Healing nicely

Slowly but surely I'm getting over Peter. 3.5 months had passed and it was hard in the 1st month as I had to come to terms with the fact that he will never be in my life anymore and dealing with the hurt and pain he inflicted on my heart. It was not only mentally torturing, but also emotionally and physically as well. Every time I replayed our last conversation, it brought me to tears and I couldn't breath without experienced severe chest pain. It lasted for 2 weeks. I never told any of my best friends what I experienced until recently. I didn't even blog about this until tonight. I was glad that I had a job to keep me occupied in the daytime and at night I just stayed home as I didn't feel like socialising. I was a wreck in May and my friends commented that I looked like I had lost weight. I wasn't sure if I did or not as I didn't weighed myself. I just know that I couldn't retold what happened between us without tearing up and feeling the chest pain. I could still remember that on the last Sunday in May, I sent him a SMS to lash out at him as I was still very upset, sad and mad at him.  After I sent off the SMS I told myself I need to let him go and move on. I need to stop looking for answers because I will never get any answers. I need to learn to accept the fact that he will never apologise for what he said and did to me. And with that final SMS, I promised myself that I will not shed a tear for this person anymore. But I still missed him a lot. There were times I imagined he would text me out of the blue to apologise, but of course it never happened.

As I transitioned into the month of June, I could feel that my old self started to come back. I gained a lot of insight and clarity into my life and that helped in my healing. And also during this period, I began to open up and told a few of my best friends what happened between Peter & I, from A-Z including the internet harassment to his lying and accusation of me. It made me felt so much better after I was able to tell them my story and poured out my bottled up feelings and emotions. I was grateful to my best friends for lending me their ears, for not judging me and for reminding me again and again of  the core me. Their constant reminder helped me a lot. I re-examined my life, my past relationship with Peter (both lovership and friendship) and I realised that I was compromising a lot just to keep him in my life. He puts me thru hell and I called it love. Hahahahaha! That realisation was a slap in my own face!! And my wake up call. I have to admit that I truly did loved him more than I thought and wanted to admit. In the past, I always denied that fact that I loved him deeply even when he asked, I just said I loved him but I never told him how much because I didn't want to scare him away. But after the brouhaha and in order to heal myself, I decided to face all my feelings and emotions head on. No more hiding, denying and lying!! I couldn't ignore it if I want to heal hence facing it head on was the only option I had. That was also part of the reason why I decided to write about him & I.

It did crossed my mind to give him a pseudonym, but then I decided I didn't want to do that because he is a human being with a name and a face. Yes, he might think I wanted to shame him purposely or whatever negatives shit that he could conjured up in his mind about me, but I decided I had to do what was best for me and not him. And what was best for me was to write about our story openly and without hiding both our identities. Beside, it was necessary to regain control of my life especially from the internet harasser. I was and am prepared for being judged by people I know and don't know. To me, that was the only way I could let him go and moved on. I know it wasn't the best and wisest move, but it helped me to get over him and out of my system! So in June, I was on the road to recovery from my heartbreak.

And today is the last day of July and I can proudly said I'm healing nicely. How do I know? Oh well, I put myself thru some mental tests in the past few weeks, recalling all the harsh and mean words he said to me and it didn't made me sad, angry and upset anymore. I tried to force myself to write about him, both negatively and positively and I just didn't feel like doing it at all. As each day passed me by, I feel less and less of him. Yes, he is still lingering in my mind, but I could feel he isn't in my heart anymore.

In May, I was still longing for him to walk back into my life, but now I don't have such longing anymore. I tried to imagine what would I do or how would I react if he does indeed reach out to me 1 day a few years down the road and the truth is I might have forgotten him by then. Hahaha! Nah, I doubt I will forget him unless I have amnesia which could be a possibility as anything can happen.

