm sick and tired of looking at buildings. Sometimes even claustrophobic. I admire interesting and unique buildings design like those designed by Antoni Gaudi in Barcelona. Those are really fascinating and unique. Otherwise I will stay away from having my holidays in cities.

In my early 30s', it was still a balance of both cities and nature holidays. But from mid 30s' onwards it all changed for me especially towards the recent few years I prefer more scenic and cultural types of holidays. I find it really relaxing and I can recharge and rejuvenate compare to cities as it is much more laid back. Beside shopping also isn't on the top of my to do lists anymore hence cities don't have much to offer me compare to nature and scenic holidays.

What I actually likes to do a lot more now is adventure holidays where I can try fun and exciting outdoor adventures such as skydiving, zip lining, bungee jump and etc. I also like to try 4x4 wheels driving holidays. But traveling solo can be boring if I do driving holidays. Sigh. This is the time I wish I have a man in my life so that we can explore the world together. My gfs' aren't adventurous or they have budget constraints. So can't go with them. Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to do it on my own. I plan to do one next year to Tibet if I have time.

I also want to go New Zealand and do a driving holidays. I will plan one soon. Another on the top of my bucket list is Northern lights. I really wish to see it with a love one (at that time I was hoping to be him. Haha. Silly me), but now I don't mind with friends or family. Hoping to catch northern lights end of 2018/early 2019 😁😁😁.

I still wish to go to Bora-Bora with a man I love, but if I still don't have one when I want to go there then I will go alone. A tad not so fun, but then again I can have a summer fling with a  hot guy. Haha. Will see.

And for which season is my favourite, it has to be spring and summer because the weather is nice. Bright and sunny. Not too overly cold in spring hence I don't need to bring to many coats and boots when I travel compare to winter. Summer is my favourite and prefer month because it is my birthday month hence I love it. Haha. Beside I can pack light. Shorts, summer dresses, tank tops and sandals.
I dislike winter a lot because it is gloomy, cold and rainy. I hate it when I'm on holiday the weather sucks. Just makes me feel moody and I have to stay indoor all the time. Really depressing. Plus I have to pack a lot of clothes too. That will fill up my luggage before I even start shopping 🙄🙄.
Nowadays I hate a heavy luggage. I prefer to travel light unlike when I was younger, I packed a lot of clothes because I changed 3x a day. Haha....Yes I did. But now I just want to wear comfortable clothes and if I don't bring enough clothes I can always buy and wear on the spot. Last time, I wouldn't want to wear the new clothes until I got back to my own country. Seriously I was weird 😂😂.

Fall isn't a bad time to travel too, but not my favourite because the weather can be erratic too. 1 hour sunny and bright, the next rainy and gloomy since it is moving into winter. I think my preferences have to do with my age too. As I mature, I look at life very differently and I'm at this phase of life where I'm moving towards decluttering. So traveling preferences also have changed drastically over the years except for the fact that I still need to stay in a luxury hotel/resort on my every trip. Hahaha. Luxury can be a boutique hotel too, not necessary need to be W Hotel, Conrad or Banyan just to name a few.

And if it is long distance I need to fly Business class. Again, not willing to compromise on this at all. Long distance being more than 5 hours for me 😛😛. Yes, it is necessary. A need. Not even a want. LOL.

Anyway, in 2018 I hope I can travel to Tibet and to Iceland for northern lights. I have put off these 2 places for a few years now and it is time I have to make sure I fulfill it and check it off my bucket lists.

Demon in us

I watched the movie Dr Strange again last night and the Master told 1 of her disciples, "there is a demon in all of us. Is just that we rise above it". What she said was so true. I believe there is a demon living in all of us and majority of the population are able to control this ugly dark side of ourselves while others succumbs to it. And even then, we aren't born evil and bad. People turned bad and evil because of their experienced and environment. Because of bad, traumatic and unfortunate experienced couple with a horrible and terrible environment, the demon in some of us rise above from darkness to the surface and became a dominant in our life. No one wants to be a bad person and no one is borne a bad person. I truly believe that everyone of us were borne good and want to grow up to be a good person too.

