Phil - New Guy

In the past 2 days I had been actively chatting with new people and it was fun I had to admit. There is a particular guy that I enjoyed chatting with. He is funny with a wicked sense of humour, just like me 😂! I haven't meet him yet as he lives and works in HK, but I have a feeling I will meet him in my next trip to HK. I'm not expecting anything out of it except being maybe a new long lasting friendship.

He is a divorcee with 2 young kids. Age 6 and 9. Joint custody. He been divorced for 2 years now and single for almost 1 year. Ex-wife is a Fillipino whom he met thru work. He filed for divorce. So far, he came across as open and honest because he answered all the personal questions I asked him. And I asked a lot, as usual. Haha. His name is Phil, a New Zealander. He has been living in HK for 10 years now. He works in accounting, but I didn't ask him which company. I think I will ask him in our next chat.

He is 40 years old this year, about my height and kinda cute from his photo. Have to see for myself. But then again, I don't really mind about his looks since friendship is what I have in mind. I find that we share a few common thinking and chatting with him is easy. Kinda cool guy and I really enjoy his sense of humour. Hahahaha.

Anyway, not much to share for now. Just an intro to Phil. Will update when I have more things to share.

Read back old posts

I read back some of the old posts I wrote, especially those about Peter Wittendorp and I have to admit that I was very emotional at that time. Some of the strong emotions I felt during that time no longer exists now. I don't feel sad anymore. But most important of all, I don't love him anymore. It is very clear to me that he isn't in my heart anymore. Which is definitely and infinitely a good news for me. At least my heart is healed even though he is still in my mind. I don't know why I couldn't erase him from my mind yet. I can feel him fading each day, but it isn't fast enough for me. I guess I can't rush it. But at least when I read back those old posts and all my negative feelings, I didn't get upset and mad anymore. I didn't feel an urge to write about him on my blog. I was tempted, but I told myself is only a temporary negative feeling. Let it go. 

I told myself to move on. Don't dwell in the negative feelings. Don't open the old wound and hurt myself all over again. I stopped trying to find answers on why he did what he did. I know for a fact that no matter how I tried, I will never be able to find out the truth. And it isn't important anymore. I have also learned to forgive myself for my foolishness and stupidity. I stopped beating myself up for trusting and loving him blindly and ignoring all the red flags. In addition, I had stopped my mind from wondering about the possibility of us sitting down and cleared the air of all the misunderstandings. It will never happen and I have accepted the fact. If you ask me, I definitely don't want to have bad blood between us because no matter what, we used to love each other at one stage. And we had liked each other for 10 years!! 10 freaking years I lived in his mind and heart!! But now it is all gone. Wiped off completely for both of us. Finally, our fate end. 

I have changed because of my experienced with him. I'm no longer as trusting as before and I evaluate a man trustworthiness base on his actions and not his words. I won't tolerate empty promises and max 2 chances for him to redeem himself. If he doesn't, then he will be strike out. I set boundaries and  I won't fall in love so easily again no matter how much I like him. 

I didn't plan to fall in love with Peter Wittendorp, the man I had liked since the 1st day we met 10 years ago, but I did. For the 1st time I fell deeply in love with a man, only to be taught such a painful lesson in love. I didn't deserve what he did to me. I never asked for him to fall in love with me especially when he knew for a fact that he wouldn't be with me. But still, he chose to led me on and made me fell for him. And wasn't there to catch me. Instead he pushed me under the bus and ran me over and over again until I almost bled to death. Until I fell into darkness. I know most people would say I asked for it since I knew he wasn't available legally. I didn't ask for it. He made me believed with his words and that he would be with me. Not immediately, but we would be together. I admit I was stupid for trusting him and his words. I trusted him because I loved him. I didn't expect him to lie to me. I strongly believed he was a good and honest man until he showed me his true colours. 

I was so hurt and in so much pain that I wanted him to feel it. I wanted him to feel guilty for hurting me. Even though I was just a lover and good friend, he had no right to use and hurt me so deeply. I didn't do anything wrong to him. All I ever did wronged was fell in love with him. Why should I deserved such a terrible and horrible treatments from him?? Since he choose to be an asshole and a class A jerk towards me, then I think I have the right to write about him openly. Why should I protect his image when he didn't care about hurting my feelings and accusing me?? 

Anyway, is already the past. He hurts me, I hurt him, we are even. My conscious is clear. I stated facts and I didn't do whatever he accused me of doing. I gain nothing from him and I didn't ask him for anything. If he wants to deny his lovership with me and what he said about 'her', is his choice. But think about this.....why would I put my own image on the line if what I wrote on my blog weren't facts and had any truth to it? What do I gain from exposing myself as Peter Wittendorp's ex-lover? Nothing good for sure. 

