How to apologise like a Grownup
Monday, May 30, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Blog name change
Stupid me.....now only thought of changing my blog's name and hide my identity so that I couldn't be found so easily by my internet harasser! I should had done that earlier, but I didn't think of doing so. Dumb, dumb me! A bit late, but at least I thought of it now! Is like playing cat and mouse game!
I think I should get some peace from now onwards. Fingers crossed. Beside my internet harasser, I also don't want that person to be able to read my blog any more. Not that I'm afraid to let that person reads what I wrote, I just want to cut all my connections to this person entirely. Knowing that this person still reads my posts doesn't allows me to have a clean cut from this person. I actually feel bad for sharing about our experienced publicly now that I had calmed down and on the last stage of forgiving. I actually wanted to apologise to that person when this person doesn't deserves it at all. I know I'm an idiot when dealing with this person.
Anyway, all I can say is I feel a huge relief now. I don't feel like I'm a victim anymore. Is good to be able to have a clean break and start anew! Hallelujah!!
Updated on 26.6.16
I had to change my blog name again as I noticed some weird html link. And a sudden activity from Singapore, where Peter Wittendorp live. I'm not sure if he or someone else had found my blog again. Anyway just as precaution I decided to change my blog address again. Haha.....I feel like I'm an internet fugitive running away from an invincible someone. LOL!
Updated on 28.6.16
I changed my blog address again after I foolishly reached out to Peter and gave him my blog address. At that moment I wanted him to read my posts, but then I decided I didn't want to because I think it is pointless. Hence I changed the name again. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to change.
Updated on 5.7.16
I'm not going to change my blog name and address anymore. Very tiresome to keep changing so that I won't be harassed. But I have enough of playing hide and seek so I'm going to let it be. Not going to waste time with the idiot out there.
I had to change my blog name again as I noticed some weird html link. And a sudden activity from Singapore, where Peter Wittendorp live. I'm not sure if he or someone else had found my blog again. Anyway just as precaution I decided to change my blog address again. Haha.....I feel like I'm an internet fugitive running away from an invincible someone. LOL!
Updated on 28.6.16
I changed my blog address again after I foolishly reached out to Peter and gave him my blog address. At that moment I wanted him to read my posts, but then I decided I didn't want to because I think it is pointless. Hence I changed the name again. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to change.
Updated on 5.7.16
I'm not going to change my blog name and address anymore. Very tiresome to keep changing so that I won't be harassed. But I have enough of playing hide and seek so I'm going to let it be. Not going to waste time with the idiot out there.
I'm a 100% LEO
Hahaha.....is true! If someone steps on my toes repetitively and do not apologise, I will definitely turn into a bitch.
Oh hell ya! I'm not the type of woman who will sit idly and pretend everything is ok when it isn't. An Ace will be an Ace!
Yup it happened before and normally I would apologise, but whatever I wrote about my experienced with that person, I don't and won't regret writing about it. Keeping our secrets for so long and dealing with that person selfishness and accusation, was the last straw for me.
Hahahaha.........so true!
Yup is definitely ME!
Well, what's the point of saying I'm going to do something, but never actually doing it. I will never threaten, but instead just honour my own words to myself!
Well, if I'm royally pissed off I will take actions that are not beneficial for all parties involve. And if my ego and pride are involved, then it will be harder for me to stay calm. I will just react to a threat or accusation just to spike the person.
Ya.....very true. I gave many chances, but eventually enough will be enough and once a liar, always a liar. Just like my mum. And now that person whom I used to think as the right man for me!
Audiences
I was going thru the stats for my blog and notices that I had a lot of audiences from far flung countries such as Burma, Hungary, Russia, Slovenia, Egypt and even Oman, which I never expected. The top 3 countries were USA, Malaysia and Singapore. But the last few days I saw a lot of my audiences came from SG and HK. A 60 page views in an hour from SG, that was the highest recorded and it made me wondered why the sudden interests in my blog. Not that it matters since my blog is make public and besides everything I had written were facts about my life and things I had experienced. It is solely all about my feelings, thoughts and views.....there are no right or wrong because everyone has his/her own interpretation.
How people perceive of think of me after they had read what I wrote is beyond my control and beside I really don't care. Life is too short and unpredictable to care too much. There will always be haters irregardless so why bother with those haters. I'm not perfect and never will. I have never try to pretend to be someone that I'm not and I never hide any parts of my life. Most of my friends know stories about me including my experienced with that person. They know that person identity and even seen the pic of that person. Anyway, not writing anymore about that person as promised.
So coming back to my audiences. I'm really curious to know why the sudden spike in my audiences from SG and HK in the past few days. Anyway.....a curiosity that will never be answered. So it will always remain as a mystery to me.
Oh well......whatever.
Update on 22.6.16
Hmmm.......I just checked my stats and noticed that today I had a lot of readers from Singapore. Weird. Really weird. The last time I had a lot of readers from SG was before I changed the name of my blog. After that, my readers were mostly from US and small number from Europe. Definitely no SG. What's going on? I hope it isn't what I'm thinking is happening. Anyway, not going to dwell on it. Just an observation.
How people perceive of think of me after they had read what I wrote is beyond my control and beside I really don't care. Life is too short and unpredictable to care too much. There will always be haters irregardless so why bother with those haters. I'm not perfect and never will. I have never try to pretend to be someone that I'm not and I never hide any parts of my life. Most of my friends know stories about me including my experienced with that person. They know that person identity and even seen the pic of that person. Anyway, not writing anymore about that person as promised.
So coming back to my audiences. I'm really curious to know why the sudden spike in my audiences from SG and HK in the past few days. Anyway.....a curiosity that will never be answered. So it will always remain as a mystery to me.
Oh well......whatever.
Update on 22.6.16
Hmmm.......I just checked my stats and noticed that today I had a lot of readers from Singapore. Weird. Really weird. The last time I had a lot of readers from SG was before I changed the name of my blog. After that, my readers were mostly from US and small number from Europe. Definitely no SG. What's going on? I hope it isn't what I'm thinking is happening. Anyway, not going to dwell on it. Just an observation.
Boudoir Photoshoot
On July 3, I did a boudoir photoshoot to commemorate turning 40 last August 2015. It was my 2nd photoshoot. The 1st one was done inside a studio and the recent one was done at my home. I had always wanted to do a boudoir photoshoot because I wanted to see myself thru the eyes of a professional photographer. The 1st photoshoot was kinda of a warm up for me as it was the 1st time I had my photos taken by professional. I was a bit stiffed and it took me longer to let loose. It was very tiring because it lasted almost 5 hours. Total pics took were around 600+, but only about 7% were good after some minor touched up. We took 3 sets with 3 different looks. I'm not suitable for heavy make up. Natural is more my style :-)!
So why Boudoir for my 2nd photoshoot? It was 1 of the items in my bucket lists and I wanted to celebrate and embrace turning 40 years old (in 2015) in a memorable way. It is a new decade, new chapter and new journey for me, hence I should celebrate it in a big way. Beside, I look and feel great at 40 years old so why not captured it while I still have it :-)! Ya, I know it sounded a bit vain and cocky at the same time. hahaha! That's me so why hide it.
So was I nervous during the photoshoot? Actually no. I was a bit stiff in the beginning as I hadn't warm up yet, but after 30mins I was posing happily and very comfortable in my own skin. I felt like a model and had full confident and trust in my photographer that the photos would turned out great and it would look tasteful and beautiful.
I changed 3-4 costumes and my condo was the background of the shoot. This time we spent about 4 hours plus, but more photos were taken. Over 800+ copies were shot and 10% out of it were just beautiful with minor filters touched up only.
I was very happy and satisfied with the boudoir photoshoot because when I looked at the entire collection, a story was unfolding in front of my eyes. My own life story. I came a long way and I feel bless to be at this stage in my life. Not perfect and I don't have everything in life, but is ok. I have a life well lived. I have family who love me. I'm surrounded by good friends and good hearted people. I have both financial freedom and freedom of choices so I will consider myself to be truly bless.
And not to forget I have the guts to do what I want. Taking boudoir photoshoot was actually accepting myself for who I'm, all the beautiful and ugly sides of me and also a testament to myself that I'm comfortable in my own skin and happy with my body even though it isn't perfect. Haha!!
I highly recommend women to do at least 1 boudoir photoshoot in your lifetime irregardless of your body shape because doing a boudoir photoshoot isn't about showcasing your body, it is about embracing who you are as an individual. If you feel beautiful, the camera will capture it. If you are a happy person, you will radiate thru the lens.
Photos can't lie. Yes, you can touch up to make it look perfect, but you can't create happy and radiant pictures if you don't feel it. A picture paints a thousand words. Very true.
BE BRAVE, BE BOLD & BE YOURSELF!
So was I nervous during the photoshoot? Actually no. I was a bit stiff in the beginning as I hadn't warm up yet, but after 30mins I was posing happily and very comfortable in my own skin. I felt like a model and had full confident and trust in my photographer that the photos would turned out great and it would look tasteful and beautiful.
I changed 3-4 costumes and my condo was the background of the shoot. This time we spent about 4 hours plus, but more photos were taken. Over 800+ copies were shot and 10% out of it were just beautiful with minor filters touched up only.
I was very happy and satisfied with the boudoir photoshoot because when I looked at the entire collection, a story was unfolding in front of my eyes. My own life story. I came a long way and I feel bless to be at this stage in my life. Not perfect and I don't have everything in life, but is ok. I have a life well lived. I have family who love me. I'm surrounded by good friends and good hearted people. I have both financial freedom and freedom of choices so I will consider myself to be truly bless.
And not to forget I have the guts to do what I want. Taking boudoir photoshoot was actually accepting myself for who I'm, all the beautiful and ugly sides of me and also a testament to myself that I'm comfortable in my own skin and happy with my body even though it isn't perfect. Haha!!
I highly recommend women to do at least 1 boudoir photoshoot in your lifetime irregardless of your body shape because doing a boudoir photoshoot isn't about showcasing your body, it is about embracing who you are as an individual. If you feel beautiful, the camera will capture it. If you are a happy person, you will radiate thru the lens.
Photos can't lie. Yes, you can touch up to make it look perfect, but you can't create happy and radiant pictures if you don't feel it. A picture paints a thousand words. Very true.
BE BRAVE, BE BOLD & BE YOURSELF!
My Traveler's Blog
For those who wants to know some of the great places I had visited can checkout my Traveler's blogspot http://freespiritedtravelogue.blogspot.com/
I will post more photos to share with my readers soon...... :-)
I will post more photos to share with my readers soon...... :-)
My week
Been so busy last few days that I was too tired to write any new posts. I'm also slightly stress out due to work, biz and personal issues. I went for my facial yesterday afternoon and my therapist asked me if I'm feeling stress lately because she said my face looks tired. She told me to relax a bit. I told her I will. I'm actually lack of sleep as I have to get up early to work. Couple with the issue of selling my restaurant.....which is still pending after almost 6 weeks, it really put a strain on my mind. The korean buyer is really difficult to handle and I'm praying hard that we can get him to sign the SPA by next week. I just wish to wrap up this up asap. I hate things hanging in mid-air!
I also hate people, especially men who prefer assuming rather than ask or prefer me to guess than be upfront and tell me what they need! If women, I can understand. But men, I just can't tolerate. I'm a straightforward and upfront person so it is really hard for me to comprehend when men start to behave like women! Unbelievable! Anyway, praying really hard it will be signed off soon!
Work wise not much issues, in fact, lots of happy surprises. Although there was a small rubbish issue that I had to take care of, but it didn't affect me much. An inconvenient, but it was resolved.
