Funky Sunglasses

Trying on some cool and funky sunglasses launched by a girl friend and her partner. The brand is from Korea. Had quite a fair bit to drink and now tired and tipsy. Wanted to buy a pair, but unfortunately they sold out the design I wanted and left the displayed one only. So I didn't buy as I don't like to buy display item. Oh well, at least I got to try on and took some pictures. Haha

Never easy...

Sometimes it is not easy to openly write about my thoughts and feelings because I'm exposing myself without censor and showing the world my weaknesses and vulnerability. Is scary sometimes, but I still choose to do it because writing is a good outlet for me to address my thoughts and feelings without loading unto someone. It helps me to see things more clearly when I write it down. It also helps me to release my pent up emotions. Beside, writing down my thoughts and feelings allow me to read back about things and feelings I might have forgotten as time passed. For instance, recently I read back a couple of my old posts I wrote about Peter Wittendorp and I could sensed my anger being projected onto my writing which still lives on in my posts even though now I'm not angry and hurt anymore. Thats why I know my heart has healed. Just my mind still doesn't wants to fully let go of him, which I really don't understand why?? Maybe because the way we ended our friendship was abrupt and with lots and lots of bad feelings, accusation and name calling. I didn't get a proper civilised closure and ending to us!! Is much harder to forget and make the mind stop thinking when I still have questions that I'm still hoping to find the answers although I know clearly I will never be able to get any answers from him until the day I die.

Sometimes it is definitely easy to think negatively of Peter Wittendorp because it helps me to erase him from my mind quicker. I just read an article on Harvard Business Review and it said that the mind will replay the event until we learn something from it before we can let go. I wonder is this why he still lives in my mind......because I haven't finish learning the lesson! Hmmmm.........I wonder what are the remaining lesson I have to learn because I thought I have finish learning. Most of the time he only pops into my mind during this ungodly hour before I sleep and my mind quiet down after a full day of thinking and strategising. 

I am honest when I said I don't feel anything for him when I think of him. It is a strange feeling because every time I tried to pinpoint a feeling I drew blank. And this is why I couldn't figure out why he still pops into my mind. It shouldn't be the case anymore especially when I don't feel any single emotion for him. It is really not easy to get rid of him from my mind entirely, but I hope very soon he will be gone without a trace. I seriously don't want to waste my head space for him, a stranger. 

Anyway, I don't have a choice but accept the fact that I need to be patient with my mind and let it takes care of itself. I'm sure when the time is right, the name Peter Wittendorp will become a distant memory and will cease its existence in my mind. But until that day comes, I just have to tolerate it for now. Something just can't be rushed......

Confessions

Peter Wittendorp still lives in my mind. Not my heart for sure. But my mind yes as I still think of him daily. I'm not sure why is this happening because I'm very confident that I don't feel anything for him anymore. I don't hate him and I don't like him either. I couldn't like him after all the things he did to break my heart. I'm speculating why my mind is still thinking of him, maybe because I'm not 100% ready to forge him yet. I know I should, but I do miss some of our happier times, silly conversations, multiple and long calls and even video chat. I miss a person who managed to connect with me so well. But then at the same time I still feel like a fool for trusting and allowing him to use me to fill his time!

Some days I wished I was a super bitch and a bad woman because then I will have no qualms to post all our SMSes that I still keep and write about him in details. I do know quite a lot about him, his life and his past relationships/exes, his fantasies, his goals, his parents and siblings, children and others. I'm not kidding when I said I wished I was a bad woman and a super bitch!! But too bad I'm not, although he thinks I'm! Otherwise he wouldn't accused me of all the things that happened to him without any evidence. And even if he can produce some sort of evidence, how would I know it ain't fake? Anyway, he is allowed to think whatever he wants about me. If it makes him sleep and feel better at night by believing that I'm a bad and crazy woman, then let it be. I don't feel the need to defend myself against his baseless and ridiculous accusation. As I had wrote in my past posts if he had no qualms cooking up story about his wife cheating on him so that he could cheat with me, what stops him from cooking up story about me right?? 

If I'm to take a wild guess about 1 of his regrets in life, it would be his lying and cheating. He definitely thinks I'm the mistake and he shouldn't had walked back into my life. He will also says that he doesn't knows who I'm anymore. Likewise, I don't know who is Peter Wittendorp anymore? I thought I did, but now I don't. The moment he confessed to me he lied to me my world went topsy turvy!! Suddenly I questioned everything he ever told me. I felt really really like a stupid fool!! Anyway that were all the past so I will not drag it up again. 

