31.12.16 -My feelings about Peter Wittendorp

Today is the last day of the year. It had been a trying year for me that were full of dramas and I experienced the deepest and saddest heartbreak of my life. I learned and evolved to become a better person for myself. Until today I still couldn't understand why Peter Wittendorp could be so cruel, mean, harsh and selfish towards me. I couldn't understand how a man who claimed to love me could turned out to be the biggest jerk and asshole who hurt me without a blink of an eye. I'm not actively seeking answers because I know I will never be able to get any so why waste my time. But I have to admit that for the past 2 weeks his name keeps popping into my mind and I don't even know why. In the past, when his name kept showing up in my mind, he would appeared out of the blue. I don't think it will happen this time (him popping into my life again) because I won't allow it to happen. I have blocked him on my phone and email. I didn't block him on LinkedIn because then I will have to go into his page to block him and I don't want to do that. I can't block him on my blogs because it is open to public and I won't know who has read my posts specifically as he can be 1 of the many anonymous readers.

I'm not sure what I think about this man currently. There were times I think he was an asshole and biggest jerk in the world, and there were times I think I was wronged to humiliate him on my blogs. Yes he was shitty towards me, but I could had handled it more maturely and sensibly rather than allowed my emotions to control my mind. At that time all I could think of was to hurt him as deeply as he hurts me. I wanted blood. I wanted him to pay for the accusation he threw at me! But what I wanted the most was for the truth to be told from my side. He played with my feelings, lied to me for 2 years and then turned around to stab me repeatedly in my heart when the affair was exposed. I just snapped as my mind couldn't comprehend how could a man turned so ugly, cruel and cold without warning. I was hurting badly and I didn't want to protect his good guy image anymore. 

Looking back now, I might had been a bit rash in my decision and wasn't thinking clearly for sure. Sometimes, I did felt slightly upset with myself for hurting him in this manner. It isn't in my nature to hurt someone, especially a man that I used to love deeply. My love for him was real and genuine although I never fully admitted it to him. I should had the guts to be opened and blunt with my love for him rather than played it cool and suppressed my feeling for him for fear of losing him! A lot of things he did just didn't made any sense to me and even until now I still don't know what are facts and what are lies. 

It isn't important for me to find out anymore as he was my past that I will never want to revisit at all. Although I'm writing this post about him, it is because of necessity than a want. As mentioned earlier, he has been popping into my mind everyday for the past 2 weeks and I need to get him out of my system. 1 way to do so is to write about it so that hopefully it will make sense to me why this man suddenly appeared in my mind again! 

I tried to focus on Chris, but I failed. His name, Peter Wittendorp will just appeared in my mind. I managed to block most of the memories we had together (both negatives and positives), but some still managed to slip thru the crack. The good thing it didn't made me unhappy. To be honest I didn't really know what I was feeling for him anymore. If I have to use 1 word to describe how I felt, it would probably be 'stranger'. I thought I knew the real Peter Wittendorp, but turned out I didn't know a rat shit about him! I was so wronged about my perceptions of him. I thought I understand him 98%, turned out I didn't. I kicked myself for seeing the red flags and ignored it entirely because I trusted and loved him even after he failed me numerous times!! It showed how stupid I was when I fell in love with a man! Haha. I was a fool!! 

Now I can laugh at myself. Before I couldn't. I beat myself up for being so trusting of him. My self-worth dropped to the bottom and I only managed to regain it back in August when I met Michael in Bali during my birthday. Michael reminded me that I'm still desirable and attractive by just being myself. 

I'm definitely a change person after my experienced with Peter Wittendorp. I'm more wary of men words, I don't trust so easily, I laugh less too and I don't have faith in men and relationship anymore. Thanks Peter Wittendorp for giving me a fucking shitty memorable experienced! I have not fully forgiven him yet. Although I'm not mad and unhappy anymore, I still can't bring myself to wish him well because he doesn't deserves it! I don't wish him bad, but I don't wish him well either. I wish he didn't hurt me so deeply and retract back his accusation. And apologise to me for it. I wish he has the balls to be a proper man to me. I will apologise for my actions, but only if he apologise too! Which will never happen in this lifetime! 

In his mind, I wronged him! In my mind, he wronged me!! So stalemate. 😉

Anyway, I'm glad that today is the last day of 2016. I know 2017 will be a great and fabulous year for me. A new year is a new chapter for me to write my wonderful story.

P.S. I don't cry easily, but when I was with Peter I cried a lot and often! I was walking on egg shells and I was feeling sad and confused. I wanted to make him happy all the time and hearing him laughed just made me happy. I never asked for anything from him except don't hurt me and don't play with my heart from Day 1 and he said he didn't!! In the end he did both! I will not cry for a man anymore! It would had been easier to let go if I didn't love this man, but I DID! I wanted him to be mine since the 1st day I met him 10 years ago! The 1st time he said he loved me I was shocked, surprised and dumb founded as I didn't expect it! I joked with him all the times warning him not to fall in love with me and secretly hope he would and when he said "I love u" to me it was the happiest time of my life! All I ever wanted was for him to love me and spent time with me whenever possible! Anyway, it was all in the past! I should refrain myself from writing about him anymore! I know it will be hard for me to forget him. He will always live in a corner of my mind! 

I miss Chris

I miss Chris but I can't pinpoint exactly why I miss him. Haha. Definitely not the I love him type of miss him. Probably more like I miss a good friend kinda missing. I used to find him fascinating and interesting, but not anymore. I don't find him mysterious anymore and it doesn't pique my interests to find out more about him. I'm sure there are still a lot more about him that I have yet to know, but I don't feel like digging further to find out. If he wants to tell me without me trying to dig it out from him, I will be happy to hear what he has to share and in the process getting to know him better. But if he prefers not to share, I won't ask unless I think it is something important that I think I should know. Otherwise I will not ask.

He isn't that difficult to understand or figure out. I'm very certain he has a few skeletons in the closet that no one knows about just like everyone of us. Do I have any skeleton hiding and lurking around in the closet and waiting to be exposed 😝? Haha.......I'm not telling.

Chris to me is like an old friend more than a lover. I don't need to know every single details about an old friend because not everything concerns me, nor do I want to be concerned by it! The ways I treat a friend and a lover are different 😜! Yes, in the beginning I wanted Chris to be my lover, but after seeing him and spending time with him I changed my mind. I didn't feel a longing for him like I used to feel for Peter Wittendorp. I enjoyed Chris's company, but I don't feel much chemistry. There were sparks, but more like friendship sparks than romantic sparks. Haha. 

Do I wish to have romantic sparks with Chris? Hmmmm........I don't think so. He doesn't arouse me physically as much as Peter. Mentally Chris is compatible and he also has a wicked sense of humour that just made me laughed so hard 😂😂! And he loved to give me hugs, which I enjoyed tremendously. I loved the feeling of his arms circling my small waist and hugging me tight against his body. He has a very warm body hence he transferred his body heat to me. And that was why it felt so good to snuggle up to him. The downside was he snored. I don't remember if Peter snored, but I do remember that his body twitched when he was asleep as I felt it sleeping next to Peter. I told him the next day and he said he didn't realise at all. 

