continued after my last post on Feb 13, 2015 and ended yesterday 5.5.2015 again for the umpteenth time in the past 15 months. It was like groundhog day all over again. But this time around I'm calm and steady. I think it is because I'm so used to the drama he acted out every 2-3 months. Haha. Every time we were at our happiest time, he needed to act up by pushing me away, ignoring me and asking for a break from everything. Never failed! As usual, he was never able to keep any of his promises made to me. All his sweet words were just words. Never backed up by his actions. If back up also, it was short-lived. To be honest, I'm not even mad or upset or angry with him anymore. I don't have energy left in me to feel upset, mad or angry at him. I knew long time ago how he treated me and I still chose to give him so many chances, so I have no one to blame but myself. My choice, my decision, my fault.
I think I have just elevated my EQ to another higher level. And I have also accepted the fact that I can't lose something I never have. And I'm not afraid to lose him or his friendship anymore. If he doesn't wants to make a decent effort and show me with his actions that he wants to share my life journey, I should let him go and not hold on to it. It does me no good to hold on to someone who doesn't appreciates having me in his life. If our fate is coming to an end, then I will end it gracefully by letting him go. Letting go of the idea of wanting him in my life. I can't deal with his fickle mindedness and even if I can, I choose not to. I deserve a man who wants to be in my life be it just a friend or lover willingly and not pushed me away when his emotions/feelings for me became too overwhelming for him to handle.
Anyway, whatever will be, will be. I was stuck in my own stubbornness for about 2 weeks now but finally I was liberated from it. I free myself from any negative thoughts about him. So now I'm at peace with myself and over his request for a break from everything.
Whether he choose to walk back into my life or not, it doesn't matter anymore. I'll always keep my promise to him though - I promised I will be his friend and I will stick by my promise. Is he choice to decide if he wants it or not. But I won't go back on my words. I won't be like him. A promise is a promise irregardless if it is significant or not. He chose to be inconsistent, unreliable and untrustworthy doesn't mean I have to follow his actions.
Life is about choices and I always choose to be consistent and honourable irregardless of another person's actions and choice.
I will write more posts tomorrow about my so called 'love affair" with P. Although it was a roller coaster ride for the past 15 months, it was still beautiful. He did gave me a lot of good memories to cherish and remember.
Will there be anymore chapters with him??......I don't know and I don't care anymore. Just going with the flow of things. Don't want to force it as too tiring. Waste of time and energy. Haha
Tired.....so going to sleep now.
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