Anyway......a short post for now as I'm not very motivated to write lately. Mentally and physically tired = can't think. Hahaha!
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
My private blog
I have another blog which I started about 6-7 years ago and it is currently dormant because there are too much stuffs in the blog that are very private thoughts. I just logged in to checkout some of my older posts and I saw that I wrote a lot about that person and I .......mostly my feelings for that person, what he did to me in the earlier stages and etc. A lot of my secrets were disclosed in that private blog including that person full identity. It will always be private. There is a latest open message I wrote to the person, but that person will never reads it because it will never be published. That person actually knows about this private blog as he had read a few of the posts previously before it became private last year. But doubt that person remember my blog's name and beside no one can read anything except me. I read thru some of my posts in my private blog and it can never be revealed. I forgot I had saved some very telling information in my private blog until I read back. Anyway, it is very private so it should be safe.
So what are in the open message? Hmmm..........I prefer to keep it private to myself. Nothing nasty or condemning. Anyway......I will leave it as it is. To be honest, I didn't read any of my old posts about that person as I don't think it will do me any good. There are a lot of things I couldn't figure out, but I'm not going to waste my time trying because I will never know the answers. That person will bring the truth to the grave with him and only him alone will know the answers. I'm at peace with myself, with the knowledge of not knowing the truth. Is not worth it.......that person isn't worth it even as a friend. A person who intentionally used another person to satisfy oneself is just pure selfish and heartless. Maybe other people could tolerate or lucky than me as they never have to experience what I went thru for the past 2 years. Ok.....no more writing about that person. I want to keep my zen and I don't want to say any harsh things about that person anymore. So topic ends..... :-)
So what are in the open message? Hmmm..........I prefer to keep it private to myself. Nothing nasty or condemning. Anyway......I will leave it as it is. To be honest, I didn't read any of my old posts about that person as I don't think it will do me any good. There are a lot of things I couldn't figure out, but I'm not going to waste my time trying because I will never know the answers. That person will bring the truth to the grave with him and only him alone will know the answers. I'm at peace with myself, with the knowledge of not knowing the truth. Is not worth it.......that person isn't worth it even as a friend. A person who intentionally used another person to satisfy oneself is just pure selfish and heartless. Maybe other people could tolerate or lucky than me as they never have to experience what I went thru for the past 2 years. Ok.....no more writing about that person. I want to keep my zen and I don't want to say any harsh things about that person anymore. So topic ends..... :-)
Monday, May 16, 2016
What's the meaning of life? (Posted on 29 October 2012)
The following post was taken from my the other blog and it was posted on 29 October 2012.
I think I would like to write about the same topic again because I'm sure my outlook on what's the meaning of life will be very different from 3.5 years ago.
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Sometimes I couldn't help wondering what's life all about? Why are we brought to this planet earth? What are we supposed to do while we are here and alive?? Are we supposed to live each day as a survivor until our time is up and die or are we supposed to live a more meaningful life?? If we are supposed to live a meaningful life, then we need to understand the meaning of life and why we were borne and put on this planet earth??
Personally I'm searching for the meaning of life. At least for the meaning of my own life. I'm trying to search for the meaning of life so that I can live a more fulfill life. it is actually quite meaningless to just eat, sleep, work and repeat the same cycle on a daily basis until I die!!! I didn't have a great childhood, but that didn't turn me into a bitter person. I'm very positive about life, but I find myself at this cross road where I'm questioning myself on how I want to live the remainder journey of my life.
I'm really curious to find out why God created us and put us on this earth. It must have reasons and what are the reasons? Are the reasons the same for each and everyone of us?? Personally I don't think the reasons are the same for each and everyone and I think some are lucky enough to find the true meaning of life and some don't and will never ever find out. I think 80% of the population don't have a clue their purpose in life. I'm wondering if I would be lucky enough to find out the true meaning of my life on this planet!!!
I don't want my time on this planet to be just a long-term guest that come and go without contributing back to the society. I really don't want my life to be about work and making money only because then my life is not very meaningful. I'm not saying that making money is meaningless and having $$$$ is not a good thing, but at certain point in my life money isn't everything for me anymore. I need money to maintain my lifestyle, hence I'm still working my butts off trying to make as much $$$$$ as possible and in the shortest time possible, if I can :-)!!!
If someone asks me today what I want from my life or how I want to spend the rest of my life, I can answer the person surely that working until the age of 55 isn't in my book at all. Helping the needy, especially the children is definitely in my book. The one thing that I really want to spend my time doing when my financial situation is more stable and I don't need to worry about how to pay off my debts. If I could, I would want to open an orphanage. I'm a staunch believer that children is our future and they should be given a chance to make it in this world. I'm not a saint, I couldn't help all the underprivileged children, but I would do my best to help as much as I could.
If I'm truthful to myself, something is missing from my life right now and I couldn't pinpoint what is the thing that is missing from my life. I know it isn't a man because I don't think having a man in my life will complete me. It is also nothing to do with luxury goods because owning it doesn't satisfy me as much as a few years ago when I first started owning it. Nowadays when I spent money it was because I felt like spending and not because I really want it. I know is unhealthy, but I need to fill the missing 'thing' until I could figure out what is missing from my life or the true meaning of my life.
I asked a friend and he didn't give me any useful insights at all so I'm still at square one. About 2 hours ago I read a story about a successful Dr who made millions by the age of 40 and he thought he was at the top of the world because he could afford anything and everything he wanted, but then out of the blue, he was diagnosed with stage 4B lung cancer. No signs whatsoever. It was a minor checkup and it turned out to be the biggest shocked and surprised of his life. He mentioned he neglected God when he was at his peak and on top of the world and he thought it was solely his own efforts that got him to where he was. He didn't believe in God. But at the end he had too as well because God showed him that he wasn't a superman. Whatever he had were given by God.
He made a statement "to be happy, is to be successful. And to be successful, is to be wealthy." He lived by this motto until he was diagnosed with stage 4B cancer. I think I'm luckier than him because I realized much earlier than him that happiness doesn't comes from being successful and wealthy. It comes from within myself and my satisfaction and appreciation of all the things I have in life. I'm also luckier than him because I know for a fact that whatever I have today are given by God and without God's blessing I might not get to where I am today and having a nice lifestyle. That's why I really want to find out the meaning of life, at least the meaning of life for me!!!!
I asked a few more friends and got some views from them. Most of them didn't think about what is the meaning of life meant to them? But 1 thing for sure is that they are helping people in their own way :-)!! It was actually interesting to hear their stories and honestly I'm so happy that they are my friends. They are the new friends I made during my recent HK trip when I attended my gf's wedding. I was the maid of honor and they were the bridesmaids and groomsmen. I thought people in HK are too busy with making money and their own life to be able to find time to do charity, but I was wrong. I'm happy to be wronged this time :-)!! haha!
After thinking deeper and more thoroughly, I think I have found what I want to do in the 2nd part of my life journey - to set up a charity foundation so that I can help more people in need. And to leave an imprint on earth after I have died. Anyway this is just my wishful thinking!!
What I hope to achieve now is to understand the meaning of life?? Wish me luck! And I would also like to wish all my readers the best of luck in trying to find out their own meaning of life :-)!
Please share with me if anyone out there knows the meaning of life because it will help me greatly to understand better. Thanks in advance.
I think I would like to write about the same topic again because I'm sure my outlook on what's the meaning of life will be very different from 3.5 years ago.
*************************************************************************
Sometimes I couldn't help wondering what's life all about? Why are we brought to this planet earth? What are we supposed to do while we are here and alive?? Are we supposed to live each day as a survivor until our time is up and die or are we supposed to live a more meaningful life?? If we are supposed to live a meaningful life, then we need to understand the meaning of life and why we were borne and put on this planet earth??
Personally I'm searching for the meaning of life. At least for the meaning of my own life. I'm trying to search for the meaning of life so that I can live a more fulfill life. it is actually quite meaningless to just eat, sleep, work and repeat the same cycle on a daily basis until I die!!! I didn't have a great childhood, but that didn't turn me into a bitter person. I'm very positive about life, but I find myself at this cross road where I'm questioning myself on how I want to live the remainder journey of my life.
I'm really curious to find out why God created us and put us on this earth. It must have reasons and what are the reasons? Are the reasons the same for each and everyone of us?? Personally I don't think the reasons are the same for each and everyone and I think some are lucky enough to find the true meaning of life and some don't and will never ever find out. I think 80% of the population don't have a clue their purpose in life. I'm wondering if I would be lucky enough to find out the true meaning of my life on this planet!!!
I don't want my time on this planet to be just a long-term guest that come and go without contributing back to the society. I really don't want my life to be about work and making money only because then my life is not very meaningful. I'm not saying that making money is meaningless and having $$$$ is not a good thing, but at certain point in my life money isn't everything for me anymore. I need money to maintain my lifestyle, hence I'm still working my butts off trying to make as much $$$$$ as possible and in the shortest time possible, if I can :-)!!!
If someone asks me today what I want from my life or how I want to spend the rest of my life, I can answer the person surely that working until the age of 55 isn't in my book at all. Helping the needy, especially the children is definitely in my book. The one thing that I really want to spend my time doing when my financial situation is more stable and I don't need to worry about how to pay off my debts. If I could, I would want to open an orphanage. I'm a staunch believer that children is our future and they should be given a chance to make it in this world. I'm not a saint, I couldn't help all the underprivileged children, but I would do my best to help as much as I could.
If I'm truthful to myself, something is missing from my life right now and I couldn't pinpoint what is the thing that is missing from my life. I know it isn't a man because I don't think having a man in my life will complete me. It is also nothing to do with luxury goods because owning it doesn't satisfy me as much as a few years ago when I first started owning it. Nowadays when I spent money it was because I felt like spending and not because I really want it. I know is unhealthy, but I need to fill the missing 'thing' until I could figure out what is missing from my life or the true meaning of my life.
I asked a friend and he didn't give me any useful insights at all so I'm still at square one. About 2 hours ago I read a story about a successful Dr who made millions by the age of 40 and he thought he was at the top of the world because he could afford anything and everything he wanted, but then out of the blue, he was diagnosed with stage 4B lung cancer. No signs whatsoever. It was a minor checkup and it turned out to be the biggest shocked and surprised of his life. He mentioned he neglected God when he was at his peak and on top of the world and he thought it was solely his own efforts that got him to where he was. He didn't believe in God. But at the end he had too as well because God showed him that he wasn't a superman. Whatever he had were given by God.
He made a statement "to be happy, is to be successful. And to be successful, is to be wealthy." He lived by this motto until he was diagnosed with stage 4B cancer. I think I'm luckier than him because I realized much earlier than him that happiness doesn't comes from being successful and wealthy. It comes from within myself and my satisfaction and appreciation of all the things I have in life. I'm also luckier than him because I know for a fact that whatever I have today are given by God and without God's blessing I might not get to where I am today and having a nice lifestyle. That's why I really want to find out the meaning of life, at least the meaning of life for me!!!!
I asked a few more friends and got some views from them. Most of them didn't think about what is the meaning of life meant to them? But 1 thing for sure is that they are helping people in their own way :-)!! It was actually interesting to hear their stories and honestly I'm so happy that they are my friends. They are the new friends I made during my recent HK trip when I attended my gf's wedding. I was the maid of honor and they were the bridesmaids and groomsmen. I thought people in HK are too busy with making money and their own life to be able to find time to do charity, but I was wrong. I'm happy to be wronged this time :-)!! haha!
After thinking deeper and more thoroughly, I think I have found what I want to do in the 2nd part of my life journey - to set up a charity foundation so that I can help more people in need. And to leave an imprint on earth after I have died. Anyway this is just my wishful thinking!!