So why did I do it? I have a main reason which I never told anyone. Maybe 1 day I will write about my main reason. But for now, I will just keep it to myself.

Lastly, I'm very happy that reading back those old posts didn't make me want to cry anymore. I don't feel sad, upset and mad. I could tuned out those negative feelings pretty well. So I'm happy 😀!

30th Sept last day

My last day at my present company is on 30th September. Yesterday afternoon, my Country Head asked to speak to me and we had about an hour of friendly chat. No hard feelings between us. In fact, she even complimented me a few times. She said I was creative, daring and possess entrepreneur traits that not many people possess. But she also said I lacked of leadership skills. Haha. Her definition of leadership skills and mine are very different so I didn't even bother to correct her thinking. I don't show her all my skills because I don't want her to be able to read me well. In the business world, I need to retain some skills set if I want to succeed in a shark eat shark world 😉! The more she underestimates me, the better it is for me. Haha. I reach a level that I don't need to proof to anyone how good I'm. My results will be the best proof of how good I'm 😂! I won't be able to share openly my plans and strategies as I don't know who will stumble upon my blog and read my business plans. I don't mind sharing about my personal life as I have nothing to hide, but not my business plans! I need to keep my business plans under wrap and a secret until I achieve my goals. Haha.

So for now I have to keep everyone in suspense except for my business partners and a few close friends 😛! Anyway, I think the universe is starting to send me more good news. I have a good feeling and are very positive that I will be able to achieve my goals in the time frame I have set for myself. Can't wait for next week to be over because then I can start focusing on my own plans.

My chapter at the present company will be officially closed. It had been an interesting and fun experienced working with my Country Head who used to be my biggest competitor and now we are on friendly terms. She actually said we are friends and she said she welcome any opportunities for us to work together in the future. Although she can be very demanding and bulldozing, but she is a nice person. We shared many light moments full of laughter. I made a few new acquaintances. So overall it was a pleasant experienced. I might miss the bantering and joking with my colleagues. But then we can always hangout for drinks occasionally so I will still see them, just not on a daily basis.

Anyway, looking forward to starting a new chapter and adventure in my career. I'm ambitious, but I don't like to climb the corporate ladder. I want to create my own little empire. Haha. Wish me best of luck!! 

Yahoo accounts hacked/stolen

Yahoo Confirmed 500Mil User Accounts Stolen

OMG!!! No wonder I am experiencing the same notification from Yahoo in the last few days that someone attempted to log in to my email address from an unrecognised device. When I read the warning message I was very surprised because I couldn't remember checking my email messages during those time. And another weirdest thing was that the attempted sign in was from Malaysia. The last time I experienced the same problem was during Jan-Mar 2016. And later it was confirmed that someone had managed to hack into my account because some of my older emails and chat message with Peter Wittendorp were found on the internet. 

During that period, I received almost similar notification from Yahoo, but the attempted sign in was from Singapore and a few other countries. To be honest, when it 1st happened in January it didn't crossed my mind that someone was trying to hack into my account because it was infrequent. Beside, it was a personal account and didn't contain any important info. So I wasn't particularly alert. The frequency picked up in Feb and was aggressive in March. I had shown Peter Wittendorp the warning message I received.  But it was too late. Bottomline, I should had paid attention to the warning, but I didn't. It never crossed my mind I would become a victim of internet stalking at all until Peter Wittendorp told me about the internet stalker. I didn't expect to be sucked into his fucking relationship mess created by him. 

I'm not tech savvy hence I didn't think it was easy to hack into an email account, but apparently I was wronged especially during those period when Yahoo security wasn't as tight as the past 1.5 - 2 weeks. And at that time, I had been using the same password for at least over 1 year. The last time I had to change was in April 2016. And since then I had no attempted sign in until 1.5 -2 weeks ago. 

Before I read the news, I thought maybe I did checked my email during that attempted logged in time stated, but then all my devices are authorised to check my email account so I shouldn't received the message that sign in attempt prevented.

Below was the message and I received it at least once per day. Now after reading the separate notification from Yahoo and reading the news I understand why. I had changed my password as recommended so let's see if I will get another attempted sign in message from Yahoo. Damn, it is confirmed that it isn't hard to hack into an email account by someone who is tech savvy. 

