SMSes With Peter Wittendorp on Stalking/Harassment

Closing the chapter means posting all the past SMSes up and delete it from my phone forever. Was a stressful 1.5 months during which I had to endure internet harassment and his instructions on what I should do and said. His requested me to lie and to deny our lovership and etc. The SMSes spoke for itself what I had written in the past. I don't want to keep repeating myself. 

Being accused by Peter Wittendorp via SMSes

I rest my case how he heartlessly hurts me with his ridiculous accusation. Anyway, is the past now. I don't feel sad or hurt reading back these old SMSes so I guess I have fully recovered. Also I no longer feel the need to protect his image especially when his chapter in my life is closed permanently. SMSes don't lie. That's his number. Not sure if he stills use it or not, but definitely the number that belongs to him.

Time to wake up and let go of Peter Wittendorp

April 18 will be exactly 1 year that Peter Wittendorp is out of my life. It is time for me to let go of the gazillion % of hope that he will 1 day reach out to me to iron things out and be in my life again. Is time to wake up and accept the reality and fact that his journey in my life  ended 1 year ago. Although I cursed him and always said that I didn't want him in my life (yes it was also the truth and fact), but there were also some moments that I wished he would miraculously appear in my life and we will have an adult conversation to clear the air of all misunderstanding and accusations. I also wished we would say sorry in person and forgive each other for all the nasty things we had said. But I know it will never ever happen. Deep down I know our path ended, but yet I'm too stubborn to accept this fact. I was holding on to a non-existent glimmer of hope instead of letting go. 

But now it is really time to wake up and stop wishing. It is time to let go, move on and stop thinking about him. I need to let go of our memories, both good and bad if I want to get him out of my mind. We will never be friend in this lifetime anymore. It is really time for me to stop writing about him or mention him in my posts. It is not doing me any good if I continue to write about him because then I'm keeping him alive in my mind. I can't continue to allow him to stay in my mind. I need to create space for someone new to enter my life who will treats me good and with respect. I need to give myself a chance to meet someone who will be mine and mine only. 

With a sigh and a bit of heavy heart I'm finally ready to close the door and the chapter of my story with Peter Wittendorp. I promised this will be the last time I will write his name and mentioned him in my post. I wish I could turn back the clock and thrash things out openly and honestly rather than cowardly running away from the issues, accusations and misunderstandings. Anyway I'm going to stop wishing and start accepting and letting go of my mistakes. And for the final time I'm going to admit openly and in writing that I do miss him.

With finality I'm closing Peter Wittendorp's chapters in my life journey. 

THE END

Holiday with Gin

Inside the plane and on the way back to KL. My short escape to Bali with my gf, Gin, ended today. Initially I wasn't sure how would it be liked to go on holiday with her as my last experienced was more than a decade ago.....17-18 years ago when we worked in the same hotel in KL. There was where I met her and we grew close very fast. She was a nice and friendly person and she still is today, but I have a new found respect for her that never existed before.  We had long and very open conversations about life, men, relationship and everything that crossed our mind. No judgment was passed between us. We talked like 2 old friends who are always in each other life rather than apart for so long. We laughed silly, we shopped, we drank cocktails and enjoyed each other company.

She got married when she was 26 years and been married for 15 years now with 2 daughters. She is not in love with her husband, but she isn't miserable in the marriage. She described it as a comfortable marriage that are filled with familiarity and obligations. The passion in her marriage was long gone. They haven't have sex since the birth of her youngest daughter so should be at least 8 years. A sexless marriage. I asked her why? She said she doesn't wants her husband to touch her. I asked her doesn't he has a need for it or want it. She said he is ok without the sex too. I asked her doesn't she craves for sex and intimacy. She does but she doesn't wants her husband to touch her. In fact her husband isn't the touchy-feely type at all. She asked him to hug her and he said no. He doesn't kiss her anymore and even when they are out they don't hold hand anymore. I find it a tad sad as she was still young. Although she said she doesn't mind and will stay in the marriage as her husband is a good guy, but I told her honestly I think she deserve to set herself and her husband free from the loveless and sexless marriage before she regrets a few years down the road when her daughters are older and don't need her as much as now.  

She admitted that she did think of running away before she walked down the aisle, but she didn't. She married because she was influenced by her mum that she had to marry at certain age and etc since she was young. She admitted that if she had married later it would have been different. But maybe she is fated to be with her husband. I saw her husband pics and lets just say she could married better. 

I told her about my various loverships, past and present. I told her about my sexual experienced and which man gave me the best orgasms. Hahahahaha. I told her about Peter Wittendorp and how he broke my heart including his accusations and the posts I wrote about him on my blogs and admitted to her I kinda miss him now. I showed her his pic and she commented he looks not bad. I didn't feel sad when I told her the story about Peter Wittendorp and I anymore. Gin told me like all my friends had been telling me that 1 day I will not think and miss Peter anymore. I know I will.

