I am stress......

and I don't want to admit it but I have to. Mainly is because I'm worry about my finances. Arrggghhhhh, the mother of all my major migraines!! My stupid property in Ipoh is draining my bank account. Sucking my money. Is like throwing it in a black hole and never able to get any returns for it!! I wouldn't be stressed if it isn't for this particular property. I'm at my wit's end with this shitty property. All I want is to get rid of it so that it won't drain my bank account anymore. I'm going to lose at least RM600k for selling this property at way below my purchasing price. Sigh!!! Is painful and the biggest loses I will be incurring to date! Never ever invest in a market that I'm not familiar at all.

Anyway, I can't turn back the clock so not going to beat myself up for investing in the wrong property as I never know it will be this bad. Now my focus is just cutting the losses by disposing of it soonest possible!! Once I get rid of this blood sucking property, my finances will be at least back to a manageable level. I'm stuck left and right at this moment. I'm not poor, but just cashless. Haha!

So to unwind, I'm drinking wine at 3.30pm local time! My mind can't think anymore. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind at this moment. Hehe.

I'm also stress because of work. Is always a challenge when I start on a new path and direction in business. Sometimes I have doubts too if what I'm doing will yield me results. I can only share with a handful of people because not many understand my ideas and plans. Is always hard trying to carve a niche market. It can succeed and it can fail too, but I have to give it a try. I have to keep believing and thinking that eventually I will succeed. There is no turning back. Just keep pushing forward. Presently I can't predict the results yet and couple with the stress over finances, I'm going almost bonkers. Arrgghhhh.......

Oh well.....after a glass of wine and some junk food, I'm feeling better and doing my best not to over stress myself. Life has a funny way of straightening out things if I allow it to flow naturally. Everything has it owns course to run. Sometime I can't just rush it even if I want to. Believe and think positive are the only ways to minimise and manage my stress.

Anyway, hope you guys have a good day 😁!

Compliments from Chris

Captain Cool @ Chris told me he finds me sexy and attractive in more than 1 way......out of the blue on a Thursday afternoon when I didn't expect a text from him. It definitely made my day. I asked him what about me he finds sexy and attractive. He said the fact that I'm self made in the business world and I embrace and celebrate my sexuality 😁😍! Is nice to know that he isn't only attracted to me physically and sexually but also mentally. He was the 1st one to tell me that me being successful is sexy. Haha. Never crossed my mind that being successful can also be deemed sexy! Anyway is always nice to receive unsolicited compliments. But I don't take it seriously. I mean I just treated it as a compliment and nothing more.

Chris also told me that he feels comfortable with me which he had told me many times. I felt the same too. Again not reading anything more into what he said to me. Frankly, I don't trust men anymore except my male friends that I have known for a super long time and they have consistently shown me that their actions matched their words. Otherwise, whatever come out of a man's mouth is just a bunch of sweet talking bullshit! Once burnt, twice shy! (my unforgettable experienced with Peter Wittendorp)

Even though Chris hasn't done anything for me not to trust him, but doesn't mean I should trust his words blindly. Words are meaningless without actions to back it up. If it is meaningless why should I take it so seriously. Right?

Anyway, I think Chris is an ok guy to have as a friend.

Unblocked and Random Thoughts about Peter Wittendorp

 have unblocked Peter Wittendorp from my phone because to keep unblocking him means I still haven't move on yet. There is no need to block him as I'm 1000% certain that he will never ever call me even the day he dies and our path will not cross again. When I blocked him, I will still see his number and I don't want that. I deleted his number, hence I won't see it on my phone book anymore. But unfortunately his number is still seared in my memory. I forgot a lot of things, but forgetting his number isn't one of the item. Sigh....I guess I have to take longer to forget his number. 

Anyway, I had subjected myself to some tests last 2 weeks when his name started to pop into my mind again and I'm happy to declare that I feel calm and peaceful. I don't feel the desire to lash out or curse him anymore. I did that a lot in the past year when I wrote posts about him on this blog. To be honest, I forgot about 800% of the contents of my posts I wrote about him and  recently I did read back a particular post simply because that particular post "Memories with Peter Wittendorp" had been widely read in the past 1.5 weeks by visitors to my blog. I was curious why it was so popular and when I read back the post it was about our happy days in Hong Kong in end of March 2015. We stayed in the Pottinger Hotel in Central and a walking distance to his HK office. It was the side of him I loved the most - the big kid side. 