Peter Wittendorp didn't believe my innocence that I didn't do what he accused me of doing and now the truth was out. The truth is that any tech savvy person can hack into my account easily especially when I rarely log out of my email account and I seldom change my password in the past. For me, if there is no warning message from Yahoo, I don't change my password as I find it a nuisance. Even my current company laptop, having to change password every 3 months cheese me off big time. But I have no choice because if I don't change and the password expired, I won't be able to log in to my laptop. 

Anyway, I will be more alert and cautious from now onwards. The friendship/relationship between Peter Wittendorp & I is severed and it can't be mended anymore. And it doesn't matter what other accusations he wants to throw at me. He won't be able to hurt me anymore with his lies, deceits and accusations. I'm much stronger than I was 8 months ago. Sooner or later, he will receive the Karma his deserves. 

From now onwards, I will just move on with my life and look forward to new adventures, new people and new chapters in my colourful life journey 😀😀!

Admiration & Inspiration - Paralympics Athletes

I heard about the trials and tribulations of the the athletes that participated in the Rio Paralympics. I don't watch sports hence I only knew about their success stories when I read news or heard it over the radio when the local DJ highlighted it over the air. 1 particular gold medal winner that she mentioned has cerebral palsy, but it didn't stop this athlete from winning. Apparently this athlete had over 30million over youtube about the athlete story. Sorry, I forgot the athlete name. Tried to google but couldn't find the right one. 

Although I didn't get to read the entire story about this particular athlete, I feel inspired by all the athletes that competed in the Rio Paralympics irregardless if they won any medals or not. Just the fact that they had participated in such a prestigious event and competed among the best of the best in the world was enough for me to admire them. Not to mention the fact that they didn't allow their disability to stop them from chasing their dream and goal. They fought and overcame their disability and excelled to a level that even most of us who are lucky to have great health and body aren't able to perform and accomplish what these group of special athletes performed and accomplished!! 

These group of athletes showed us that nothing and no one can stop us from achieving our goals and dreams but ourselves!! Obstacles and challenges can be overcome if we persevere. If we stop giving ourselves reasons not to pursue our goals and dreams and start believing and never stop chasing, one day we will succeed!! We need to believe in ourselves and if we work hard enough we will get what we want from life. 

I admire them for their fighting spirit, for their faith in themselves and for embracing who they truly are even though they have disability. They didn't allow their disability to rob them of a great life. They overcame their disability and achieved greatness! They are truly inspirational!! My hats off to them although I don't know them.

I think we should really look up to these Paralympics athletes and learn from them, rather than just look up to those successful businessmen. Success is not define by money and status only! To me, a successful person is how many life the person has touched and inspired both directly and indirectly. This act doesn't involves money and it can't be bought by money or status. 

These athletes should be our role model and our inspiration. Never ever give up your dreams and goals no matter how many obstacles and challenges are thrown at you. Always believe and have faith in yourself that if you persevere you will succeed one day. Be an inspiration to someone!! Touch someone life even if it is just 1 person. The world will be a better place. 

LIVE TO INSPIRE!

No Kids for Me

Travel vs Having Kids

Today I read a well written article that resonated with me. The author was a woman who chose travel over having kids because travel gives her more joy and fulfilment than having and raising kids. And I agree 200%. Same as her, I like kids, but I won't be a good mother as I won't be able to sacrifice my freedom for them. I'm not willing to put my life on whole for another person. I know I'm selfish, but this is who I'm. I just don't have maternal instinct in my DNA and I don't want to force myself to become a mother just because I'm a woman and society think I should procreate or else I'm incomplete.

A single woman life can be more complete than a married woman life. It all depends on how we choose to live our life and what give us the most joy, fulfilment and happiness. For me, my happiness doesn't comes from getting married, raising kids and having a family. My happiness comes from traveling, meeting new people and having the free time do anything I want or nothing at all. I don't like changing diapers, breast feeding, or kid related activities. I just don't have the patience and will never have!!

I'm comfortable with my choice and I'm happy with it. Yes, I want a partner, but the ultimate goal isn't to get married and have kids. Marriage and kids are overrated for me. No offence to women who enjoy marriage and kids. Just not my cup of tea. Also, I prefer to use the money of raising my own kids to help under privilege kids because I can help more kids using the same amount of money vs just 1-2 kids of my own. I want to give those under privilege kids a chance to make a good living and have a better life than their parents so that they can help more people and contribute back to society. This is my hope and my wish. 

