Attention

Waking up to read so many of Chris messages just made my day and put a big smile on my face. Still smiling while typing away now 😀! We just enjoy teasing and flirting with each other. And he is very good at cracking jokes. Last night, after my post, I received his messages and some of the things he wrote just made me laughed so hard. 

What I realised is all men are big kids at heart and they want attention as much as us women. Just that they don't say it out loud or ask for it, unlike us women. We women are more vocal in what we want from men, but not the other way around. So as a woman I need to read cues and know when to give attention to my lover. And also when he needs his space so that I can give it to him and let him come back to me when he is in the right headspace. 

Thanks to my last experienced, I became a better version of myself now and I know when to take and when to give. Men is just like a kite. If you pull the string of the kite too hard, it might snap and fly away. But if you learn the right way to pull and release at the right time, the kite will soar higher into the sky and you can also pull it back when you want. Think about it. The more you give men space, the more they will appreciate you and not run away as they don't feel they are losing their freedom and space. It took me a painful 2 years with a class A jerk to understand that by giving a man what he wants I get more bacon return without my asking. The less I want to know what Chris is doing during his free time, the more he is willing to share with me without my asking. Both of us have our own life and since we are so far apart, it is pointless and useless for me to keep asking him and getting too involve with his life. I trust him to know what he is doing. We are both experienced and mature adults, hence we should be responsible for our own actions. 

I'm so much happier when I give up the need to know and just enjoy him and our time chatting and talking. Last night, I asked him to send an audio to me as I wanted to hear his voice before I slept and he did. Chris has a deep, soothing, manly voice that I find really sexy and hot. It is a huge turn on for me 😛😈! When I want attention I will ask him. But most of the time he gives me a lot and vice versa. 

Give the right attention and space to a man and you will find more enjoyment and less pressure in your relationship/lovership. I learned the hard way, but I learned and I'm happy now 😂😂!

My favourite guy

Captain Cool, my favourite guy at the moment 😂. He always managed to crack me up with his silliness and wise ass remarks! Oh oh, I love to hear his deep manly voice. Is such a turn on for me 😍! With him, I can be very blunt and upfront and I know he doesn't feel offended. Most of the times we forgot what we told each other hence never any hard feelings. And if I feel any negativity building up inside me, I will tell him and stay away until the negativity is gone. I don't want to take it out on him because I don't think it is fair. It is my negative emotions hence I need to take care of it myself without involving anyone. I have learned a lot in the past 3 months on how to truly live an open life and communicate my feelings and thoughts openly without holding back. Is still work in progress, but I see tremendous improvements in my relationship with people, from strangers to business partners to friends and family. I realised that there are people out there who are like me and appreciate my honesty and bluntness rather than told me not to be too blunt or take offend easily. I can use any words I like and want without having to worry about that person feel offended. 

It is truly liberating to be able to be blunt and honest with people. I'm not everyone cup of tea and is fine. I don't want to be everyone cup of tea. Haha. Chris has shown me what I truly want from a lover, be it full time or part-time. He brought out the creative side of me and he enjoys my mental energy as much as I enjoy his. With Chris, I have learned to chill and not be bothered by the unknown. I used to ask a lot of personal questions, but now I let it be. The less I ask, the more info he volunteered and sometimes I really don't want to know at all. I don't want to get too addicted to him when he is just a part-time lover and not a full-time lover. I don't want to absorb anyone negative energy and drama anymore therefore the less I know the better I feel 😀!

At this juncture, Chris is definitely my favourite part-time lover. When will I feel bored with him, I don't know yet. When will he feel bored with me, I don't know too. Haha. But I have a feeling he won't feel bored with me for awhile 😂😝! I'm able to step back and give him his space anytime he wants it. I don't hold on to what we have. Instead I just go with the flow and see where it takes me.

I told him this afternoon to take his headspace anytime he wants and comes back to me when he is in the right frame of mind as me. I don't enjoy chatting with him when we aren't on the same wavelength. Yes, I do miss our daily chats when I don't hear from him, but is ok. Sometimes too much of something will make me sick too. So occasionally I need to reduce the doses of him in order for me and him to last longer. 