What I hope to achieve now is to understand the meaning of life?? Wish me luck! And I would also like to wish all my readers the best of luck in trying to find out their own meaning of life :-)!
Please share with me if anyone out there knows the meaning of life because it will help me greatly to understand better. Thanks in advance.
Reflection
Below is one of the post from my other blog that is not available to the public since last year due to a request from a particular someone. I don't want to make the blog public because there are more than 736 posts in this blog dated back 6-7 years ago.
But I want to share some of my thoughts and views hence I cut and paste it into my present blog. Hope you guys enjoy reading
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The heading and content of this post is quite poignant. Something major happened that didn't affect me directly, but somehow it does affect me indirectly as I can't stop reflecting on my life. MH370, a flight from KL - Beijing went missing on March 8, 2014 without a trace. In the plane, there were 239 passengers plus crews and pilots all vanished without a trace right now. Been more than 1 day trying to locate the plane, but still no luck. Right now the plane situation is like the myth about Bermuda Triangle. Vanished without a trace. The hope of finding any survivors is zero, but yet until the plane is found and the passengers are accounted for everyone is still hoping for miracle, including myself. Hope is what keeps everyone alive and functioning.
This incident is making me reflecting about my life again, how I want to live my life and how honest I should be with myself??? Life is full of surprises and unexpected events. Some good, some bad and some mediocre, but no matter what I should not take my life for granted thinking that I'll have another minute or hours or days or years to do what I want to do or say what I want to say. I don't want to have any regrets in my life. But yet is easy to say than done. I'm living the life I want and speak my mind most of the times, but yet there are times I still need to hold my tongue so that I don't come across as too forward and scare people away. It frustrates me when people don't understand why I don't like to waste my time. To them, I have a lot of time so what's the hurry?? But the truth is no one can tells me how much time I have on this earth so instead of taking it for granted I choose to live every minute as best as I could. It frustrates me when I can't tell a guy directly that I like him more than a friend. It irritates me when I have to play the guessing game about "he likes me, he likes me not!!!!" Why must it be so draggy?? And why must I be called needy or desperate just because I'm daring enough to tell someone I like him more than a friend???
I can't help wondering what went thru the mind of those people inside the plane when they knew they were going to die?? What kind of emotions they experienced?? Disbelieved, despair, denial, helplessness, hopelessness, regrets and panic?? If I know I have to die, I would prefer to die a sudden death where I wouldn't even have 1 minute to reflect back on my life. I don't want to have a chance to think and wish that God gives me another chance in life or that I should have done this and that!! I seriously don't want to leave this world with regrets. Hence I'm trying my very best to be as open and honest with myself as possible.
I think everyone has to constantly reflect on our life so that we can correct our weaknesses and improve on our strengths and live our life to the fullest potential!!
Live a life without regrets and be true to yourself and everyone around you. Only then you can be truly happy!!
But I want to share some of my thoughts and views hence I cut and paste it into my present blog. Hope you guys enjoy reading
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The heading and content of this post is quite poignant. Something major happened that didn't affect me directly, but somehow it does affect me indirectly as I can't stop reflecting on my life. MH370, a flight from KL - Beijing went missing on March 8, 2014 without a trace. In the plane, there were 239 passengers plus crews and pilots all vanished without a trace right now. Been more than 1 day trying to locate the plane, but still no luck. Right now the plane situation is like the myth about Bermuda Triangle. Vanished without a trace. The hope of finding any survivors is zero, but yet until the plane is found and the passengers are accounted for everyone is still hoping for miracle, including myself. Hope is what keeps everyone alive and functioning.
This incident is making me reflecting about my life again, how I want to live my life and how honest I should be with myself??? Life is full of surprises and unexpected events. Some good, some bad and some mediocre, but no matter what I should not take my life for granted thinking that I'll have another minute or hours or days or years to do what I want to do or say what I want to say. I don't want to have any regrets in my life. But yet is easy to say than done. I'm living the life I want and speak my mind most of the times, but yet there are times I still need to hold my tongue so that I don't come across as too forward and scare people away. It frustrates me when people don't understand why I don't like to waste my time. To them, I have a lot of time so what's the hurry?? But the truth is no one can tells me how much time I have on this earth so instead of taking it for granted I choose to live every minute as best as I could. It frustrates me when I can't tell a guy directly that I like him more than a friend. It irritates me when I have to play the guessing game about "he likes me, he likes me not!!!!" Why must it be so draggy?? And why must I be called needy or desperate just because I'm daring enough to tell someone I like him more than a friend???
I can't help wondering what went thru the mind of those people inside the plane when they knew they were going to die?? What kind of emotions they experienced?? Disbelieved, despair, denial, helplessness, hopelessness, regrets and panic?? If I know I have to die, I would prefer to die a sudden death where I wouldn't even have 1 minute to reflect back on my life. I don't want to have a chance to think and wish that God gives me another chance in life or that I should have done this and that!! I seriously don't want to leave this world with regrets. Hence I'm trying my very best to be as open and honest with myself as possible.
I think everyone has to constantly reflect on our life so that we can correct our weaknesses and improve on our strengths and live our life to the fullest potential!!
Live a life without regrets and be true to yourself and everyone around you. Only then you can be truly happy!!
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Realign myself
I need to realign my core self because for the past few weeks I allowed a particular person accusation, words and behaviors to unrattle the core me. I had been consumed by my pain and hurt inflicted by that person until to the point all I could think of was retaliation and rebellion. I wanted to show the person the level of pain and hurt I was experiencing and I wanted the person to feel bad, regretful and remorseful of his words and behaviours toward me. I just indulged in my negative feelings and hold on to the pain and hurt like holding on to my dear life. I thought by holding on to those feelings it would make me forget that person faster and eliminate that person from my life quicker. In actual fact, the opposite was happening. The more I held on to negativity, the more it choked me, the more I drowned and lost sight of the core me. I can't allow that person to rob and change the core me. If I allow that to happen, I'm not who I'm anymore. I was in a dark tunnel for almost 1 month, but now I finally see the light again. I always forgive and forget irregardless of how bad a person treated me because at the end of the day it is a reflection of the person characters and not mine.
And we don't get out of this earth alive so I don't want to waste my time living in my pain and hurt. It isn't worth it. That person isn't worth it. I don't think that person is a bad person at all. That person might be a class A jerk to me, but not a bad person. I always choose to see the good side in everyone and everything and try to understand why things happened or why people changed or behaved the way they do and I shouldn't stop just because of a particular person :-)!
Anyway, I am thankful for the witch and jackass photo I saw a few nights ago because if I didn't see it, I would still be in the dark tunnel. It was a scary photo, especially the face of the witch. Never seen an ugly witch before. The eyes were so heinous looking and the mouth with the red lipstick gave it a ghostly affect. I showed 2 of my friends and they said the same thing too. As for the jackass, 1 word to describe it - scary. I don't know why, it shocked me into thinking and facing my own demon. I was afraid to admit that I was still holding on to a small glimmer of hope that person would waltzed back into my life and apologised profusely for all the wrongs that person did to me. Hahaha! I know, I know.....I was in denial and fantasising at the same time :-)! But when I saw the scary pic, it forced me to address my inner demon and be brutally honest and open with myself and my feelings. I know that hiding and denying my feelings are not going to help me to heal. Openly admitting my weaknesses are the right step to healing and letting go.
From this experienced, I learned my main trigger point, my weaknesses, my strengths and possibly the meaning of love which I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out but failed to do so until my latest experienced that person gave me. I can say with 80% certainty that I'm at peace with myself and I can control my inner demon of retaliating. I also need to thank my colleague for sending me a phrase last night about surrounding myself with people who bring out the best in me and not surround myself with people who bring out the worst in me. I'm an inspiration for a few people and I want to continue to inspire, but I can't do that if I keep staying in the darkness. Hence, instead of fighting darkness with darkness, I'm going to fight it with light. I'm lucky to have friends and colleagues and clients who regularly reminded me of my strengths and provide support to me when I need it.
Losing people isn't the most saddest thing, losing myself in the process of trying to hold on to people who don't appreciate me is the saddest thing. Losing my dignity, self-worth and self-respect trying to live a life that isn't align with the core me is unacceptable. I can never be fake and I will not run away from taking responsibility for my actions and decisions. I admit I lost sight of the core me for a few weeks, but now I have regained it back. Not 100% yet, but at least 80%. Life is too unpredictable and short to waste it on things and people who don't add value to my life. It was a painful lesson, but nevertheless it was a lesson I had to learn because that person was destined to be a part of my life journey that helped me to discover and understand myself further even though it brought me pain and hurt. At this very moment, I can give myself a genuine smile thinking back on the past. I can feel the peace and calm within my heart and mind. Instead of fighting the memories of that person, I just let it linger until it dissipates itself. I don't need to do anything about it. It will just sit in my memory box as useless data. That person presence cease to exist anymore in physical form, what's left is just a memory. I will not indulge in the memories be it good or bad. I will just let the memories sit quietly in a deep corner because no matter what, it was part of my life experienced. Like it or not, good or bad, it helped to shape me into a better version of myself. So for that reason it will always be a part of me, but it will not affect me anymore :-)!
I need to restart my adventures and live my life to the fullest again. I temporarily lost sight of all the good things I have in my life now. I have a lot more to be grateful and happy about and I should focus on all the beautiful things in my life. I will just sit back and let karma does it jobs because the universe is fair. For now, I should focus on getting back to my core self and enjoy my journey :-)!
A big thank you to my friend for sending me the pic of the witch and the jackass! Although it almost gave me nightmare! Hahaha! Thank god it didn't. Thank you for helping me to realign my core self and reminding me the beauty of having an honest and open life :-)!
And we don't get out of this earth alive so I don't want to waste my time living in my pain and hurt. It isn't worth it. That person isn't worth it. I don't think that person is a bad person at all. That person might be a class A jerk to me, but not a bad person. I always choose to see the good side in everyone and everything and try to understand why things happened or why people changed or behaved the way they do and I shouldn't stop just because of a particular person :-)!
Anyway, I am thankful for the witch and jackass photo I saw a few nights ago because if I didn't see it, I would still be in the dark tunnel. It was a scary photo, especially the face of the witch. Never seen an ugly witch before. The eyes were so heinous looking and the mouth with the red lipstick gave it a ghostly affect. I showed 2 of my friends and they said the same thing too. As for the jackass, 1 word to describe it - scary. I don't know why, it shocked me into thinking and facing my own demon. I was afraid to admit that I was still holding on to a small glimmer of hope that person would waltzed back into my life and apologised profusely for all the wrongs that person did to me. Hahaha! I know, I know.....I was in denial and fantasising at the same time :-)! But when I saw the scary pic, it forced me to address my inner demon and be brutally honest and open with myself and my feelings. I know that hiding and denying my feelings are not going to help me to heal. Openly admitting my weaknesses are the right step to healing and letting go.
From this experienced, I learned my main trigger point, my weaknesses, my strengths and possibly the meaning of love which I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out but failed to do so until my latest experienced that person gave me. I can say with 80% certainty that I'm at peace with myself and I can control my inner demon of retaliating. I also need to thank my colleague for sending me a phrase last night about surrounding myself with people who bring out the best in me and not surround myself with people who bring out the worst in me. I'm an inspiration for a few people and I want to continue to inspire, but I can't do that if I keep staying in the darkness. Hence, instead of fighting darkness with darkness, I'm going to fight it with light. I'm lucky to have friends and colleagues and clients who regularly reminded me of my strengths and provide support to me when I need it.