Kids can teach us a lot of about life, but so is traveling and immersing myself in different experiences and cultures 😀! So what if 1 day I meet someone who is a widower or divorced man with kids? Well, I don't know yet at this moment how I will handle being with a man with kids. I think I should be able to accept it if I truly love the man. But I want to reserve my answer until it actually happen and I need to make a choice and decision at that time. I don't want to overthink on a hypothetical scenario or question.

I choose to live in the moment, not the past or the unknown future. I choose travel over having kids of my own. This decision is final and I won't change my mind even if I meet the love of my life! I hope I will meet a man who loves to travel, explores new cultures and enjoy work life balance 😀😀!

To all the women out there, choose the life that give you the most joy and happiness. Choose the life you want for yourself and live the life you want for yourself. If marriage life is what you want, go for it. If single life is what you prefer, then stop letting society tell you to get married and have kids. Anyway, I wish all the women out there find their own path to happiness and a fulfilling life!

11.8.16 - My last apology to Peter Wittendorp

I composed the following long SMS while I was inside the plane on my way to Bali to celebrate my birthday and sent it when I landed in Bali.

The reason I apologised was listed in the SMS so I'm not going to repeat myself again. I didn't get a response and is ok because I knew he wouldn't do so. I apologised because I wanted to, not because he deserved it. I just wanted to take responsibility for my action and I did. That was all I wanted to do!

And this will be the last time I apologised. This is my 2nd time apologised in the past 5 months and I promised myself no 3rd time. Up to date, I don't regret any decisions I had made pertaining to Peter Wittendorp. Although my decisions were wrong, but it did helped me to grow and learned a lot more about myself at a steep price.

Anyway, can't turn back the clock so not going to keep looking backwards. The moment is what it counts. Not the past or the future.

Victim of Stalking & Harassment - IT expert from Peter Wittendorp

Found the below email in my sent box while cleaning and deleting old messages. The email speaks for itself. Peter promised to take care of things, but in the end he didn't.

Anyway, to whoever out there, please stop harassing  and stalking me. I didn't do anything wrong to you. Please leave my name out of those posts. I have paid for the choices and decisions I made. Your kindness is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Perplexed

I am completely perplexed by the visitors to my blogs especially when it is from Singapore. Regular country, which is fine. But the thing I find the most odd is the posts read were all related to Peter Wittendorp. This not only happened a handful of time, but countless time repetitively. Sometimes, the number of views would be spiked up to a high number such as 30-40 per day. And it happened to both my blogs. Almost a pattern which I noticed for a few months now.

And there was also a visitor from Netherland out of the blue. It only visited once and then no more. I find it weird because Peter is from Amsterdam, Netherland. I wouldn't thought of anything if the posts read weren't related to him. I really couldn't comprehend what these visitors want to get out of my posts by keep reading the same posts related to 1 single person. My blogs aren't dedicated to writing about Peter only.

The action of these readers were just mind boggling. I might had mentioned Peter Wittendorp regularly in some of my posts, but those posts were merely using him as a reference and not about him directly. Anyway, my blogs are available publicly for anyone to read so no contents are off limit. Just that it pique my curiosity  why such a peculiar pattern and action from readers of specific countries (Singapore & Netherland) especially when these countries are directly related to Peter. I don't think is him because he won't be so free to keep reading the same posts. Then who?? I don't believe in random strangers. The pattern didn't screamed random. It screamed intentional.

Anyway, not a big deal. Just want to see if I can figure out an answer to satisfy my own curiosity. Haha


Updated on 24.8.16

I think it is confirmed that the visitors from Singapore and Netherlands weren't a coincident! Same repeated pattern. A sudden influx in a week and then quiet down next week. Honestly, why would anyone do that? Mind boggling!

Updated on 10.9.16

Yesterday itself, 127 page views from Singapore alone. And most of the posts viewed were about Peter Wittnedorp. There was also viewer from Hong Kong and the posts viewed were also about Peter Wittendorp. It happened to both my blog sites - this blog and wordpress. And this morning itself, another 32 page views from Singapore. No way it is a coincidence with such a high volume of page views in 1 day from the the same country. And all the reading were done on iPhone. I think it was done intentionally. But I'm not sure why. What the reader/readers want to achieve?

Usually, my blog on wordpress will get at least a few visitors daily, but today zero. Again, really weird. There must be a reason. I wish I can figure out the reason behind such an irrational action!!

Updated on 11.9.16

See I was right!! No influx of visitor/visitors from Singapore yesterday and today!! So it had to be someone or a group of people doing on last Friday when the page views were 127 in 1 day!! Wonder who was so crazy and free. If he/she/they want something from me, just drop me a message on my site and I will respond rather than doing the coward act of bombarding my blog. Wacko!!