Gin and I we talked a lot about everything and anything. I also told her about Chris, Ian and my other ex-lovers, part-time lovers and we had a good laughed about our sexual experienced, men cock sizes and bed skills. For me, Ian by far was the best ex-lover as his  oral skills were just mind blowing and he never failed to give me multiple orgasms. Chris probably 2nd best. What about Peter then? Hmmmm.........let's just said I like the size of his dick, but he didn't manage to give me multiple orgasms. I can go into details, but I choose not to not because I'm afraid to share with the world, it is just because I'm not ready to share the details yet. Maybe 1 day I will.

It felt great to be able to talk to Gin openly and honestly especially when we had not been in each other life much for more than a decade. If she didn't initiated contact beginning of this year, this mini break might not had happened. I'm happy she reached out and stays in touch. I will not hesitate to go holidays with her again, but she can't do it too often as she has a family to take care of especially her daughters. She did said that she will dedicate more time to herself and does things she likes and enjoys. She shared with me some health tips which I find it useful. 

She also admitted to me she experienced postpartum depression, but it was a mild one so she recovered fairly quickly. This trip brought us closer to each other and I'm super happy and glad that our friendship has a new lease of life, but I gain another good friend that I can confide in. I'm lucky to have good friends that don't pass judgement at all. Not that I care what they think of me, but is always nice to be able to talk without censoring my thoughts. 

I mentioned I have a new found respect for her was because she dares to admit her weaknesses, such as low self-esteem, her wrong reason for getting married and etc. I can tell she is living her life as herself and not trying to put on a show for the world to approve. But her communication style with her husband and her kids is really unique. Haha.

Anyway, it was a fun trip with great time spent with a genuine friend who has always accepted me for me. She actually told me she was surprised that I have more patience now than before and that I'm an improving and growing individually. She admires the fact that I do self-evaluation and change things about myself that I don't like. She said she doesn't does that. I told her to give it a try. Change for herself but no one else. 

This holiday with Gin had showed and reminded me that true friendship can stand the test of time no matter how long we hadn't spoken or saw each other. A true friend will always be by our side and to be rediscovered when the time is right. I'm lucky to have genuine friends. I'm lucky to have good friends like Gin who knows the core me. Definitely a great holiday because I rebuild a friendship and regain a good friend for life. 

Till my next holiday with Gin .......😁

Negative feelings for Chris

My feeling for Chris has turned negative lately. Why? Because his actions such as MIA and taking long time to reply my WhatsApp reminded me too much of Peter Wittendorp. The similarities are just too hard for me to miss and ignore especially when it brought back the same negative feelings and vibes I felt when I was with Peter. I pulled myself out of the rut and still recovering, I really don't want to go through it again. Is not worth it! I don't even love Chris and we are just FWB. I really don't want to put myself through it again so I took a drastic move,  delete Chris number from my handphone. 

This way I feel like I'm cutting off my connection to him. I actually feel good doing so because I don't feel obligated to reply to him. I actually don't miss him as I used to. I don't enjoy the negative feeling I'm feeling because of his shitty behaviours and I don't want to explain to him or ask him to change. He is being himself and beside he is nobody to me except FWB. So cutting tie to him and walking away is an easy task. Cleaner.

I did considered telling him how his shitty behaviours made me feel, but at the end I decided not to because he isn't important to me. So don't bother to waste my breath. I don't know if he will still reach out to me, my guess is he will in a couple of days as he always does after a long stretch of silence from my end or his end. Anyway, whether he reaches out or not, my interests in him is nil now. I have decided I will delete his message without reading it because it will be the same old same old. Apology for MIA on me, long silent and admission he is an ass. I heard it too many times until I couldn't feel touched by his apology anymore. I have enough and I don't want it anymore.

Anyway, is actually nice to cut off people who don't value my friendship. I will only give my time to people who deserve it. I have learned my lesson and I won't hesitate to severe friendship or cut ties when they don't add to my happiness quotient. For the past 2-3 months Chris failed to add to my happy quotient so it isn't a loss to let him go. Sayonara. 