I also know he isn't in my heart anymore because I don't miss him and I don't care what he thinks of me anymore. Not only that, I also don't care about his feelings which I used to care a lot in the past. All I care now is taking good care of myself, stay true to myself and continue to be ME without omitting any parts of me. I cease to care if he deviates from the core him. I'm not interested to have him in my life anymore nor me in his life!! His world is just not my cup of tea. Not only it is filled with dramas, but also lies and deceits. A blunt person like me will never be able to fit in as I will not tolerate being accused of something I didn't do! I can forgive and forget a lot, but not accusation! That was an insult and assault to my character and I wouldn't allow anyone to do that to me, especially him! To me, my dignity, self worth and self respect are more important than having him in my life even as a friend. With that realisation, I'm able to let him and whatever love feelings I still have for him go.

I'm happy to declare that I'm moving on nicely in my life. Tomorrow is August and it is my b'day month. Looking forward to celebrating with my girlfriend from NYC in Bali 😂😂

Although the healing took me 3.5 months, but it is definitely shorter than I thought. I never thought I would be able to stop loving him and get him out of my heart, but today it shows me I could. So the possibility of me forgetting who he is might not be impossible. Haha. Only time would tell. He once said to me he didn't want me to forget him. But I think now he will be glad that I forget him. I think he will do the same to me too, knowing how he thinks and acts. He isn't that hard to understand and I had experienced all aspects of him so I know and understand him deeper than he thinks. I just don't show it only.

I'm a rebel and I don't conform. And I'm daring and I don't give a fuck about other people view and opinion of me hence I always do what I want. I'm definitely not the typical women that are in his life or he met before. If he compares me to anyone he knows or presently in his life, he will never be able to understand me because I'm unique. Hahaha! He will never meet another interesting and exciting woman like me again. That's a fact!! Ok, enough self praising. Cheeky me kicks in!! 😛😛

Anyway, he doesn't concerns me anymore. So this is how I feel about him now. I'm very sure he will not lingers in my mind much longer. He might makes a cameo appearance in my mind from time to time, but it won't affect me emotionally and mentally anymore. He is just simply up there in my mind!

Nothing is Impossible!

Skydiver Survives Jump From 25,000 Feet, and Without a Parachute

Luke Aikins was the 1st person to attempt skydiving without a parachute or wingsuit!! Wow!! When I first read the heading before I read the article, I was like WTF!! Insanely ballsy!! Ordinary man, extraordinary achievement!!

I couldn't believe that someone would attempt something so insane and came out unscathed. Now, this is what I called Extreme Sport!! Haha. Phew.....I wondered what went thru his mind during the entire period to the moment he knew he had landed safely. If I would to guess I think he just focused his entire mental energy and concentration on landing safely. Don't think he could afford to let any slightest fear and worry to distract him from his ultimate goal of surviving the jump!

Reading his story inspired me. Seriously, nothing is impossible if we put our mind to do it. If we believe in ourselves and conquer our fear, we could achieve the greatest feat that we set out for ourselves. Focus, determination and perseverance are the keys to achieving the impossible. Never underestimate our own capabilities and abilities. Seriously, everything is possible if we dare to chase after our dream and goals! Of course we need to do proper planning and lots of practice too if we want to succeed. My hats off to Luke Aikins! It took a lot of mental strength to be able to do what he did!! Absolutely 200% insanity!! 😂

In life, we always have to give our dream and goals a shot before we give up. If we don't try, we already fail! And in my life motto, nothing is impossible!

If there is a will, there is  a way!! If you think you can, you can!!

Definition of HYPOCRITE!

A hypocrite preaches one thing, and does another.

The word hypocrite is rooted in the Greek word hypokrites, which means “stage actor, pretender, dissembler.” So think of a hypocrite as a person who pretends to be a certain way, but really acts and believes the total opposite. Hypocrites usually talk a big talk but fail to follow their own rules!!