Am I jumping to conclusion too soon about my feeling for Chris? Hmmmm.........I don't think so, but I will leave a small window of possibility to change my mind in case I'm wrong about my feeling for Chris in the future 😜! But as of now, I don't feel attracted to him romantically although I miss chatting with him. Or maybe the real person I miss isn't Chris, but I didn't want to admit it hence I focus all my attention on Chris and making myself miss him instead. 

Anyway, Chris have been extremely busy since he flew back to Dubai. Between work, family and friends, he doesn't has as much time as before to chat with me. Maybe that also added to the reasons why I miss him. Couple with the fact that I have too much free time on my hand to think stupidly. Hahaha. 

Oh well....I'm sure the missing him mood will be gone soon. Nowadays I'm becoming very good in blocking off unwanted negative thoughts and feelings so that I will stay positive at all times. So far my success rate is around 90%, which isn't bad at all. Haha.

Ok, enough confession about me missing Chris. Till the next post....Ciao

Old and new improved ME😁😁!

It had been a super duper long time I didn't leave my phone in the safe in my room and it felt really good without it as I was able to finished reading my book for the past 5 hours! Yup finally I finished the book. Haha. I'm sitting at the hotel bar for the past 5 hours, fully enjoyed and immersed myself in my own little world. I'm currently being surrounded by people and music, but I'm able to retreat into my own world and find peace within myself and my surrounding. I have learned to tune out any noises that don't serve me at all and create my own solitude.

I wasn't able to do that in the past as my mind couldn't be still and I liked to overthink and overanalysed things and situations until it created unnecessary stress for myself. But not anymore. I have learned that I have no control over things and people. The only control I have are myself and my thoughts. I only need to be in control of myself and not other things, situations or people because it is pointeless and useless as I can never control external factors 😊!

I'm loving every minute of my Bali trip. For the 1st time since 2014, this holiday isn't part of an escape from the emotional roller coaster Peter Wittendorp put me thru. I was edgy after Peter walked back into my life and was also needy and insecure as I wanted him to stay in my life and loved me that I was willing to compromise myself to keep him! I learned the hard way to never want a man until I was walking on egg shells around him frequently.

I also learned to cut people off whenever necessary. I dislike playing mind games and I learned that those who don't reach out to me doesn't miss my friendship hence I won't bother reaching out as well especially if I have tried several times. I will only put in the same amount of effort as the other party unless they are people I value and treasure. Previously, I was always the one to initiate contact and suggested meet up, but I don't want to do that anymore.

And if a guy promised to catch up but failed to do so, I will not hesitate to cut him off especially after I gave him 2-3 chances to redeem himself! I won't allow men to put me thru anymore emotional roller coaster like I allowed Peter. I have learned to set boundaries  and if the guy doesn't respect my boundaries, I will not hesitate to cut him loose at all. I won't tolerate shitty asshole actions. And I will not hesitate to call out the guy if I find his actions and behaviours are shitty. No more beating around the bush. 

The new improved version of myself isn't for everyone. I'm definitely not everyone glass of red wine 😛😛!! And is ok because I only want to be friends with people who will accept me for me and also don't play mind games!! I hate mind games BIG TIME!! Waste of time and energy! 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to test the new ME in 2017. I'm mentally prepare to loose a few people in my life who won't like the new improved version of ME 😝! I can't please everyone and I don't want to please everyone! 

Will update the reactions of my friends and clients of how well they are able to accept the NEW ME. An experiment and a test! Hehe

Chris Visited Me on 12.12.16

Chris went back to Penang to visit his parents last week and yesterday he spent 1 night in KL to catch up and see me 😃! I got back from Bali yesterday afternoon and he reached KL about 1.5 hours later. I went to KL Sentral to pick him up and we went to BSC for Japanese dinner. After dinner, we head back to my home to chill over red wine. I wasn't sure he would be able to extend his stay in KL for 1 night so I was happy when he told me he could. I was looking forward to see him and a tad nervous too 😝! I wasn't sure if the connection we shared over our chats would be the same in person too. But I told myself not to overthink and just enjoy his presence and company. Treat him like an old friend cum lover without any expectations 😀! And it worked. We had a nice dinner and talked about everything without losing a beat or feeling awkward.

After dinner, we headed back to my home to chill and relax. Opened a bottle of Rioja red wine to drink. Physique wise he wasn't what I expected, but it was acceptable. I feel very comfortable around him, like an old friend. I put him up in my guest room. After he showered, he came out to join me in the lanai area for wine.

That was when he puled me in for a long kiss. Interesting style of kissing. Not so much french kissing and he liked to kiss my bottom lip. Haha. I don't know how to describe but it is definitely interesting. We kissed for quite awhile. Well I won't go into full details of what he did 😝!

Overall, it was 7 out of 10 experienced with Chris. I enjoyed chatting with him in person. I told him he is welcome to stay in my guest room anytime he is in KL. Maybe I might see him again next weekend when he has to fly to KL for work. Will see. If not, I'm fine as well.

Anyway, I thing for sure I don't have any romantic feeling for him anymore. It is more like FWB kinda feeling now. Which is good and what I like. I don't plan to start any serious relationship for the next 1-2 years as I want to focus on my career. So Chris as FWB is good 😃! Haha.

But most important was I learned a lot more about Chris> Only child, parents in the 80s', a few investments here and there and he isn't a show off guy. Definitely not metrosexual since he has uneven teeth. Haha. We talked about a lot of things. He shared with me the perils of living in Dubai ( hidden risks). We talked about property investments, our view about life and etc. Oh he also met my brother and had a few glasses of wines with him We talked about holiday destinations and stuffs.

I never allowed a guy's friend to stay overnight in my home and Chris was the 1st. I just felt very comfortable with him, like old friend. He also made himself very at home 😆!

He will looks better without the slight tummy. Hahaha. He blamed it on all the food he ate while in Penang for 1 week. I like lying my head on his belly as it was cushy and nice. He actually enjoyed it too. Oh ya, his cuddling was very comfortable. Not feeling any discomfort. But because both of us coughed, he actually slept in the guest room so that we both could get some proper sleep. Which to be honest, I was glad because he snored.

I need quietness to be able to sleep well. And I'm not use to sharing the half of my bed when I'm so use to having the whole bed to myself. Hehe. He was really nice to cuddle me to sleep before he went to the guest room to sleep. Kinda sweet 😜!

That are all for now. Till the next update.....

Back in Bali (8.12.16)

My last holiday of 2016 and I'm back in Bali and staying at the same resort as my birthday trip in August. I selected this hotel again is because of the view from the pool. It is just breathtaking. The weather is great so far. Was told it had been raining and thunderstorm for the past few weeks, in fact it rained until 10am today before it stopped. I was also slightly worried that the weather is going to be miserable, but I was optimistic I will bring th sunshine from KL 😃 and I did. At least so far so good so a good start!! 