But sometimes it isn't up to us to decide especially if the person repeatedly have bad experienced thrown at him/her. There are only so much of pain, torture, torment, hurt, neglect, abuse and etc a person can take. Once it became too overwhelming, I think the person will shutdown emotionally and instead of choosing to see the good in people and situations, the person can only see ugly darkness and evil in people and situations. Hence it is a question of control. Most of us have control over our emotions/feelings/actions and we will do our utmost best not to screw ourselves up.
I had experienced darkness during the period when I was wrongly and basely accused by him for something I didn't do. At that time, all I could think of were revenge and I had killed him many times in my head. I wanted him to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to hire a gangster to beat him up to be honest. I just wanted to see him suffer and in pain like what he did to me. Although he didn't hurt me physically, but the emotional pain and hurt he inflicted on me were terrible that it left me mentally paralysed for a few months. No one knew how much hurt and heartache I went through and how I cried myself to sleep every night for almost 6 months. And even when I stopped crying myself to sleep, I was still sad and I couldn't stop thinking of him and what he did to me. The accusation was the hardest and deepest blow to my heart. it shattered me to pieces because to be accused by someone I used to love for something I didn't do was just plain cruel and ugly.

It was then that I decided to openly write about us, our affair, his emotional and physical cheating, exposing his identity and everything that he claimed we weren't and untrue. I had SMSes and emails to back up my words and exposure. I was so hurt, angry and in so much pain that the dark side of me managed to surface and temporary took over control of me emotionally and mentally. I shutdown and I allowed the darkness to envelope me because I could numbed myself until I don't feel the pain and hurt as I was so focus of making his life miserable. I felt a temporary relieved when I thought how humiliated he would be when people who know him read my posts on this blog about us. I didn't care about what people think of me. I just wanted to make him paid for his asshole treatment of me especially when I had been good and nice to him. I had never harm and hurt him hence I didn't deserve what he did to me.

If I had access to gangsters whom I could hire to beat him up, I wouldn't hesitate to hire!! I mean back then, not now or future. It was my darkest period last year and I was literally a walking zombie. I didn't like who I became especially when he was the cause of it. I hate how my thoughts were consumed by dark and ugly thoughts of revenge. Thank goodness I was able to pull myself out of the darkness and see the light again although it took me almost 1.5 years to fully recover from the heartbreak. I never told anyone who knows me as I don't want to explain what happened to me, how he treated and accused me as I didn't want to relive the pain, hurt and heartbreak again. I broke down to cry even in public just the mentioned of his name in the 1st 3 months after his baseless accusation. I feel so victimised because I didn't have a chance to defend myself against his accusation and also he played with my emotions, feelings and loved for him and then he discarded me aside by painting me as an evil person. Anyway, it was the past.

Now I'm very much back in my old and usual positive thinking mode and I don't feel the darkness in me anymore. I don't have negative thoughts about him anymore. And I don't even want to mention his name further because I don't want to his name alive anymore. He was definitely a lesson I needed because I truly learned so much about myself during this period of recovery. And I can safely said I became a better version of myself. So there was something good out of it.

So yes, because of my own experienced and now I see things much more clearly and differently, I finally understand why some people are bad. People don't turn bad overnight. They are turning bad gradually as they accumulate more bad experiences. This is life. And now that I'm very conscious of my feelings/emotions/thinking, I'm able to control and suppress the darkness in me from rising again. I had put myself through several tests in the last few months and I passed with flying colors. I'm happy to know that I regain my old positive self.

I don't wish him dead anymore, but I also can't bring myself to wish him well because I don't feel it in me to wish him well. Although I have managed to heal from my pain, hurt and heartbreak, doesn't mean I want to wish him well. I haven't forgotten his cruel and baseless accusation. It doesn't consume my thinking and haunt me anymore, but I haven't forgotten yet. And I don't think I will forget because it was a deep and permanent scar.