Losing people isn't the most saddest thing, losing myself in the process of trying to hold on to people who don't appreciate me is the saddest thing. Losing my dignity, self-worth and self-respect trying to live a life that isn't align with the core me is unacceptable. I can never be fake and I will not run away from taking responsibility for my actions and decisions. I admit I lost sight of the core me for a few weeks, but now I have regained it back. Not 100% yet, but at least 80%. Life is too unpredictable and short to waste it on things and people who don't add value to my life. It was a painful lesson, but nevertheless it was a lesson I had to learn because that person was destined to be a part of my life journey that helped me to discover and understand myself further even though it brought me pain and hurt. At this very moment, I can give myself a genuine smile thinking back on the past. I can feel the peace and calm within my heart and mind. Instead of fighting the memories of that person, I just let it linger until it dissipates itself. I don't need to do anything about it. It will just sit in my memory box as useless data. That person presence cease to exist anymore in physical form, what's left is just a memory. I will not indulge in the memories be it good or bad. I will just let the memories sit quietly in a deep corner because no matter what, it was part of my life experienced. Like it or not, good or bad, it helped to shape me into a better version of myself. So for that reason it will always be a part of me, but it will not affect me anymore :-)!
I need to restart my adventures and live my life to the fullest again. I temporarily lost sight of all the good things I have in my life now. I have a lot more to be grateful and happy about and I should focus on all the beautiful things in my life. I will just sit back and let karma does it jobs because the universe is fair. For now, I should focus on getting back to my core self and enjoy my journey :-)!
A big thank you to my friend for sending me the pic of the witch and the jackass! Although it almost gave me nightmare! Hahaha! Thank god it didn't. Thank you for helping me to realign my core self and reminding me the beauty of having an honest and open life :-)!
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Interesting read on Hacking
I googled this topic about 1 month back and was shocked by how easy it is to hack into someone's email account by a person with bad intention! I always thought that it wouldn't be easy and it definitely didn't crossed my mind that I would be a victim too. It happened and I couldn't turn back the clock. If I was informed earlier what is going on then I would be more careful and take more precaution. I'm a carefree person so I only worry when it is necessary or when shit storm hits the fan. Anyway......what had happened is the past. No point to dwell on it.
I'm not going to let any shit storm to affect my daily life :-)!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1391297/How-takes-just-15-minutes-web-tuition-hack-email.html
https://www.grahamcluley.com/2015/06/hack-email-account-mobile/
And the link below is showing how to protect our email account:
http://www.wikihow.com/Protect-Your-Email-Account-from-Hackers
I'm not going to let any shit storm to affect my daily life :-)!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1391297/How-takes-just-15-minutes-web-tuition-hack-email.html
https://www.grahamcluley.com/2015/06/hack-email-account-mobile/
And the link below is showing how to protect our email account:
http://www.wikihow.com/Protect-Your-Email-Account-from-Hackers
Final Post about Peter Wittendorp
I was planning to write a long post about our story, but after giving some thought I decided not to waste my time anymore on a jerk. I just want to admit to myself that I had been blinded by my love for him to overlook all his flaws, forgave him time after time and find excuses for his shitty and shady behaviour towards me. Even until he admitted he lied to me for 2 years, I still chose to stand by him and gave him 1 last chance.
Anyway, I figured I wasn't the 1st person he accused of something hideous. He accused his own W of cheating on him, not once, not twice but many times repetitively to me in writing and in person. Even after we were together, his 1st statement was, "she cheated on me and now I did the same". That should be a red flag to me, but I was already crazy about him and I believed that she actually cheated on him. He even said it to me face to face when we were in HK, "if she isn't the mother of my son, she wouldn't get away with all this shit". He looked me in the eyes when he made that statement to me. And that was end of March 2015. At that time, I believed every single words he told me as it never crossed my mind that he would came up with such an elaborate and insulting accusation towards his own W. When he confessed he lied to me in end of February this year, I was shocked and surprised beyond belief. I asked him why he lied to me for 2 years when I gave him so many chances to come clean with me. The worst part was when I called him out on his BS and lying in the past, he was so good at using my fear of him leaving my life to make me shut up or guilty for asking him to be honest with me.
He had so many versions of his story until now I still don't know which is the truth and which isn't. Did his W cheated on him or she didn't? Does it matter? No as it is not my issue if she cheated on him or not. I don't judge. My point is, I shouldn't be in shocked that he could hurled accusation at me because he did that to the person who sleeps next to him every night, just so he could cheat without feeling guilty.
I was stupid and naive to think that I would be different. But at least I'm not legally attached to him or have a son with him because then I would be stuck with him. What type of man would accused the W of cheating on him so that he could had a good reason to cheat without feeling guilty? And how could any woman tolerate and forgive a man who accused without proof?? Accusation is the worst kind of betrayal. Coupled with cheating and lying.....wow triple whammy! Anyway, nothing to do with me. I guess some women prefer to suffer in silent rather than be alone and label a failure.
Also, he told me it was his 1st time cheating and it got him into this shit (internet harassment). I believed him at that time, but now I'm not so sure. Really?? Why would someone harass them if it was his 1st time cheating? I'm partly guilty because I shouldn't indulge in my desire to be with him even though I loved him. I should asked him to show me the proof that he has divorced her, like he hinted he wanted to. Again, he expressed it in writing as well as verbally to me more than 5 times. I never asked him to do so. But of course the story changed at a later stage. 1 of his excuse was his son was still young, 7-8 years old so he didn't want the son to grow up in a broken family. Again like I said, I never asked him to do anything except be brutally honest and open with me. I can handle the truth. Just don't lie to me and he swore he didn't lie to me at all. So imagine my shocked and surprised when he confessed to me he lied for the past 2 years about his W cheating on him!!
Anyway, I was blinded by love and I thought he loved and cared for me too hence I was willing to ignore all the red flags as long as I could keep him in my life. But not anymore. I'm beginning to feel that deleting him form my life is probably the best thing. Do I regret the past 2 years? No I don't. It was a lesson that I had to learn. Recently I told a few of my friends what happened about me and him and they told me I was stupid for believing and getting involved with him. My friends who know me really well couldn't understand why I was so crazily in love with him. They couldn't understand why I gave him so many chances to hurt me. I'm successful in my own ways, but yet I fell for a man I had liked for 10 years to only find out he is a class A jerk. I admit I'm a fool when it comes to him and he knows that too. Oh well.....that's the past! I wouldn't be anymore in the future.
This experienced with him has changed me in a way that I wouldn't put up with shits no matter how much I love a man. It isn't worth it at the end of the day. A shitty man will always be shitty........is in his nature! I'm done and over with. I knew about his childhood stories and that were part of the reasons I was drawn to him. Anyway......is over. A jerk will never be a gentleman! Beside he is 50 years old, a dutch and lives in SG for over 10 years, he is too jaded to even change. A 50 years old class A jerk!!
I thought to myself, if he could lied to her I shouldn't be surprised that he lied to me. If he could disrespect her, I shouldn't be shocked that he didn't respect me. Beside he is also disrespecting himself. I can guess what he is going to say about me.....he is going to say I'm crazy and I made everything up. It doesn't matter what he is going say or think. What matter is I know I'm telling the truth and not hiding fact. What matter is all my friends know who I am and that I'm telling the truth.
This post is the final nail in the coffin with his chapter in my life. It will never be revisited and his existence is irrelevant to me anymore. I will not mention him again in my future posts. This is the end of his story in my life. If he wants to tarnish my image that's nothing I can do. Is always my words against his. I'm risking my reputation just to set myself free by telling the facts truthfully. For me, I can sleep peacefully every night as I'm not running away from my actions and decisions. The truth have set me free. The world knows who I am, but the world doesn't knows who is he as I didn't disclosed his identity. So I gain nothing from this post except my freedom. And I think it is also time I come clean for my own sake. I don't want to worry about being exposed by a 3rd party with any lies and twists to the truth or fabrication of proofs. I put myself in this shit storm, I need to get myself out of it.
I need to thank him for his accusation because he allowed me to see him clearly! Without it I might have still think of him as a great friend and a person I would still want to have in my life. For me, I cherish and value people whom are my friends. I thought he was a genuine and caring person, but he showed me otherwise. I was the 3rd party, but I didn't deserve to be treated the way he did and accused me of devious act that I didn't do. I couldn't accept that and it made me questioned everything including our friendship. What a fuck up friendship we had and what a fuck up person he is! Anyway......enough said.
p.s. I salute her for having a bigger heart than me. I can never forgive the man I love for accusing me of something I didn't do. In her case, a cheating accusation is a grave and cruel accusation. In my case, he accused me of posting my stolen emails and messages anonymously!! Whatever! If I want to post, I will do it publicly and openly as me, like what I'm doing now. I will take full responsibility for my actions and decisions. I'm done with this man. It broke my heart to write this post because it means I have stop respecting him but I have to do it for my own sanity and also for me to fully let go and move on.
THE END!
Anyway, I figured I wasn't the 1st person he accused of something hideous. He accused his own W of cheating on him, not once, not twice but many times repetitively to me in writing and in person. Even after we were together, his 1st statement was, "she cheated on me and now I did the same". That should be a red flag to me, but I was already crazy about him and I believed that she actually cheated on him. He even said it to me face to face when we were in HK, "if she isn't the mother of my son, she wouldn't get away with all this shit". He looked me in the eyes when he made that statement to me. And that was end of March 2015. At that time, I believed every single words he told me as it never crossed my mind that he would came up with such an elaborate and insulting accusation towards his own W. When he confessed he lied to me in end of February this year, I was shocked and surprised beyond belief. I asked him why he lied to me for 2 years when I gave him so many chances to come clean with me. The worst part was when I called him out on his BS and lying in the past, he was so good at using my fear of him leaving my life to make me shut up or guilty for asking him to be honest with me.
He had so many versions of his story until now I still don't know which is the truth and which isn't. Did his W cheated on him or she didn't? Does it matter? No as it is not my issue if she cheated on him or not. I don't judge. My point is, I shouldn't be in shocked that he could hurled accusation at me because he did that to the person who sleeps next to him every night, just so he could cheat without feeling guilty.
I was stupid and naive to think that I would be different. But at least I'm not legally attached to him or have a son with him because then I would be stuck with him. What type of man would accused the W of cheating on him so that he could had a good reason to cheat without feeling guilty? And how could any woman tolerate and forgive a man who accused without proof?? Accusation is the worst kind of betrayal. Coupled with cheating and lying.....wow triple whammy! Anyway, nothing to do with me. I guess some women prefer to suffer in silent rather than be alone and label a failure.
Also, he told me it was his 1st time cheating and it got him into this shit (internet harassment). I believed him at that time, but now I'm not so sure. Really?? Why would someone harass them if it was his 1st time cheating? I'm partly guilty because I shouldn't indulge in my desire to be with him even though I loved him. I should asked him to show me the proof that he has divorced her, like he hinted he wanted to. Again, he expressed it in writing as well as verbally to me more than 5 times. I never asked him to do so. But of course the story changed at a later stage. 1 of his excuse was his son was still young, 7-8 years old so he didn't want the son to grow up in a broken family. Again like I said, I never asked him to do anything except be brutally honest and open with me. I can handle the truth. Just don't lie to me and he swore he didn't lie to me at all. So imagine my shocked and surprised when he confessed to me he lied for the past 2 years about his W cheating on him!!
