Peter Wittendorp

A name that I want to forget and yet I'm being reminded on almost a daily basis because of the posts I wrote about him and I. Without failed everyday for the past few weeks visitors to my blogs would searched for posts related to him. I had wrote so many posts about other men in my life and also about my daily life, but yet the interest was always about Peter Wittendorp. I wonder why??? What are so interesting about these posts that it actually prompted the visitors to search my blogs for all the posts related to him? I will be lying if I say I'm not curious to know why, but since I will never know the answers I will just drop my curiosity!

Seeing his name on a daily basis brought back some memories, but didn't affect my emotions at all. The only feeling that is associated with his name and him is he is a LIAR! He was a lesson the universe wanted me to learn from. He was the 1st man I loved deeply and also a man who hurt me the most and changed my views about relationship and men permanently. I was never a believer in marriage, but after my emotional, mental and physical loverhsip with Peter Wittendorp, I think marriage is just the biggest joke we human play on ourselves!!

Men think they are doing women  favour by marrying us and women feel that getting married, having a husband and kids are the greatest achievement in her life are in for a rude awakening and reality check! 99% of men cheat and most of the reasons men used to cheat are to mainly to delusion themselves so that they don't feel bad about cheating! They don't only lie to the women, but also to themselves. And for those women who continue to stay and believe in their cheating man, you aren't being brave and forgiving. You just don't want to face the reality that your man is a cheater. Cold hard truth is never easy to admit and swallow!

"I love you and want to be with you. But I still love her and want to be with her too. This isn't the traditional 1-1 love"  - That was what Peter Wittendorp said to me and I fell for it. I should had ran away from him, but instead I fell deeper for him! Hahaha. Silly me. I guessed that was what love do to the brain.....made me stupid instead of being smart and alert 😆! Now I can laughed at my own stupidity as I had forgiven myself for trusting Peter and for giving him countless chances to break my heart! I had to shoulder some of my actions and took responsibilities for my decisions.

He isn't a bad person, but he isn't a good man too. I'm numb to his accusations and I choose not to response further. Silence is golden 😄! Best way to deal with senseless accusations from someone is to ignore it entirely! Engaging in words war will just fuel it further and drain me as well. My well being is my main priority. And why waste time arguing my innocent when the accusation hurled at me came from a serial liar (2 full years)!

Anyway, whatever! If people want to believe a liar, let them be. I can't control what people choose to believe and not. Oh well, writing about him just gives me negative vibes so I'm going to stop now.

Kiasu, Khasi

According to Wikipedia, the meaning for Kiasu & Kiasi are explained as the following:

Kiasi is commonly compared to Kiasu (literally, fear of losing) and both are commonly used to describe behaviour where Kiasi or Kiasi-ism means to take extreme means to avoid risk and Kiasu or Kiasu-ism means to take extreme means to achieve success.

It is a Hokkien dialect and widely use in KL, Singapore & Taiwan. But most of the time we use it to describe Singaporean behaviour because they are known for possessing such traits. And recently, while I was doing some research online I stumbled across not 1 but multiple blogspots by the same person covering different aspects of his/her life. I didn't read the blogs as I found it amusing that this person is so Kiasu until he/she needs to have so many different blog address to promote himself/herself!! I don't know where this person is from, but definitely is Asia as the blog address starts with this person name 🙄🙄!

I couldn't help wondering what type of person feels a need to publicise his/her existence through so many blogs??? Probably attention seeker with insecurity issue 😝!! I contemplated to write this post or not, but at the end of the day I decided to do so because this person is displaying the classic kiasu behaviour. I'm really curious to know the nationality of this person. My gut feeling is leaning towards Singaporean (p.s. google wikipedia the word kiasu and it makes reference to Singaporeans 🙈😂), but personally I'm not sure.  If my gut feeling is right......it will be the most hilarious and kiasu act!!! 😂😂😂

Anyway, this post is not to pass judgement on anyone, but rather to demonstrate the meaning of kiasu and kiasi.