As I had said before, if he could accused and created the story about his wife cheated on him in his emails. Click on the link to read it  (Peter Wittendorp's Accused His Wife Cheated on Him). Not only in emails, but also text messages, WhatsApp and in person too. Hence, I shouldn't be shocked and surprised that he did that to me too. But it did hurt like hell. And a heartless, selfish and cold-hearted man like him will never cares who he hurts as long as his own ass is protected. Ok, I better stop before the demon in me is coming out again!!! hahahaha......

Goodnite world!

p.s. At least I have the guts to admit my truest feelings and thoughts openly. I'm not afraid to be judged because what people think of me is unimportant and irrelevant. I'm who I'm. And I don't need people to like me. I just want to live my life as openly and honestly as possible. As I have always said, if I have done something bad or wrong I will admit. If I didn't, I will protest until I go to my grave and the next life too! 

Bangkok Break (24-26 Nov 2017)

Last night in Bangkok. Arrived yesterday (24 Nov 2017) and leaving tomorrow (26 Nov 2017). Staying at Siam Kempinski. This trip is a short break and shopping trip with Gin, my gf. Is darn tiring as we spent long hours shopping and walking.

Now we are waiting for Uber to go to Rod Fai night market! Been waiting for 30mins already although it said he is only 5 mins away. When I ordered the Uber ride it was 6.08pm and 9mins away. Now 6.36pm and 4mins away!! Bangkok traffic is horrendous. A supposing 9mins distance. Crazy!! Finally inside the car and otw to Rod Fai night market.

I bought a lot of tops. Not expensive but nice designs. For daily wear. I'm not brand conscious when it comes to clothes. It sure feels good to wear a designer brand but it doesn't adds to my self worth. Beside I don't like to spend my clothes for dry cleaning as it is too troublesome. Hence I usually buy non-branded clothes to wear. I'm a simple person who isn't brand conscious. And nowadays I will be only dress up when there is an event. Otherwise I prefer comfortable clothes.

This 2nd part is written in a plane as I'm flying back to KL now. The short break and shopping had come to an end so is time to go back to work. Next week should be an interesting week with 3 meetings schedule.

This trip was tiring on my feet as I walked a lot! Every night I needed to soak my feet in hot water to soothe the tiredness. And I ate a fair bit so need to start dieting when I'm back in KL. I have a tummy now 😭😭! Need to get back my flat stomach. We went back to the same local Thai restaurant for lunch 2 days in a row - Taling Pling (restaurant name). The food were yummy and reasonably price.

My verdict of this trip ....hmm, Siam Kempinski is an overrated hotel that isn't worth the rate they are charging. It is an old and tired hotel that can use a refurbishment. The location is excellent, but not enough to make me want to return to stay again. The customer service was not on par with 5 stars luxury at all. I had problem with the TV in my room for the 2 nights I stayed there. Even after fixing, there were still issues. Pretty annoying to be honest. But I didn't let it spoilt my holiday. Just don't think is worth the price I paid for it and definitely wouldn't recommend it to anyone. And housekeeping standard sucks....on my 1st night I could see the floor was dusty. I expected it to be in tip top condition but it wasn't. So not happy with that. At best I will rate Siam Kempinski 4 stars. That's my verdict for the hotel. From the limited photos I took, you can draw the conclusion that the hotel is just normal and nothing to shout about. If it is a great hotel I would had taken a lot more photos. Haha.

As for the trip itself.......not bad overall as I had eaten some delicious local Thai food, bought some inexpensive tops and accessories. But it would be much better if Gin was less budget conscious. Having said that I have to give her a big thumb up for agreeing to stay at Siam Kempinski as it was more expensive than her usual budget. But then she did complaining non-stop too that it was expensive and next time must stay in cheaper hotel. The fact was I asked her if she was ok with the hotel and budget and she said yes. Then she repeated a few times that the hotel too expensive. Sigh. I gave her the chance to say no and even suggest other hotels, but she said go ahead. So I did. Anyway, it wasn't too unbearable so it didn't affect me at all. And she can eat a lot so was kinda nice as we ordered many dishes to try. Haha.