Anyway, I was blinded by love and I thought he loved and cared for me too hence I was willing to ignore all the red flags as long as I could keep him in my life. But not anymore. I'm beginning to feel that deleting him form my life is probably the best thing. Do I regret the past 2 years? No I don't. It was a lesson that I had to learn. Recently I told a few of my friends what happened about me and him and they told me I was stupid for believing and getting involved with him. My friends who know me really well couldn't understand why I was so crazily in love with him. They couldn't understand why I gave him so many chances to hurt me. I'm successful in my own ways, but yet I fell for a man I had liked for 10 years to only find out he is a class A jerk. I admit I'm a fool when it comes to him and he knows that too. Oh well.....that's the past! I wouldn't be anymore in the future.
This experienced with him has changed me in a way that I wouldn't put up with shits no matter how much I love a man. It isn't worth it at the end of the day. A shitty man will always be shitty........is in his nature! I'm done and over with. I knew about his childhood stories and that were part of the reasons I was drawn to him. Anyway......is over. A jerk will never be a gentleman! Beside he is 50 years old, a dutch and lives in SG for over 10 years, he is too jaded to even change. A 50 years old class A jerk!!
I thought to myself, if he could lied to her I shouldn't be surprised that he lied to me. If he could disrespect her, I shouldn't be shocked that he didn't respect me. Beside he is also disrespecting himself. I can guess what he is going to say about me.....he is going to say I'm crazy and I made everything up. It doesn't matter what he is going say or think. What matter is I know I'm telling the truth and not hiding fact. What matter is all my friends know who I am and that I'm telling the truth.
This post is the final nail in the coffin with his chapter in my life. It will never be revisited and his existence is irrelevant to me anymore. I will not mention him again in my future posts. This is the end of his story in my life. If he wants to tarnish my image that's nothing I can do. Is always my words against his. I'm risking my reputation just to set myself free by telling the facts truthfully. For me, I can sleep peacefully every night as I'm not running away from my actions and decisions. The truth have set me free. The world knows who I am, but the world doesn't knows who is he as I didn't disclosed his identity. So I gain nothing from this post except my freedom. And I think it is also time I come clean for my own sake. I don't want to worry about being exposed by a 3rd party with any lies and twists to the truth or fabrication of proofs. I put myself in this shit storm, I need to get myself out of it.
I need to thank him for his accusation because he allowed me to see him clearly! Without it I might have still think of him as a great friend and a person I would still want to have in my life. For me, I cherish and value people whom are my friends. I thought he was a genuine and caring person, but he showed me otherwise. I was the 3rd party, but I didn't deserve to be treated the way he did and accused me of devious act that I didn't do. I couldn't accept that and it made me questioned everything including our friendship. What a fuck up friendship we had and what a fuck up person he is! Anyway......enough said.
p.s. I salute her for having a bigger heart than me. I can never forgive the man I love for accusing me of something I didn't do. In her case, a cheating accusation is a grave and cruel accusation. In my case, he accused me of posting my stolen emails and messages anonymously!! Whatever! If I want to post, I will do it publicly and openly as me, like what I'm doing now. I will take full responsibility for my actions and decisions. I'm done with this man. It broke my heart to write this post because it means I have stop respecting him but I have to do it for my own sanity and also for me to fully let go and move on.
THE END!
Friday, May 13, 2016
Friday the 13th - Lucky Day
Is always considered as an unlucky day due to the horror movies franchise. No wonder I received I saw the picture of the witch and the jackass last night. Again thanks to my friend :-)! He got an earful from me this morning. Anyway, instead of an unlucky day for me, I consider it a good day as I received a call from a buyer who is keen to buy some properties and he wants to view it later of the day. But the biggest luck it has brought me is the realisation that I will never get a sincere apology from 'him' as he never see anything wrong with his actions and words. It also allows me to see clearly now that he is never the man he projected to the world. And it isn't a loss not to have him as a friend because he only used me to feed his ego and satisfied his own agenda. Only a selfish man will do that. An evolved man will never hurt a woman even if is it just a friend. I believe in Karma and I'm sure 1 day he will gets a taste of his own medicine either directly or indirectly.
Don't want to have a fakey in my life. He preached integrity, but he is lacking of it. He preached moral and faithfulness, but yet he doesn't practice it himself. He preached big heart and respect, but yet he doesn't know how to give respect and definitely don't have a big heart at all. No wonder our views on life are so different because I can't convince a jerk who wears a mask and practice double standard to see the beauty of being true to ourselves. A liar and pretender will never understand how to stop wearing a mask! I always told him to be fair, but he said life isn't fair. Life is not fair is because we human choose not to treat people fairly.
Anyway, the picture was a good shock I needed to wake me up. Haven't seen such an ugly witch and a jackass in human forms! Don't think anyone has before. Not sure. But seriously just plain scary. Luckily I managed to sleep well last night. No bad dreams or insomnia :-)!
Finally, will I still write about him and disclose his identity officially? Hmmm.....I don't think I will disclose his name or anything that can point out who he is easily, but I might drop hints now and then when I feel I want to be cheeky and rebellious! Hahaha! I think I will just drop clues in my posts. LOL! I think it is quite fun to let people guess although I doubt any of my readers can figure out his identity. Well, just for fun.
First clue : He is Dutch.
Second clue : Lives in Singapore
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At. 5.51pm - just returned home after a site visit and the client confirmed buying the office suites. Yay! Next week signing the SPA. And potentially he might wants to buy bigger property too. See, Friday 13th isn't a bad day for me. In fact it is a LUCKY DAY!
And today, I will exterminate his existence in my mind and heart! He is officially DEAD TO ME!
Don't want to have a fakey in my life. He preached integrity, but he is lacking of it. He preached moral and faithfulness, but yet he doesn't practice it himself. He preached big heart and respect, but yet he doesn't know how to give respect and definitely don't have a big heart at all. No wonder our views on life are so different because I can't convince a jerk who wears a mask and practice double standard to see the beauty of being true to ourselves. A liar and pretender will never understand how to stop wearing a mask! I always told him to be fair, but he said life isn't fair. Life is not fair is because we human choose not to treat people fairly.
Anyway, the picture was a good shock I needed to wake me up. Haven't seen such an ugly witch and a jackass in human forms! Don't think anyone has before. Not sure. But seriously just plain scary. Luckily I managed to sleep well last night. No bad dreams or insomnia :-)!
Finally, will I still write about him and disclose his identity officially? Hmmm.....I don't think I will disclose his name or anything that can point out who he is easily, but I might drop hints now and then when I feel I want to be cheeky and rebellious! Hahaha! I think I will just drop clues in my posts. LOL! I think it is quite fun to let people guess although I doubt any of my readers can figure out his identity. Well, just for fun.
First clue : He is Dutch.
Second clue : Lives in Singapore
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At. 5.51pm - just returned home after a site visit and the client confirmed buying the office suites. Yay! Next week signing the SPA. And potentially he might wants to buy bigger property too. See, Friday 13th isn't a bad day for me. In fact it is a LUCKY DAY!
And today, I will exterminate his existence in my mind and heart! He is officially DEAD TO ME!
Favourite authors
Yay....received the book I pre-order from Amazon today. It is one of favourite author - Iris Johansen. Suspense and thriller. All the main characters in her book is a heroine. Really cool characters. I was first exposed to this author when I was working in Hotel Equatorial as an Asst Manager. That was 16 years ago. My ex-colleague lend me the book and I'm hooked since then. This author is a woman and she's good. Once I start reading, I won't be able to put it down until I finish the whole book. There are some books that I don't even finish at all after 3 months or 6 months of reading. Haha. Anyway, I will spend my weekend reading this book and maybe spend sometime blogging too.
Talking about books. He likes history books and collected some. During his last trip to KL in Feb this year, he told me he actually just finished watching some chinese history series about the Three Kingdom if my memory doesn't failed me. Haha. my memories not as good as him. I can only remember about 70%-80% at max. And it also depends on the memories are for which person. If it is someone I don't care much or is irrelevant to me, then my memories are lousy! LOL!
Anyway, I think he told me before that he wish to return to university before he turns 60 to pursue PhD in Economy or History. I think it is economy, but not very sure. Oh well, whatever he fancies I guess.
My other favourite authors are Stephen Frey, Matthew Reilly, Roy Johansen, Douglas Preston, Lincoln Child, Philip Margolin, John Grisham, Robin Cook, Sidney Sheldon, Joseph Finder, Michael Palmer, Michael Crichton, Jackie Collins and a few other less popular authors.
I love to read and I have a 10 feet high and 4-5 feet deep purpose built bookshelves in my 2600sq ft condo. I love to collect hardcovers. I learned a lot from reading both fiction and non-fiction. But lately I don't have much time to read unless I'm on vacation. Not enough alone time after I started working. Plus still have a lot of issues to tidy up in my life, reading is a pleasure that I miss greatly. But for Iris Johansen book I will definitely find the time to read and finish the book within 1 week. In the past I could finished reading her book in 3 days, but now don't think so.
Anyway, looking forward to immerse myself in this new book! Title HIDE AWAY - Iris Johansen
Talking about books. He likes history books and collected some. During his last trip to KL in Feb this year, he told me he actually just finished watching some chinese history series about the Three Kingdom if my memory doesn't failed me. Haha. my memories not as good as him. I can only remember about 70%-80% at max. And it also depends on the memories are for which person. If it is someone I don't care much or is irrelevant to me, then my memories are lousy! LOL!
Anyway, I think he told me before that he wish to return to university before he turns 60 to pursue PhD in Economy or History. I think it is economy, but not very sure. Oh well, whatever he fancies I guess.
My other favourite authors are Stephen Frey, Matthew Reilly, Roy Johansen, Douglas Preston, Lincoln Child, Philip Margolin, John Grisham, Robin Cook, Sidney Sheldon, Joseph Finder, Michael Palmer, Michael Crichton, Jackie Collins and a few other less popular authors.
I love to read and I have a 10 feet high and 4-5 feet deep purpose built bookshelves in my 2600sq ft condo. I love to collect hardcovers. I learned a lot from reading both fiction and non-fiction. But lately I don't have much time to read unless I'm on vacation. Not enough alone time after I started working. Plus still have a lot of issues to tidy up in my life, reading is a pleasure that I miss greatly. But for Iris Johansen book I will definitely find the time to read and finish the book within 1 week. In the past I could finished reading her book in 3 days, but now don't think so.
Anyway, looking forward to immerse myself in this new book! Title HIDE AWAY - Iris Johansen
Ghostly pic
OMG, my friend sent me a scary pic on whatsapp and I think I will have a nightmare tonight because it was a pic of a witch and a jackass but is human! Thanks to my friend for sending that scary pic to me. I'm going to make him buy me dinner tomorrow for putting me thru the trauma!! Damn, this witch looks really scary and evil. A human but a witch! And the jackass is also a human or disguise as human. Not sure as I didn't want to look at it even 30 seconds longer! Hahahaha! Eewwwwww.....Is not even halloween yet and my friend is pulling a prank on me already!! Stupid him!! Haha
I think I might need to send my phone for exorcism!! Hahahahaha! To get rid of the witch and the jackass image I saw. Damn my friend :-)!
Seriously, I'm still feeling the chill. Never thought how witchy and jackass humans could look like. I don't want to scare my readers so not going to share the pic. But will ask my friend tomorrow where he got it from. OMG....seriously scary!
Updated on 15.6.16
My friend sent me another similar pic and although this round the picture is less scary, but nevertheless it was still unpleasant to look at. The witch eyes and face still look scary especially with thinning hair. An old sagging witch dressed in sheep skin. And the jackass was the same. I told my friend to stop sending those awful and scary pics to me.
I think I might need to send my phone for exorcism!! Hahahahaha! To get rid of the witch and the jackass image I saw. Damn my friend :-)!