I couldn't bring myself to destroy him with the SMSes (with his number shown) between us and show the world another side of him that not many people saw. I don't want to show the world in black and white that he is a hypocrite. I may write a lot of posts bashing him which I know I shouldn't do irregardless how valid is my reason for doing so. I'm not defending my action, but I'm admitting that I shouldn't have bashed him. 

I need an outlet to vent my feelings and emotions openly. I don't want to bottle up and I want to share with people my story because I know there are many women and even men out there who could be in the same shoes as me, past and present. When people tell me what I did isn't write and morally wrong, I will ask them who set the rules and why should I follow and conform to society unwritten rules and unreasonable expectations. I'm living my life for myself and no one else.

Like I said, by not posting the proofs to prove my claims that he was an asshole, a liar and cheater, he can disputes everything I have written and says I'm crazy. Am I really crazy??? hahahaha.....maybe!! 

At 1 stage I felt so lucky to have him loved me and in my life, but now I don't think so. I can't feel lucky to be loved by a man not only lied to me, but also accused me of something heinous that I didn't do at all! Anyway, I need to stop dragging up the past 😊 and start learning how to get him out of my mind for good. I think I need a bit more time to erase him from my mind. I'm not sure if I will ever forget him, but I definitely would want to get him out of my mind. I really do.

I used to wish that I still crossed his mind and 1 day he will just send me a text with the 3 words..."I am sorry", but deep down I know that day will never happen as long as I live! Breaking up with him, not having him in my life didn't hurt as much as he believed I am an evil person and the accusation he threw at me. Yes, I'm unable to get over his accusation, but I managed to find peace and accepted that's the fact so I don't feel sad and hurt anymore. My wound has healed and now I just need to rid of him from my mind. 

We are stranger again after 10 years. A decade and it was over in a blink of an eye. I was already in his mind since the day we met 10 years ago, but because of a lied our connection and friendship ended. I'm the victim in all this mess and I had to shoulder it all on my own. Oh well, that were all my confessions for tonight. I'm sleepy so crashing now.

Goodnite world!

I care less......

...about how what they are feeling, how I make them feel, what they think or how they think and etc. I don't put in too much time and effort to try to figure or find out their feeling and thinking. If they want to tell me, I will listen BUT the moment I sense any negative vibes from them I will shutdown and stay clear. I have learned not to absorb negative vibes/energy and also not to waste my time trying to cheer up anyone like I used to do in the past. I allow them to go through their own emotion/feeling and to sort it out themselves. They aren't my responsibility and I won't make it mine because we are all adults and we should be responsible for our own feelings and actions.

Caring less is actually helping me to see people without an idea of who they should be in my mind, but rather let them be who they are, their true self. Nowadays when 1 of my BFF told me she doesn't mind tolerating and putting up with her psychotic husband verbal abuse so that her family will still be intact and her kids still have a father, I told her I don't agree with her decision, but I will respect it. I told her as long as she is happy in this kind of arrangement, who am I to judge and advice  differently. She knows best what is good for her, her kids and family. I don't. In the past I will tell her to leave her psycho husband, which she did for many times but always accepted him back with open arms. Every single time she did that in the past, it made me slightly pissed off at her as I found her weak and needy. However, after my experience with Peter Wittendorp, I told myself to let people be who they are and don't interfere with their decision because I will never get a thank you for trying to help, but instead I might get a curse from them! Beside, I'm really tired of becoming their sounding board because they sound like a broken record.

So when I care less about other people, I gain more time for myself and fill my life with positive energy. After the highly dramatic and energy draining lovership/friendship with Peter Wittendorp, I surrender!! And finally, I stop caring who stays in my life and who leaves because I have no control over their choice and I DEFINITELY don't want to force them to stay. I'm not a beggar, I don't want to beg for people to be my friends, stay in my life or love me. If they want to leave by all means. And once they leave I will delete their contact and their existence in my life. If only I did that to Peter Wittendorp previously instead of giving him so many chances, I wouldn't had to experience a heartbreak, emotional roller coaster, being called a cunt/bitch and most important of all I wouldn't be wrongly accused! He thought he was smart and knew everything, but did he??

If he was smart and fair, he wouldn't jump to conclusion and threw accusation at me. There are always more than 1 story within a story. Sometimes when the memories flashed back, it still got to me because until today I still can't 100% accept the fact that his dark side could be so mean, harsh and cold. It was like he turned into a monster that had no conscience and feeling. So dark and scary. I'm not going to think about it because it might upset me.

Anyway, caring less is also a good thing as it helps to reduce my stress level. When I care less I can truly live my life at my own terms and conditions. Sure, I will lose some people who don't enjoy the new me, but is ok.