If Chris misses me, he will reach out. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. Life still goes on. My life doesn't revolve around him or waiting for him to call or text me. I enjoy his presence, but I'm also ok without it. After my last experienced, I find that going with the flow is just the way to go. People come, people go. Why get so hung up on 1 particular person when there are 7 billion people in the universe 😉! 

"Don't"

A regularly use word in daily life, but yet I have a serious aversion to this word especially if it is uttered by someone I like such as Chris. We were having our regular chats and I asked him if he has different compartments in his minds for different things in his life as I know most men do. It was just a curious question from my end because I enjoy studying people.

And to be fair his replied was normal, but he used the word "Don't"!!! His exact phrase was, "Don't study me or you end up with headache and horny". It was kinda funny the last part of the sentence, but I didn't feel funny at all. I felt slightly pissed off and went into a defensive mode. The reason I felt pissed off was because it reminded me of Peter Wittendorp. He liked to use the word "Don't" a lot...."can you please don't do this or that" or "why don't you do this or that".....I felt deja vu all over again as if like I needed permission to do or say anything I like and want in my life. I hate being told what I can or can't do. I know Chris didn't mean it like that, but because of my past experienced the word just irked me to the max! 

So I replied him....I didn't waste time studying him as people change and they don't show their true self anyway. He didn't reply back after that. Later in the evening, I dropped him a message to tell him that I will stay away from him for a few days as I felt some negativity building up and I don't want to take it out on him unintentionally. 

He replied and said he understand and is normal because we are all human. He is like that too. And he thanked me for telling him. I didn't explain to him why I wanted to stay away. I thought about telling him, but then I decided not to because I don't feel like explaining myself about my past with Peter. Even if I did explained he might not have understand why I have aversion to a word. 

Is something I need to work on it myself. No one can help me to overcome this aversion. I just didn't expect that a simple word will bring back negative memories of Peter. Sigh......

Anyway, let's hope I get rid of the aversion for the word "Don't" asap. Wish me luck!

Moral Police

Majority of the world population like to act as though that they are tasked to be a moral police for someone else behaviour and actions. A lot of people feel that it is their right to judge and condemn people who don't conform to society norm or don't behave like them. Who are we to judge another human being?? We are all flaws and imperfect. We do our best to live the life we feel and think is right for us. But what is right for us might not be right for other people. And is ok because we are not put on this earth to live a life for someone's else!

We are borne into this world to live a life of our own, create our own story and carve our own journey. And as we move along in life, we collect scars because of the battles we have to fight to live the life we want. Is already a challenge to live our own life, so I really don't understand why do people like to take on more unappreciated role such as becoming a moral police for someone else life? 

Beside, before we judge other people, please make sure that we are ok to be judged back in return. If we are not ok, then we need to think twice before we open our mouth to comment on someone else actions and behaviours. Don't be a moral police if you are not ready to accept being policed back in return. 

Anyway, the best way to have a happy life is to let people live their life at their own terms and conditions and we live ours at our own terms and conditions. We are not borne into this world to waste our time to become moral police of other people actions and behaviours.

So live and stop worrying 😃!

Chris is Drawn to Me

My favourite Captain told me last night he is drawn to me mentally and sexually. Deja Vu feeling for me because I heard the exact same statement 1.5 years ago from the person who  hurt me the most, Peter. Why oh why are men always drawn to me mentally and sexually??

But at least with Chris I know what he wants and what I'm getting into. Chris said to me he believes in our connection and energy and I do agree with him. I know I don't make sense and I really don't know how to explain, but there are a lot of similarities between us.  His fav food - Japanese (can eat daily sashimi) and Thai (especially street Phad Tai). For me also the same cuisine, but not as specific as him. 

It is exactly 1 month since we started communicating and so far it is growing stronger each day. I told him I won't ask him any prying questions so if he wants to offer me any details about himself I will be happy to know. I told him it doesn't matter how much I know about him, what matter is I trust him. I need to learn to trust again because if I don't I will overthink and pick every things he had said to me apart and analysing every words!! I won't do this to myself hence I choose to trust him until I'm proven wrong to trust him. At this moment, he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. I don't think he will be a mean person and I have a feeling I will be safe when I'm with him.