Right now I'm having my early dinner as I didnt had lunch. Simple curry chicken and white rice dinner, but is flavourful and delicious. Not to forget the million dollar view of the ocean, the waves crashing against the shore and the cooling sea breeze made the dinner extra yummy. I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel perfectly comfortable. 

This trip is very different from my last. My feeling is definitely so different now. I can see and feel everything clearly and finally I'm at peace. I have changed and I know what are the changes and I'm embracing the changes with an open mind and arms. I also came to realisation that Peter Wittendorp is like a shadow, always there, but unseen. His name is still lingering in my mind although I feel nothing towards him anymore. At one stage of my life he was the man I wanted the most. I wanted him to love me and he did, according to his declaration unless that was also a lie like everything else he told me. Anyway it doesn't matter anymore what is lie what is truth. Is the past and let it stay as the past.

I'm happy now. Not only do I regained my old self back, I also become an improved version of myself. I got to know more new guys and understand what I want from a partner better than before. I know what I'm willing and unwilling to compromise and I will speak my mind and be myself at all times! I won't silence my voice to please someone or make the person likes me. I'm enough and will be enough for the right man! 

I'm not perfect and I have flaws, but it is part of who I am. I'm not competing with anyone 😉! I'm looking forward to 2017 as I have a feeling I will achieve greater heights in my career and hopefully meet someone who jive with me

Meanwhile, maybe a Bali fling while I'm here 😂😂😝! Hahahaha

Intellectual vs Sexual Prowess

Do you prefer a woman to want you for your intellectual or sexual prowess?? - I asked over a dozen of my guys friend this question today as I was curious what would they choose. Actually, this question was meant for Chris only, but after he gave me his answer I thought it would be fun to ask my other guys friend so that I can gain better insight to how they think about relationship and do they prefer women want them as a sex object or their intellectual mind.

Majority of my guys friend chose intellect and only 3 chose sexual prowess. 1 wasn't serious hence will take him out of the count. so only 2 chose sexual prowess. 1 of them said that just intellect alone will not suffice and keep the interests going. He has a point, but at the same time I think he missed the point of my question. His choice has shown me that he prefers to be wanted for his sexual prowess than his mind. Hmmmmm, nothing wrong with his choice, but it made me realised that we never really had any intellectually stimulating conversations since I known him in Jan this year. Occasionally he was sexually stimulating (with his words), but never mentally stimulating. Our conversations never make me ponder further on the topics we talked about and sometimes it were mundane too. I didn't realise this fact until now. Anyway since we are just friend I'm not bother by his choice. Beside, my question was purely for fun only 😛!

Chris and my other male friends selected intellectual, which was within my expectation. I did asked them why and they told me because sex will fizzle out and intellect won't. Beside it isn't fun to have sex with someone whom they aren't able to have a decent conversation with. Which I totally agree with them!! I will never choose a man just because he is good in the sack even if he has the right size hardware 🙈😈!

The right size hardware that doesn't comes with the software is just less attractive and desirable. Hence, it is imperative to have mental connection, physical attraction and sexual chemistry to make a relationship last. Men are just like women after all....they aren't just purely after sex but also intellectual connection and mental stimulation.

Anyway, my survey sample wasn't large and it was conducted purely for fun only. But I will continue to use this question to break the ice with any new guy I'm going to meet in the future. I think it will be a good pick up line for women to use on men who catch their eyes or like without the fear of being rejected 😂😂.

This topic is interesting enough to start a friendly debate and keep the conversation alive and less boring. Plus I learned some new abbreviations (sex related) from friends too. It was very entertaining to read their reply and rationale. Made me laughed non-stop! Haha.

If any of my female readers do conduct this survey, please share the outcome by leaving the comments on this post. Looking forward to hearing back from all of you out there 😄! I will update when I have new result or comments. Enjoy and have fun asking the question!

Peter Wittendorp

A name that I want to forget and yet I'm being reminded on almost a daily basis because of the posts I wrote about him and I. Without failed everyday for the past few weeks visitors to my blogs would searched for posts related to him. I had wrote so many posts about other men in my life and also about my daily life, but yet the interest was always about Peter Wittendorp. I wonder why??? What are so interesting about these posts that it actually prompted the visitors to search my blogs for all the posts related to him? I will be lying if I say I'm not curious to know why, but since I will never know the answers I will just drop my curiosity!

Seeing his name on a daily basis brought back some memories, but didn't affect my emotions at all. The only feeling that is associated with his name and him is he is a LIAR! He was a lesson the universe wanted me to learn from. He was the 1st man I loved deeply and also a man who hurt me the most and changed my views about relationship and men permanently. I was never a believer in marriage, but after my emotional, mental and physical loverhsip with Peter Wittendorp, I think marriage is just the biggest joke we human play on ourselves!!

Men think they are doing women  favour by marrying us and women feel that getting married, having a husband and kids are the greatest achievement in her life are in for a rude awakening and reality check! 99% of men cheat and most of the reasons men used to cheat are to mainly to delusion themselves so that they don't feel bad about cheating! They don't only lie to the women, but also to themselves. And for those women who continue to stay and believe in their cheating man, you aren't being brave and forgiving. You just don't want to face the reality that your man is a cheater. Cold hard truth is never easy to admit and swallow!

"I love you and want to be with you. But I still love her and want to be with her too. This isn't the traditional 1-1 love"  - That was what Peter Wittendorp said to me and I fell for it. I should had ran away from him, but instead I fell deeper for him! Hahaha. Silly me. I guessed that was what love do to the brain.....made me stupid instead of being smart and alert 😆! Now I can laughed at my own stupidity as I had forgiven myself for trusting Peter and for giving him countless chances to break my heart! I had to shoulder some of my actions and took responsibilities for my decisions.

He isn't a bad person, but he isn't a good man too. I'm numb to his accusations and I choose not to response further. Silence is golden 😄! Best way to deal with senseless accusations from someone is to ignore it entirely! Engaging in words war will just fuel it further and drain me as well. My well being is my main priority. And why waste time arguing my innocent when the accusation hurled at me came from a serial liar (2 full years)!

Anyway, whatever! If people want to believe a liar, let them be. I can't control what people choose to believe and not. Oh well, writing about him just gives me negative vibes so I'm going to stop now.

Kiasu, Khasi

According to Wikipedia, the meaning for Kiasu & Kiasi are explained as the following:

Kiasi is commonly compared to Kiasu (literally, fear of losing) and both are commonly used to describe behaviour where Kiasi or Kiasi-ism means to take extreme means to avoid risk and Kiasu or Kiasu-ism means to take extreme means to achieve success.

It is a Hokkien dialect and widely use in KL, Singapore & Taiwan. But most of the time we use it to describe Singaporean behaviour because they are known for possessing such traits. And recently, while I was doing some research online I stumbled across not 1 but multiple blogspots by the same person covering different aspects of his/her life. I didn't read the blogs as I found it amusing that this person is so Kiasu until he/she needs to have so many different blog address to promote himself/herself!! I don't know where this person is from, but definitely is Asia as the blog address starts with this person name 🙄🙄!