OK have to stop here as I can't keep my eyes open anymore....Sayonara and Goodnite everyone!

Ignoring the best response

You know, in the past I would have responded to any comments and retaliate back if someone does me wrong either in actions or words or both. But not anymore. I have changed and I don't feel there is a need to react to anyone and everything. In fact the best response to a ludicrous situation/remark/comment/accusation is not to engage with the other person. Walking away from commenting or taking action is not only an act of maturity but also to show the other person that I will not stoop to this person lowly behaviour. 

I'm proud of my self-control and my ability to shut out all the external noises. I have always admit that my life isn't perfect, but at least it is an open life. I didn't hide who I'm and I didn't lie to someone with the intention of hurting that person. I had said it many times. If I want to write about someone, I will write it openly like what I have been doing in this blog of mine. If I have done something wrong, I will admit it liked I did when Peter Wittendorp asked me about the Pinterest incident. And yes, I still have a board with all pins dedicated to Peter Wittendorp and name after his name. I never hide it. I cursed and shamed him in my blog through the numerous posts I wrote about him. I can do more harm to his image if I want to, but I choose not to do so. Not because I'm afraid of him or the repercussion, but because I think is time for me to move on and heal my broken heart and mind. 

I don't want to relive the past again if I can control my mind from wandering down that path. 1 way is to block it and just focus on other important matters. There were a few rare moments where I wished I was still on talking terms with Peter Wittendorp and he was still in my life as my best friend, but such a thought didn't last long. Why? Because it wouldn't happen in this lifetime anymore and I don't think I can look and think of him in the same way like I used to in the past. The trust between us was shattered and unable to be pieced together again. 

Beside, he thinks I'm a crazy woman and I think of him as the biggest asshole, liar, hypocrite and cheater in the world. We both have so much negative thoughts and feelings of each other that it will keep us apart forever. Which is fine by me as. I did missed him once a blue moon as we had a lot of laughter and he did tolerated my tantrums and truly cared for me for a short period of time, but the hurt and pain he caused me will never be erased from my mind and heart. I could still remember his meanness, coldness and ugliness too well. I shuddered when I thought of those last few chats we had. Anyway, it was the past so I'm not going to bring it up again and repeat what I had wrote in the past in this post.

I don't regret a single post that I had wrote about Peter Wittendorp because I only stated facts and truth. And I was expressing my feelings on how I felt about him at that time or anytime in my life. I'm not ashamed of my past with him, a married man. He was in my life for almost 10 years, from the day we met when he was still single and later got married. He had always waltzed back into my life in the last 10 years when I had cut him off and deleted him. If only I can post some of the emails he wrote to me in the past. My story with him was never a fantasy and every emails he sent to me, every words he wrote were never altered. It was from him. 

Anyway, I will never be able to trust this man anymore in my life. In fact, I might never and will never know the real him. I have changed because of him. Good and bad I would say. I don't have any wish at this moment except that he or anyone working for him doesn't comes to disturb me and my inner peace. If I know any of his people directly or indirectly disturbing my peace, I will make sure that he doesn't has any peace too. Don't ignite a war especially when I'm walking away from all his craziness and dramas. I might have free time in my hand, but I don't want to spend it dealing with his dramas and lunacy. So is best that he controls all his people and don't let the dogs loose and start barking up the wrong tree. I will state it once and for all. I never ever did what he accused me of doing in the past, present or future. 

I don't give a shit if he believes me or not. I just want to be left alone and keep the insanity in his life far away from me. I don't want to be dragged into the mud again so don't stir anything up and stop bullying me. Appreciate it.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, the best response is not to response at all. 

I am stress......

and I don't want to admit it but I have to. Mainly is because I'm worry about my finances. Arrggghhhhh, the mother of all my major migraines!! My stupid property in Ipoh is draining my bank account. Sucking my money. Is like throwing it in a black hole and never able to get any returns for it!! I wouldn't be stressed if it isn't for this particular property. I'm at my wit's end with this shitty property. All I want is to get rid of it so that it won't drain my bank account anymore. I'm going to lose at least RM600k for selling this property at way below my purchasing price. Sigh!!! Is painful and the biggest loses I will be incurring to date! Never ever invest in a market that I'm not familiar at all.

Anyway, I can't turn back the clock so not going to beat myself up for investing in the wrong property as I never know it will be this bad. Now my focus is just cutting the losses by disposing of it soonest possible!! Once I get rid of this blood sucking property, my finances will be at least back to a manageable level. I'm stuck left and right at this moment. I'm not poor, but just cashless. Haha!