Seriously, I'm still feeling the chill. Never thought how witchy and jackass humans could look like. I don't want to scare my readers so not going to share the pic. But will ask my friend tomorrow where he got it from. OMG....seriously scary!
Updated on 15.6.16
My friend sent me another similar pic and although this round the picture is less scary, but nevertheless it was still unpleasant to look at. The witch eyes and face still look scary especially with thinning hair. An old sagging witch dressed in sheep skin. And the jackass was the same. I told my friend to stop sending those awful and scary pics to me.
Paranoia - Hacking
He told me that there are white hat and black hat hacking. I'm not sure what are the differences. I thought hacking is illegal irregardless it is black or white. He is so paranoid nowadays that he has to delete all my whatsapp and SMS messages to him. And he even deleted his entire gmail account to avoid being hacked into. OMG! And he told me he has installed military grade firewalls for his company's server and including his handphone too. He also said he will stop using whatsapp because it can be hacked into. His paranoia is so extreme that it spread to me too. Made me stressed previously. I could understand especially since I became a victim and my email account was hacked into. And a lot of my emails and messages between us were leaked out. Luckily he managed to get it all removed. Sigh. Don't understand why some people have so much free time to do so much unproductive things.
Anyway, he told me that if the website administrator won't remove it, then he will get the professional to do it. I didn't ask how as I really don't want to know. Shits already hit the fan so I will just deal with it. I have to ride thru this shit storm that was partially caused by him because he decided to lie to me for 2 years and put me thru emotional roller coaster rides than admit he lied to me and made up grand story about his life! I was so pissed off and angry at him for what his shitty hot and cold treatment that I created a secret Pinterest board to vent my anger, frustrations and to curse at him. I created the board with his full nam @ The Jerk! Of course my full name was also linked to him since the secret board was created by me. I thought it was only me who would see the pins, but I was wrong. So a lot of my pins got repin and hence the start of the nightmare for me!
Whoever is harassing him must really hates him. Unfortunately, according to him I leave too many footprints on the internet, which is true, but I didn't know back then I will be a target too. And since I'm a target now, no reason I should let the idiot and miserable person to affect my lifestyle. As I have always said, I have nothing to hide. I will take responsibility for all my decisions and actions even if it is going to hurt my reputation. That's the price I have to pay for choosing to allow him to stay in my life and have a twisted, complicated and full of emotional roller coaster rides relationship/friendship/lovership with him! I'm not ashamed of my decision because he was what I wanted in my life for the past 2 years. I chose to have him hence I have to accept any repercussions. I won't be like him.....he is too chicken to admit publicly his lovership with me! Past tense now! Hence I can write and blog about it. To serve as a reminder to myself not to allow this person into my life again!
A 50 years old man who doesn't even know how to be a real man. He has an adult daughter and I hope and pray that his daughter will never has to experience what he puts me thru because Karma has its own way to catch up. I'm always conscious of how I treat people because what goes around comes around.
Random pins
Yup, absolutely fucking true. Have a taste of your own fucking medicine!!
Hmmmmm.......will he ever admits he is wrong?? I will buy lottery if he does so!!
A reminder to all of us!
Before yes. Now fuck it! Enough for being a fool so many times!!
Brilliant! Say what you mean and mean what you say!
Faking caring!!
Hmmm.....definitely true, but still hard not to take it personally especially when the person who treats you poorly was someone you loved and cared!
He never admits he wears a mask!! I told him that before and he got upset at me for telling him to stop wearing a mask, but rather be himself. The true him. The core him! But I guess he had shown me almost all of his personality!! LUCKY ME???? More like DAMN ME!!
I rest my case!
Oh i thought about it thoroughly and can even guess his reactions and feelings, but I don't give a shit! He doesn't gives a shit about my feelings and thinking so why should I give a shit about his! In my life, everything has to be fair. If you want respect, give respect. If you want honesty, give honesty! If you don't want to be lied, stop LYING! And before you judge someone actions toward you, please examine yourself and your actions toward that person!! :-)!
Lucky
I feel lucky that I don't need to see Peter Wittendorp on a daily basis, especially now when he is so mean and cold. I will feel so sad looking at him slowly turning into someone I don't recognise anymore. A stranger that I don't have to face everyday. I don't know what he thinks anymore, when he is telling the truth and when not. I'm so scare of him now. I don't know when he will hurt me without feeling remorse or bad about his actions. Imagine going to bed and waking up everyday to someone you love only to realise that the person next to you isn't what he/she used to be.
How do you live with someone who is constantly changing and turning hateful and revengeful? Are you able to look this person in the eyes and don't feel sad and hurt? Peter who hurts me isn't a happy person anymore. He constantly has to fight his own demon and in the process he turns into one. I told him yesterday that he is turning into a monster. A manipulative, cold and mean person. I had been trying to make him see the goodness in everything and everyone, but I failed. Not only I failed big time, he unleashed his super ugly side of him on me yesterday evening. He must be proud to successfully pushed me out of his life for good and destroyed the friendship that he claimed and said he valued so much!! A big fat liar! 😥
You don't hurt people you truly care and value. You will do everything in your power to protect them. His wrath is obscene. I'm just sad when I think of him. Although Peter hurts me greatly, I still don't want him to turn into a cold, calculated, mean, manipulative and scary person.
I don't trust him anymore and I will never forget what he did to me, but I will forgive him. By forgiving him, I forgive myself for all my naivety and stupidity. I'm glad that I don't need to face him everyday. I feel lucky that I don't need to wake up and go to bed next to him everyday. I couldn't pretend that life is as usual when the essence has changed. I'm not a fake person. In public and private, I'm the same person. Hence, I will take full responsibility for my actions and accept all consequences that come with my decision to do something.
I'm lucky because I can be me and he spares me further heartaches by showing me this seriously ugly side of him now and not later. I'm lucky I can walkaway from all the dramas in his life. I'm lucky I don't need to live in the same roof with this person. This person is hardened, unfeeling, uncaring and so so so mean. He is totally a different person now!! I don't admire and respect this person anymore. This person doesn't deserves to have me in his life.
I'm lucky I don't need to waste anymore of my time to try to keep him from turning into a monster because all my caring failed. All my reminders felt on deaf ears. All my good intentions had been twisted into accusations and threats. Fucking unbelievable!!
Nevertheless, I'm lucky to escape although at one stage I was crazy about him and loved him dearly. I truly and deeply loved Peter Wittendorp, but I told him now he lost me forever! Is ok, nothing in life is permanent. Learn and move on.
Always keep a smile on because no matter how hard life is at the moment, there is a rainbow after the storm.
Blogging and posting
I know he hates it when I write about my feelings and posts it to the world for everyone to read, but since he never gives me his time to listen to what I have to say or openly talk about things, why should I care about what he thinks. I always get the statement "I don't want to talk about it" or "anyway"......and I couldn't ask further. I hate being cut off and left hanging not knowing the full picture. A lot of issues are not resolved, but rather swept under carpet and never to see the light again. It left me with a lot of guessing and uncertainties. I hate to guess and assume because it leads to unnecessary misunderstanding and conclusion. Hence I always like to ask questions to avoid assumption and misunderstanding. But he is the opposite. He likes to assume before he asks. He draws conclusion too fast and once he has made up his mind, he is set in his thinking and he will twists the fact to his advantage and made me the guilty one.
Anyway, I really don't care what he thinks anymore. I want to do what make me happy again. And writing about my feelings, about him, about everything and anything I fancy allow me to heal and move on. My life is an open book and if people want to judge me so be it. I'm not going to hide facts.
I know who are my true and genuine friends and I thought he was one......but I'm not sure now. Knowing him well, he will probably say and think the same of me.
I am so so tempted to make his accusation comes true since he enjoys accusing me and saying I'm a devious person. Not once, but twice. And he even said I threatened him!! Should I or shouldn't I?? It will be my words against his as I don't have anything to back me up. I know it is a destructive move, but his accusation is just like a knife permanently stab to my heart and I'm unable to pull the knife out! I'm feeling very hurt. He said he didn't mean to hurt me intentionally.......well he is a 50 year old man. He is supposed to be calmed and collected (opposite from me) and know me well....so he should had thought through his words before it left his mouth. So intentional or not.....only he knows for sure! How could he think that I'm such a devious person? How could he??? Seriously make me wonder the depth of his darkness. I will never ever be able to accuse someone I value without concrete proofs. Beyond reasonable doubt kinda proofs! He always told me proofs can be fabricated. So even if one day he shows me the proofs, how would I know it is not fabricated?
If he's the one being wrongly accused by me, he would have kicked up a storm and not let me get away with it. But he expects me to let him get away when he accused me!! Is this fair??? No right??
Anyway, I'm still sensible and although he hurts me.....I won't be revengeful and expose him because I'm not that type of person. I just like to vent, but I won't harm the man I still love. I know I'm stupid. For a woman of my professional caliber, he is my biggest weakness!!
That's why I need to walk away from him and cut him from my life. I'm giving him all the reasons to hate me......Why?? Because that is what he wants!! Or maybe I don't want to give myself the chance to forgive him and allow him to sweet talk his way back into my life. He liked to do that in the past. So maybe I'm doing this to protect myself from him!
Beside, I started blogging about 5 years ago and I stopped since last year because he didn't like me writing about us. Hence, I'm just picking back up where I left off. My life, my choice, my decision. Who knows, maybe 1 day I can turn it into a book. Hahaha!
Anyway, I really don't care what he thinks anymore. I want to do what make me happy again. And writing about my feelings, about him, about everything and anything I fancy allow me to heal and move on. My life is an open book and if people want to judge me so be it. I'm not going to hide facts.
I know who are my true and genuine friends and I thought he was one......but I'm not sure now. Knowing him well, he will probably say and think the same of me.
I am so so tempted to make his accusation comes true since he enjoys accusing me and saying I'm a devious person. Not once, but twice. And he even said I threatened him!! Should I or shouldn't I?? It will be my words against his as I don't have anything to back me up. I know it is a destructive move, but his accusation is just like a knife permanently stab to my heart and I'm unable to pull the knife out! I'm feeling very hurt. He said he didn't mean to hurt me intentionally.......well he is a 50 year old man. He is supposed to be calmed and collected (opposite from me) and know me well....so he should had thought through his words before it left his mouth. So intentional or not.....only he knows for sure! How could he think that I'm such a devious person? How could he??? Seriously make me wonder the depth of his darkness. I will never ever be able to accuse someone I value without concrete proofs. Beyond reasonable doubt kinda proofs! He always told me proofs can be fabricated. So even if one day he shows me the proofs, how would I know it is not fabricated?
If he's the one being wrongly accused by me, he would have kicked up a storm and not let me get away with it. But he expects me to let him get away when he accused me!! Is this fair??? No right??
Anyway, I'm still sensible and although he hurts me.....I won't be revengeful and expose him because I'm not that type of person. I just like to vent, but I won't harm the man I still love. I know I'm stupid. For a woman of my professional caliber, he is my biggest weakness!!
That's why I need to walk away from him and cut him from my life. I'm giving him all the reasons to hate me......Why?? Because that is what he wants!! Or maybe I don't want to give myself the chance to forgive him and allow him to sweet talk his way back into my life. He liked to do that in the past. So maybe I'm doing this to protect myself from him!
Beside, I started blogging about 5 years ago and I stopped since last year because he didn't like me writing about us. Hence, I'm just picking back up where I left off. My life, my choice, my decision. Who knows, maybe 1 day I can turn it into a book. Hahaha!
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Blunt
Peter always complaint that I'm the most blunt women and person he have ever met. He said sometimes my bluntness were hard to accept. Haha. Ya I'm super blunt and when I'm upset or angry or mad or piss off, my bluntness is two folds. Now, probably 3 folds. LOL!