I couldn't help wondering what type of person feels a need to publicise his/her existence through so many blogs??? Probably attention seeker with insecurity issue 😝!! I contemplated to write this post or not, but at the end of the day I decided to do so because this person is displaying the classic kiasu behaviour. I'm really curious to know the nationality of this person. My gut feeling is leaning towards Singaporean (p.s. google wikipedia the word kiasu and it makes reference to Singaporeans 🙈😂), but personally I'm not sure.  If my gut feeling is right......it will be the most hilarious and kiasu act!!! 😂😂😂

Anyway, this post is not to pass judgement on anyone, but rather to demonstrate the meaning of kiasu and kiasi.

Deja Vu

Chris is on radio silence again!! This is at least the 5th time (lost count to be honest) and the 1st time he didn't tell me he won't be in touch. But then I'm not surprised with his radio silence as he has been a bit off the chart after Halloween. I tried to ask him what was bothering him or if he needed space, but to no avail. And honestly, I'm tired of asking. I really don't want to spend my time asking if everything is cool or not. Beside, we live too far apart to even have a shot to make this lovership works. Hence I'm not going to pour too much of my energy and time into this lovership, especially not after my horrendous experienced with Peter. One experienced is enough to last me a lifetime. I have to learn the lesson the hard way and seeing that I had recovered, I won't be so stupid to jump into another lovership with a guy who sometimes reminded me of Peter.

Yes, Chris did cheered me up and so did Peter when things were great between us, but after things to sour, Peter also turned into an asshole! So now my mind and heart are guarded and I don't trust easily. Plus I'm big fan of the saying actions speaks louder than words. Don't get hung up on all the sweet words a man utters, but rather watch if his actions match his words or not.

Oh well, it is actually kinda good to be able to see and experience another side of Chris at this early stage. At least I can decide the next step. I have been thinking of cutting Chris out of my life permanently as it is a huge turn off with his stonewalling behaviour. I came close to deleting and blocking him a few times today, but I told myself don't be rash but rather don't allow his behaviour affect me. After all, we are just LDR lover and nothing more. I don't need to take things too seriously and I can always treat him as just a casual friend. And I always have the same choice as him so if I really want to treat him with radio silence I can and have every right to do so. Haha.

My EQ is definitely much much higher now compare to before. Heart break does changed a person. Not only I can feel the changes in me, but also see and experience it on a daily basis. Cutting people off, especially men isn't hard anymore. And I won't allow anyone to take advantage of my kindness anymore. Being too nice to men means being cruel to myself! So I refuse to be nice unless I get the same treatment.

Honestly, if I find out Peter is dead, I don't think I will shed a tear for him at all. He isn't worth another drop of my precious tear. His presence and demise from this world is of no impact to me anymore. I wish in my lifetime I will never see his face again even if it is just coincidental. I don't hate him because hating him means he still have a place in my heart. I just don't want to see a cheater and liar face at all. I will let his legal half deal with his cheating and put up with his bullshit and lies. I don't pity her because the image Peter painted of her wasn't good. According to Peter, she was a cheater hence it was the main reason he decided to cheat and even contemplating divorce.

Anyway, whatever is the truth doesn't matters to me anymore. I'm just writing what I was told by Peter, in his own words. Knowing him, of course he will deny he ever said that to me and I really don't care he admit or deny. All I care is I'm writing what I was told and my conscious is cleared. So both Peter and his other half are cheaters and liars. They deserve each other!

Sorry I sidetrack a bit.....haha. Coming back to Chris, I will just let him be and goes with the flow. If 1 day I really don't want to put up with his lacks of reply, I will just delete or block him.

Chris does gives me a Deja Vu feeling, which I dislike tremendously, but for the time being I'm still able to handle my feelings. So keeping Chris in my life a little bit longer!

My World (written on 11.11.16)

I'm sitting in Ippudo typing away as I just finished my lunch. Been awhile since I last wrote as I had been busy and extremely tired from work. Good kind of tired so I'm happy. Beside my lovership life is keeping me occupied too 😈😂! Still chatting and talking to Chris on daily basis, but his night shifts are disrupting his sleep so our chats/talks didn't lasted as long as before. And he is also getting into the habit of not answering some of my questions. I was annoyed and frustrated at 1st, but not anymore. I just let him be and not be to hung up about the lack of information and reply. What I do is find myself another 2-3 more new people to chat with. Not lovers, but just new friends who are like minded. I just want to give myself more options and all these new people have made me understand men more. And I notice patterns in men behaviour and actions that are fairly interesting and fascinating.

Raining cats and dogs now. Surrounded by lunch crowd and yet I'm able to retreat into my own world and not be affected by the activities around me. Is really fun to be able to block the world out and just enjoy the sound of the rain pelting down. The havoc the rain is going to cause the traffic later. It will be a nightmarish and massive traffic jam!! I'm going to head home after this post.

I remember the 1st long chat I had with Chris was when he was in Florida and it was also raining cats and dogs like now. We had a very nice chat and found out that we actually enjoy and like rain 😃😀! But lately I feel like he is slightly disconnected and distracted. It is just my own gut feeling but I could be oversensitive. But then again I could be right. I didn't ask him because I know even if I do ask he won't tell me. Hence what's the point to ask. He likes to keep things to himself so I will respect his decision.

Anyway, the rain has stops and I think I want to head home so that I can put up my feet and enjoy the comfort of my own home.

Wishing everyone a good day and week ahead. Hope you guys are able to find your own little world in this crazy unpredictable world we are living in!

Daily Chat with Chris

".........there's also all the other facets that I find equally amazing too. It's like Christmas and you get a present within a present within a present 😊". Chris words to me this evening. I felt happy that he managed to see and find so many facets of me amazing, but at the same time I felt it might just be sweet words to make me happy and not sincere. I know, I know.....I have a serious trust issue. I know I'm an amazing woman and I know he didn't just said it to make me feel good and happy, but yet I couldn't help doubting his words. 

My last experienced with Peter seriously changed my views on men and turned me into a less trusting person. Now words are just words without any concrete actions to back it up. I believe in consistent actions and not words anymore unless it is uttered by someone I know very well and has consistently shown me he/she is reliable and honest. Even if Chris meant it from the bottom of his heart, I still have trouble trusting him. I trusted Peter without a doubt and looked what happened to me in the end. I learnt my lesson and I'm not going to repeat the same mistake. I want to trust Chris, but it is still a long way to go before I can fully trust him. I just want to protect myself from being hurt again.

So for now I will just enjoy all the sweet words and compliments Chris said to me when I read or hear it. It will not stay in my mind even though I know I'm amazing 😂😝🙈!! He also told me he will be busy this evening hence he won't be able to reply my messages until much later in the night. I was surprised when I read that because it was totally unexpected especially when I told him to take the space he needs to do whatever he needs to do and come back to me when he is free and in the same mind frame as me. Never once did I complaint about him taking too long to reply. In the beginning I did said jokingly he always went rogue on me, but for the past 2 weeks I didn't said it anymore as I have decided to let him be and just goes with the flow.