Dino - Day 2

9.9.16 - Another 2.5 hours of chatting with Dino. Again totally unexpected. By far, 1 of the best chats we had because it was very open, carefree and blunt. Haha. I told him about my tandem skydiving and my plan to do bungy jump in Macau from a building at Level 61. He said I was brave for my skydiving and crazy about my plan to bungy jump!! Haha. I told him I'm an adrenalin junkie. I love  challenges and and enjoy challenging myself mentally. This is the way for me to grow and improve myself. I told him my life isn't perfect but is colourful and I love my life. He said a very good mindset to have and he has the same belief as me. He didn't give me any reason not to trust what he told me, but after my last experienced with Peter I'm unable to trust men words entirely. Hence, I'm not taking everything Dino said and told me seriously. Just face value. I told him I have no regrets and not ashamed of my past. And is an honest truth. Peter was a bad experienced, but no regret and not ashamed of loving him and wanting him for 2 years. It was my choice and therefore I have to deal and accept the consequences. Dino said I was lucky to have choices. I answered him that everyone has choices, is just that I'm braver to carry out my choices 😎! Dino replied, "very true - that's why you are so special".

So what else did we chatted about?? Hahaha.....our sexcapade!! Yup you read correctly 😂! I told him about my ex lover who was my best lover to date. I haven't met anyone who was a better lover than him in the bedroom. My best sex teacher by far. And it isn't Peter. So Dino asked me to tell him some of my favourites and I did. He also told me 1 of his most favourite too. Hahaha. We never talked about this sex topic in the past even though we have known each other for 15 years. But somehow this topic was brought up during our chat.

Do I find it weird to chat about sex with Dino since he was my ex too? Hmmmm.........it would be if I was still young and inexperienced, but now no. Especially when I know it is harmless chatting with a good friend who happened to be an ex lover. I find it liberating to be able to talk to Dino so openly about our sex experienced. After all, we aren't celibate so for sure we will have some interesting and colourful sex stories to share. Hahahaha. I'm not ashamed to share. Sex is part of my life and I don't sleep around. I ended one lovership before I start another one. I don't cheat and lie!

I told Dino a few of my guy friends said to me not many men can handle me. I told him my replied to them was, if I want to be handled I would have come with a remote control and an instruction book. He said that was funny 😂! And he also said that men can forget about trying to turn me into a submissive woman!! They can try, but good luck to them!! LOL.

That showed he knows me well too. I'm always consistently being myself. The core me doesn't change, but I have become a better version of myself in areas that need improving and fine tuning. Anyway, I'm work in progress. And I'm trying to live my life the way I want! Say the things I want. Do the things I like and want!!

Yesterday I experienced a side of Dino that I never experienced before - his wicked sense of humour and wittiness!! I feel that he is less uptight now. He is still cool and calm most of the time, but he can be funny and witty too.

Anyway, I hope to see him in KL soon. I'm curious to see how he looks like now. If he has aged well or not at all? How would I feel if I see him again after so long??

My friendship with him will last forever because I know I will never fall in love with him. Not back then, definitely not now. Like him yes. But only as good friend. My feeling for Dino is very different from Peter since Day 1. Peter was the 1st man I truly fell in love with and loved wholeheartedly. Therefore my hurt was deep and painful! Anyway, is over and I don't want to revisit this topic again if I can help it.

Coming back to Dino.....is always nice and a blessing to have friends who accept me for me! For that I'm grateful. Ok time to zzzz.....

Dino

Out of the blue Dino texted me. The last we chatted was almost 1 year ago. But then again we don't chat on a regular basis. So he only crossed my mind once a blue moon too. Today was really a surprised because most of the time I reached out to say hi 1st. This evening it was him. He told me he went to tailored a jacket at a place called Dino in BKK recently and it reminded him of me. Because Dino is his nickname I gave him 15 years ago. Yup, we have known each other for that long. He is 50 years old this year. And his birthday is in August too.

I first met him in my ex ex-company during a regional meeting BKK. When I first saw him, I kept my distance away from him as he appeared very cool and back then I was a newbie hence I wasn't as worldly as I'm now. So I didn't talk to him much. I only got to know him better the following year when he attended the regional meeting in KL and I was tasked to organise and plan the event beside being an attendee. It was a 2.5 days event. We sat across from each other and on the 2nd day, we grew bored listening to those presenters and I almost fell asleep. Again out of the blue he texted me and we started texting back and forth. It made the afternoon more bearable and the hours passed by more quickly.