Lies & excuses. Hypocrites have excuses for everything. You will find that they spend a lot more time excusing their behavior than ever actually improving it. Instead of apologizing or admitting fault, they simply ignore reality & argue with solid evidence when confronted with it. Survivors also often notice that psychopaths seem to enjoy the thrill of lying. Sometimes it seems they've planted evidence that actually allows you to catch them. They lie even when the truth would suffice. Why? Because duping others is what they do. It is the only highlight of their otherwise insufferably boring lives. (Pathological lying)​

Heart and Mind

Each day you are fading further away from my mind. I tried to recall the love I felt for you and it isn't there anymore. I tried to remember those silly conversations that we used to had on daily basis which never failed to put a smile on my face before, but now it didn't make me smile anymore. I wanted to hold on to those memories, but my mind just wouldn't cooperate. Maybe this is the sign that I'm finally letting you go from my mind and heart. Your existence isn't that important and precious to me anymore.

If tomorrow I will to get the news you are no longer on this planet, I might still feel sad and maybe a tinge of regret because of the way things ended so uglily between us especially when we both intentionally hurt each other to the point of no return. I might even shed a tear or two because I did loved you with all my heart and soul, but I won't miss you at all. In my mind and heart now, you are just a man with a heart of steel, a man who played with my heart and mind and a man that doesn't has the balls to apologise sincerely for hurting me.  I don't respect you anymore. In my eyes now, you are just a fake and your life is just a joke fills with lies, deceits and pretentiousness. The web of lies you created and told me were just too complicated for an honest and blunt person like me to comprehend. And I don't want to understand as it will taint my mind and heart!

But then I have to thank you too. Because of what you showed me about you and your life, I'm even more determined to be more open, honest and blunt with people around me. I will not be a fake like you and I will not be a hypocrite like you are!! Now I understand why you felt offended when I unintentionally called you a hypocrite. Simply because you are one!! But I didn't know that at that time and looking back now, I felt foolish for apologising and felt bad for calling you a hypocrite. Silly me! Only a guilty person will feel offended!

You were so right when you said you were not a gentleman. I didn't believe you back then, but now I couldn't agree more and finally I could see why you made such a disclaimer in the early stages because you had planned from the start to be a douchebag 😞.The red flags were there from the beginning, but I was too blinded by my feeling for you that I chose to ignore it. I tricked myself into believing that you were an honest, genuine good man who would never hurt me intentionally or lied to me. Liar was never a term associated with you until now. Do you know what was the hardest thing for me to accept ?? That you were a liar and you played with my feelings. You led me on and made me believed you loved me! You are really a piece of work Peter!! 

Anyway, I'm glad that we had this fallout because it allowed me to see the real you. The side of you that you hide from the world. Now in my mind and heart, you are a liar, a hypocrite, a fake and an ass. And I definitely don't fit in your world! Your world is full of bullshit....just like you! I wish I'm a super bitch because then I will post all your SMSes I still keep and let the world be the judge! And your photos too. 

Last but not least, please continue to think negatively of me. Is ok if you think you don't know me anymore because you don't!! I have changed. I became even more blunt, honest and open. I have nothing to fear except for not able to be the authentic me! I will openly express my thoughts about anything, everything, anyone and everyone. I will post whatever I like whenever I feel like it. My life, my choice and my decision!!

p.s. A sincere sorry from you was all I ever wanted. It would have made me heal faster. You just like to see me suffer!

Loving Ourselves Wholeheartedly

"We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone. Let’s make that decision for ourselves and for the young women in this world who look to us as examples. Let’s make that decision consciously, outside of the tabloid noise. We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own “happily ever after” for ourselves." - Jennifer Aniston   

Read her complete article Loving Ourselves Wholeheartedly

Is true that we women don't love ourselves enough and we always search love from other people, especially men. We feel that we are incomplete or unlovable if we don't have a man in our life and hence we do everything in our power to find and get ourselves a man. And after we get a man, we sacrifice ourselves, who we are, what we like, our goals and dreams to accommodate the man so that he will continue to love and stay with us. We put him on a pedestal to worship him. We make him the center of our universe. We tolerate, forgive and find excuses for his shitty behaviour and actions. We justify our tolerance by telling ourselves we love him. We trick our brain and convince ourselves that he will change for us once he sees how much we love him! We keep quiet and bite our tongues when we want to lash out at him. Instead we apologise to him when he doesn't even deserves it! We do everything to keep him happy so that he won't leave us. In the process of doing so, we lose ourselves and we forget to love ourselves as deeply and dearly as we love him.