Men are funny creature. When you didn't expect them to update you, they would. When you want them to update you, they won't 🙈! Anyway, it did made me happy when I read that because he didn't need to. So I thanked him for informing me. I appreciated the thought from him. We have been chatting almost daily for about 5 weeks now. I'm wondering if we can still continue our daily chat without getting bored with each other or running out of topics to talk about. Oh well, I'm not going to let my mind wander into the future and the unknown because then it will create unnecessary stress. 

I don't need unnecessary stress at the moment because I already have a lot of other issues to stress about. What I need now is just enjoy Chris because I don't know when we will be bored with each other? So enjoy while he still plays a role in my life. Hehe.

Ok that's all for this post. Until the next one!

Attention

Waking up to read so many of Chris messages just made my day and put a big smile on my face. Still smiling while typing away now 😀! We just enjoy teasing and flirting with each other. And he is very good at cracking jokes. Last night, after my post, I received his messages and some of the things he wrote just made me laughed so hard. 

What I realised is all men are big kids at heart and they want attention as much as us women. Just that they don't say it out loud or ask for it, unlike us women. We women are more vocal in what we want from men, but not the other way around. So as a woman I need to read cues and know when to give attention to my lover. And also when he needs his space so that I can give it to him and let him come back to me when he is in the right headspace. 

Thanks to my last experienced, I became a better version of myself now and I know when to take and when to give. Men is just like a kite. If you pull the string of the kite too hard, it might snap and fly away. But if you learn the right way to pull and release at the right time, the kite will soar higher into the sky and you can also pull it back when you want. Think about it. The more you give men space, the more they will appreciate you and not run away as they don't feel they are losing their freedom and space. It took me a painful 2 years with a class A jerk to understand that by giving a man what he wants I get more bacon return without my asking. The less I want to know what Chris is doing during his free time, the more he is willing to share with me without my asking. Both of us have our own life and since we are so far apart, it is pointless and useless for me to keep asking him and getting too involve with his life. I trust him to know what he is doing. We are both experienced and mature adults, hence we should be responsible for our own actions. 

I'm so much happier when I give up the need to know and just enjoy him and our time chatting and talking. Last night, I asked him to send an audio to me as I wanted to hear his voice before I slept and he did. Chris has a deep, soothing, manly voice that I find really sexy and hot. It is a huge turn on for me 😛😈! When I want attention I will ask him. But most of the time he gives me a lot and vice versa. 

Give the right attention and space to a man and you will find more enjoyment and less pressure in your relationship/lovership. I learned the hard way, but I learned and I'm happy now 😂😂!

My favourite guy

Captain Cool, my favourite guy at the moment 😂. He always managed to crack me up with his silliness and wise ass remarks! Oh oh, I love to hear his deep manly voice. Is such a turn on for me 😍! With him, I can be very blunt and upfront and I know he doesn't feel offended. Most of the times we forgot what we told each other hence never any hard feelings. And if I feel any negativity building up inside me, I will tell him and stay away until the negativity is gone. I don't want to take it out on him because I don't think it is fair. It is my negative emotions hence I need to take care of it myself without involving anyone. I have learned a lot in the past 3 months on how to truly live an open life and communicate my feelings and thoughts openly without holding back. Is still work in progress, but I see tremendous improvements in my relationship with people, from strangers to business partners to friends and family. I realised that there are people out there who are like me and appreciate my honesty and bluntness rather than told me not to be too blunt or take offend easily. I can use any words I like and want without having to worry about that person feel offended. 

It is truly liberating to be able to be blunt and honest with people. I'm not everyone cup of tea and is fine. I don't want to be everyone cup of tea. Haha. Chris has shown me what I truly want from a lover, be it full time or part-time. He brought out the creative side of me and he enjoys my mental energy as much as I enjoy his. With Chris, I have learned to chill and not be bothered by the unknown. I used to ask a lot of personal questions, but now I let it be. The less I ask, the more info he volunteered and sometimes I really don't want to know at all. I don't want to get too addicted to him when he is just a part-time lover and not a full-time lover. I don't want to absorb anyone negative energy and drama anymore therefore the less I know the better I feel 😀!

At this juncture, Chris is definitely my favourite part-time lover. When will I feel bored with him, I don't know yet. When will he feel bored with me, I don't know too. Haha. But I have a feeling he won't feel bored with me for awhile 😂😝! I'm able to step back and give him his space anytime he wants it. I don't hold on to what we have. Instead I just go with the flow and see where it takes me.

I told him this afternoon to take his headspace anytime he wants and comes back to me when he is in the right frame of mind as me. I don't enjoy chatting with him when we aren't on the same wavelength. Yes, I do miss our daily chats when I don't hear from him, but is ok. Sometimes too much of something will make me sick too. So occasionally I need to reduce the doses of him in order for me and him to last longer. 

If Chris misses me, he will reach out. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. Life still goes on. My life doesn't revolve around him or waiting for him to call or text me. I enjoy his presence, but I'm also ok without it. After my last experienced, I find that going with the flow is just the way to go. People come, people go. Why get so hung up on 1 particular person when there are 7 billion people in the universe 😉! 

"Don't"

A regularly use word in daily life, but yet I have a serious aversion to this word especially if it is uttered by someone I like such as Chris. We were having our regular chats and I asked him if he has different compartments in his minds for different things in his life as I know most men do. It was just a curious question from my end because I enjoy studying people.

And to be fair his replied was normal, but he used the word "Don't"!!! His exact phrase was, "Don't study me or you end up with headache and horny". It was kinda funny the last part of the sentence, but I didn't feel funny at all. I felt slightly pissed off and went into a defensive mode. The reason I felt pissed off was because it reminded me of Peter Wittendorp. He liked to use the word "Don't" a lot...."can you please don't do this or that" or "why don't you do this or that".....I felt deja vu all over again as if like I needed permission to do or say anything I like and want in my life. I hate being told what I can or can't do. I know Chris didn't mean it like that, but because of my past experienced the word just irked me to the max! 

So I replied him....I didn't waste time studying him as people change and they don't show their true self anyway. He didn't reply back after that. Later in the evening, I dropped him a message to tell him that I will stay away from him for a few days as I felt some negativity building up and I don't want to take it out on him unintentionally. 

He replied and said he understand and is normal because we are all human. He is like that too. And he thanked me for telling him. I didn't explain to him why I wanted to stay away. I thought about telling him, but then I decided not to because I don't feel like explaining myself about my past with Peter. Even if I did explained he might not have understand why I have aversion to a word. 

Is something I need to work on it myself. No one can help me to overcome this aversion. I just didn't expect that a simple word will bring back negative memories of Peter. Sigh......

Anyway, let's hope I get rid of the aversion for the word "Don't" asap. Wish me luck!