Shopping in Bangkok was really fun as I managed to find good quality bargains and there were sale everywhere. So plenty of choices to choose from. I will post some photos of my loots as well 😉😀.
We talked, but not deep talked as when we were in Bali. This trip she talked about her kids more and I was fine with it. What I didn't find fine was when she commented that she will just bear with her life even though she feels trap in it! This is something I can't accept. I'm not asking her to have an exciting life, but at least not waste it away by just accepting the current situation. Fix it! She knows there are issues in her marriage, but she doesn't wants to talk to her husband about it. And her hubby also doesn't initiate the talk so both of them ignore the issues and continue living a life that isn't a fulfilling marital life. Sexless for over 9 years!!! Crazy and unbelievable. Her husband is really weird. I seriously couldn't understand how they could live a life like that??

Oh well, is her choice so I'm not going to say too much but respect her choice even though I feel that she isn't living her life to the fullest. Everyone of us have our own destiny and path to follow so it isn't my place to tell her how to live her life.

So my final verdict on this trip......a good trip although tiring.

A little bit about "Me"

November is a slow month. No meetings schedule till next week. Been sitting at home waiting for decisions from Developers. Really bored. So today decided to have a late lunch at LeBar Sofitel KL as I want to get out of the house. Been holed up in the house for the entire week except went out for groceries shopping. Ordered food delivery hence didn't need to go out for food too. Hahaha.

I literally sat at home and played game to prevent my brain from thinking too much. I'm also trying not to do to many soul searching thinking as I did a lot of that in the past 1.5 years and I'm sure I know myself much more deeply now. I don't want to plan too far ahead as I don't know what is around the corner waiting for me. There are things I want to achieve in life and I'm working very hard to achieve my goals. Basically, I need to rebuild my financial nest. Once my financial is back to a stable and healthy level I will be able to embark on my colourful life journey again. I have to temporary slow it down because I have a fair bit of financial obligations that I need to fulfill and without a steady flow or a large chunk of income stream going into my bank account, I can't freely embark on my colourful life journey. Is kinda frustrating sometimes as I can't go out and do what I want to, but I have to be patient because I put myself in this predicament by investing too much properties when the market was booming and now I'm stuck with properties that I can't sell yet and took too long to rent it out. So it burnt a hole in my bank account. Plus a huge chunk of my cash is stuck in stock market as I can't sell the shares I bought at the peak because the prices are super low now. So have to wait for it to climb back to a healthy level before I cash out. And I hadn't worked for almost 3 years and living on my savings so depleting my bank account further. And although I started working again last year, the salary I received was way too pathetic that it wasn't even enough to cover my condo monthly instalment. I did closed a few deals, but only enough to help em to cover my living expenses. At least it helps to pay bills, but definitely not enough to allow me to indulge in the type of colourful life journey that I was used to. Temporary setback until I get my financial back on track.

So now what I have to do is work hard and work smart to build up my financial again. I have a strong feeling that 2018 will be a great year for me. Once my financial is back to a healthy level, I will relook into going back to university for my MBA in psychology. It has always been my wish to go back to graduate school for this subject. Human behaviour is an interesting subject for me to analyse and explore. I wished I took up psychology during my undergraduate rather than business management and marketing. Anyway, it isn't too late for me to pursue this subject. At least now, I study for fun and not to get a job so the pressure is off to deliver good grades. Haha. Anyway, I was an alright student seeing that I rarely study except 1 week before the exam. My overall GPA was 3.5 so ain't too bad. I would say I'm a street smart person more than book smart although I like to read a lot. Just not educational materials. Haha.

I'm a rebellious kid since I was young being the eldest not only in my family, but in the entire clan too. So I got pampered a lot even though I grew up in a broken family. My grandma (dad's side) not only loved me a lot, but she pampered and spoiled me to the maximum. Although I had a few years of very sad and dark childhood, I still grew up alright because of my grandma. I loved her loads, but when I was younger I didn't show her my love enough and definitely didn't know how to appreciate her until much later in life which was already too late as she passed away almost 15 years. She didn't get to see my success today. If she is still around today I'm sure she will be very proud of me. I miss her. I miss my grandma. Without her unwavering love and support I wouldn't be who I'm today. I owe part of what I own today to my grandma. She didn't only give me love, attention, but she also supported my financially when my dad was poor and couldn't support me. And I don't remember thanking my grandma properly. I think there were many moments that I found her annoying and irritating. I was very impatient with her as she got older and slower in her movements. I also didn't spend enough time with her when she was alive. Now that I'm writing about my grandma, I'm feeling sad as I didn't spend enough time with her before she passed away. And I didn't say a proper thank you and goodbye to her. I think I will do it now.