I feel like he is my mirror and he is reflecting my inner desires and wants. I keep reminding myself not to get too carry away with him, but somehow the pull between us is strong. With Chris, I'm living and enjoying the moment. I don't think about the future and what if! I can say for sure that I'm going with the flow and see where it leads me too. I have a feeling he will teach me something new about myself and elevate me to the next level 😝😝! He is my twin 😈😈! Haha.

Anyway, it makes me feel good to know that he is drawn to me. He adds to my happiness quotient on almost daily basis. So no complaint about him yet! 😂

Ok, I have to end this post now as I have to spend sometime chatting with him. My night is always busy! Haha

Never Say Never

Everyone who knows me know that Asian men never appeal to me and I will never ever consider dating them, let alone Malaysian men. So when I told Nora that I actually kinda like Chris and he is a Malaysian, she was surprised!! (So am I too 😆). After my 1st ex who was a Malaysian Chinese, I never dated any Malaysian or Asian men anymore. I just feel that they aren't able to accept me for who I'm and mentality wise I just feel Westerners are more in line with my ways of thinking. And sexual wise, Asian men are less giving compare to Westerners. Because of these 2 reasons, Asian men will never be my cup of tea and I'm dead set in my thinking until Chris showed up. Never in a million years I would have guessed that I would be attracted to a Malaysian man!!!

In the past my friends had told me that the things or people I dislike the most might ended up being the things or people I might love the most. I confidently answered them back then that it would never happened to me as I know clearly what I want from a man and the things I want in life. But now with the appearance of Chris it looks like I might have to eat my words! 😂😂

God/Universe has its way to prove us wrong. Chris is really not the typical Asian men therefor we can connect and click so well because I don't think like a typical Asian women too. No offence to any Asian women. Nothing wrong with Asian women mentality or behaviour. Just that I don't fit into the mould and I'm fine for not fitting in. This is who I am. 

My take away lesson from my lovership with Chris is never say never because your never might be your yes 😛! I guess I need to keep an open mind and heart and don't close the door so quickly because then I might have missed the chance of like minded people such as Chris. I'm glad I took a chance with Chris and so far I'm enjoying what we are experiencing. The mental connection is just great. So will see and just go with the flow.

Remember, NEVER SAY NEVER 😄! Because if you do you might miss out on a good thing. Just give it a chance, just like I did. A wake up call for me, but a good one for sure! Life really is full of surprises! Haha

2nd time from Chris

Yesterday evening I whatsapp Chris and told him that if 1 day we become bored with each other and this lovership, we will tell each other and walk away without ghosting. And I also told him that I have a feeling we will be friends for long even after the lovership has ended.

His replied to me was he has a feeling he doesn't wants this lovership to end and as far as he is concerned he doesn't ghost on people. But his next statement was the one that made me feel a bit scared....He wrote to me  - Kind of have this feeling of "where have you been all my life" going on. This is the 2nd time in a span of less than 2 months he made that statement to me. The 1st time when he said that, I brushed it aside as joke because we were talking about something silly. And I didn't give any thoughts to it.

But yesterday evening when I read his replied......I'm feeling a bit scared because we weren't joking about anything silly. I like him, but I don't know much about him yet and vice versa too. I mean we think alike in some topics and we both want the same things in some very specific areas so our mental connection is pretty strong. He told me several times that he feels comfortable with me and I feel the same too. We actually sync in certain areas.

I didn't reply to his statement. I just left it like that. I'm scared because I heard similar statement made by Peter before when we were happy, loving and still together. But look what happened to us now! I don't want  a repeat with Chris. I know my circumstance with Chris is different and Chris is also a very different from Peter in many ways so I might just be overreacting. I don't want to fall in love with Chris. And I don't want him to fall in love with me because there is a possibility he might. It happened to Peter Wittendorp too.