Moral Police

Majority of the world population like to act as though that they are tasked to be a moral police for someone else behaviour and actions. A lot of people feel that it is their right to judge and condemn people who don't conform to society norm or don't behave like them. Who are we to judge another human being?? We are all flaws and imperfect. We do our best to live the life we feel and think is right for us. But what is right for us might not be right for other people. And is ok because we are not put on this earth to live a life for someone's else!

We are borne into this world to live a life of our own, create our own story and carve our own journey. And as we move along in life, we collect scars because of the battles we have to fight to live the life we want. Is already a challenge to live our own life, so I really don't understand why do people like to take on more unappreciated role such as becoming a moral police for someone else life? 

Beside, before we judge other people, please make sure that we are ok to be judged back in return. If we are not ok, then we need to think twice before we open our mouth to comment on someone else actions and behaviours. Don't be a moral police if you are not ready to accept being policed back in return. 

Anyway, the best way to have a happy life is to let people live their life at their own terms and conditions and we live ours at our own terms and conditions. We are not borne into this world to waste our time to become moral police of other people actions and behaviours.

So live and stop worrying 😃!

Chris is Drawn to Me

My favourite Captain told me last night he is drawn to me mentally and sexually. Deja Vu feeling for me because I heard the exact same statement 1.5 years ago from the person who  hurt me the most, Peter. Why oh why are men always drawn to me mentally and sexually??

But at least with Chris I know what he wants and what I'm getting into. Chris said to me he believes in our connection and energy and I do agree with him. I know I don't make sense and I really don't know how to explain, but there are a lot of similarities between us.  His fav food - Japanese (can eat daily sashimi) and Thai (especially street Phad Tai). For me also the same cuisine, but not as specific as him. 

It is exactly 1 month since we started communicating and so far it is growing stronger each day. I told him I won't ask him any prying questions so if he wants to offer me any details about himself I will be happy to know. I told him it doesn't matter how much I know about him, what matter is I trust him. I need to learn to trust again because if I don't I will overthink and pick every things he had said to me apart and analysing every words!! I won't do this to myself hence I choose to trust him until I'm proven wrong to trust him. At this moment, he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. I don't think he will be a mean person and I have a feeling I will be safe when I'm with him.

I feel like he is my mirror and he is reflecting my inner desires and wants. I keep reminding myself not to get too carry away with him, but somehow the pull between us is strong. With Chris, I'm living and enjoying the moment. I don't think about the future and what if! I can say for sure that I'm going with the flow and see where it leads me too. I have a feeling he will teach me something new about myself and elevate me to the next level 😝😝! He is my twin 😈😈! Haha.

Anyway, it makes me feel good to know that he is drawn to me. He adds to my happiness quotient on almost daily basis. So no complaint about him yet! 😂

Ok, I have to end this post now as I have to spend sometime chatting with him. My night is always busy! Haha

Never Say Never

Everyone who knows me know that Asian men never appeal to me and I will never ever consider dating them, let alone Malaysian men. So when I told Nora that I actually kinda like Chris and he is a Malaysian, she was surprised!! (So am I too 😆). After my 1st ex who was a Malaysian Chinese, I never dated any Malaysian or Asian men anymore. I just feel that they aren't able to accept me for who I'm and mentality wise I just feel Westerners are more in line with my ways of thinking. And sexual wise, Asian men are less giving compare to Westerners. Because of these 2 reasons, Asian men will never be my cup of tea and I'm dead set in my thinking until Chris showed up. Never in a million years I would have guessed that I would be attracted to a Malaysian man!!!

In the past my friends had told me that the things or people I dislike the most might ended up being the things or people I might love the most. I confidently answered them back then that it would never happened to me as I know clearly what I want from a man and the things I want in life. But now with the appearance of Chris it looks like I might have to eat my words! 😂😂

God/Universe has its way to prove us wrong. Chris is really not the typical Asian men therefor we can connect and click so well because I don't think like a typical Asian women too. No offence to any Asian women. Nothing wrong with Asian women mentality or behaviour. Just that I don't fit into the mould and I'm fine for not fitting in. This is who I am. 

My take away lesson from my lovership with Chris is never say never because your never might be your yes 😛! I guess I need to keep an open mind and heart and don't close the door so quickly because then I might have missed the chance of like minded people such as Chris. I'm glad I took a chance with Chris and so far I'm enjoying what we are experiencing. The mental connection is just great. So will see and just go with the flow.

Remember, NEVER SAY NEVER 😄! Because if you do you might miss out on a good thing. Just give it a chance, just like I did. A wake up call for me, but a good one for sure! Life really is full of surprises! Haha

2nd time from Chris

Yesterday evening I whatsapp Chris and told him that if 1 day we become bored with each other and this lovership, we will tell each other and walk away without ghosting. And I also told him that I have a feeling we will be friends for long even after the lovership has ended.

His replied to me was he has a feeling he doesn't wants this lovership to end and as far as he is concerned he doesn't ghost on people. But his next statement was the one that made me feel a bit scared....He wrote to me  - Kind of have this feeling of "where have you been all my life" going on. This is the 2nd time in a span of less than 2 months he made that statement to me. The 1st time when he said that, I brushed it aside as joke because we were talking about something silly. And I didn't give any thoughts to it.

But yesterday evening when I read his replied......I'm feeling a bit scared because we weren't joking about anything silly. I like him, but I don't know much about him yet and vice versa too. I mean we think alike in some topics and we both want the same things in some very specific areas so our mental connection is pretty strong. He told me several times that he feels comfortable with me and I feel the same too. We actually sync in certain areas.

I didn't reply to his statement. I just left it like that. I'm scared because I heard similar statement made by Peter before when we were happy, loving and still together. But look what happened to us now! I don't want  a repeat with Chris. I know my circumstance with Chris is different and Chris is also a very different from Peter in many ways so I might just be overreacting. I don't want to fall in love with Chris. And I don't want him to fall in love with me because there is a possibility he might. It happened to Peter Wittendorp too.

Bottomline is I'm not ready to fall in love with anyone at this moment. I just want a carefree lovership where if things has to end we can still be friends. Anyway, not going to overthink, but rather just enjoy Chris and our chats (at least 5 days a week). He loves attention and he loves to give attention too. Haha. So we are good for each other. With Chris is always playful, horny and unexpected. Drama free and no emotions roller coaster rides. He will tells me what he wants and I will do the same. I don't need to guess anything where Chris is concerned. His appearance in my life at this moment is a message to me. He is the kind of lover I would love to meet and have in my life and now I have him.

He told me in 1 of his recent messages that although we haven't been physical, but we are lover in many ways. Again I didn't ask him in what ways because I don't want to get carry away and overanalyse every word he said to me. I just want to enjoy and go with the flow! That's all I want now with Chris 😄!

Cancelled & Deleted

Finally, the last linked I had to Peter Wittendorp is gone forever. I cancelled the subscription to the email that brought him into my life and caused so much headaches and  shitstorm to me no longer exist. The email address was wiped out without a trace. I guess it is a good thing as together with the deletion of the email address, whatever memories I still have of us will be deleted from my own memory bank too. 