So to unwind, I'm drinking wine at 3.30pm local time! My mind can't think anymore. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind at this moment. Hehe.

I'm also stress because of work. Is always a challenge when I start on a new path and direction in business. Sometimes I have doubts too if what I'm doing will yield me results. I can only share with a handful of people because not many understand my ideas and plans. Is always hard trying to carve a niche market. It can succeed and it can fail too, but I have to give it a try. I have to keep believing and thinking that eventually I will succeed. There is no turning back. Just keep pushing forward. Presently I can't predict the results yet and couple with the stress over finances, I'm going almost bonkers. Arrgghhhh.......

Oh well.....after a glass of wine and some junk food, I'm feeling better and doing my best not to over stress myself. Life has a funny way of straightening out things if I allow it to flow naturally. Everything has it owns course to run. Sometime I can't just rush it even if I want to. Believe and think positive are the only ways to minimise and manage my stress.

Anyway, hope you guys have a good day 😁!

Compliments from Chris

Captain Cool @ Chris told me he finds me sexy and attractive in more than 1 way......out of the blue on a Thursday afternoon when I didn't expect a text from him. It definitely made my day. I asked him what about me he finds sexy and attractive. He said the fact that I'm self made in the business world and I embrace and celebrate my sexuality 😁😍! Is nice to know that he isn't only attracted to me physically and sexually but also mentally. He was the 1st one to tell me that me being successful is sexy. Haha. Never crossed my mind that being successful can also be deemed sexy! Anyway is always nice to receive unsolicited compliments. But I don't take it seriously. I mean I just treated it as a compliment and nothing more.

Chris also told me that he feels comfortable with me which he had told me many times. I felt the same too. Again not reading anything more into what he said to me. Frankly, I don't trust men anymore except my male friends that I have known for a super long time and they have consistently shown me that their actions matched their words. Otherwise, whatever come out of a man's mouth is just a bunch of sweet talking bullshit! Once burnt, twice shy! (my unforgettable experienced with Peter Wittendorp)

Even though Chris hasn't done anything for me not to trust him, but doesn't mean I should trust his words blindly. Words are meaningless without actions to back it up. If it is meaningless why should I take it so seriously. Right?

Anyway, I think Chris is an ok guy to have as a friend.

Unblocked and Random Thoughts about Peter Wittendorp

 have unblocked Peter Wittendorp from my phone because to keep unblocking him means I still haven't move on yet. There is no need to block him as I'm 1000% certain that he will never ever call me even the day he dies and our path will not cross again. When I blocked him, I will still see his number and I don't want that. I deleted his number, hence I won't see it on my phone book anymore. But unfortunately his number is still seared in my memory. I forgot a lot of things, but forgetting his number isn't one of the item. Sigh....I guess I have to take longer to forget his number. 

Anyway, I had subjected myself to some tests last 2 weeks when his name started to pop into my mind again and I'm happy to declare that I feel calm and peaceful. I don't feel the desire to lash out or curse him anymore. I did that a lot in the past year when I wrote posts about him on this blog. To be honest, I forgot about 800% of the contents of my posts I wrote about him and  recently I did read back a particular post simply because that particular post "Memories with Peter Wittendorp" had been widely read in the past 1.5 weeks by visitors to my blog. I was curious why it was so popular and when I read back the post it was about our happy days in Hong Kong in end of March 2015. We stayed in the Pottinger Hotel in Central and a walking distance to his HK office. It was the side of him I loved the most - the big kid side. 

I didn't feel sad reading the post or regret that I actually flew to HK to meet him on his request. It was part of the entire memories he gave me (the good, the bad and the ugly). I didn't forget the bad feelings and vibes he gave me, but I'm emotionally stronger now so I'm able to control and keep the negative thoughts at bay. My heart and mind are finally in sync and I'm happy that I'm no longer rule by my heart, but rather by my mind. I'm feeling nonchalant when his name popped into my mind. Or maybe his name has never left my mind even when I have Chris and others to occupy my thoughts and time. 

I know 1 day his name will no longer lives in my mind, but for now I have to accept the fact that it still does. Is ok. I just need more time to rid him from my mind. I'm not him so I don't have the ability to just block and erase someone from my life and treat that person as non existence in my life before. I'm sure that is what he is doing to remove me from his mind. He has always been good at blocking and deleting. 