I asked him before if it isn't me, would he tolerated and put up with the bluntness? If it is another woman, would he allowed it? He said no. It isn't in his nature to accept and tolerate my level of bluntness and I believed him. I asked him why he tolerated me? At that time he said because he values our friendship and me as a good friend. But now I think he will give a different answer. I can actually try to go into his mind and guess what he is thinking. I think I can get it about 80%-90% correctly. Maybe when I have more free time, my mind is cleared and my emotions/feelings for him are under control I will try to analyse him. Again, he dislikes when I analyse him. He actually told me a few times in the past that I possess very good 6th sense and I could actually guessed what he were thinking. I asked him how many percent do I understand him and he said 90%!!
Anyway, I'm a very blunt person and I had told him that many times in the past. I told him I will never be tamed by anyone including him. And he can forget about trying to change or mould me into someone. I will always be myself. Accept me for me or leave me! And to be fair to him, he had tolerated and put up with me. Knowing him decently well in certain aspects, he won't put up if it is other women especially if those women are just friends. So for him to tolerate me and let me lashed out at him when I was stressed or mad or pissed off, that was 1 of the reasons I loved him among other reasons.
Honestly, I wouldn't put up with him for so long if I didn't love him. If we were just good friends, I wouldn't tolerated the shit he puts me thru and allowed him to break my heart so many times. Just curious.....a question for my readers - would a man tolerate a woman's bluntness and lashing if she is just a good friend to the man? Just trying to figure out how men think and act only.
I think blunt people are the most honest people because they don't filter their thoughts hence they speak their mind too often. Because they don't filter their thoughts, they just blurt out whatever words that come to mind. Yes it might be unrefined or even come across as rude sometimes, but at least it is an honest thought. Understand not many people can accept bluntness. He was one of them, but I have to give him credit for learning how to tolerate me. I'm a fair person so if he was nice I would admit. If he acted like a JERK or a DOUCHEBAG I will not hesitate to say it out too. Haha.
Anyway..... (his favourite word! haha)
I asked him before if it isn't me, would he tolerated and put up with the bluntness? If it is another woman, would he allowed it? He said no. It isn't in his nature to accept and tolerate my level of bluntness and I believed him. I asked him why he tolerated me? At that time he said because he values our friendship and me as a good friend. But now I think he will give a different answer. I can actually try to go into his mind and guess what he is thinking. I think I can get it about 80%-90% correctly. Maybe when I have more free time, my mind is cleared and my emotions/feelings for him are under control I will try to analyse him. Again, he dislikes when I analyse him. He actually told me a few times in the past that I possess very good 6th sense and I could actually guessed what he were thinking. I asked him how many percent do I understand him and he said 90%!!
Anyway, I'm a very blunt person and I had told him that many times in the past. I told him I will never be tamed by anyone including him. And he can forget about trying to change or mould me into someone. I will always be myself. Accept me for me or leave me! And to be fair to him, he had tolerated and put up with me. Knowing him decently well in certain aspects, he won't put up if it is other women especially if those women are just friends. So for him to tolerate me and let me lashed out at him when I was stressed or mad or pissed off, that was 1 of the reasons I loved him among other reasons.
Honestly, I wouldn't put up with him for so long if I didn't love him. If we were just good friends, I wouldn't tolerated the shit he puts me thru and allowed him to break my heart so many times. Just curious.....a question for my readers - would a man tolerate a woman's bluntness and lashing if she is just a good friend to the man? Just trying to figure out how men think and act only.
I think blunt people are the most honest people because they don't filter their thoughts hence they speak their mind too often. Because they don't filter their thoughts, they just blurt out whatever words that come to mind. Yes it might be unrefined or even come across as rude sometimes, but at least it is an honest thought. Understand not many people can accept bluntness. He was one of them, but I have to give him credit for learning how to tolerate me. I'm a fair person so if he was nice I would admit. If he acted like a JERK or a DOUCHEBAG I will not hesitate to say it out too. Haha.
Anyway..... (his favourite word! haha)
Our Kisses, His Kissing - Peter Wittendorp & I
Our first kiss happened around 7-8 years ago at KL Hilton. I still remember how it happened. The week before he arrived in KL for a biz trip, we had been chatting and smsing nightly for a few hours. Our phone conversations and messaging normally lasted at least 2 hours and it started since we first met. Forgot the exact content of the chats as it was so long ago. So how could I remember the first kiss and how it happened? Well, because it was a very memorable night and I lost a bet to him hence his reward was supposed to be 'a kiss',which was supposed to a quick peck, but then he played cheat and it ended up as a long deep french kiss :-)! It lasted for at least a minute. It wasn't quick. And it was tender and sweet. Not sloppy for sure! Hahahaha! When we came up for breath, I told him he played cheat and we both laughed! He said no.....it was 'a kiss', just not a quick one since I never specified anything about the kiss. Hahahaha! He was so cheeky and flirty. Of course, we had more kissing after the 1st kiss. We sat on the sofa and we talked. I lay my head on his broad shoulder. It was a sweet and innocent night as we just kissed. Hahaha ya! I thought he was a gentleman back then and an honest man.
I didn't want to stay in the room so we decided to go dancing at Zeta bar. In the bar, he enjoyed looking at me dancing. He was admiring my long legs ;-)! Since the live band was loud, we had to stand very close to each other to talk. We laughed at each other silly jokes and he even took my hand to feel his muscular chest. It was hairy, but not too hairy. Haha. It was definitely a very memorable 1st kiss with him.
Fast forward to last year in HK, his kisses were more passionate, hungry and aggressive, but yet sexy. His lips were still soft and his french kissing skill was still good. I could feel from his kissing that he was craving for me. And I was too. He showed me his very minor scar on his head due to a surgery to remove a malignant skin cancer. I planted a kiss on his scar. He keeps a bald head and it suits him perfectly. He showed me a picture of him in a wig (big afro hair) as part of his Halloween costume in 2014 and he looked awful!! Couldn't recognised him at all. hahaha. So he looks more suave and smart as a baldy! He also surprised me when he kissed me goodnite before he doze off. The room was dark but somehow he managed to locate my face and planted a kiss on my lips and said goodnite. I wished he could kiss me goodnite and good morning daily, but I knew it wouldn't be forever. I had asked him face to face when we were in HK. Even though he might wanted it, but he will never fight for us. I told him that countless time. At that time I thought he was going to get a divorce from her as per what he told me repetitively.
Oh ya, we also kissed inside the lift on the way up to our room after dinner at a very nice Italian restaurant. Before we went back to the room, we actually had a drink at the lobby bar. He had a cough so I told him to drink hot brandy. It was only the 2 of us at the bar and he asked me why I was unhappy earlier? What was I thinking? He asked me to tell him. He was very insistent, but gentle. I told him he had to give me a kiss and he did gave me a short sweet kiss :-)! And I told him why? I told him it was because I was going to miss him as he would be travelling for 3 weeks and I wouldn't be seeing him or talked to him daily. He said he would called and messaged me when he got to USA. But he messaged me the following day when he was in Japan.
Anyway, he had given me some good memories. I know by sharing with the world our experienced, it will upset and anger him to the max, but I have to do it for my own reason. Maybe 1 day I will disclose my reason in my blog. For now, I will just do what I want. He isn't in my life anymore and even if he is, he doesn't controls me or what I do. A lying cheating man doesn't deserves to have me as his friend. Thank god he is out of my life.
Oh ya, we also kissed inside the lift on the way up to our room after dinner at a very nice Italian restaurant. Before we went back to the room, we actually had a drink at the lobby bar. He had a cough so I told him to drink hot brandy. It was only the 2 of us at the bar and he asked me why I was unhappy earlier? What was I thinking? He asked me to tell him. He was very insistent, but gentle. I told him he had to give me a kiss and he did gave me a short sweet kiss :-)! And I told him why? I told him it was because I was going to miss him as he would be travelling for 3 weeks and I wouldn't be seeing him or talked to him daily. He said he would called and messaged me when he got to USA. But he messaged me the following day when he was in Japan.
Anyway, he had given me some good memories. I know by sharing with the world our experienced, it will upset and anger him to the max, but I have to do it for my own reason. Maybe 1 day I will disclose my reason in my blog. For now, I will just do what I want. He isn't in my life anymore and even if he is, he doesn't controls me or what I do. A lying cheating man doesn't deserves to have me as his friend. Thank god he is out of my life.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Our calls - Peter Wittendorp & I
During one of our long phone conversations, I remember I asked him why he couldn't show the world the real him. He asked me guess. He was in Europe at that time. He went grouse hunting last August. We spoke on the phone daily for a week and he gave me so much hope back then. He confessed that he couldn't forget me and his feelings for me never change so he wanted to continue to be with me. He told me he wanted to drink wine with me and spent quality time together. He said he will make me feel special and allocat more time for me. He said he loved me. He said it wasn't a traditional love because he loved 2 women at the same time. Of course being the sucker me and as I was still crazy and in love with him, I believed all his words and was praying and hoping that he would honor his words this time around. Needless to say it was just empty promises!!!
Everytime he travelled, we would spent long hours talking over the phone, laughing silly at our own jokes. I would be staying up until 3-4am just to talk to him since I didn't have to work back then. He would always asked me to go to sleep early so that I wouldn't look haggard the next day. He loved and enjoyed teasing me and vice versa. I miss those days. Although he behaved like a jerk towards me and treated me heartlessly and coldly, he can be really fun, caring and nice. He was more carefree when he travelled. Why? In his own words, less judgment and away from uptight society. He lives and works in Asia, but he has to travel to Europe and USA for business.
He also told me many times that he should just marry me. I laughed it off every time he mentioned that because I knew it was just a joke. Marriage isn't my cup of tea. It is just a piece of paper that means nothing but tying one person down legally. Not something I agree. I respect people who could stay in love and together for 20 years or 30 years without being married. Anyway, he didn't only said it out loud he wanted to marry me but also wrote about it 1-2 times during our whatsapp chats! But I don't have those messages anymore! It was deleted upon his requests 😞! Should have kept it for memories sake so that I can focus more on his good side! Haha!
Anyway, I'm still learning to let go of not having him in my life and our friendship. We had known each other for 10 years. That's why it is hard for me to accept and understand how he could be so cruel, harsh and mean towards me! I have always been myself. Anyway.....I better stop here for now because I don't want to feel sad and tear up.
IT Idiot
I asked him before why am I being targeted? I commented maybe someone really hate me so much. His replied to me was....."no, you weren't the target and no one hates you. Someone hates me and 'her'. You are an innocent bystander". He said all the harassment started way before I was in the picture with him. I couldn't help wondering if he has amnesia and forgotten what he said to me. Or he consciously chose to forget what he told me so that he could made me the bad person?? He also told me that emails and messages can be fabricated or changed from the originals. Hmmm......sounds like part of a plot in a stolen identity movie. Haha. I'm not sure of anything anymore except the fact that he can twists and turns his story to suit his mood and circumstances. Every few days a different version of the facts or stories were churned out. If he was in a good mood, then the version would be me and him against the invisible force. If he was in a lousy and shitty mood, the version would be everyone against him including me. He turned super paranoid and negative!! Impossible to pull him out of his negative thinking and darkness! Oh well, he isn't a friend anymore so I don't need to care and worry about him further. Beside he doesn't deserves me to continue to care and worry about him after how he treated me!! Let some other women who want to tolerate his shitty attitude to deal with him.