I didn't feel sad reading the post or regret that I actually flew to HK to meet him on his request. It was part of the entire memories he gave me (the good, the bad and the ugly). I didn't forget the bad feelings and vibes he gave me, but I'm emotionally stronger now so I'm able to control and keep the negative thoughts at bay. My heart and mind are finally in sync and I'm happy that I'm no longer rule by my heart, but rather by my mind. I'm feeling nonchalant when his name popped into my mind. Or maybe his name has never left my mind even when I have Chris and others to occupy my thoughts and time. 

I know 1 day his name will no longer lives in my mind, but for now I have to accept the fact that it still does. Is ok. I just need more time to rid him from my mind. I'm not him so I don't have the ability to just block and erase someone from my life and treat that person as non existence in my life before. I'm sure that is what he is doing to remove me from his mind. He has always been good at blocking and deleting. 

Anyway, what he chooses to do is none of my business. I have chosen a path of no u-turn when I decided to write about him on my blogs. I knew it would end our connection and we will never ever be in each other life again. I don't regret what I did because it was the only option I could think of at that time to stop myself from spiralling further into despair, heart brokenness, hopelessness and longing. I wasn't emotionally and mentally as strong as I'm now. If I was, perhaps I might not made such a drastic, irreversible and damaging decision. Who knows? 

We always joked that no matter how hard we tried, we wouldn't be able to kill our connection, but haha.....we managed to do it when we both contributed our own poison pills. Anyway......he was a lesson I needed whether I wanted it or not. I have learned so much more about myself  - the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me. So looking on a positive side, it wasn't a total lost for me. Haha.

Ok....ending this post now. It was supposed to be a short post, but again another long post and I side tracked too. As usual and typical me. Haha! Happy Sunday everyone!

p.s. His birthday is on the 12 of this month. Turning 51. 

My Happy Smile

If someone would to ask me what I love the most about myself, I will answer MY HAPPY SMILE 🤓😁! I look so radiant, cheerful and alluring. When I laugh, it is genuine and my face will just lit up. Haha! I know I might come across vain to people, but I do believe I look gorgeous when I smile 😝! To be honest, when my mood was gloomy I would looked at my photos and when I saw my own happy smiling face smiling back at me, I would feel happy again. My photos remind me of who I'm, the life I have and how bless I'm. But most important of all, it reminded me that I look and feel the best when I'm smiling happily! And I do love to smile and laugh as often and as much as possible because smiling and laughing do chase away my moodiness!!

I chose this particular pic because I look cute with the fake glasses. I look nerdy and happy 🤣🤣! I feel being drawn to this photo for some reason. Lol! When I forgot how to smile (it happened sometimes), the above pic would remind me how to smile and why I should smile because I look pretty and glowing. Haha.

Below is another smiling pic, but my favourite is still the one above. Hehe! Anyway, sending a big happy smile to all my readers! Cheers 😁!

Am I Happy??

A question I have been asking myself a fair bit lately? To be honest, I don't have a firm and clear answer for myself. Haha. I'm not sad or unhappy, that I'm certain. Although I laugh less now, but I'm still carefree and I still had a great time when I went out with my brother or friends. I still smile every morning when I look at myself in the mirror. Haha. That's how I always start my day irregardless of the time I woke up - giving myself a big smile to start my day 😁!

I'm feeling a tad restless because I haven't figure out how to achieve my financial goal yet. It is a tall order and some days I have doubt if I'm able to pull it off. Then I will remind myself that if I want it badly enough and believe in myself, I will achieve it. I just need to be patient, stay true to the path and I will get there. Just a matter of timing. But because I'm ambitious, I want to see immediate result! Haha! So now I'm learning to take it easy and trust that things will fall into place at the right timing. I know I can do it when I put my mind to it!

So am I happy with my life? I can't say I'm not happy, I just feel that I can improve it further. I'm still learning, adapting an accepting the changes I'm experiencing in me. Some days I feel frustrated as my mind won't allow me to dwell into my emotions as I don't know when I became so good at blocking my own thoughts! Haha! Instead of over-thinking, I just allow myself to go with the flow and handle challenges/obstacles as objectively and calmly as possible. I have also learned that I don't need to have the last word for every argument and I don't need to react to every situation. Basically I have learned how to control my reactions to people actions! Which makes my life more peaceful and I feel less agitated or annoyed. Haha. So I guess this indirectly makes me a bit more happy as I don't need to deal with unnecessary dramas!