Anyway, it is really time to move on and not think back anymore. I had also deleted and blocked his handphone number from my phone. But I still do remember his number as it is still ingrained in my memory bank. Now I still remember, but 1 day I won't be anymore. I still keep some of the SMSes and whatsapp messages, but I don't read back anymore. I just leave it there. Maybe 1 day when I read back I will not feel anything anymore and treat it like rubbish to be deleted. At this moment, I just want to keep it. 

Will I post it up here? I don't know. I really don't know yet. If 1 day I feel like doing so, I will. If not, then I won't. Only time will reveal my decision. 

Just glad that I cancelled the subscription and the email address was removed by the provider! Chapter closed!

Chris Went MIA

Been very busy lately hence didn't have a chance to update my blog until now. Chris went MIA for 2 days this week and I just let him be. He told me he had guest in town. I mirrored his actions and waited for him to reach out. Although I missed our daily messages, but I was adamant not to be the first one to reach out to him. I wanted to know if he missed me too. So after 2 full days of silent form my end, he whatsapp me and told me he missed our exchanges. I knew he would missed our chats and messages. I just wanted to see how long it would take him to reach out.

With Chris, there is a feeling of familiarity, like an old friend although we have only known each other for over a month. Is an easy feeling. But also a feeling of excitement and enjoyment. He is one hell of a writer. Writing what he wrote can turns any woman on. Hahaha!

Like I said, Chris inspires and stimulates me into thinking more creatively and by doing so I'm able to see things more clearly and vividly. I have a feeling we can be friends for long-term. I will share some of the messages Chris wrote to me in the near future 😉! It was relaxing and entertaining to read his messages after a long and busy day at work.

He is definitely an interesting lover to have. Will see.

Ironic

" I give people outmost respect" - to hear this statement uttered by people who are cheating or cheated on their wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend is ironic and laughable! How can one give utmost respect to other people when he/she can't even give the basic respect to his/her wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend???

Seriously, how can a cheater gives people the utmost respect or expect respect in return? I only give respect to people who show me the same level of respect or someone who is truly deserves of my respect. If a person treats me with disrespect, then he/she must be prepared to receive the same from me without whining and complaining that I'm being disrespectful to him/her.

I rarely lost respect for someone, but it happened. And it is really hard to give back the same level of respect to the person that I didn't respect anymore. Once is gone, is gone. If a cheater tells you that he/she still respects you and everyone else, take it with a grain of salt and don't believe it. It isn't possible to give utmost respect to everyone because some people just don't deserve it!! 

A husband who cheated on his wife doesn't respect her and their marriage. And a wife who  continues to stay with the cheater husband is disrespecting herself the most. So to hear this people telling me that they give utmost respect to people, the irony is just too obvious to ignore. 

And one cannot give respects to other people when one doesn't knows how to respect people they love! Anyway, just my opinions and I have nothing against anyone. I just find it ironic to hear someone telling me that he gives utmost respect to people when I know he is disrespecting his wife with his cheating behaviour. 

One cannot expect respects from others when one doesn't first respects himself or herself!

Intoxicated by Chris 😍

Chris working hours are so irregular that it makes it hard for us to chat and talk at the same time. Today he had to wake up at 5am to get to work. The life of a pilot not as glamorous as I thought. But it didn't stop us from leaving messages for each other if we weren't able to find the right timing to talk. 2 days ago, I was very busy hence I didn't contact him at all. I also wanted to give myself some space from this lovership as I don't want to become too attach to him. And he messaged me to tell me he missed my vibes 😀! Is his way of telling he missed me. 

Yesterday I had more time so we managed to spend sometime chatting and later in the night he sent me long steamy messages to convey his desires for me. Haha. 

Seriously, he can write!!!! Our mental level and wit are very similar and compatible! He said I'm yin to his yang 😝! And then he told me I'm his cup of tea. This was the 3rd time he said that to me! If only he doesn't lives and works so far away, I believe we will have a blast enjoying each other company. But too bad. Life doesn't always give us what we want! So for now I will enjoy what I can have 😉!

He intoxicated my mind with his mental energy. He is the best by far. We inspired and stimulated each other mentally. I truly enjoy him. He adds to my happiness quotient 😁! And drama free. No emotional roller coaster rides! 

He lulled me to sleep every night with his wants and desires for me and us! No matter what happen to us in the future, I will always remember him. Maybe 1 day I will post an excerpt what he wrote to me! But for now I want to keep it to myself and savour him! Haha!

Oh oh I forgot to mention his voice is soothing, husky and alluring!! I love it! The sound of his laugh was like music to my ears 👻😁!!

I told him he can makes a lot of women fall for him, but I won't be one of them! Have yet to get his reply. Wonder what is he going to say 😁! 

Don't know why we crossed path and what's his role in my life yet. Is he really the yang to my yin as he said?? 

Captain Cool Makes Me Happy

I stayed up until 5am yesterday to chat with Chris because of our time difference. We texted each other for almost 2 hours and I had a blast. Our mental energy and wavelength are very similar and our fantasy exchanged were great. We took turned to tell each other what we wanted to do and we never missed a beat. He made me laughed a lot. Even now I have a silly grin on my face just thinking about the contents of our chat.

I feel very comfortable with him. We are very upfront with each other and we are cleared what we want out of each other so no ambiguity. He enjoys giving and receiving attention from me and so do I 😆😆!  Chris wrote to me the following,

"I felt good about you. I don't know of any logical explanation as to how but I feel a good energy about you, there is an air of trust, comfort and a promise of incredible discovery with you."

Just today alone, he had checked in 3x - afternoon, evening and just now 😆😆! He told me he has to work tonight till late so he won't be able to chat with me. But he will try to check in whenever he can. Haha. So sweet of him. Oh, oh, he even sent a dedicated song to me this afternoon to make my day brighter 😂! The song was "Grease" and it was totally unexpected!! It is actually nice to have an uncomplicated lovership. Yes, yes, he is very far from me, but is ok. We have an understanding. My life still goes on as usual. My options are still open, but at the same time we will just enjoy each other and go with the flow. Not forcing anything to happen. Which is fine by me because I'm not looking for anything permanent right now. I just want to enjoy and invest some of my time with people, like Chris, that put a silly grin on my face. Hahaha.

Before he signed off, he told me he had a silly grin on his face at that moment and I asked him why? He said I made him laughed. I replied him I'm a comedian 😂😂! And I did a hocus pocus on him.....I told him to think of me. He replied, "Doh 😀😀"

Because he is Asian, he would mixed in a few words of Malay, Hokkien and Cantonese when he texted me. It was funny to read that, but I also feel a closeness to him because there were some words best expressed in other dialect than English and he could understand without the need for me to translate. For the 1st time I actually enjoy a lovership with an Asian man who is also a  Malaysian. Freaking unbelievable and awesome at the same time because Chris is really different than the typical Malaysian or Asian men. I enjoy his company tremendously! The best part is he made me feels happy.

I have a feeling we will last for awhile 😍😉!!