Yes, we women are guilty of all the above and I'm no exception. Guilty as charge 😝! But not anymore. After my experienced with Peter Wittendorp I told myself I will not omit any pieces of myself to make a man stay in my life. I will not hold back my tongue just to make him feel good and comfortable. I will speak my mind and I will call an ace an ace! I will love myself wholeheartedly without needing a man to shower me with his love. If I'm lucky enough to meet a man who loves me, he has to loves me for me including the good, the bad and the ugly. Although I have more good traits for him to love than bad or ugly!! Hahaha!

Anyway, bottomline is we need to learn to love ourselves wholeheartedly before we look for a man to love us. We need to accept ourselves wholeheartedly and we need to carve our own happily ever after. A man in our life doesn't guarantee happiness. Sometimes it bring us unnecessary dramas and make our life miserable and unhappy! So always remember having a man in our life doesn't meaner life is complete.  Without one doesn't means we are incomplete. 

We just need to learn not to judge ourselves too harshly and learn to love ourselves wholeheartedly and our life will be more beautiful and colourful. REMEMBER THAT!!

Quit if work isn't enjoyable!

Yesterday I did something I would never do if it was 5 years ago. I told my client I withdraw my service to him and from the assignment. I had enough of his unreasonableness as well as trying to make me looked incompetent. The monetary gain isn't worth such an insult and assault to my intelligence, self respect and self worth. My life is too precious to be wasting my time and energy dealing with people who don't know how to be reasonable and respectful. He thinks he is right just because he is the client. I tolerated him for 5 months and I had enough of it. Done and over with!

I copied my Country Head in the email and also sent her messages to tell her to withdraw me from the assignment and I don't care if she wants to deduct or not pay me the commission as I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not a rookie and I always did and gave my very best, but when a client gets too unreasonable and humiliating, I won't put up with it anymore. I'm at a stage in my life where I work for fun and not to stress myself out over a deal. It ain't worth it. Life isn't just about money and deals. Beside, I don't like to keep pretending that I'm happy to provide my services to the client when I'm not. I don't want to force myself to do something I don't enjoy doing. Period.

Am I worried of getting into trouble with my Country Head?? NO I don't. I'm prepared to resign from this corporate company as I don't see myself fitting in at all! As I get older, I'm getting more selective on the type of clients I want to provide my services too. I want to have the choice to choose who I want to work with and I want to be happy working. That's my bottomline!!

Anyway, I off my company's phone and shut down my laptop. I'm very sure there are many messages and emails from this client and my Country Head. I don't care. I have decided not to deal with it until I feel like I want to deal with it which is most likely tomorrow afternoon as I have meeting in the morning. I already told my Country Head from Day 1 before she hired me that money isn't my priority. I must enjoy my work and also able to learn new skills. But my present company is unable to provide to me those 2 things so I don't see a future in this company.

Oh well......is time to take another short sabbatical so that I can search for new challenges and opportunities that will invigorates and motivates me to reach for my giant goal! Wish me luck.....😀😀

Spooky

Ok, on 19th July I wrote that I received a lot of audiences from Singapore who checked out my blog thru iPhone in a very short time span. It is happening again! Just over the weekend, there were 253 page views from Singapore and all using iPhone. But the most spooky part was at any 1 time, the page views could went up to 60. It usually happened during the weekend and weekdays were quiet. Really spooky because I'm feeling like my blog is being monitored. Maybe I overthink. But there is a pattern here and I just couldn't help wondering whether was it 1 person action or a group of people. Every time I wrote about this, it would stopped for a few days without any audiences from Singapore and then it would picked up momentum aggressively. Even in the middle of the night such as 4am!!
Oh ya, it also happened to my the other blog on Wordpress. On the same day, I saw audiences from Singapore appeared on my blog in Wordpress. But the number wasn't as crazy as my post on the Blogger site. I don't think it is a coincident. I think someone is definitely checking out my blogs for a specific reason.