Long story short, since that day we became good friends. Of course, there was a short period we were lover too. But he lives in HCMC hence in the end we just stick to being friends. Dino is British but have been living in HCMC for over 20 years. He is soft spoken, tall and smart. Yup, all my ex except my 1st bf of 5 years, were smart and successful. And all of them enjoyed teasing me!! Which I really don't understand why at all!!! Hahahaha. Is ok, I don't get upset or offended by their teasing 😎.

We texted each other for almost 1.5 hours!! Seriously crazy. He asked me if I still laugh the same way?? I told him that definitely will never change. I asked him why? He missed my laughter is it?? His replied, " Just thinking about your laugh is making me laugh 😂😂". He  gave me a nickname 15 years ago too.....Tommy. He said I sounded like a tommy gun when I laugh. In fact, I was told countless time that I have an infectious and memorable laugh. In the past, my ex ex colleagues would also teased and mimicked my laugh and sent me into a laughing fit that just got everyone laughed until their belly ached! I missed those days with the guys. They were a group of smart, fun and nice people. Of course being the youngest member and also 1 of the 2 women in the whole group the attention was focused on me. Not to mention the fact that I'm happy go lucky and full of energy. When I was in my 20s', I would went up to the table or bar top and danced! Hahaha. Yes I did that frequently back then. Thinking back, I couldn't help but grinned at my silliness and craziness 👻👻!!

Anyway, I told Paul aka Dino that it was amazing that after all these years and long silent (almost 1 year) we could picked up our chat without missing a beat!! He replied, "Yup. That's what good friends do 😀." And I agree with him 100%. Except for my 1st bf and Peter, I have managed to stay good friends with a few men who were my lovers in the past. We didn't had any blood between us. Beside, they never accused me nor lied to me like Peter did!!

As I mentioned earlier, Dino enjoys teasing me and I told him that he will never stop teasing me for the rest of our life. Hahaha. He said I know him too well. I don't really know him that well, at least not about his personal life as I don't like to ask if he doesn't tells. I just know to certain extent how he will behave with me. Anyway, if I want to know him well, I will just ask him. But currently I don't feel a need to do so.Therefore will leave it as it is.

It is always nice to hear from an old friend 😀!

Michael Looks Intellectually Sexy

Apparently someone in my LinkedIn network knows Michael hence he popped up in the section people I may know. I sent him an invitation to connect and after a few days he accepted it. I added him because he looks so intellectually sexy in his profile pic wearing a pair of spectacles. Seriously, he looks smart sexy. I prefer him wearing spectacles than without. So that was the main reason why I re-connected with him after deleting his phone number. Haha. Crazy right? I admit I'm 😛!

I also sent him a short message thru LinkedIn to tell him he looks sexy in glasses. Not many men can look intellectually sexy wearing a spectacles, but Michael can. Arrrgghhhh.....I wish he is currently working and living in Singapore. At least then maybe we can be friend. Oh well, at least now we are re-connected on LinkedIn. I don't think I will ever get bored looking at him with glasses. Hahaha 🙈!

When I first saw him without glasses I did think he was nice looking, but the glasses just made me swooned. Not kidding!! I wish I will get to see him wearing the glasses in person at least once just to confirm that he looks as intellectually sexy in person as in the photo.

Will see. I never know....My wish might comes true one day. Life is full of surprises! 😜

p.s. To read about my story with Michael, go to  - My other blog

Negative thoughts & feelings about Peter Wittendorp

Experienced fitful sleep for a few nights now. Although I was very tired, but the moment my head hit the pillows my brain was wide alert. And it just kept going on and on and on......a lot of thoughts crossed my mind, but the most dominant thought was about Peter!!! Fuck! I really don't fucking understand why this man still popped into my mind intermittently. WHY?? I want to know why I can't get rid of him!!! I thought I had exorcised him from my heart and mind, but it looks like I didn't. From my heart definitely a resounding yes. I don't feel the loving and caring feelings that I used to have for him previously. Sometimes I feel like I might even hate him especially the last 2 days as I didn't had any good thoughts about him! I wanted to see him hurt and I prayed that Karma will catch up with him immediately. I wanted him to pay for his shitty and asshole treatments toward me, for playing with my heart and mind!! 😤😤

There were a few times I wanted to post all the SMSes between us that I still keep and show the world his true colours. I was really tempted, but I told myself don't do it! Don't do something I might regret later! Don't allow a temporary negative feelings about him to drag me into the dark hole again. Is not worth it for an asshole like him. I will not allow myself into darkness again! If I fall back into darkness this time, it will be mayhem because this time around I will not hold back any of the damning proofs of our affair and how he misled me into believing he was going to get a divorce. All the lies he fed me. He could have easily diffused all my negative feelings if he had sincerely apologise to me and answer all my questions so that I can have a proper closure and able to move on cleanly. Now, although I'm moving on nicely, but once in a blue moon, like the past 2 days I was hit by the negative thoughts and feelings about him. Why?? Because too many unanswered questions about why he had to lie to me, why he had to tell me he loved me only to hurt me so deeply with his senseless accusation! About why he played with my mind and heart?? Why, why, why??? Why ME???