"Ma Ma, thank you for your love, care and support for me when I was growing up. You were my anchors. Without you, I might not have achieved so much in life and be who I'm today. You will always be in my heart. And I'm sorry for not being a better granddaughter. I miss you a lot 😘😘. I hope you are happy where you are now. I'm sure you are in heaven. I love you always"

I'm feeling emotional now. And I'm sobbing while writing the above. I'm still sitting in LeBar in Sofitel and trying to hold back my tears. Haha.

I grew up in a broken family and had experienced 1st hand being neglected by my parents. My mum was because she had me when she was too young and just never grew up. My dad was because he had to work to support the family so always not around as he was a traveling salesman then. My dad still travels a lot now, but it doesn't bothers me anymore as I'm a grown woman now. I never experienced growing up in a loving and intact family so it created a problem for me when I was growing up because I became insecure. I seek attention and associated to getting attention as getting love. Even until I was in my mid-30s', I was still insecure and always wanting attention. I only managed to find inner peace and accepted myself 100% about 5 years ago. I'm still work in progress, but I'm in a better place now than I was 5 years ago and definitely better than I was last year after the bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp. That changed me even though I didn't want to admit, but it did changed me. I'm not sure if my changes are good for me in the long-term yet as I'm still improving on myself. But for now, I like who I'm becoming into after the shitty experienced. I didn't deserve what Peter Wittendorp did to me before, during and after.

Anyway, I will let bygone be bygone.

Oh well, I better stop here as I want to head home now......Happy Sunday everyone!!

Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I'm super bored and even then I still don't spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn't see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don't think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don't add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was "You are a goat". I replied "huh". Then his next message was "Don't contact me again". The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don't plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm......nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I'm very focus on my career now and won't have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren't many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn't a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn't click as the connection weren't there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don't live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don't like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don't add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don't feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I'm super bored. Otherwise I couldn't be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I'm definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn't in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn't a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn't, keep trying. And for those who hasn't try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn't frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today's society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder.  Cheers.

Can We Talk??

Deep down, I'm still unwilling to let him go from my mind. I thought I had, but I haven't because I still want to talk to him 1 last time to clear the air over any misunderstandings we have. Because I still want to see his face again, at least for 1 last time. Because it still bothers me that he accused me baselessly. I retaliated as I want to get back at him for the way he treated me. Although I have forgiven myself for my foolishness and have managed to control my feelings and emotions, I still haven't stop thinking about him. He still lives in my mind even though I know he will never wants to talk and see me again in this lifetime.

I foolishly hope that we will have a chance to clear the air face to face and bid a proper goodbye. I'm still a tad sad that he thinks so devilishly about me. He told me in his own words that it all started before I came into the picture so how could he accused me for what happened to him??? I wasn't given a chance to defend myself against his accusation. He doesn't knows and understands the pain and sadness his accusation has caused me!!! Until today, I still can't forget his words and tone when he accused me. It was mean, cold and ugly!! It made me wanted to retaliate because (almost 2 years coming) I can still remember that day vividly!! I wanted to hurt him the way he hurts me. I wanted him to feel my pain, anguish and I wanted him to be shamed for his dastardly behaviour towards me. I wanted a revenge. I did!! That was the truth and I wouldn't hide the fact that I thought about it.