Anyway, my blog is open to anyone so not worry at all. Just very very curious why such an unusual pattern. What's the motive behind the action? And most of the time the page views were on posts related to Peter Wittendorp!! Is like someone just interested in posts written about him. Why?

Definitely a mystery and I will never know the answer. Haha

Ok night everyone!


Updated 25.7.16

Hmmm......no sign of aggressive audiences from Singapore today. I think my suspicious might be right! Anyway, find it really amusing. Hahaha

Updated 26.7.16

Ok.....I think I updated too quickly. Saw an influx of audiences from Singapore to both my blog address and again the same thing.....98% of the posts viewed were related to Peter Wittendorp!! Maybe just coincidence. But I don't believe in coincidence!! It really pique my curiosity now. Suspected it could be the work of 1 person or a group of people who has/have vested interest in Peter Wittendorp. My blog isn't dedicated to him. It contained posts about myself, about life, politics and etc so why only viewed posts I wrote about him. And only thru iPhone?? I don't think is Peter himself as I don't think he will be so crazy to read the same posts over and over and over again. Beside, I don't think he knows about this blog as I had changed the name of the blog 2x.

Oh well.....even if is he, don't care. Will update again tomorrow and my money is that there will be no audiences from Singapore. I shall see.....haha

Updated 27.7.16

Yes, appeared again.

Updated 31.7.16

Still showed up, but much less page views. I'm really beginning to think my blog is being monitored. Don't know why and to be honest I don't care. I'm just curious. That's all!

Month of August

There was one day this week my blog logged a lot of viewers from Singapore and same thing as before, majority of the posts read were related to Peter Wittendorp. Is really weird and spooky. I really couldn't figure out why. Anyway, my blog is open to public so anyone can read anything. Just mainly curious.

Politic and Corruption

I never like to read any news related to politics therefore I'm not familiar with my country politicians name and face. I always feel and think that as long as the country is peaceful and I get to earn a living I'm not going to be bothered by the crazy world of politics. But very unfortunate, in the past 2 years my country was thrust into the limelight and today Malaysia took the centerstage and made front page news around the world for having a very very corrupted man whom the US Justice of Department referred to "Malaysia Official 1", whom we locally nicknamed Jibbygor. 

This person siphoned off my country taxpayers money and lined not only his own pockets but also of his cohorts. It was daylight robbery and to make matter worst he and his gang of thieves spewed out explanations that any person with brain will never believe at all!! The excuses were just absurd and made my country a laughing stock around the world. But this wasn't the worst, the worst was the independent authorities such AG and Anti-Corruption departments are staffed with this person supporters hence this person was found not guilty even though there was an obscene sum of money found in his private account. He claimed it was a donation by a particular sovereign country in the Middle East!!! Really?? Wow! Speechless. Salute them for able to come up with such a far fetched and yet sounded plausible explanation!! Bravo to have this person running the country.....running it to the ground and along the way this person became the most famous person in the world!! He made Malaysia infamous as we are constantly being featured in the World News! Brought shame to the country and its citizens but yet he and his group of daylight official robbers could still carry on life as usual. Unbelievable!

Waiting to see what other absurd excuses Jibbygor are going to spew out and also all the dramas his cohorts are orchestrating to distract Malaysians from the ongoing US investigation.

I am ashamed to have such a leader leading my country. If he doesn't steps down soon, he will run the country into deep dark black hole. The corruption and the scandal are just getting out of control and more ridiculous. Sigh.