He could just has he picked since he always told me women threw themselves at him including 1 of his so called best female friend whom he cares a lot. Her bf name is the same as his too! He told me she wanted to be with him and he finds her attractive with nice body and a wonderful woman. So why ME? She lives in SG just like him so it would be easier for them to have affair. So why me???

"Peter, why the fuck you chose me to hurt?? I never did anything bad to you and I had liked you for 10 years and in loved with you for 2 years and yet you hurt me without a thought. I never asked you to walk back into my life. I wrote you off, deleted your number and cut all contacts with you, but yet you waltzed back in to pursue me, gave me hope and then stabbed me in the heart repetitively. I fucking hate you! I hate you for being a coward and always brushed aside all my questions. I hate you for making me feel bad and guilty for asking you questions to get clarifications. I fucking hate you for tricking me into trusting and believing you blindly for 10 years. During these 10 years you fucking walked in and out of my life more than 6x. I gave you so many chances to come clean with me, but you never did until the shit storm hit the fan!! You fucking asshole!!"

All I wanted were answers and a sincere apology from him so that I can stop blaming myself for trusting him blindly! So that I know he isn't a monster and an asshole! He walked away without feeling remorseful after he shattered my heart into pieces and let me slipped into darkness. He deserves to go to hell! I think at this fucking moment I hate him!! I don't wish him well. I wish he will be punished for what he did to me. I really wish he will be punished by karma! To be honest, he doesn't deserves my forgiveness and an apology from me, but I gave both to him because if I don't I will do a lot of stupid things to destroy both our reputation.

I experienced 1st hand how ugly, mean, harsh and cold he could be and I don't want to be like that! I also witnessed on a scale of 1-10 his hypocrisy, which is at 10! His cheating and lying skills also at 10!! But as a father to his kids, I would say he is a good father to them. But as a man to a woman......he is a fucking asshole!! I'm sure he thinks of me as a crazy bitch by now because of my ranting about him openly. I think he might also feels regret for loving me. Haha. I'm not surprised of how he thinks of me because he is a master of blaming everyone but himself!! He is rarely wrong therefore his actions and words weren't the root cause and responsible for my hurt and pain. He is never at fault or guilty, hence I brought this upon myself.

He conveniently forgot that I was the one who reminded him to go back to his core self and stop living a life of lies and deceits! Looking back I wished I didn't. I should had let him continue lying to people around him. I shouldn't be so nice and helped him realigned his core self. I should just let him continue to lie and cheat to 'her' so that their marriage would be in trouble. But I didn't because I wanted him to be happy and have a chance to save his marriage even though I was still in love with him!!!

So what do I get at the end of the day for being nice and caring?? Accusation!!! Yup.....fucking accusation.What type of man would do that to a woman he said he loved and a friendship he cherished??? Only a self-serving asshole would be able to do what he did to me!!

Anyway, I'm not the same woman as before he shattered my heart into pieces. And if he even try to hurt me again whether directly or indirectly, I will not hesitate to drag him thru the mud and get dirty. He has more to lose than me. But I will not cross over to darkness if I can avoid and control it. I just want to have peace in my mind and heart. I know I have to learn to accept the fact that he will never gives me proper closure by answering all my questions truthfully and honestly as well as he will never sincerely apologise to me. Not after this post especially, because his ego and pride are bigger than him being a decent human being and a responsible man. Beside he still thinks and believes he didn't do anything wrong to me.

In his eyes and mind, I was the one who wronged him! I don't need him to tell me to confirm it because I know how and what he thinks. I can read him like a book, except I failed in detecting he is a deceitful liar!! I know I sounded very hateful in this post and I hate to admit, but I do hate him at this very moment!! I don't know why, but I just feel very hateful towards him NOW!! I'm not a saint and I'm definitely not a fakey like him, so I chose not to hide how I feel about him at this very moment.