As I write this post, I might have found the answer to my own question! I'm as happy as I can be and there are room to increase my happiness quotient. I have to accept the fact that I still need time to heal and get over my broken heart. And I definitely need to find more adrenaline rush activities to do/accomplish so that I will continue living my life as colourful and robust as possible. I need to stabilise my financial so that I will have more $$$ to pursue my adventures 😁! I think 1 of the main reason I'm not as happy as I should is because I still need to get out of a few financial shit hole that I put myself in. Once I resolve those financial issues, I will be more free to pursue my personal adventures. The freedom to pursue my adventures will definitely put a big 🤣 on my face and makes me happier. I have learned that I can't rely on people to make me happy, but I have to make myself happy. Relying on people to make me happy is as good as giving them a free pass to control my life and be at their mercy! My own happiness is solely my own responsibility!

Anyway, in conclusion I'm as happy as I can be at this present moment. I hope to increase and improve my happy quotient as I go along. I hope that 1 day I can feel my heart give me a big 🤣 and when I feel that I know I have truly achieve happiness from within! I know my  heart will smile for me 1 day soon 😂!

I wish everyone of you find your own happiness! Cheers!

I have changed

I have changed. The minute I sense negative vibes heading toward my direction, I will run the other way and stay away from the people who are oozing the negative vibes until it have passed. In the past, I would always be around to cheer up those people and absorbed some of their negative vibes, but not anymore. I do make an exception for a few close friends and family, but usually I will only put up with it for 2-3x max and after that I will just stay away from them until they have sorted out their own issues. I prefer to surround myself with people who are filled with positive vibes, a fighter, a doer and a goal getter!! I want to surround myself with people who don't curb my craziness or tell me that it is impossible to achieve my dreams and goals, but instead challenge me to set bigger goals and dreams than I dare to set! 

Nowadays, I will just listen and give my views 1-2x max and if the people still come back to me to whine and complain about the same topics/issues, I will tell just shut off and tell them to do what they feel is best for them. I don't allow myself to get suck into their dramas and problems anymore. In the past, I always felt that I should lent a helping hand or ears to people who need it and to cheer them up when they were unhappy and down, but not anymore!! I don't want to spend and invest my time and energy listening to whiners and complainers! I admit I have become more selfish!! 

I have also stop using the word "sorry" unless I really have to use it to apologise to someone. Previously I used it very loosely and always apologised even though I didn't do anything wrong. I apologised for voicing and sharing my feelings/thoughts/views when I shouldn't. But not anymore. The word "sorry" is uttered when it is absolutely necessary only!! Which isn't often. I will also not allow people to guilt trip me into apologising when I'm not wrong. In the past, I did that frequently because I was afraid of losing a particular person as I wanted him to in my life. And most of the time I didn't had to say "sorry", but I did just to appease him so that he wouldn't walk out of my life! Looking back now, I shouldn't had did what I did. It was a lesson and I became a changed person because of this particular person (Peter Wittendorp).

I called people out on their bullshit when I hear it especially when I'm the recipient of their crappy behaviour, actions and bullshit excuses/reasons/stories! My tolerant for bullshit is almost zero now. I prefer people who will give me their answers straight up without sugar coating so that I don't need to waste time guessing their meaning and intention. Gone are the days when I feel the need to take care and into consideration of their feeling. I'm only responsible for my own feelings and emotions. I'm not obligated and responsible to take care of other people feelings and emotions. And I will not be held accountable for other people decisions and actions. We are adults. We know what we are doing, how we are feeling, what we are thinking, who we are dealing with and why we allow it?? Hence we shouldn't blame other people for our decisions and actions irregardless how bad is the final outcome/result! I will not tolerate and allow anyone to shift the blame to me if the person has given me his/her consent or knowingly and actively  participate in a situation/relationship/lovership! 

I am sharing less about myself, especially my childhood as it was the past and I don't want to bring it up again as I keep moving forward in my life. Beside I don't want to explain to people why I disown my crazy mum repetitively. No I'm not ashamed of my childhood and upbringing, I just feel that it doesn't serves any purpose to share my childhood story with people as I'm not trying to gain sympathy from anyone. I just don't want to relive my childhood again and again. That's all. 

Last but not least, I find it easier to cut people out of my life nowadays. If people want to walkout of my life, the door is opened. I only request them to inform me of their decision and not ghost on me. I will not try to make anyone stay if they want to leave because if they want to stay they would have not leave in the 1st place. I will miss them (depending on who they are to me and how much I cherish and value them in my life), but I won't hold on them. People come and go in our life. Not all will make it until the end of my life journey. The earlier I accept this fact, the better it is for me. I used to think that if someone walkout of my life it means I wasn't lovable and worthy of having them in my life. But after last year experienced and my recent new found self, I realised and understand that my worthiness and lovability aren't tie to anyone, but myself! I need to learn to love myself wholeheartedly and see the value in myself even if other people fail to do so. My self worth and self love come from my self and no one else!! And no one can take those 2 things away from me if I hold firm to it! I have changed and still changing and is all for my own sake!! I just need to accept myself without a doubt and my life will be even more carefree than it is already! Haha!