Deja Vu

Chris is on radio silence again!! This is at least the 5th time (lost count to be honest) and the 1st time he didn't tell me he won't be in touch. But then I'm not surprised with his radio silence as he has been a bit off the chart after Halloween. I tried to ask him what was bothering him or if he needed space, but to no avail. And honestly, I'm tired of asking. I really don't want to spend my time asking if everything is cool or not. Beside, we live too far apart to even have a shot to make this lovership works. Hence I'm not going to pour too much of my energy and time into this lovership, especially not after my horrendous experienced with Peter. One experienced is enough to last me a lifetime. I have to learn the lesson the hard way and seeing that I had recovered, I won't be so stupid to jump into another lovership with a guy who sometimes reminded me of Peter.

Yes, Chris did cheered me up and so did Peter when things were great between us, but after things to sour, Peter also turned into an asshole! So now my mind and heart are guarded and I don't trust easily. Plus I'm big fan of the saying actions speaks louder than words. Don't get hung up on all the sweet words a man utters, but rather watch if his actions match his words or not.

Oh well, it is actually kinda good to be able to see and experience another side of Chris at this early stage. At least I can decide the next step. I have been thinking of cutting Chris out of my life permanently as it is a huge turn off with his stonewalling behaviour. I came close to deleting and blocking him a few times today, but I told myself don't be rash but rather don't allow his behaviour affect me. After all, we are just LDR lover and nothing more. I don't need to take things too seriously and I can always treat him as just a casual friend. And I always have the same choice as him so if I really want to treat him with radio silence I can and have every right to do so. Haha.

My EQ is definitely much much higher now compare to before. Heart break does changed a person. Not only I can feel the changes in me, but also see and experience it on a daily basis. Cutting people off, especially men isn't hard anymore. And I won't allow anyone to take advantage of my kindness anymore. Being too nice to men means being cruel to myself! So I refuse to be nice unless I get the same treatment.

Honestly, if I find out Peter is dead, I don't think I will shed a tear for him at all. He isn't worth another drop of my precious tear. His presence and demise from this world is of no impact to me anymore. I wish in my lifetime I will never see his face again even if it is just coincidental. I don't hate him because hating him means he still have a place in my heart. I just don't want to see a cheater and liar face at all. I will let his legal half deal with his cheating and put up with his bullshit and lies. I don't pity her because the image Peter painted of her wasn't good. According to Peter, she was a cheater hence it was the main reason he decided to cheat and even contemplating divorce.

Anyway, whatever is the truth doesn't matters to me anymore. I'm just writing what I was told by Peter, in his own words. Knowing him, of course he will deny he ever said that to me and I really don't care he admit or deny. All I care is I'm writing what I was told and my conscious is cleared. So both Peter and his other half are cheaters and liars. They deserve each other!

Sorry I sidetrack a bit.....haha. Coming back to Chris, I will just let him be and goes with the flow. If 1 day I really don't want to put up with his lacks of reply, I will just delete or block him.

Chris does gives me a Deja Vu feeling, which I dislike tremendously, but for the time being I'm still able to handle my feelings. So keeping Chris in my life a little bit longer!

My World (written on 11.11.16)

I'm sitting in Ippudo typing away as I just finished my lunch. Been awhile since I last wrote as I had been busy and extremely tired from work. Good kind of tired so I'm happy. Beside my lovership life is keeping me occupied too 😈😂! Still chatting and talking to Chris on daily basis, but his night shifts are disrupting his sleep so our chats/talks didn't lasted as long as before. And he is also getting into the habit of not answering some of my questions. I was annoyed and frustrated at 1st, but not anymore. I just let him be and not be to hung up about the lack of information and reply. What I do is find myself another 2-3 more new people to chat with. Not lovers, but just new friends who are like minded. I just want to give myself more options and all these new people have made me understand men more. And I notice patterns in men behaviour and actions that are fairly interesting and fascinating.

Raining cats and dogs now. Surrounded by lunch crowd and yet I'm able to retreat into my own world and not be affected by the activities around me. Is really fun to be able to block the world out and just enjoy the sound of the rain pelting down. The havoc the rain is going to cause the traffic later. It will be a nightmarish and massive traffic jam!! I'm going to head home after this post.