I just want him to know that he is the root cause of all tumultuous emotions and all my outpouring of feelings on my blog wouldn't happened if he had chose to give me the 2 things I wanted the most - a sincere apology and a truthful and honest conversation where he will answer all my questions without holding back!! He could had given me a proper closure and helped me to move on peacefully, but he chose not to!! Simply because he is a selfish asshole!

I think I better stop here or else I will curse him more. And I also don't want to continue to be spiteful and hateful! I need to go back to my positive thinking and feeling. So ending this post now.

P.S. Did you tell her I was in your mind for 10 years?? And you had liked me for 10 years, from the 1st day you met me? That all these time it was you who reached out to me even after I cut you off entirely?? Did you tell her that you didn't love her as much as before anymore? Did you tell her that your love for me was different than her, that it grew everyday? Or did you painted a picture of me being a psycho woman who didn't want to let you off the hook? Haha.

I think you painted an ugly picture of me to save your own ass. That's who you are!! I don't think you will ever forget me. Hate me or love me, I will always be in your mind! If it makes you feel and sleep better at night to think of me as psycho woman, be my guest! Maybe I'm crazy after all because if not I wouldn't had given you so many chances to hurt me.

Darkness

I dislike the darkness that is lingering inside my mind. I'm able to keep it at bay and not allow it to influence my thinking and act out rashly to avenge my anger against Peter. He brought out the darkness in me that I never experienced before. Even when my mum abandoned me when I was 8 years old and continued to abuse my loved for her until I was 35 years old, I didn't had any ill thoughts toward my mum. Although I have disowned my mum and don't care about her welfare anymore, I still feel pity for her because she chosen money over me. Which I had accepted the fact and no longer sad and mad at her! It was her life an her choice. She decided that money was more important than having me as her daughter so I respected her choice and therefore I disown and ban her from my life forever. And even then, I never had a moment of dark thoughts about my mum, unlike Peter. Maybe because my mum has always been consistently herself since the day I was borne until now so I know who she is. But Peter was different. He wore a mask of a good man that met the criteria of a Mr Right and he made me fell for him. He tricked me into believing that I could trust him beyond reasonable doubt, but in reality I couldn't!!

To be honest, I'm still beating myself up for trusting him blindly, excusing his shady and shitty behaviours, giving him more chances than he deserved and loved him until the extend I was willing to be the 2nd option!! I thought he truly loved me. Thinking back now, I'm questioning everything he ever told me. My mind couldn't accept the fact that he actually told me so many lies in the past 2 years. We talked and messaged each other on a daily basis and I told him things I rarely told my friends. He had shared about his childhood, teenaged years as well as his 1st marriage and all the women he slept with including the tests he had to take before getting married the 2nd time around, but the thing is I don't know which were made up and which were the truth.

To certain extend I know how he thinks and acts, but to another extend I don't know who he is anymore!! Actually when I said I could read him like a book, I was referring to the way he thinks and feels about me now. This part I think I will get it right. Haha.

Anyway, I pray that the darkness that is lingering inside my mind will disappear soon. So far (except for last night) I'm able to keep it at bay. Seriously, he brings out a very dark side of me that I never know existed until now. I never had ill thoughts about anyone no matter how badly the person wronged me. But with Peter, I wish and pray that Karma will teach him a lesson. I really wish! At this very moment, I'm not able to wish him well. He doesn't deserves it for how he treated me!! I know what I'm feeling now is temporary and something must had triggered me to think and feel so negatively about Peter (haven't figure out what triggered my dark thoughts yet).

I will continue to fight my own darkness with positive thinking and happy thoughts 😂😂! I'm very sure everyone of us has a dark side of us that we keep to ourselves and not show to the world and I was one of those people. But now I chose to embrace, admit and address it openly because by doing so only I have a chance to fight off the dark side of me. It is part of me and I won't be ashamed to show the world the entire me....the good, the bad and the ugly. I will face it head on so that I won't fear my own dark shadows!!

I made a promise to myself that I will always be my authentic self privately and publicly so I need to honour my own promise! It is scary to share publicly my dark and negative thoughts and feelings, but I need to be brave. I'm doing this for me! I want to learn how to control my darkness and not let it consume me! My experienced with Peter was 1 of my toughest and hardest lesson in life.

Oh well, I'm sure he thinks and says the same about me too. His most craziest experienced!! And I'm also going to be that he regrets for walking back into my life again. Haha!

Maybe when I have time I will try to put myself in his shoes and figure out what he is thinking now and about our past. Just for fun. But for now I want to sleep. So goodnite everyone 😴