We only have 1 life to live! So we should live it to the fullest without regrets!

Chris Friendship

Haven't been writing for almost 3 weeks now. Life is alright, nothing exciting happens yet. Chris is still around and we are still chatting, but I don't feel the sparks that I had when we first started chatting. There were times when I felt disconnected from him or didn't find him appealing at all. When that happened, I took a break and didn't reply his messages or took longer to reply. And to be honest I felt kinda good not chatting with him daily. Haha. I was actually feeling bored with him and I wanted to take a breather. I took the time off to sort out my feelings for him and I came to the conclusion that I only like him as a friend. Which is a good thing. I like and enjoy his friendship. Is carefree and relaxing. I don't feel cheese off if he doesn't reply my texts or call me. Beside, I don't feel the initial sparks for him anymore. Deep down in my heart I know clearly he will only be a friend (with benefits occasionally 😈🙈).

So all is good with Chris. Chatting with him is still fun (when I'm not feeling bored with him 😝) and interesting. And I'm definitely keeping my options open for now. I will hangout with men that intrigue and interest me so that I will know better what I want in a man and the type of relationship I want. At present, I'm not ready for anything serious. I just want to enjoy a carefree single life with zero dramas and no crazy and baseless accusations thrown at me. 

Hence thats's why I prefer to have Chris as a friend rather than a lover. No emotional attachment (I don't get attach to my friends), no expectations and no disappointments for sure. He told me he likes our connection and so do I 😄! I asked him what he likes about me? Is it my silliness? Haha. He told me he likes my spirit....my don't -give-a-fuck is a very attractive character 😛! Again, is my free spirited nature that he finds attractive. Is nice to know that I'm consistently being myself and living the life I want and desire at my own terms and conditions. Not giving a fuck is sexy and attractive! LOL!

Anyway, I will just enjoy my friendship with Chris.

Chris & I - Connection

Chris nailed how I feel about him and our connection..."The best bit is we are both comfortable with each other. It's like we've been intimate for a long time but everything is new and fresh. The best of both worlds". And I couldn't agree more with him.

Our meeting and connection were unexpected and it seemed like it just dropped from the sky! Haha. In the beginning I felt the need to find out everything about him and I was slightly unhappy when he didn't tell me what I wanted to know, but now I don't feel the need to know everything now. I feel that 1 day he will open up and share with me more about himself willingly. And beside, knowing him better won't change how I feel about him. I definitely think we can be good friends and even long-term part-time lover, but we won't be long term partners. I have a feeling I will be bored with him eventually. We are lacking the sparks ✨⚡️! 

But as a part-time lover, he is a good candidate. And I feel very comfortable around him, as if like I have known him for a very long time. Long lost friends and souls! Hahahaha! Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on our connection too much. Instead I will just enjoy it to the fullest and goes with the flow. Nowadays, I don't feel disappointed if I don't hear from him. I used to, especially in the beginning but not in the past 2 weeks. Maybe also because I have gotten use to his patterns. He doesn't disappear more than 1 week and he usually surface after 2-4 days and touch base again. He will check in intermittently and he always apologised for the radio silent. I'm cool with it. A healthy lovership doesn't needs daily chats. Space is good and beside he is just a part-time lover. I don't need him to check in daily.

As long as he doesn't ghost from this lovership without notice, I'm cool with our current communication style and part-time lovership. Beside I rather invest my time and energy into my business and career than on a part-time lover. I won't be a fool again. 2017 is a year of making a difference and living a life that is filled with interesting stories for me to write about 😂!  A happy and exciting life fill with adventures and new challenges. Hehe!

Loving Myself

Everyday I'm falling more and more in love with myself 😄! I love the face that is staring back at me when I look at the mirror. I can see the glow on my face that is being reflected back and I can see a smiling happy me 😁! My eyes are bright and alert, not tired and dull. I also love my body. Definitely not perfect, but I won't change a single thing. My body and my face are uniquely mine and if those don't know how to appreciate it, that's their problem. Not mine. I'm not going to change a single thing about me to please anyone or to fit into someone's image/ideal.

As I learn to love myself more, I also learn to walk away from people who don't love me for me! I'm embracing and celebrating my 40s'. Although I'm turning 42 years old August this year, I feel that my I'm still a big kid and definitely a free spirited woman! Haha.