The truth is I didn't want a revenge. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. It is important for me to be able to tell the truth because my past was a part of my life journey. I don't want to hide my story with him especially when I was an innocent victim in his grandiose of lying scheme and the truth is I still want to know why he had to lie to me?? Why?? I still want to know why he could be so mean, cold and heartless to me and accused me for things I didn't do. It is really hard for me to just let go, forget and move on from the accusation because it doesn't only hurts me deeply but also changed some parts of the core me!! I haven't heard anyone in my entire life and I definitely didn't deserve the accusation thrown at me by him. I want to see him again and thrash things out because I want to ask him what do I gain from doing what he accused me of doing??? He knows clearly all I ever wanted from him was to be with him, so why would I be so stupid to do something so devilish to lose him from my life???? Why?? I really wanted to ask him that question and many others. I wanted answers and I still want it now.

A part of me will always want to seek the answers and the truth until the day I die. It is what I want and probably the main reason why I'm still unable to stop thinking about him and sometimes replaying our past. No one can fully understands how I feel unless you have been wrongly accused too by the one you used to love and trust without a doubt. I had admired, respected and trusted him for 10 years. He was my ideal man! I already liked him on 1st sight and never stopped even when we lost contact a few times in the 10 years period. You wouldn't be able to imagine my happiness when he 1st told me he loved me!! I never thought he would fell in love with me because I dare not hoped. But when he did, I was ecstatic and couldn't believed it. I really couldn't believed it, but it was the happiest day of my life. I really thought we had a chance to be together because of what he told me about his marriage via his emails, whatsapps and most importantly in person. I could felt his pain and sadness. That couldn't be faked (at least I didn't think it was possible back then), but boy I was wronged!!

I waited so long for him to love me so why would I do anything to destroy it. Yes, towards the end we agreed to be friend and put an end to our lovership, but that didn't mean I had stopped loving him. I just said what he wanted to hear so that he would feel better to continue our friendship. I would do everything to keep him in my life so why would I do something so devilish and stupid to push him out of my life 😢😢???

Past 18 months hadn't been easy for me. The road to recovery and healing didn't happen until after my birthday trip to Rhodes, Greece this August. I'm definitely in a much better place now than before my trip, but a small part of me still unable to let go. I tried. God knows how hard I tried, but I haven't succeeded yet. Sigh. I know I sounded like a broken record, but I really don't want to keep my feelings to myself. I want to share openly because pouring out my feelings allow me to understand my feelings, thinkings and myself better.

Is not easy to be so raw and vulnerable, but I have to if I ever want to heal properly. I don't know if I would ever forget him. Sometimes I think I might still love him, but I shut that love feeling off by thinking negatively about him. I know I shouldn't have any feeling left for him, but I do. The consolation is I'm able to control it and it doesn't affects me as much as it did previously. The feeling didn't linger long as I could quashed it pretty quickly. So wasn't too bad.

And yes, I still wonder how is he doing now? Do I pop into his mind occasionally? Good or bad doesn't matter because I can't stop how he thinks of me. He didn't give me a chance to explain why I said what I said and he didn't bother to find out the truth. He just assumed and accused which were what he usually did in the past even before the shit hit the fan!

I wish he read my blog because then there is a remote chance he might understands how his accusation has hurt me so deeply that it still haunts me until today. If I get to say 1 thing to him today, it will be "Can We Talk??"

p.s. Countless times I wanted to write a letter to him, but I didn't. Why? Because I don't want to torture myself wondering if he receives my letter and if yes, did he reads it or throws it away or how he will he reacts? Another reason is I know writing will not helps to clear the air. Only face to face meeting will allows us to be totally open and honest with each other. No hiding at all. So either we get to meet in person or I just have to learn to accept the fact that I will never have a chance to find out the truth and tell the truth. If that's how God wants it to be, then I will just accept it. If that's my destiny then I have to accept it. But I really hope 1 day we can get to sit down to talk and clear the air. I really do hope.

I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don't understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don't know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn't. I thought I understood him, but I didn't. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I'm still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I'm not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn't exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn't had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn't do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I'm slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn't help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I'm to take a wild guess, I will say I don't pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I'm not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don't hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don't at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn't a single day that I don't think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn't in my heart anymore. I just don't know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don't know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven't manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I'm sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!