Mental Addiction

Yesterday morning I wrote a fantasy and I asked Chris to continue where I left off to see if he was able to follow my train of thoughts and he didn't failed me 😈! But it could be more descriptive and detailed. Haha. Nevertheless, it was still a good one. At least I got to find out that we are on the same wavelength and he can meet my wits and craziness 😂😂! Not to mention the fact that he brought back out the very cheeky and naughty side of me that was suppressed for 14 months. He unleashed it and I'm very happy it was him because he is definitely a very compatible match, at least mentally!

I told him that it is dangerous for me if I'm mentally addicted to him. And his replied, "There's no excitement without danger and there can't be mystique without distance".

I asked if he enjoys my wits and he said totally. He said,"Where have you been all my life 😄". I answered him, "Hidden as a gem to be discovered by the right man 😂😂". 

Me: I think I might be a match to you!! Haha. Chris: I think so 😊

I find mental addiction as potent as a drug although I haven't try any kinds of drugs nor do I want to try. I'm a sucker for a man who are mentally compatible to me. And it isn't easy to meet one hence when I do I have a tendency to be addicted to his brain and I will find him attractive and hot even though he might be average looking only. 

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the mental games Chris and I are engaging in at the moment. I'm not looking for anything serious at this moment as I'm not ready to fall in love after pulling myself out of the deep holes. I want a fun, carefree and drama free part-time lovership. And I think Chris can gives it to me since he is based in Middle East due to his job. I'm not going to think too much, but just enjoy the flirting, teasing, mental stimulation and great conversation 😎!!

Am really glad and happy that he appeared in my life to show me that I should widen my horizon because life is full of surprises. I'm so happy and excited to have my old self back and to enjoy Chris's company while it last 😆! Thank you Captain Chris!!

Short Attention Span

All my best friends know that I have a short attention span when it comes to men. If they aren't interesting I won't give them the time of my day. And even if they were interesting in the beginning, they still need to have a good sense of wit and humour to keep me interested to want to find out more about them. Hence they were surprised when I gave 2 years of attention to a particular someone. But that was in the past.

My old self is back and this means if a man can't hold my interest past 3 months, then the potential of him being a lover is zero. Friend, YES! But lover, NO!! I will not waste my time on men that don't add value and happiness to my life. And I think 3 months are a fair timeline to know if I want to continue to invest my time and energy in the man or not. And if the man can't hold my interests past 3 months, it is a red flag to me because I get bored easily. If the man I like is only 1 dimensional, then forget about it. I'm not in a hurry to be in  a relationship. I don't mind being single and having my picks.

When I first started chatting with Phil, he came across as interesting as he was able to match my wits and was humorous too. But last few days, I began to lose interest in him. It is still pleasant to chat with him, but I began to notice he is one dimensional. The topics are almost the same on a daily basis and sometimes the lack of it. Hence I'm slowing down in my daily chats with Phil.

I didn't feel the initial sparks anymore. But I'm not writing him off yet. We have a pact if we both get tired of chatting with each other we will inform and not ghost on each other. I will keep it open for now until I meet him in person. And only after that I will know for sure if we have sparks and chemistry. So for now, I'm going to take it slow. Beside I'm very busy with work too. So priority is my work.

As for Chris, I still find him interesting, intriguing and mysterious 😎😉! Therefore, he still has my attention for now. Haha

Inspired and stimulated by Chris

It was almost 14 months since I last wrote about a fantasy and this morning was the 1st time I was inspired and stimulated to write again. And I have to thank Chris for it. He challenged and stimulated me to feel the passion in me alive again. I can feel my creativity and imagination returning to my mind for the 1st time this morning. I was so happy and ecstatic that I have finally regained back part of an old self of me that I thought was lost forever after the brouhaha with Peter Wittendorp. But when Chris crossed my path, I was being stirred and reminded of the part of me that I had dimmed it for 14 months.

I don't know how long Chris will be in my path nor do I want to think and wonder as my life journey isn't tie to a particular person. Our life journey is just like driving a bus....there will be different people who board and got off the bus at different stops and only a few will ride with us to the last stop. We can't force people to stay on the bus and ask them to miss their destination because then they will be pissed off and angry at us for preventing them to go on with their life. Same as people who come and go in our life. When their time is up in our life, we need to let them go. I know is hard because it was hard for me to let go of Peter Wittendorp, but time did helped to heal me. I can't say I'm 100% healed yet, but is getting there.

Maybe that's why the universe sent Phil & Chris into my life. Haha. To show and remind me of all the options that are still available out there and not holding on to someone who doesn't wants to stay. And I'm happy to have Phil and Chris appeared in my life journey irregardless of the length of their stay. I learned how to appreciate and enjoy the moment rather than worry about the future especially when I can't predict the future.

As of now, I enjoy Chris's company a lot, but because of our distance I think at most we will just be friends who are comfortable to tease and flirt with each other. He is probably a good chat companion. Haha. Doesn't matter what role he is playing or continue to play in my life now or in the future. What matters now is I'm enjoying myself chatting and messaging him and he managed to stimulate and inspire me to write on a topic that I haven't wrote for almost 14 months 😆! That's all that matter to me at this moment!! 

Thank you Chris 😘!

Chris, An Exception

As per my title, Chris is really an exception to the type of men I typically liked and attracted to. I prefer Caucasians men over Asians men mainly because I feel more mentally compatible with Caucasians men than Asian men. But Chris has shown me that if I keep my eyes open and willing to give it a try, I might be able to meet an Asian man who can be mentally compatible to me. He really caught me by surprised. Never in a million years that I would think I would be attracted to an Asian man, let alone a fellow Malaysian 😵😂!

To be honest, I'm really surprised at myself because of my attraction to Chris. He cracked me up with his witty remarks and stimulated me mentally. I never thought I would said this, but if he lives in KL I wouldn't mind dating him. Haha yes, I wouldn't mind dating Chris. I like a man who can mentally stimulates me and keeps me on my toes 😝😂! And he can. Not to mention the fact that we share a few likings and similarities. He is sapiosexual....meaning he is sexually attracted to intelligence and human mind before appearance. Same as me. As mentioned in my 1st post, we both enjoy watching the rain and I'm also an exception for him as he prefers Caucasians women over Asian women. Hahaha......it was so eerie when he told me that before I told him why he was an exception. 

Seriously, sometimes we won't know what the universe has in store for us and what kind of journey we will get to experience. We can only keep an open mind and an open heart. Chris told me that he finds me very attractive, refreshing and has a nice face. And he also knows I like to be teased 😂😂!! He is really really good with words and we both enjoy mental stimulation a lot. Oh he also said I look elegant and sexy. 

I have to remind myself not to get addicted to chatting with him as we live too far apart so at most we will only be just chat pals. Haha. Oh well, at least I have him to make me laugh and mentally stimulate me. Chris is someone who appeared in my life unexpectedly and he kinda opened my eyes to dating an Asian man like him. I really don't mind. I think it will be fun and exciting 😎!

Who knows what the future is going to be or will bring to me. For now I'm just going to enjoy the flow and chatting with him.