Money and power are the root of all evils!!

Live to work

Had 2.5 hours morning breakfast with my Country Head on Monday (18.7.16) to discuss about my future in the company. I told her I'm not sure if I can last long in the company as the rigid company structure is really not my cup of tea and I don't find the fun in working in the company. I don't like reporting and I don't like the pressure. At this stage of my life, I want to work for pleasure and not pressure. I don't want to climb up the corporate ladder (not that I'm not capable and qualify). I just want to enjoy my work without having to concern myself about achieving my target and etc. I want freedom. I live to work NOT work to live. Most people will worry if they still have a job, I don't.

I told my Country Head that I feel like I have to prove myself all over again in this company and I don't like that. And most important I don't want to suck up to my clients when I don't want to. I want to be able to choose my clients and if I work in this company I don't have the freedom and flexibility. She understood and she tried her best to convince me to continue to stay for the balance of 18 months. She said she needed me to help her to grow the company. I told her to give me until August and I will give her my final decision. I told her I need to sort out my own thoughts and find my own goal. I will give her my final decision after my birthday in August.

Frankly, if possible I would want to quit my job now as this job isn't for me. I don't enjoy reporting and I hate the bureaucratic and rigid corporate structure. I find it suffocating. I don't like to play by the rules and the office politics. Maybe when I was younger and before I had a taste of being my own boss and responsible for my own decision making, I would think climbing the corporate ladder and being a CEO of a company was the best thing in the world. But not now anymore. I find people who work in such an environment are usually very conscious about their reputation and wearing a mask - a public persona and a private persona are 2 different people. Just like Peter. I can't be that type of person. I work hard to behave the same publicly and privately and I don't want to hide any part of me to please people.

And I might have to do that in the office as someone commented to my Country Head that I came across as negative when I vented my frustrations on a client. She told me try not to vent in the open office and if I need to, goes to her and let it out. Hahaha! When I heard that I was like....seriously!! Venting frustration = negative!! It is hilarious to even hear that remark as everyone who knows me will confirm that I'm the most positive person they have ever met. Even Peter said that to me all the time and it was 1 of the thing he loved about me....my positiveness!! So to be told that I appeared negative because I vented my frustrations, I wasn't only feeling dumbfounded but also hilarious 😂

😂!!

See, I also have to give up my freedom of speech and expression!! Ridiculous! She told that I'm too noticeable whether I want it or not. People will just pay more notice to me from what I wear to what i say and do. Can't help it she said especially with my blonde color hair and outgoing nature couple with my directness.

Anyway, bottomline is I don't need this job so not going to concern myself with the comments. I might not have the same financial stability as I used to have 3.5 years ago, but I still have enough for me to choose what I want to do and who I want or don't want to work for. This is the type of freedom I have and I'm not afraid to choose. I'm truly lucky that I LIVE TO WORK and not WORK TO LIVE!

Charlie Puth's songs - remind me of Peter

I enjoy Charlie Puth's songs especially One Call Away. Don't know why but every time I heard this song and the word Superman I was reminded of Peter. He definitely doesn't looks like Superman or behave like one, but somehow he just came to mind when I heard that. I know I'm weird. Haha. And beside this song doesn't apply to him as he isn't one call away for me at all! I think the song to describe our situation now is We Don't Talk Anymore, sang by Puth and Selena Gomez. I heard it for the 1st time today and another good song too.

I enjoy Charlie Puth songs because the songs were meaningful and yet relaxing. I always feel upbeat listening to his songs even though the lyrics were kinda sad sometimes. Marvin Gaye, him singing with Megan Trainor was also a nice song. All these songs were from his album Nine Track Mind.

Apple Music makes it so much more easy and cheaper to listen and download songs. Happy to pay subscription for it. I know his favourite songs but since I said I won't write anything more about him, I will do my best to keep my promise.

Ok, have to get back to work.