Bottomline is I'm not ready to fall in love with anyone at this moment. I just want a carefree lovership where if things has to end we can still be friends. Anyway, not going to overthink, but rather just enjoy Chris and our chats (at least 5 days a week). He loves attention and he loves to give attention too. Haha. So we are good for each other. With Chris is always playful, horny and unexpected. Drama free and no emotions roller coaster rides. He will tells me what he wants and I will do the same. I don't need to guess anything where Chris is concerned. His appearance in my life at this moment is a message to me. He is the kind of lover I would love to meet and have in my life and now I have him.

He told me in 1 of his recent messages that although we haven't been physical, but we are lover in many ways. Again I didn't ask him in what ways because I don't want to get carry away and overanalyse every word he said to me. I just want to enjoy and go with the flow! That's all I want now with Chris 😄!

Cancelled & Deleted

Finally, the last linked I had to Peter Wittendorp is gone forever. I cancelled the subscription to the email that brought him into my life and caused so much headaches and  shitstorm to me no longer exist. The email address was wiped out without a trace. I guess it is a good thing as together with the deletion of the email address, whatever memories I still have of us will be deleted from my own memory bank too. 

Anyway, it is really time to move on and not think back anymore. I had also deleted and blocked his handphone number from my phone. But I still do remember his number as it is still ingrained in my memory bank. Now I still remember, but 1 day I won't be anymore. I still keep some of the SMSes and whatsapp messages, but I don't read back anymore. I just leave it there. Maybe 1 day when I read back I will not feel anything anymore and treat it like rubbish to be deleted. At this moment, I just want to keep it. 

Will I post it up here? I don't know. I really don't know yet. If 1 day I feel like doing so, I will. If not, then I won't. Only time will reveal my decision. 

Just glad that I cancelled the subscription and the email address was removed by the provider! Chapter closed!

Chris Went MIA

Been very busy lately hence didn't have a chance to update my blog until now. Chris went MIA for 2 days this week and I just let him be. He told me he had guest in town. I mirrored his actions and waited for him to reach out. Although I missed our daily messages, but I was adamant not to be the first one to reach out to him. I wanted to know if he missed me too. So after 2 full days of silent form my end, he whatsapp me and told me he missed our exchanges. I knew he would missed our chats and messages. I just wanted to see how long it would take him to reach out.

With Chris, there is a feeling of familiarity, like an old friend although we have only known each other for over a month. Is an easy feeling. But also a feeling of excitement and enjoyment. He is one hell of a writer. Writing what he wrote can turns any woman on. Hahaha!

Like I said, Chris inspires and stimulates me into thinking more creatively and by doing so I'm able to see things more clearly and vividly. I have a feeling we can be friends for long-term. I will share some of the messages Chris wrote to me in the near future 😉! It was relaxing and entertaining to read his messages after a long and busy day at work.

He is definitely an interesting lover to have. Will see.

Ironic

" I give people outmost respect" - to hear this statement uttered by people who are cheating or cheated on their wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend is ironic and laughable! How can one give utmost respect to other people when he/she can't even give the basic respect to his/her wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend???

Seriously, how can a cheater gives people the utmost respect or expect respect in return? I only give respect to people who show me the same level of respect or someone who is truly deserves of my respect. If a person treats me with disrespect, then he/she must be prepared to receive the same from me without whining and complaining that I'm being disrespectful to him/her.

I rarely lost respect for someone, but it happened. And it is really hard to give back the same level of respect to the person that I didn't respect anymore. Once is gone, is gone. If a cheater tells you that he/she still respects you and everyone else, take it with a grain of salt and don't believe it. It isn't possible to give utmost respect to everyone because some people just don't deserve it!! 

A husband who cheated on his wife doesn't respect her and their marriage. And a wife who  continues to stay with the cheater husband is disrespecting herself the most. So to hear this people telling me that they give utmost respect to people, the irony is just too obvious to ignore. 

And one cannot give respects to other people when one doesn't knows how to respect people they love! Anyway, just my opinions and I have nothing against anyone. I just find it ironic to hear someone telling me that he gives utmost respect to people when I know he is disrespecting his wife with his cheating behaviour. 

One cannot expect respects from others when one doesn't first respects himself or herself!