I don't know what hit me, but as I stepped into 2017 I feel liberated and I'm determine to live my life differently from 2016. I still don't know how I'm going to achieve my financial goal, which is the biggest challenge I have set for myself to date, but I have a feeling I will be able to make my dream comes true. I have faith and confident in myself 😁😁!

I honestly don't need any validation from anyone anymore. As I grow to love myself more, I begin to truly see the beauty of myself thru my own eyes. I truly and fully understand now the meaning of loving ourselves because when we love ourselves wholeheartedly, we don't need any validation from anyone and we will feel even more secure and confident in who we are. I always know who I'm and confident with myself, but once a while I still like to get some assurance and validation. And like everyone else, I do feel insecure once a blue moon especially in a relationship or with men as I feel the need to hear them heaping compliments on me, but now I don't need it anymore. I'm still happy to receive compliments (who doesn't. haha), but I won't be hoping for it to make me feel accomplish and desirable.

I'm desirable in my own unique ways. As I have always said, I'm not everyone glass of wine 😛 or whisky! I have accomplished a lot by the aged of 35 and all through my own hard work hence I'm darn proud of myself. I had a lousy childhood, but it didn't bring me down. Whatever I have today, I work hard to earn it!

I love to be love by a man who truly loves all of me, but I need to learn how to love myself wholeheartedly and falling in love with myself on a daily basis. Trust me, when you love yourself it will shows on your face and you will be glowing and happy most of the time. At least I am 😁😁!

Anyway, I wish all you learn how to love and fall in love with yourself if you haven't yet. I promise you will not only see the transformation in your physical look, but you will also feel it from within. You will feel like you are on top of the world. Haha.

I love everything about myself and I'm falling in love with myself daily. I believe 1 fine day I will meet a guy who will love me wholeheartedly 😁!

Being Honest

I woke up this morning feeling a different kind of energy. I'm more determine than ever to live my life differently than 2016. I had been harbouring some disappointment for 1 of my best friend, Naomi, as she has been focusing too much on her relationship until the extend that when we went out she was anti-social and glued herself to her boyfriend like a koala bear hugging a tree. Her boyfriend is younger than her and he is slightly on the fleshy side, but nice guy. Her boyfriend is actually my friend and they met thru me. I'm happy for her that she met someone who loves her a lot, but I'm not too happy when she had to rush  off to be with him when she was spending time with me, especially when he was going to join us later for dinner 🙄! Beside that, she also broke her promised to go holiday with me, which I'm cool if she told me ahead of time instead of waited for me to ask her if our holiday was confirmed or not. I dislike her actions and behaviours, but I let it slide past me as I know how much she wants to have a boyfriend in her life. Before she started dating, she would reached out at least once a week to say hi and see how things were on my end and I did the same too. But after she started dating and became self-absorbed in her relationship, she stopped reaching out and I did the same too. I'm tired of being the one who always reach out. A healthy friendship is 2 ways traffic where both people contribute the same amount of effort, time and energy. 

I'm not the only one who noticed the changes in Naomi. A few of our mutual friends (again she met them thru me) who had been hanging out with her and her bf (he worked for 1 of my good friend's company) also commented that when they went out dinner and drinking, Naomi would become jealous if the bf talked to other women (for biz purpose) and requested to leave early. They asked me why she became so uncool? I told them I don't know to be honest. I really wanted to let her be, but I know that if I don't tell her how I feel I will start to distance away from her and in the end we won't be best friend anymore. I know I'm taking a risk by being honest and open with her as she might be pissed off and upset with me, but is a chance an risk I'm willing to take. At least I'm being honest with my best friend and how she choose to deal with what I told her is strictly her decision. I have no say in it. But as she is my best friend, I choose not to hide my thinking and feeling from her, but rather be upfront and honest.

Today I sent a few WhatsApp messages to people I care and cherish, to thank them for being in my life and tolerating my flaws and faults. I appreciate their presence in my life and I know I can always count on these group of friends when I need their help and support without questions ask. I feel really good to be able to pour out my thoughts and feelings to people without worrying about repercussion. And I sincerely value their friendship. These are people I can trust without a doubt! I don't need a large group of friends, I just need to be surrounded by the right kind of friends and my life will be richer 😀! 

I still have a few more people to thank and voice my appreciation and I will do that in the next few days. I will update once I hear from Naomi. I hope I don't lose her as a friend, but I'm prepared. So wish me luck! Haha.  Ciao for now!