I remember the 1st long chat I had with Chris was when he was in Florida and it was also raining cats and dogs like now. We had a very nice chat and found out that we actually enjoy and like rain 😃😀! But lately I feel like he is slightly disconnected and distracted. It is just my own gut feeling but I could be oversensitive. But then again I could be right. I didn't ask him because I know even if I do ask he won't tell me. Hence what's the point to ask. He likes to keep things to himself so I will respect his decision.

Anyway, the rain has stops and I think I want to head home so that I can put up my feet and enjoy the comfort of my own home.

Wishing everyone a good day and week ahead. Hope you guys are able to find your own little world in this crazy unpredictable world we are living in!

Daily Chat with Chris

".........there's also all the other facets that I find equally amazing too. It's like Christmas and you get a present within a present within a present 😊". Chris words to me this evening. I felt happy that he managed to see and find so many facets of me amazing, but at the same time I felt it might just be sweet words to make me happy and not sincere. I know, I know.....I have a serious trust issue. I know I'm an amazing woman and I know he didn't just said it to make me feel good and happy, but yet I couldn't help doubting his words. 

My last experienced with Peter seriously changed my views on men and turned me into a less trusting person. Now words are just words without any concrete actions to back it up. I believe in consistent actions and not words anymore unless it is uttered by someone I know very well and has consistently shown me he/she is reliable and honest. Even if Chris meant it from the bottom of his heart, I still have trouble trusting him. I trusted Peter without a doubt and looked what happened to me in the end. I learnt my lesson and I'm not going to repeat the same mistake. I want to trust Chris, but it is still a long way to go before I can fully trust him. I just want to protect myself from being hurt again.

So for now I will just enjoy all the sweet words and compliments Chris said to me when I read or hear it. It will not stay in my mind even though I know I'm amazing 😂😝🙈!! He also told me he will be busy this evening hence he won't be able to reply my messages until much later in the night. I was surprised when I read that because it was totally unexpected especially when I told him to take the space he needs to do whatever he needs to do and come back to me when he is free and in the same mind frame as me. Never once did I complaint about him taking too long to reply. In the beginning I did said jokingly he always went rogue on me, but for the past 2 weeks I didn't said it anymore as I have decided to let him be and just goes with the flow.

Men are funny creature. When you didn't expect them to update you, they would. When you want them to update you, they won't 🙈! Anyway, it did made me happy when I read that because he didn't need to. So I thanked him for informing me. I appreciated the thought from him. We have been chatting almost daily for about 5 weeks now. I'm wondering if we can still continue our daily chat without getting bored with each other or running out of topics to talk about. Oh well, I'm not going to let my mind wander into the future and the unknown because then it will create unnecessary stress. 

I don't need unnecessary stress at the moment because I already have a lot of other issues to stress about. What I need now is just enjoy Chris because I don't know when we will be bored with each other? So enjoy while he still plays a role in my life. Hehe.

Ok that's all for this post. Until the next one!

Attention

Waking up to read so many of Chris messages just made my day and put a big smile on my face. Still smiling while typing away now 😀! We just enjoy teasing and flirting with each other. And he is very good at cracking jokes. Last night, after my post, I received his messages and some of the things he wrote just made me laughed so hard. 

What I realised is all men are big kids at heart and they want attention as much as us women. Just that they don't say it out loud or ask for it, unlike us women. We women are more vocal in what we want from men, but not the other way around. So as a woman I need to read cues and know when to give attention to my lover. And also when he needs his space so that I can give it to him and let him come back to me when he is in the right headspace. 