Depression

Tonight I decided to write about this topic because I have a good friend who has depression and another good friend's youngest son is experiencing it too. It is a common mental health issue that all of us will experience some point in our life journey. I don't think anyone can claim they don't have depression. It is nothing to be ashamed off to admit that we have depression. Life can be very stressful at times and when life becomes too overwhelming we lost control of our emotions. Some of us are luckier that we can recover from depression quickly or by ourselves, but some aren't so lucky to be able to fight off the dark mood. I had been there personally and it was caused by Peter Wittendorp. The feared of losing him sent me on a downward spiral for 1 week in April 2014. I cried daily and I didn't had appetite to eat. My friends were worried about me as they had never seen me like that. But I was very lucky to have them by my side as they gave me their time to talk and listen to me. They reminded me of my worth, my strengths and my attractiveness. They helped me to put things in perspectives and understanding that I didn't do anything wrong that would caused Peter to walkout of my life. And even if he did walked out, I would still be okay as I have always been more than okay without him in my life.

But at that very moment, I lost sight of all my achievements and all I could think of was to be with Peter Wittendorp. It was silly and stupid of me and I was seriously depressed for 1 week when I thought he was going to disappear from my life again. I didn't tell Peter what happened to me as I didn't want to scare him away. Until today he didn't know at all unless he reads this post. And honestly it doesn't matter if he knows or not. Is irrelevant now.

Since I had a short bout of depression, I can relate and understand how it feels. Each person deals with depression differently and some need treatment and medication to make them feel better. 1 of my best friend he has it and he has to see doctor and take medication to help him feels better. His depression was mainly caused by work stress and pressure. He was unhappy working in the company, but because of the need to earn a living he stayed in the job. He fought with the GM, who happened to a bitchy woman who didn't like my friend from day 1 hence she planned and plotted on how to get rid of my friend. And she succeeded because my friend wasn't being careful with his words and actions. She managed to got him fired on some stupid ground. Anyway long story short, he hasn't been himself since then. He isn't working at this moment and when I called him he didn't answer my calls unless I sent him an ultimatum. I  don't know how to help him as he isn't willing to open up to me unless I forced it out of him. I can't keep doing that and I don't want to keep doing that as I know it doesn't helps to make him feel better. He knows himself fairly well. So I hope he will snap out of it soon. 

Another depression story I heard is a good friend's youngest teenage son. His son had always been an A-student throughout most of his school life and when he experienced low grade during his university time he couldn't except the failure and from there he just went downward spiral and didn't want to continue his study. He became aggressive, withdrawn and moody. Video games is his escape and he told his parents that he just want to play video game for the rest of his life and nothing else. He even had attempted to jump down from their condo balcony, but his parents managed to convince  him not to do it. 

His mum is a tiger mum who has a high expectation of him hence it puts more pressure on him  and drive him further into his shell. But his dad, who is a good friend of mine just want his son to be happy and out socialising so that he doesn't hide in the home and play video games only. So he had a father and son talk and he told his son if he study hard and earn good salary he has the freedom to do whatever he wants. And the word freedom was the breakthrough and his son decided to enrol himself in a local university. He even acknowledged he has mental issues and would like to understand himself better. Hence he enrolled in psychology subjects.

Everyone going through depression has different ways to deal with it and the treatment for depression varies from person to person. What is important is to acknowledge we have depression and seek help actively. Is nothing to be ashamed off to have depression. Is part and parcel of our life journey. 

I'm lucky because I'm a very positive and strong person so with good friends helped and support I was able to pull myself out of the sink hole. No man is worth me sacrificing my health for him no matter how much I might love him. And I loved Peter Wittendorp with all my heart. I did. Anyway is history.

So for those who is going through depression don't hide yourself, but instead try to talk to someone and always focus on the positive. Temporary setback in life is not the end of the world. Remind yourself that no matter how tough your life is now, it will pass. I know it is easier to say than to do it, but you have to try. You never know what is just around the corner. Tune your mind to focus on happy thoughts and memories. Don't let your mind to play tricks on you. Don't dwell in negative thoughts. Life is beautiful and colorful. Don't miss out on it! 

I wish those who are experiencing depression now to recover and pull themselves out of the rut soon. 

My last night make-up look

Just sharing some photos of my last night make-up look before I went to Arena Bar grand opening. I love my own smile. Everytime I'm unhappy and sad I will look at my smiling photos to remind me that my life is good and I should continue to smile and stay positive. I hope my smile will also be able to cheer up some of you who aren't feeling too good about life at this moment. A reminder to all of us that no matter how tough is our life, we must remember to smile as it helps to make us feel better about ourselves and give us hope that the next best thing is just around the corner.

Anyway, which everyone a good Sunday and a great work week ahead! Cheerios.....

Feeling Disconnected from Chris

I'm not feeling the connection to him anymore. And I really don't know what we have between us that he likes. To me there is nothing between us. How can there be anything between us when he doesn't check up on me daily or take a keen interest in my life. Seriously, I'm tired of getting his apology every few days with the same excuses. Is like groundhog week! But I will give him credit where is due.....he always apologise when he went silent too long. Not sure is that good or bad, but at least he admitted he is being an ass.