Anyway, I'm really curious to know how to fabricate emails and messages. I had seen it in movie and it looked damn complicated. I will never be able to do it as I'm a certified IT idiot! I have weekly conference call with my corporate client and until now I still couldn't figure out how to dial in using Skype. No joke. Tried so many times, but failed each time. Haha. Another time, a different client reminded me to print screen before I sent the evident to the landlord to proof that I was authorised by them to secure the office space for them. And I spent 5 mins trying to figure out how to print screen and in the end I had to ask an ex-colleague to show me how to do it!! I felt like an idiot! A top real estate consultant sucks at IT. But the most embarrassing moment was when I couldn't figure out how to log out of a phone system!! Hahahahaha! Not kidding. I asked my colleague and he laughed at me before he told me just pressed the log out button underneath the screen!! it was the most embarrassing and yet hilarious episode!
And two days ago I had to ask my client to help me to insert a graph into a power point presentation as the graph was 2x bigger than the slide in the power point. I'm a klutz when it comes to IT. Saving a PDF file into smaller size also I don't know how to do it. My colleague she showed me before, but I forgot so until now hasn't figure it out yet. Hahaha.
So when he told me about hacking, fabricating, IP address and other internet related matters, I couldn't comprehend how it works. My personal email account was compromised and some very personal emails got leaked out. Before all these madness happened, I never logged out of my email account. But now I do. He scolded and reminded me to do so. It is a bit too late because my account was compromised. I did some researched and found out that people could actually duplicate all my emails remotely or something like that. Sigh!!
Oh well, I will need to be more alert and IT savvy so that my account will not be breached or compromised again!! Ok time to sleep......
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Migraine
Monstrous migraine since weekend. Sigh.....shits hit the fan left and right, front and back. Was trying to stay calm in the face of calamity. Rubbish emails got into mailboxes that got me into a lot of headaches. Sigh. Well, have to face it like a brave woman since I started the war, I have to prepare for the consequences. I wish for an exciting life, but not this type of excitement! haha.
Oh well......life goes on. Gotta get back to work
p.s. I wish I could reach out to him to tell him the shits that hit my fan. Anyway, I will settle it myself.
Oh well......life goes on. Gotta get back to work
p.s. I wish I could reach out to him to tell him the shits that hit my fan. Anyway, I will settle it myself.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Struggling due to Peter Wittendorp
Some days I'm good, some days I'm struggling to control my anger towards him. Is not easy especially when the last few days I had been receiving 'rubbish' emails and link to a site where the contents upset me. I'm doing my best to let go, but it isn't easy. Our last conversation ended on a bad note with a lot of harsh and selfish words exchanged. I can handle the fact that we are no longer friends, but I couldn't forget the accusation. Every single time he popped into my mind, the feeling of hurt and pain just rushed back to me. It made me felt very angry and made me question everything I know about him. Made me question my judgment in people. Made me question my ability to trust again. Made me question everything he told me. Made me question was anything between us real or an act? I don't know how to deal with all these questions because I don't have answers. I feel like I'm in shock because I thought I know this man. I thought he is a good guy and he wouldn't hurt and used me. I thought his feelings for me were genuine and sincere. I thought he wouldn't hurt me intentionally because he promised me over and over he wouldn't, but in the end, he is one of the 2 persons that hurt me the most in my entire life. My mum was one of it. And now him!
It is like Deja Vu for me again. My mum also accused me of something I didn't do, but I got over it because my mum is the type of person who will use accusation when she doesn't gets what she wants. My mum is damaged and I have known it since I was a child so I could get over it quickly. My mum is who she is and she never pretended to be someone else.
But HIM, it never crossed my mind in a million year that he could be so mean, harsh, heartless, cruel, cold and so full of darkness. It just never crossed my mind he could be so blinded by rage and anger until he is willing to destroy anyone blocking his path to revenge. Any good intention, if not in line with what he wants to do or what he has in mind will be deemed as wrong and bad. He will do anything to protect himself and in the process he lose sight of the goodness in people. He can be a hypocrite. He always said I jumped too fast to a conclusion and yet he did the same with me all the time.
He told me he values honesty and directness, but yet he lied and covered up his flaws and mistakes. He told me he hates people who are fake and scheming, but yet he himself is living a double life, scheming and planning how to lie and continue to lie until I reminded him not to do so. I know I shouldn't be affected by this man accusation because what he thinks of me isn't a reflection of me, but because at one stage I was deeply in love and trusted him without a doubt, my mind and heart are still unable to accept the dark side of him. I shared all my stories with him, my fears, my hopes, my struggles and my weaknesses openly. Some of the things I told him were never told to anyone. I thought he cares and understands me, but apparently he doesn't. I told him to ask and understand why before he assumed, but he preferred to assume. I told him I don't think and act as the majority of the people, especially women, so don't assume that what he thinks are what I have in mind countless times in the past 2 years, but yet he never listens!! He always thinks his thinking is right and the rest is wrong just because it makes sense to him. He likes to be in control and when he can't be in control, he will starts to behave harsh and cold. He told me once he will never says the word "sorry". He will just says "I apologise".
I trusted him not to break my heart and I told him from Day 1 (6.1.2014) he walked back into my life if he doesn't plans to stay for long and if he intends to hurt me, please walkout of my life immediately. He promised me and told me repetitively that he wanted to be in my life and would never hurt me. But he broke his promised! Not once, not twice, not thrice, but many times until I lost count!
I need to pull myself out of the negative states of mind. I need to see the goodness in him. I don't want to expose his identity. Although it will be my words against his as I don't have any proofs to back me up as I had deleted our emails and whatsapp chats when he requested me to do so back in February as he was worried he would be found out and exposed. I did keep the last SMS exchanged where he hurled accusation at me to remind me how ugly and heartless he can be. I sent a copy to him on last Friday as keepsake!! Haha.
Anyway, I feel a bit better writing about my thoughts and feelings. I realise now that it will takes me longer to recover this time than previously. I need to take time to restore my core beliefs and to forgive myself for trusting and loving him without a doubt. For being stupid in thinking and believing that he will never lie and hurt me. For thinking he is a man I could respect and trust beyond a doubt. For thinking that he is honourable and a gentleman. He did told me that only I assumed he was a gentleman. He never said he is one. At that time, I laughed it off as a joke. But now I know what he meant.
I will never accuse a good friend of anything unless I have concrete proofs. Even then, I will ask to find out why and understand the reasons behind it. I will never destroys a valuable friendship like he did. I will never stab someone in the heart with my harsh and cruel words like he did with me. I should let him be a compulsive liar and continue to live in his deceitful life rather than reminded him to be the man that his son can be proud of. A man that can look at himself in the mirror again and not feel guilty and ashamed.
But knowing myself I couldn't let him go down that path. Just isn't me. Even now that I'm angry at him and feel likes making him pay for hurting me, I know the most I will do is what I'm doing now. Just writing without exposing who he is. Unless he gives me a solid reason to do so. He is solely responsible for my behaviour towards him!!
I know he won't admit any responsibility, if anything he will blames it back on me. In certain things I do know him too well I guess. Haha.
Anyway........I will work towards recovering and I hope it will be soon because I don't want to be in this state of mind for any longer. I will need to learn to except I will never get a sincere apology from him for what he said and did to me. I will need to accept the fact that he will never step up and be the man that I thought he was.
And maybe 1 day, I will apologise for writing about us, about him and all the negative things I said about him in my blog. But it will never be today. Some day in the future when I have managed to let go of the hurt and pain he caused me with his words and actions.
Till then......
It is like Deja Vu for me again. My mum also accused me of something I didn't do, but I got over it because my mum is the type of person who will use accusation when she doesn't gets what she wants. My mum is damaged and I have known it since I was a child so I could get over it quickly. My mum is who she is and she never pretended to be someone else.
But HIM, it never crossed my mind in a million year that he could be so mean, harsh, heartless, cruel, cold and so full of darkness. It just never crossed my mind he could be so blinded by rage and anger until he is willing to destroy anyone blocking his path to revenge. Any good intention, if not in line with what he wants to do or what he has in mind will be deemed as wrong and bad. He will do anything to protect himself and in the process he lose sight of the goodness in people. He can be a hypocrite. He always said I jumped too fast to a conclusion and yet he did the same with me all the time.
He told me he values honesty and directness, but yet he lied and covered up his flaws and mistakes. He told me he hates people who are fake and scheming, but yet he himself is living a double life, scheming and planning how to lie and continue to lie until I reminded him not to do so. I know I shouldn't be affected by this man accusation because what he thinks of me isn't a reflection of me, but because at one stage I was deeply in love and trusted him without a doubt, my mind and heart are still unable to accept the dark side of him. I shared all my stories with him, my fears, my hopes, my struggles and my weaknesses openly. Some of the things I told him were never told to anyone. I thought he cares and understands me, but apparently he doesn't. I told him to ask and understand why before he assumed, but he preferred to assume. I told him I don't think and act as the majority of the people, especially women, so don't assume that what he thinks are what I have in mind countless times in the past 2 years, but yet he never listens!! He always thinks his thinking is right and the rest is wrong just because it makes sense to him. He likes to be in control and when he can't be in control, he will starts to behave harsh and cold. He told me once he will never says the word "sorry". He will just says "I apologise".
I trusted him not to break my heart and I told him from Day 1 (6.1.2014) he walked back into my life if he doesn't plans to stay for long and if he intends to hurt me, please walkout of my life immediately. He promised me and told me repetitively that he wanted to be in my life and would never hurt me. But he broke his promised! Not once, not twice, not thrice, but many times until I lost count!
I need to pull myself out of the negative states of mind. I need to see the goodness in him. I don't want to expose his identity. Although it will be my words against his as I don't have any proofs to back me up as I had deleted our emails and whatsapp chats when he requested me to do so back in February as he was worried he would be found out and exposed. I did keep the last SMS exchanged where he hurled accusation at me to remind me how ugly and heartless he can be. I sent a copy to him on last Friday as keepsake!! Haha.
Anyway, I feel a bit better writing about my thoughts and feelings. I realise now that it will takes me longer to recover this time than previously. I need to take time to restore my core beliefs and to forgive myself for trusting and loving him without a doubt. For being stupid in thinking and believing that he will never lie and hurt me. For thinking he is a man I could respect and trust beyond a doubt. For thinking that he is honourable and a gentleman. He did told me that only I assumed he was a gentleman. He never said he is one. At that time, I laughed it off as a joke. But now I know what he meant.
I will never accuse a good friend of anything unless I have concrete proofs. Even then, I will ask to find out why and understand the reasons behind it. I will never destroys a valuable friendship like he did. I will never stab someone in the heart with my harsh and cruel words like he did with me. I should let him be a compulsive liar and continue to live in his deceitful life rather than reminded him to be the man that his son can be proud of. A man that can look at himself in the mirror again and not feel guilty and ashamed.
But knowing myself I couldn't let him go down that path. Just isn't me. Even now that I'm angry at him and feel likes making him pay for hurting me, I know the most I will do is what I'm doing now. Just writing without exposing who he is. Unless he gives me a solid reason to do so. He is solely responsible for my behaviour towards him!!
I know he won't admit any responsibility, if anything he will blames it back on me. In certain things I do know him too well I guess. Haha.
Anyway........I will work towards recovering and I hope it will be soon because I don't want to be in this state of mind for any longer. I will need to learn to except I will never get a sincere apology from him for what he said and did to me. I will need to accept the fact that he will never step up and be the man that I thought he was.
And maybe 1 day, I will apologise for writing about us, about him and all the negative things I said about him in my blog. But it will never be today. Some day in the future when I have managed to let go of the hurt and pain he caused me with his words and actions.
Till then......
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