Thanks to my last experienced, I became a better version of myself now and I know when to take and when to give. Men is just like a kite. If you pull the string of the kite too hard, it might snap and fly away. But if you learn the right way to pull and release at the right time, the kite will soar higher into the sky and you can also pull it back when you want. Think about it. The more you give men space, the more they will appreciate you and not run away as they don't feel they are losing their freedom and space. It took me a painful 2 years with a class A jerk to understand that by giving a man what he wants I get more bacon return without my asking. The less I want to know what Chris is doing during his free time, the more he is willing to share with me without my asking. Both of us have our own life and since we are so far apart, it is pointless and useless for me to keep asking him and getting too involve with his life. I trust him to know what he is doing. We are both experienced and mature adults, hence we should be responsible for our own actions. 

I'm so much happier when I give up the need to know and just enjoy him and our time chatting and talking. Last night, I asked him to send an audio to me as I wanted to hear his voice before I slept and he did. Chris has a deep, soothing, manly voice that I find really sexy and hot. It is a huge turn on for me 😛😈! When I want attention I will ask him. But most of the time he gives me a lot and vice versa. 

Give the right attention and space to a man and you will find more enjoyment and less pressure in your relationship/lovership. I learned the hard way, but I learned and I'm happy now 😂😂!

My favourite guy

Captain Cool, my favourite guy at the moment 😂. He always managed to crack me up with his silliness and wise ass remarks! Oh oh, I love to hear his deep manly voice. Is such a turn on for me 😍! With him, I can be very blunt and upfront and I know he doesn't feel offended. Most of the times we forgot what we told each other hence never any hard feelings. And if I feel any negativity building up inside me, I will tell him and stay away until the negativity is gone. I don't want to take it out on him because I don't think it is fair. It is my negative emotions hence I need to take care of it myself without involving anyone. I have learned a lot in the past 3 months on how to truly live an open life and communicate my feelings and thoughts openly without holding back. Is still work in progress, but I see tremendous improvements in my relationship with people, from strangers to business partners to friends and family. I realised that there are people out there who are like me and appreciate my honesty and bluntness rather than told me not to be too blunt or take offend easily. I can use any words I like and want without having to worry about that person feel offended. 

It is truly liberating to be able to be blunt and honest with people. I'm not everyone cup of tea and is fine. I don't want to be everyone cup of tea. Haha. Chris has shown me what I truly want from a lover, be it full time or part-time. He brought out the creative side of me and he enjoys my mental energy as much as I enjoy his. With Chris, I have learned to chill and not be bothered by the unknown. I used to ask a lot of personal questions, but now I let it be. The less I ask, the more info he volunteered and sometimes I really don't want to know at all. I don't want to get too addicted to him when he is just a part-time lover and not a full-time lover. I don't want to absorb anyone negative energy and drama anymore therefore the less I know the better I feel 😀!

At this juncture, Chris is definitely my favourite part-time lover. When will I feel bored with him, I don't know yet. When will he feel bored with me, I don't know too. Haha. But I have a feeling he won't feel bored with me for awhile 😂😝! I'm able to step back and give him his space anytime he wants it. I don't hold on to what we have. Instead I just go with the flow and see where it takes me.

I told him this afternoon to take his headspace anytime he wants and comes back to me when he is in the right frame of mind as me. I don't enjoy chatting with him when we aren't on the same wavelength. Yes, I do miss our daily chats when I don't hear from him, but is ok. Sometimes too much of something will make me sick too. So occasionally I need to reduce the doses of him in order for me and him to last longer. 

If Chris misses me, he will reach out. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. Life still goes on. My life doesn't revolve around him or waiting for him to call or text me. I enjoy his presence, but I'm also ok without it. After my last experienced, I find that going with the flow is just the way to go. People come, people go. Why get so hung up on 1 particular person when there are 7 billion people in the universe 😉! 

"Don't"

A regularly use word in daily life, but yet I have a serious aversion to this word especially if it is uttered by someone I like such as Chris. We were having our regular chats and I asked him if he has different compartments in his minds for different things in his life as I know most men do. It was just a curious question from my end because I enjoy studying people.