If I was still the old me before my painful experienced with Peter Wittendorp, I would have been happy to read all his sweet words and apology. But nowadays I don't fall for sweet words anymore. I watch their actions. If the actions don't match the words then those words are just BS and not worth to be taken seriously at all. I have learned and accepted the fact that people give time to whoever they want. Busy is just the lamest excuse and BS to use when we don't want to reply to someone. We give time to who we want to give time too. To tell me that he likes what we are having (which I don't know what is it), but can't even allocate 5-10mins of his time to chat with me daily then how can he said he likes what we have!! There is nothing to like at all. At least for me there is nothing to like!

I'm not unhappy or upset. I'm just letting it be and let him do whatever he wants. I really don't like to force interactions anymore especially if it isn't given freely from the other party. I enjoyed chatting with him, but that doesn't mean I will put up with his sporadic appearances. The pattern is so obvious and it really reminded me of Peter Wittendorp pattern too. I had enough of Peter Wittendorp, I don't want history to repeat itself again with Chris. If Chris doesn't puts in effort and time, don't expect me to do the same. And apology doesn't makes things right when the same shit happened on a regular basis (MIA).

Anyway, if Chris wants to ghost I won't stop him or reach out to ask him not to. I let him do whatever he wants to do and I do whatever I want. Like I told him in my above WhatsApp chat, I stay away because I don't like the long silent and the sporadic chats. So instead of asking him to change his pattern, I chose to stay away as it is easier for me to control my own actions than his. Once I have learned to accept people for who they are and how they behave with each person, I realised the best way to deal with a situation is to decide what I should do and don't instead of asking the other person to do what I want them to do. Anything that is force or demand out from the other person isn't something I want to receive. It makes me feel like I'm desperate and begging, which I'm neither. I had enough of such feeling when I was with Peter Wittendorp to last me forever. I won't subject myself to such feelings anymore with anyone no matter how much I like the person be it a man or woman.

I respect people who are blunt and upfront with me rather than those that keep giving me excuses for their shitty actions and apologised for it later just so they can restart it again! So what am I going to do with Chris? Nothing. I give up on him already. I'm feeling disconnected from him at this moment and it doesn't matters to me if he stays in touch or not. I don't feel his presence in the past few weeks, which makes it so much easier for me to decide to stay away from him.

Until now I still haven't received any of his reply to my last message (above). Is his pattern and that is why I don't feel like replying him as I did expect a courtesy reply. Oh well, I couldn't be bothered by the lack of it. I have tons of things to do.

Subject close for now!

Current thoughts about Peter Wittendorp

I just read back some of the old SMSes and I was very tempted to post all of it on my blog for everyone to read and to know that all the things I wrote about Peter Wittendorp were the truth and I didn't make it up. But then I told myself don't do it, don't go down the dark path again. I'm actually glad that I wrote down most of my feelings and thoughts that I had for him in the past because it helps to stop me from doing something crazy like posting our past SMSes and WhatsApp chats. If I didn't delete most of it when he asked me to, I would had more left with me. After all, we communicated almost daily for 2 years. 

I know I shouldn't miss him, but I do. I missed our connection and laughter, but I can't forget the pain and hurt he inflicted on me. Deep down I know clearly we are so over for this lifetime and it did made me a tad sad especially when my life gets too overwhelming and I will think of him. And it makes me even sadder when I know I don't cross his mind anymore. I'm just a stranger to him now. Someone he will do everything to forget and erase from his mind. I can guess what he is thinking. 

Some days I wished he was still in my life and I had the guts to express my feeling for him openly rather than deny and hide it as I did. I should had been stronger and not looked back when I walked away from him. I shouldn't had fell in love with him. There are just too many I shouldn't......I'm not obsessed with him, but I certainly missed him. I just don't know why I missed him or maybe I do, but I'm not actively trying to figure out the answer. 

I just want to forget him like he is forgetting me. I just want to forget everything that reminds me of him. At this moment I wish I was the bad and crazy woman he accused me to be because then I will do everything to hurt him in order to heal myself and I will continue to post all undeniable and indisputable proofs of how he pursued me and the lied he told me. I'm tempted to do it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't hurt him in such a manner. Writing about him is 1 thing because those are just all my words. But posting all those proofs are a different thing all together. I'm not a revengeful person. Most of the time I just acted without thinking, but not anymore. 

I know he has moved on and deleted me from his mind and I should do the same too. I will.....I'm working on it and I will get there soon. I never thought it would take me this long to forget him. Sigh........

Anyway, I'm mentally exhausted from work and etc. I want to zzz now so stopping here.

Goodnite world!!