Anyway, what he chooses to do is none of my business. I have chosen a path of no u-turn when I decided to write about him on my blogs. I knew it would end our connection and we will never ever be in each other life again. I don't regret what I did because it was the only option I could think of at that time to stop myself from spiralling further into despair, heart brokenness, hopelessness and longing. I wasn't emotionally and mentally as strong as I'm now. If I was, perhaps I might not made such a drastic, irreversible and damaging decision. Who knows? 

We always joked that no matter how hard we tried, we wouldn't be able to kill our connection, but haha.....we managed to do it when we both contributed our own poison pills. Anyway......he was a lesson I needed whether I wanted it or not. I have learned so much more about myself  - the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me. So looking on a positive side, it wasn't a total lost for me. Haha.

Ok....ending this post now. It was supposed to be a short post, but again another long post and I side tracked too. As usual and typical me. Haha! Happy Sunday everyone!

p.s. His birthday is on the 12 of this month. Turning 51. 

My Happy Smile

If someone would to ask me what I love the most about myself, I will answer MY HAPPY SMILE 🤓😁! I look so radiant, cheerful and alluring. When I laugh, it is genuine and my face will just lit up. Haha! I know I might come across vain to people, but I do believe I look gorgeous when I smile 😝! To be honest, when my mood was gloomy I would looked at my photos and when I saw my own happy smiling face smiling back at me, I would feel happy again. My photos remind me of who I'm, the life I have and how bless I'm. But most important of all, it reminded me that I look and feel the best when I'm smiling happily! And I do love to smile and laugh as often and as much as possible because smiling and laughing do chase away my moodiness!!

I chose this particular pic because I look cute with the fake glasses. I look nerdy and happy 🤣🤣! I feel being drawn to this photo for some reason. Lol! When I forgot how to smile (it happened sometimes), the above pic would remind me how to smile and why I should smile because I look pretty and glowing. Haha.

Below is another smiling pic, but my favourite is still the one above. Hehe! Anyway, sending a big happy smile to all my readers! Cheers 😁!

Am I Happy??

A question I have been asking myself a fair bit lately? To be honest, I don't have a firm and clear answer for myself. Haha. I'm not sad or unhappy, that I'm certain. Although I laugh less now, but I'm still carefree and I still had a great time when I went out with my brother or friends. I still smile every morning when I look at myself in the mirror. Haha. That's how I always start my day irregardless of the time I woke up - giving myself a big smile to start my day 😁!

I'm feeling a tad restless because I haven't figure out how to achieve my financial goal yet. It is a tall order and some days I have doubt if I'm able to pull it off. Then I will remind myself that if I want it badly enough and believe in myself, I will achieve it. I just need to be patient, stay true to the path and I will get there. Just a matter of timing. But because I'm ambitious, I want to see immediate result! Haha! So now I'm learning to take it easy and trust that things will fall into place at the right timing. I know I can do it when I put my mind to it!

So am I happy with my life? I can't say I'm not happy, I just feel that I can improve it further. I'm still learning, adapting an accepting the changes I'm experiencing in me. Some days I feel frustrated as my mind won't allow me to dwell into my emotions as I don't know when I became so good at blocking my own thoughts! Haha! Instead of over-thinking, I just allow myself to go with the flow and handle challenges/obstacles as objectively and calmly as possible. I have also learned that I don't need to have the last word for every argument and I don't need to react to every situation. Basically I have learned how to control my reactions to people actions! Which makes my life more peaceful and I feel less agitated or annoyed. Haha. So I guess this indirectly makes me a bit more happy as I don't need to deal with unnecessary dramas!

As I write this post, I might have found the answer to my own question! I'm as happy as I can be and there are room to increase my happiness quotient. I have to accept the fact that I still need time to heal and get over my broken heart. And I definitely need to find more adrenaline rush activities to do/accomplish so that I will continue living my life as colourful and robust as possible. I need to stabilise my financial so that I will have more $$$ to pursue my adventures 😁! I think 1 of the main reason I'm not as happy as I should is because I still need to get out of a few financial shit hole that I put myself in. Once I resolve those financial issues, I will be more free to pursue my personal adventures. The freedom to pursue my adventures will definitely put a big 🤣 on my face and makes me happier. I have learned that I can't rely on people to make me happy, but I have to make myself happy. Relying on people to make me happy is as good as giving them a free pass to control my life and be at their mercy! My own happiness is solely my own responsibility!

Anyway, in conclusion I'm as happy as I can be at this present moment. I hope to increase and improve my happy quotient as I go along. I hope that 1 day I can feel my heart give me a big 🤣 and when I feel that I know I have truly achieve happiness from within! I know my  heart will smile for me 1 day soon 😂!

I wish everyone of you find your own happiness! Cheers!