And to be fair his replied was normal, but he used the word "Don't"!!! His exact phrase was, "Don't study me or you end up with headache and horny". It was kinda funny the last part of the sentence, but I didn't feel funny at all. I felt slightly pissed off and went into a defensive mode. The reason I felt pissed off was because it reminded me of Peter Wittendorp. He liked to use the word "Don't" a lot...."can you please don't do this or that" or "why don't you do this or that".....I felt deja vu all over again as if like I needed permission to do or say anything I like and want in my life. I hate being told what I can or can't do. I know Chris didn't mean it like that, but because of my past experienced the word just irked me to the max! 

So I replied him....I didn't waste time studying him as people change and they don't show their true self anyway. He didn't reply back after that. Later in the evening, I dropped him a message to tell him that I will stay away from him for a few days as I felt some negativity building up and I don't want to take it out on him unintentionally. 

He replied and said he understand and is normal because we are all human. He is like that too. And he thanked me for telling him. I didn't explain to him why I wanted to stay away. I thought about telling him, but then I decided not to because I don't feel like explaining myself about my past with Peter. Even if I did explained he might not have understand why I have aversion to a word. 

Is something I need to work on it myself. No one can help me to overcome this aversion. I just didn't expect that a simple word will bring back negative memories of Peter. Sigh......

Anyway, let's hope I get rid of the aversion for the word "Don't" asap. Wish me luck!

Moral Police

Majority of the world population like to act as though that they are tasked to be a moral police for someone else behaviour and actions. A lot of people feel that it is their right to judge and condemn people who don't conform to society norm or don't behave like them. Who are we to judge another human being?? We are all flaws and imperfect. We do our best to live the life we feel and think is right for us. But what is right for us might not be right for other people. And is ok because we are not put on this earth to live a life for someone's else!

We are borne into this world to live a life of our own, create our own story and carve our own journey. And as we move along in life, we collect scars because of the battles we have to fight to live the life we want. Is already a challenge to live our own life, so I really don't understand why do people like to take on more unappreciated role such as becoming a moral police for someone else life? 

Beside, before we judge other people, please make sure that we are ok to be judged back in return. If we are not ok, then we need to think twice before we open our mouth to comment on someone else actions and behaviours. Don't be a moral police if you are not ready to accept being policed back in return. 

Anyway, the best way to have a happy life is to let people live their life at their own terms and conditions and we live ours at our own terms and conditions. We are not borne into this world to waste our time to become moral police of other people actions and behaviours.

So live and stop worrying 😃!

Chris is Drawn to Me

My favourite Captain told me last night he is drawn to me mentally and sexually. Deja Vu feeling for me because I heard the exact same statement 1.5 years ago from the person who  hurt me the most, Peter. Why oh why are men always drawn to me mentally and sexually??

But at least with Chris I know what he wants and what I'm getting into. Chris said to me he believes in our connection and energy and I do agree with him. I know I don't make sense and I really don't know how to explain, but there are a lot of similarities between us.  His fav food - Japanese (can eat daily sashimi) and Thai (especially street Phad Tai). For me also the same cuisine, but not as specific as him. 

It is exactly 1 month since we started communicating and so far it is growing stronger each day. I told him I won't ask him any prying questions so if he wants to offer me any details about himself I will be happy to know. I told him it doesn't matter how much I know about him, what matter is I trust him. I need to learn to trust again because if I don't I will overthink and pick every things he had said to me apart and analysing every words!! I won't do this to myself hence I choose to trust him until I'm proven wrong to trust him. At this moment, he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. I don't think he will be a mean person and I have a feeling I will be safe when I'm with him.

I feel like he is my mirror and he is reflecting my inner desires and wants. I keep reminding myself not to get too carry away with him, but somehow the pull between us is strong. With Chris, I'm living and enjoying the moment. I don't think about the future and what if! I can say for sure that I'm going with the flow and see where it leads me too. I have a feeling he will teach me something new about myself and elevate me to the next level 😝😝! He is my twin 😈😈! Haha.

Anyway, it makes me feel good to know that he is drawn to me. He adds to my happiness quotient on almost daily basis. So no complaint about him yet! 😂

Ok, I have to end this post now as I have to spend sometime chatting with him. My night is always busy! Haha